My favorite folks ! :)

27 February 2009


I started a post yesterday & then lost interest in it. Things go thru my mind so fast that i can't seem to grasp them firmly enough to translate them to paper - er - ether via a keyboard. So they get lost in the ether.

I can't seem to arrange these pics as i want. They both are Sugarbear. One is the mascot, the other the house. We call it "Sugarbear" because we are kind of between Bear City & Sugarloaf. There is another area (a more "ritzy" one) called Moonridge, & the area spreading between Moonridge & Sugarloaf is sometimes called "Moonloaf," tho i imagine the residents there don't like it. Duane wanted our area called Sugarbear, but i doubt we would talk folks into it, so we settled on calling our house that. I like it better that way, anyhoo. But i forget & tell people, "You need to come visit us at Sugarbear," & they don't know what i'm talking about.

The painting is not quite done. We didn't get the trim finished before it was too cold to paint. Many of our pics are of Sugarbear a Wedgewood blue color. That was how Sugarbear was when we bought it. We like this green better, but i'll like it when it is warm enough for me to finish the trim.

I remember hearing a song at my auntie's house called, "Honeycomb." I didn't remember much about it, but i was singing it as "Sugarbear." Duane had never heard it, so i found it on youtube & it is sung by someone named Jimmie Rodgers. (Was that a country song? I get so mixed up on those early rock 'n roll days!)

For the lyrics: Oh, Honeycomb, won't you be my baby; Well Honeycomb, be my own

We sing: Oh, Sugarbear, won't you be our honey, oh Sugarbear we're coming home!

It is our ritual as we reach Onyx Summit & are coasting down to home.

Our weather has been quite warm. A week ago when we got home the berms were piled up so high that i could barely see the children walking by, coming home from school. The one on the corner of our property was over my head. The bushes were completely buried, & there was 2 ft of snow standing in our yard. Now most of the yard is bare, the berms barely visable, & the big one down by more than half. Can hardly believe how much has melted in a week. We've still snow in our back yard in the shadow of the neighbor's house.

Well, it is official. We have registered with an organization called "Miracles Waiting." It is a site that tries to unite donors & folks looking for embryos. Our profile was posted today. I'm kind of dumb. I put my age a year older than i am, tho i don't suppose it will matter much. I don't pay a lot of attention to age. I'm routinely mistaken for 10-12 years younger than i am. In fact, if someone asks my age i have to think before coming up with it. And recently i answered without thinking as 10 years younger than i am & had to correct myself. I don't give it much thought. (I've never given it as 10 years older, however! Edit - actually now that i think about it, i have! But the person i said it to was so stunned i caught myself right away.)

However, on this site i'm afraid that folks will look at my age & not bother looking further. But, again, that is in God's hands. We know there probably is not much chance in someone picking us, so we figure that if they do it will be a clear call that this was "meant to be."

And i think God was wise not giving me children in my 20s. I would have been a horrible mama. Not on purpose. I loved (still do) children, & wanted children so much. However, my own mama was a bit unbalanced & i think i wasn't ready to be a mama. Things to work thru & resolve first. Sometimes i can't help but question the timing - when Duane & i each want so much to be parents, what sense does it make for us to have met so late? It almost seems like a bad joke. But that is life, sometimes.

Anyway, we have begun by opening one door to possibility. See where that takes us.


25 February 2009

Ash Wednesday

I was awake this AM at 5.30, so we went to the service at 6.30. We don't often get (or make) the time to attend St. James, so it was fun to go. An added bonus was my dear friend Linda was there which was simply a joy. The church in BB does an Ash Wednesday service as well, but i thought it would be nice to go today down here. Also their tradition is different. I don't know if this is all Lutheran Churches or just this one. The ashes are placed on your forehead, but you go directly to the baptismal font & have them removed to symbolize what Jesus did for us. I understand this symbolism & think it very pretty & apt. However, i think it is too soon. If they were removed on the way out of church, i'd be ok with it. But to me it is too soon. The point of Lent is to remember & prepare for what Jesus did. Immediately washing the ash away, to me, is making it too cheap.

The pastor this morning spoke of the age-old question of whether to remove them or go thru the day with them on. Part of the scripture today was about not "proclaiming" your good deeds before men. So he said that washing the ashes is an answer to that. On the other hand, it can be a witness. So he made no recommendations either way.

Something in the liturgy today made me think of a relationship i have. I often am disappointed that this person makes no time for me & appears to have no interest in a relationship. To be fair, the person of which i speak is very, very busy. But still i'm disappointed i don't get even a scrap of time anywhere. But the liturgy made me aware that i am probably disappointing to this person as well. There may be things that i'm not doing that i should, & i'm not even aware of how i'm stumbling & being a disappointment. Thank God that he promises to restore!

I had several other "profound" thoughts during the service (even was wondering if i was being "tempted" because i wasn't focusing on the service as well as i thought i should) but those thoughts have disappeared into the ether. I hate losing my brain.

One of the patients in the office where i work considers herself psychic. I will say that she is very intuitive & seems to "know" things. She was telling Dr. Geske that she knew he would be having a girl, & she thought her name would be "Mary" or something close. (Dean & Megan decided not to know the sex before she was born, & didn't share the names they chose). So when she was told the baby is Meredith, she wasn't surprised. She wanted to know if Dr. Geske wanted to know when his next would be born. He declined. Part of me wants to say, "I want to know! Tell me! Will i ever have children? Will i ever get pregnant?" But, i don't believe that is what God desires of me. He calls me to patience. So i'm praying for patience.

Dr. Ketner's daughter is pregnant, due in early October, about the time i would have been due had we actually been pregnant this time around. I don't feel much, now. I don't feel jealous or numb or anything. Like it doesn't matter. Please God, help me to walk whatever line i need to, & be patient.

My CA sis & i chatted yesterday, & she asked if i'm pregnant. Said she'd dreamed i was pregnant with a boy, & then dreamed of him after he was born. I told her i hope she's a prophet! She said she can't remember any of her dreams coming true.

My dear friend Brenda took seriously my Christmas letter saying we are "open to adoption if someone knows someone . . . " She said that a woman in her church has a grandson who's girlfriend is pregnant. They were trying to know what to do - possibly abortion - & Brenda told them she knew of someone to place the baby with. She said the whole church was so excited that there was an option for them besides abortion. (Of course, even with us not in the picture, that is an option. So many families looking to adopt a baby.) However, it is very unlikely this will happen because this was some weeks ago. Brenda thinks they've probably already made their decision.

AND, i was sharing with a client/friend Cindy how much i want to be a mama, but that i am aware that maybe God has called me to give up that desire & accept a childless life. It hurts to think about that, but maybe that is what i'm called to. However, it hurts me more for Duane, for he so wants children & is so good with them, & they love him so much too. Still, i feel i need to be accepting that this may be where we are led. But Cindy said she can't see that God would put this desire in our hearts so deeply to have it thwarted.

But, there is so much about God that we don't understand.

I have been in the place of letting go. I wrote of this before, giving away most of the things i've collected over the years for a child. I feel very much i need to let most of those go. I'd rather see them on a living child than in a box, useless, as a memorial to what i wanted. Duane was worried that i would hurt seeing another child in the things i'd so wanted for our baby. That may be, but i think it is healthy.

I'd forgotten my mother was having surgery yesterday. My sis from FL called to say she is doing well. She is to go home today so i'll call later to check on her.

Wow, i've been loquacious this morning! Time to stop. We go home soon. Sugarbear, here we come! I hate leaving every week, but every week we have a joyous homecoming! (I'll be glad to see our cats, too.)


23 February 2009

Following God - i hope!

Our weather has been strange.

We had heavy snow in December. January was so warm i was afraid our trees would start leafing out. Early February was cold with lots more snow. When we got home last week the berm at the corner of our property was over my head & we had 2 Ft of snow on the deck outside our bedroom. Last week had record (record since we have lived in BB!) cold with a low at -1.8F for 2 days running.

Now, in the past 3 days the low hasn't gotten under 40F, & the snow is melting FAST. It rained yesterday & was raining when we left today. More pleasant when driving down, but strange, none the less.

There is a story that has circulated off & on for the past several years of a man on a rooftop of a flooded area who has 2 boats & a helicopter offer to take him to safety. (I've simplified the story some.) Each time his response was, "God will provide." So he drowns & asks God why he didn't respond. God's reply: "I sent 2 boats & a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Often times we look for divine intervention when the answer is something prosaic in front of us.

We very much want a family & hoped that that would occur in the "natural" way. We have tried to be patient & do what we can to facilitate that (healthy eating, acupuncture, herbs & supplements, etc.). We do not want to run ahead of God, but we also don't want to sit idly expecting divine intervention when there are boats & helicopters offering help. Sometimes hard to decide, & here the analogy rather breaks down.

We began being open to other options about 6 months ago. In the Christmas letter we sent out we mentioned that we are "open" to adoption. By that we meant that if someone knew of a mama looking to place her baby, keep us in mind!

I doubt if there has ever been a lottery winner who found the ticket on the street as he was walking around. Not many win the lottery, but if they do they bought a ticket. At this point i see that having a child will be like winning the lottery. But if we don't actually do something it probably won't happen. Now i do know of a couple who weren't actively seeking adoption, but had a mama hear of them & decide to place her baby with them.

We would love it if that should happen, for it would be very clear to us that God had a hand in that ("boat" or "helicopter"). We wouldn't have any questions about running ahead of God or trying to force our "fate."

We talked about it in the last couple of days & have decided to be a little more proactive about searching. We have done the preliminary paperwork for a program that is foster children/foster to adopt. At this point it is nothing more than a basic inquiry. And we have joined a program that matches folks who have completed their families & have embryos left over to folks still seeking to complete a family. There are more people looking for embryos than those who are donating, so if someone chooses us, again we would see that as a "boat" or "helicopter"!

We would have to have a reproductive specialist if this were to happen, so i've a pending appointment in about 3 weeks. If we decide we're not quite ready for this, i can postpone this appointment.

Ah well. It is hard to know when you are waiting, & when to get up & do something. Lord, help us!


22 February 2009

Sunday, Sunday

Gene did a service today i enjoyed more than any other in some time. I recognize that church & worship is not "all about me," but it helps a lot if i feel comfortable, not insulted or angry about things being said. The homily was on the Transfiguration. Gene said that transfiguration is not about change but revealing what is inside of us, what is hidden. When Jesus was transfigured, Peter, James & John saw him as he is, & what was normally hid day to day.

Gene said that we don't really know ourselves (or others) because God has not yet called us by name & revealed what is inside & hidden.

My take on that is that while we don't yet know ourselves or what is hidden, we are there "growing." And that what we feed our inner selves with will effect what is to be revealed. If i feed myself with negative thoughts & complaints & deliberate sin i will be stunted & not who God desires me to grow to be. Conversely, focusing on being obedient to the word of God, to be obedient to his commands, to choose to walk with him daily will grow me in the direction that will be pleasing to God.

I'm not saying we can do this by ourselves. And i clearly believe that salvation comes from God & God only thru Jesus. But we can & do make choices every day that effect how we are growing & reflecting Jesus.

I'm thinking & hoping we can be content in this church for the time being. Have to see how that plays out. However, if we have children & the church has not made major changes by then i think we will need to find another. We might even have to forgo liturgy if it means we are in a church that loves Jesus, is healthy, & has a program for children. They have some ideas now (at our current church) for "growing" a youth/children's ministry, but i'm thinking i'll believe it when i see it. And, while i as an adult can make my own decisions about discernment on what are Gene's opinions & what is Theology/the word of God, there are things he teaches that i'm not sure i want him teaching my children.

Enough said. If we don't ever have children, we don't have to worry about it!

I like squirrels. They often are not very popular here because there are so many of them & they eat gardens, etc. But i haven't grown an outside garden here yet, & so i like them. I put food out for them on the deck outside my bedroom sliding glass door & enjoy watching them very much. Jazz & Mac enjoy watching them too. They so much want to catch one. (I think they would change their minds if they actually did.)

Squirrels are quite territorial. I didn't know that before living here 'cause i'd never been around them much. I put out plenty of food, but they eat one at a time. No sharing for them. Sometimes they carry a nut or seed off & another squirrel can come in the meantime, but they chase each other off a lot. Or, there are a couple that come & stay & stay & stay. They just graze & chase all the others off.

But today a couple of them were really fighting. One ended up with a swollen, bloody nose (& he was the dominant one.) Another i saw with blood on a back paw & he limped off. Another was either on the roof or in the tree crying. They are cute when they chase each other around, but i could do without the fighting.


21 February 2009

This 'n That

I think i could title all my posts this way!

Dean & Megan had a little girl yesterday. They named her Meredith Noel, she was 8 lbs 11 oz & born healthy at 12.43 PM. I'm happy for them. And wistful.

The meeting with Gene (our pastor) happened yesterday. All in all i think it was positive. We discussed 4 or 5 issues. I've talked of some of them here, but the post i wrote in really full detail Duane thought was too negative to be on a public forum & i moved it else where.

First, one of my major concerns was on a theological point. Gene & i had had a discussion a long time ago, & i misunderstood something he said & that misunderstanding colored much of what i heard him preach thereafter. So if i can just get my mind around the idea & rethink my thoughts i may feel better about what i'm hearing in his sermons.

The last thing we talked about was a liturgical issue, & he easily & readily agreed with me, & i hope it is less a problem in the future. If it is not, he said "call him on it," & if i don't Duane probably will.

The stuff we discussed between first & last was not resolved & probably will not be. One of the items i dropped quickly as i can see there would be no agreement on it. (On the use of "shaming" which i feel is bad manipulation. His feeling is that if he speaks the truth & the person feels "shamed" the Holy Spirit is convicting. I don't agree, but we won't agree on that. But if it doesn't happen too much i can live with that one.) Most of the things we disagreed on were not the ones so important, probably. It was the theological & liturgical issues i felt most important. The other ones i can live with, probably. He still said a couple of things i'm not that comfortable with, but i can give it a few months to see how it plays out.

Which is a good thing because Duane has a number of council-driven responsibilities that he would not be able to walk away from.

I was reading a blog last weekend (Triple the Scraps) on righteousness. The date was 15 February if the link doesn't take you right there. I think what caught me was this quote:
R.C. Sproul says “The struggle we have with a Holy God is rooted in the conflict between God’s righteousness and our unrighteousness. He is just, and we are unjust.” At the time it seemed to really speak to me.

Don't think i've much more to say now. Of course i'm bound to think of something later!


19 February 2009

A lot on my mind

This is a rather fun spot to visit: Blogthings

It has a number of different quizzes. The one i took is "How Liberal or Conservative Are You? This was my result:

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense & Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

However, i don't consider this test particularly accurate. One of the questions was on The Fed. Should they focus on inflation or reducing unemployment? To me this is a moot, stupid question. I think The Fed should be abolished. Two other questions like this, i think.

This site had a number of other quizzes which were kind of fun to take, & i wasted some time there. But the educational questions irritated me, & some of the others as well, for they don't give you the answers just how many you missed. So it became rather pointless for it didn't help increase my knowledge at all. I "passed" the educational ones i took, tho i wish they would tell me the answers for the incorrect. But i really would have liked the answers to the one on blogging, for i know so little about it. They told me, "Well, you know what a blog is!" Meaning i don't know much else - but i knew that without taking a test!

I was reading a blog today about a young woman (26) with three small children, (I'll call her "S"). I don't know what caught my interest on it, for it isn't usually the kind of thing i read unless i know the person. S married young, 20, her husband 22, & they had known each other for 4 years before they married.

I'm feeling old; but grateful.

I married the first time around at 20. He was older than i (35). Early on i think we did ok, tho i think we each greatly desired to be loved much more than we really loved. Very immature. But while he didn't treat me cruelly, he didn't treat me well. Constant lying & other issues. But i was determined to believe all things were good. Reading over journals from that time is quite a bizarre experience. The cognitive dissonance is on every page. I would write of the things he said but then go on to say how happy, how very, very happy we were. It was twisted.

I began to wake up from this after about 4 years. That's another story.

Some of the things i read in this young mama's blog reminds me of that cognitive dissonance in my life at that age. I want to reach out & smack this young husband. I want to send them the books by Gary Smalley & John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). I want to send them to Sandy McDaniel's website for parenting help. Most of all, i want to tell them somethings aren't worth fighting over. I hurt for them, & don't even know them. The blogging world is unusual indeed. But i often feel the same about novels - & those folks don't even exist!

When i married the first time, i was very pliable. I wanted to be, do, say whatever my husband wanted me to. Largely, i thought if i wasn't those things i wouldn't be loved. I guess that was true, for whenever i disagreed with anything he said he would tell me i was "not supportive" & "negative" & didn't help him. He didn't SAY but he implied i was stupid. And it was then that he began lying to me. If he had kept the lies secret we might have plugged on even longer. But he couldn't keep a secret & when the lies came out his attitude was "You stupid bitch, you didn't recognize that was a lie?" Enough on that. My point is that i wanted to bend, meld, & be flexible.

When we split i was single for a long time. By the time i met Duane i'd been on my own quite some time. Knowing how much i had been willing to bend to make the first time work i was worried i would not be able to do that. I was older, less flexible, wanting my own way.

But God is so good. Duane & i fit together in a way that doesn't require me to be someone i'm not in order to gain his acceptance. We still have miscommunications (see the post on 16 February), & i'm not as good to him as i should be. I'm so far from the perfect wife that it depresses me sometimes. Sometimes Duane is a bit clueless for what a woman (i) would really like. But he is thoughtful, & caring, & doesn't put me down or make me feel stupid. When we have a misunderstanding more often than not we giggle.

So, i'm thankful in coming to our marriage late. We may have more struggles in some ways (we both so desperatly want to have a family) but many of the anxieties & stresses of youth are gone. We both know there is little worth really fighting over (we have not found it yet, but i'm sure there must be some issues) & that there is NOTHING ON EARTH that is worth treating my best friend & dearest lover in a manner that puts him down, is hurtful or insulting. Granted, we are not parents (yet!?!) & that may bring up some issues, but i hope that we will not forget common courtesy & treating each other like a dear friend. I also think that i will be a much healthier, more balanced parent at this age than i would have if i'd had children at 20 or 21.

Tonight is the council meeting at church. Both Duane & i are on the council. There is nothing that better describes these meetings than a quote i heard a few weeks ago: "Committe meetings are the only place where folks keep minutes & waste hours." Or something very similar. I do hope it goes well. I nearly had a melt down last time (tho i said not a word). However, a few folks knew how upset i was. The direction we are taking will not permit this church to grow or encourage young families to join. I've said this before, but i am very concerned. As the pastor leads the church follows (usually) & as i'm coming to believe our pastor is not very healthy, the direction of the church is following that. Oh well. Please Lord, guard my mouth, but help me to say the things that are important. When i get very upset or angry i tend to shut up & freeze. In general i think that is better than flying off the handle & saying things you regret later, but it often keeps me from saying things that should be said.

We had the ladies luncheon today. It was nice, but hard for me. Most of these ladies are in their 60s, 70s, maybe 80s. A couple of us are younger, but i'm the youngest by 10 years or more. They talk about things that drive me crazy. Medications, medications, medications, & what the "Doctor" (mini-god) said. (In case it hasn't come across, i've little faith in either medications or doctors. I recognize there are a few - precious few - good ones, but in general i don't trust them.) There just doesn't seem to be much for me to talk about. That's ok, people like good listeners, but i get tired of hearing about meds, meds, meds, & docs. Ok, that was just unkind of me. These ladies do love me & if i talk they listen. They care. It just seems that we have so little in common.

In talking today i realized that it has been nearly 20 years since i started college. It will be that long this fall. Wow. Yes, i feel old compared to so many others i know. But inside me i don't feel old. I feel that i've learned a lot, but the person inside still is young, learning her way, trying to figure it all out. Don't think i've yet decided what i want to be when i "grow up."

Yes i have! I want to be a mama!

Oh well, so many things we don't have control over.


18 February 2009

Going home soon

Finished with my 11 AM client. Waiting for Duane to come for me because we are leaving direct from here.

The following is a quote attributed to Thomas Jefferson:

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have.

I think it is pretty accurate for our country these days. Big government is a recipe for trouble.

There is a push, currently, on one of the blogs i watch, to sponsor children thru a program called Compassion International. As far as i can tell, there are no children in their program in THIS country to sponsor. It seems to me that there should be plenty of intercity children & those in the "back woods" of the Appalachian mountains & other places in the country who need to be sponsored as well. Most of the profiles i read for the children of CI have a two parent family & both parents work. While i have no doubt these children need assistance, i would feel much better starting in my own country first.

I'm sure there are some such programs, i just need to work to find them. It sometimes just is confusing to me to see someone go half way around the country to help folks when then ones in their back yard are just as much in need.


17 February 2009

No Title, just some thoughts

Ok, i admit it, i'm blog addicted. As i feared, reading one blog leads to 2 (or 20) more. I don't read them all, but peruse them to get an idea of what they write. Maybe 5% of these i add as something to follow. (Sometimes later i ask myself, "Why am i following this?" & then they might get deleted.)

One type of site i am interested in are folks who want to have a family & are having problems, & there are lots of those blogs out there. But i'm interested in only a limited number. First of all, i'm NOT interested in following a lot of IF IVF FET ICSI BFN/BFP & other abbreviations. (Infertile, invitro fertilization, frozen embryo transfer, intracytoplasmic sperm injection, big fat negative, big fat positive - i actually had to look these things up to know what most of them are.) There probably are a couple i will follow who are doing that, but i don't want to be too caught up in it.

I'm more interested in folks who are seeking God's call. That might be to wait, it might be to foster or adopt, it might mean using natural supplements & alternative care, it might be to choose medical intervention, it might be to accept that two can form a family. I don't mean to sound insensitive because this is a very painful subject, but these folks are so self focused & focused on what their bodies are doing & what their REs are saying (reproductive endocrinologist) & throwing around a lot of abbreviations.

Some of these women are taking strong medications to try to force their bodies to get pregnant. Some of them are young (23 -27). Some of them probably would get pregnant if they would clean up their lives (chemical "foods," household cleaners, personal care products, laundry soaps, etc.) and just let it happen in God's time. But, if a 23 YO is seeking RE help to get pregnant, & taking meds that cost $2000 a month, that tells me this is big business & the docs haven't a lot of incentive to help the wanna-be-moms to clean their lives & live healthier. More money to be made with IVF/FET/ICSI etc.

Granted, some folks do need this kind of help. And at a younger & younger age they are finding women with endometriosis & fibroid & other medical issues. AGAIN, this points to an unhealthy lifestyle. Yes, some of these young women will need medical help to get pregnant, But i would bet 80% of them would get pregnant naturally if they changed the way they are living. Do i sound harsh & judgmental? I don't mean to be. Wanting to have a family & not being able to is very painful. Having miscarriages is painful. Losing a child is painful. Seeing other folks having children easily & naturally when you can't yourself is painful. I know that pain. But i also think that it is too easy to seek a doctor who won't explain options & may make you believe that medical intervention is the only choice. It is pretty bad when everyone is brainwashed into believing that pregnancy is something that only happens with a medical diagnosis & intervention.

Yes, i know this pain. Megan (Dr. Geske's wife) was due Saturday. I see her again this afternoon. I've been working on her weekly for several weeks now. Before that it was monthly. I first found out she was pregnant when i had our most recent failed pregnancy last July. I understood Cain (of the Cain & Able story) better than i ever had or ever wanted to. I was SOOOO jealous i cried (silently) thru many of those massages.

But God doesn't call me to be jealous (or do murder). He doesn't call me to feel sorry for myself. He doesn't call me to be self-focused. He calls me to be obedient & wait on him. He calls me to be accepting - EVEN IF THAT MEANS I DON'T BECOME A MAMA.

Duane mentioned being interested in medical intervention in the wake of the crazy mama who had a litter recently. This makes me concerned. Because, i think, it could be running ahead of God. I think it could be forcing my body to do what it knows it cannot do. I think the fact that we've not had a viable pregnancy in 3 years now indicates that i'm not healthy enough to carry the pregnancy. What happens if we do something to force my body into it? AND there is the financial issue. Many of the parents doing this are borrowing huge amounts of money to do so. One blog i came across where the wife is now pregnant stated bluntly that she wonders how they will pay for the fertility treatment she has received & have money to raise their child.

Please Lord, help me be patient & wait on you. Please help me accept what you have in store for us.

Addendum: I do not want to sound critical of folks who are going thru the heartbreak of infertility. I just get frustrated with our society's great faith in what is called the "health care system." Doctors & "conventional" medicine have become the new god worshiped in our culture. The fact is docs are very limited by their education & the standard protocols. They have not learned to think critically or "outside the box." Much of my history of poor health has been a result of this limited thinking & the medical field's tendency to treat symptoms not cause. Enough said.


16 February 2009

Best Laid Plans

Well, so much for compromise. I've not had but one Wednesday client (& she's been once a month) for months now. No one. Even when people have scheduled they cancel for Wednesday. BUT, of course, i'm scheduled for one now. Eleven AM for half an hr. I'm miffed! Don't know, might check & see if i can reschedule her.

Two weeks ago i picked up a free book from a book counter. It is titled: For Better Or for Best, Understanding Your Husband. I actually got it 'cause it was free & planned to use it for a craft project. But then i saw it was by Gary Smalley, who i had read years ago. So i decided to read it.

It is a good book. Largely i felt rather smug 'cause the things he is describing are not generally problems for Duane & me. But in reading it i thought that there are times that i take him for granted. And that even tho our marriage is good, there are things we can do to make it better. There is a companion book to this one called, If Only He Knew. It is for the husbands to read.

I also came across a blog site that is talking about the 8 mistakes they made in their marriage, (& to avoid them, of course). I sent that to Duane. Again, it is not that i think we have most of these problems, but an attempt to make what is good, even better.

I thought i had asked Duane if he would be willing to read the blog & the book. I thought he said ok. So yesterday we were at Barnes & Noble & i got the companion book. I said, "This is the companion book to the one i have been reading. It is the book for the husbands to read. Is that ok?" "Yeah, yeah, sure, ok."

So i put it on his side of the bed last night & he tried to give it to me. "???"

He said, "You want me to read it?"

I'm like, "Well, yeah. I thought you said you would."

He said, "I said that? I don't remember saying that? When did i say that, in my sleep? I thought you just liked the other one & so you wanted to read this too."

"Hellllllooooooo, the companion book for the husbands to read???!!!!"

"Oh." He said. So we got to giggling about the miscommunication we had about reading a marriage book on communication.

That is why i think our marriage is in pretty good shape over all. Things like this make us giggle. According to Gary Smalley, many of the couples he counsels would start fighting about it, the wife saying, "You never listen to me! You don't care about me or our marriage at all!" We, we just giggle.

So Duane started reading it (after good humoredly complaining & grouching about it) & was amused that Gary says that men think things thru logically & can decide quickly, while women take a long time to adjust to change. (Duane, Saturday night, "So we go down Sunday?" Kathryn, Sunday morning, "Ok, yes we'll do it but i don't LIKE it!")

I, on the other hand, was amused 'cause Gary says you have to tell guys over & over & over before they "get it."
Kathryn: "I think these books & website can help make our good marriage better."
"I don't think we have most of these problems, but i think they can help us understand each other better."
"We really don't have these problems, but we might be able to learn something from the books/website."
"We have a great marriage, but maybe this will help make it even greater."
"I feel pretty smug reading these books 'cause we don't have most of these problems."

Duane (this AM), "Ah, we're not reading these books 'cause we have a problem, are we? Is there something i'm missing here?"

Ah, yes, we have a good marriage, but there are still communication issues between the genders!!!


15 February 2009

Sunday Down the Hill

Well, it is Sunday, & we are down the mountain. Sigh.

There is a heavy storm predicted for Sunday night, Monday, into early Tuesday AM. The report says 1 to 2 ft of snow & "blizzard like conditions" making travel "treacherous." Ha! I thought, stay home!

I mentioned the report to Duane Saturday night, & he said, "Should we leave early?"

"Early?" I thought. "Like 6 AM? What sense does that make?"

"Like Sunday," Duane said. I didn't realize he wasn't finished. And i have to admit, it NEVER would have occurred to me to think of Sunday. So i slept on it.

Waking this morning i told Duane, "There is nothing on earth i'd like to do less than go down the hill today."

"Okay," he replied, very calm.

"However," i continued, "it makes sense. If it would be dangerous to travel tomorrow, but we both need to be down, then i guess i can do it. BUT, since you will be working Monday AM, & i've not been having clients Wednesday AM, i want to come back . . . "

"Tuesday night?" he asked.

"No, i'll have clients late Tuesday. But i want to come back as early as possible Wednesday AM."

So we reached a compromise. We are down the hill. We tried to use the time to visit with a couple of different friends today, but that didn't pan out.

I've got to make plans to say home some week before long, however. I'm tired & want to be home. Will work this in some how!


14 February 2009

Valentine's Day

I'm so happy to be married to the most wonderful Sweetheart in the world!

When i was growing up, i felt very disconnected in my family. We were not a "family group," we were a bunch of disjointed folks co-existing in the same house.

The times i felt really at peace, connected, a part of a group were on a couple of different occasions at camp. Falling asleep at night & waking the next morning in the quiet of folks i knew accepted me are some of my most peaceful memories.

The joy of being married to Duane is that each & every day is like this.

I've been blessed.


13 February 2009


There are up sides & down sides to blog reading.

I've come across so many things, miscarriages & infant deaths. There is one that has really effected me.

A child named Cora in Kansas City was diagnosed with cancer about 4 weeks ago. She was 10 months old at the time. She had been having ear infections that would not clear, & the last time her mother brought her in her doc thought that her liver was involved. The tests they did found a large mass in her liver, & also spots on her kidneys. She had 4 surgeries across 2 weeks, & they were doing very aggressive chemo. She had a lot of folks praying for her. She died about a week ago. I've been praying her family, & especially her mama & daddy, Joel & Jess. This must be so hard for them. They went from having an apparently healthy child to losing her in three weeks time. I can't imagine how hard it is for her poor mama to have empty arms.

My point in writing this is two prong. First, what could cause an 10 month old baby to have cancer so early??? From what i've read, these folks are corn growers in KS (almost undoubtedly GMO). Could that effect her? I know there probably aren't any answers, but for such a young child to develop cancer is rather extreme, i think. Once i read about this, it didn't surprise me when she died. I was just rather waiting to hear that it occurred. I also rather think the doctors killed her, but that is my personal bias.

The second point grows rather out of my personal bias.

In the book Christy by Catherine Marshall, Christy goes to teach school in the mountains in Tennessee. At one point, a mother with a sick infant follows an old wives tale about the child's illness, & in the process of following the tale, breaks her daughter's neck & the child dies. Christy is greatly distressed by this, knowing the woman in her ignorance killed the much loved child. She has a very hard time listening to the mother mourn her much desired daughter & quoting, "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord."

Can you see where i'm going with this? Believing that the docs probably killed this child with their aggressive chemo & other standard protocol is very hard for me. The fact that so many people follow current medical standards to their deaths & then have their families say that "The Lord took them when he knew best," when in all probability they should have lived for some time longer.

Today i was looking over their website again, because of something said in another blog. In it i read that the mama took this child to the doc before Christmas, sick, & the doc gave antibiotics
again, and THREE vaccines. Was the doc an idiot? YOU NEVER GIVE A SICK INFANT VACCINES. Cora probably already had the cancer at that point, but giving her vaccines was like pouring gasoline on a fire. The natural health people say not only not to give a sick infant vaccines, but when they are given - to a healthy child - to give them one at a time. Their best recommendation is to give none at all before age 2, if the parents are determined to vaccinate.

I've thought about it - it was a few days ago i wrote the beginning of this blog - & i suppose that saying, "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh . . . " is the best way to handle the inexplicable. It could very well be that this is what would have happened anyway, tho i have a hard time believing it. If nothing else it underlines how very toxic we have made God's creation. It is frustrating to me to see how few people see this. GMO corn causing cancer? Ridiculous! Vaccines killing the immune system? How absurd! Plastics creating endocrine imbalances? Don't be silly! Yet, in the past we had DES babies, heart failures from meds, seizures from sugar-substitutes, etc., etc., etc., the list is practically endless. Yet people still think that if the FDA approved it then it must be safe.

I WILL NOT be sending such a post to her parents. The poor folks are hurting enough. Likewise, i hope not too many people say, "You can have another," as i saw one commenter post. I hope in the future they do have more children, but lady-who-wrote-that-post, this poor mama just lost her dearly loved daughter. Let her grieve. Talking about future children is heartless & insensitive, & doesn't give Cora's life its proper respect. Let the family mourn.


11 February 2009

Back on the Mountain

Monday AM we woke to about 6 inches of snow. We dug out the driveway & started down the mountain with the spider spikes on the front tires of the Honda. It took two hours to get down the hill (normally a 50-60 minute drive), & it was snowing & visibility bad. I'd have stayed home!

But the report was that the total snowfall for that day was 20 inches, & the low that night was 3.5 F. So we were somewhat dreading coming home to dig out the driveway again. Even tho last night was cold also, 4.3 F, today was in the mid 40s & so the roads were not too bad. We came the long way thru the desert, because the snow drive is much less. In fact, we only kept the spiders on for about 10 miles because most of the road was bare, & much of it dry.

Still, it was a great surprise to us to get home and find our driveway - most of it - bare & dry! Our kind neighbor had run his snowblower over 95% of it, & it was ready. Duane had about 2 feet in front of the garage to clear. We put the car in the garage because another bout of storms are due, staring either tonight or tomorrow AM.

I find that when the stove box is cold it takes a looooonnnnnng time to get a fire going, but it is now & blowing out nice warm air. It is nice & cozy & is good to be home.

Our pastor, Gene, canceled the meeting i've with him tomorrow because of the weather & other obligations he has down the hill We will meet at a later time.


10 February 2009


We got 20 inches of snow yesterday, but traveled down the hill thru it to get to work. I'd have preferred to stay home! According to the site we check, the low last night was 3.5 F. That is COLD! But Southern CA is beautiful. The mountains right now are gorgeous, but the temp in OC is in the 70s, & the ornamental trees are blooming. It is very pretty here right now.

And i so enjoyed the moonlight on the snowfall Sunday night. It was so beautiful & calm.

I'm so very tired. But had a PT appt today & actually feel better. I wish i could afford to see her more often.

I'm also overwhelmed by life today. Or, rather, what we are doing to our world. I firmly believe that much of the hoopla about terrorism etc. is to produce a fearful public who will say to the gov't, "Yes, yes, yes! ANYTHING to keep us
safe!" It is the quickest way to get people to voluntarily give up their freedoms. Likewise with the medical establishment. If a doc says to a person, "You need ______," they usually do it with no question. Medications, vaccines, procedures, mammograms, chemo, radiation, people do it & never question the reasoning, & many of them never realize that docs are treating SYMPTOMS NOT the CAUSE. And people appear to be oblivious to the toll this takes on our environment. It makes me tired because most people are so brainwashed by this system that if you suggest there might be a better way, they look at you blankly. It is like you are talking Latin to them or something. It just does not register. Oh well. Just like witnessing for Jesus, i have to live my faith & take the opportunity to talk to people about it when the chance comes up.

I've an appointment with our pastor, Gene, on Thursday. The truth is there is so much to say to him that i know it can't all be said in one visit, & i need to carefully choose what to focus on. And to find a way to say it in the best possible way.

Please, Lord, help me find the right words.


07 February 2009

So Much to Say . . .

I've not written for days, largely because i've so much to talk about i'm overwhelmed. Items include current stuff, dreams, another blog i'm reading, losing babies, pain, a visit to our pastor, my views on Christianity & the Church, fatigue, laziness, & trying to manage the house.

We had about 5 inches of snow fall last night, & it is beautiful outside. Duane is less impressed. He never lived in snow/cold weather before we moved here 2 years ago & i think the 4+ feet in December has depleted his enthusiasm for the snow. The snow plow just came by. I'm thankful for the snow. We've had such unseasonably warm weather i was beginning to fear my trees would bud out. The cottonwood & maple looked close to forming leaves. I don't want them to start too soon, because last year we lost all the apples due to a late snow the end of May.

We also saw the movie Push last night. I wasn't terribly impressed. It as been compared to Matrix, but i think it is much less a movie. Plus it was out of focus all the way thru. Someone in the control room messed up. Didn't seem to bother the rest of the audience, but it bugged me - i should have complained early on. And the theater was very cold. I shivered all the way thru. Just full of complaints, aren't i?

I dreamt a lot last night. This is good, actually, for when i am dreaming, i wake with more energy & less fatigue. As i was falling asleep i saw an infant's face, like that seen on an ultrasound. And all night long i dreamt of family. I don't remember the details, except one dream. We were staying with a lot of family. Duane's mom is from a big family in Wisconsin, & both my parents are from big families in Tennessee & Kentucky. This happened to be in Kansas City. We don't have family there, but a family with a child, Cora, who is ill there. I've been praying for her. Anyway, in the dream the family was eating, but we were served plates with food already on them rather than serving ourselves. And much of the food was meat-based. I didn't know what to do. Usually at such a meal i will just choose vegetables to eat, but this was already portioned for me & i didn't want to be rude.

On a side note, Duane's parents told me this week that his Uncle Dick asked if i had cancer! I guess because of my diet (no meat/poultry, & no bread/wheat/gluten). Their response was surprise but also an almost indignant "Lots of people are vegetarian!" That was nice.

I'm reading another blog, Bring the Rain. She is the wife of a Christian singer, & lost a child not quite a year ago. Early in her pregnancy they told her the baby had severe medical problems & could not survive, but they chose to continue the pregnancy & pray for a miracle. The baby was born last spring, & lived for a couple of hours. A few months after that, her sister-in-law lost a baby to crib death. This blog has thousands of people following it. She uses the blog to uplift & praise the Lord, tho naturally she has many questions & is angry at times.

If nothing else i realize there are worse things than losing a baby at 10 weeks pregnancy. I didn't have any pain, or lingering after effects. How much harder to carry the baby 30+ weeks & then lose her. Or to lose a baby at three months old to crib death. Or to have multiple miscarriages far enough along to see the baby's development. Or to have someone choose you as an adoptive parent & then change her mind the day you are to take the baby home. I've read these stories, & so i know others do know the pain of it, & far more.

While i was upset & disappointed at losing Kaylee at 10+ weeks, it didn't seem too hard at the time. I thought i was handling it pretty well. However, i remember thinking that if i wasn't pregnant again by her due date (26 May) that i would have a hard time. That has been true, but i've tried not to "set myself up" for having a hard time. This year would have been her 3rd birthday. We still have not managed a viable pregnancy. We have no children. So as time goes by, it is getting harder for me. I look at children who would be about her same age, & i ache. I didn't feel it so much the first year, having empty arms. But as time goes on it gets harder & I WANT MY DAUGHTER! It isn't going to happen. It is hard too, because motherhood is a world i can't enter. I see a child playing, & occasionally i ask the child's age. And i think, "Kaylee would be 6 months older than that." I've learned not to tell people i would have a 2-1/2 year old. They never know how to respond to it, & so it really is not fair to say.

And, (this is going to sound self-pitying) it is pretty poor. Part of me thinks that i focus so much on Kaylee & how she would be because i haven't anything better to keep me occupied. We've not had other pregnancies to focus on, nor have we children to focus on, so all i have is this pitiful "I would have had a daughter." This is NOT to negate any of the pain others have felt losing children, but most of them have children. Our lives are empty of that. All i have is the memory of our tiny child, the size of a kumquat, who was lost to us. And it has gotten harder not easier.

I'm not a person who says, "Why God?" Much as i respect folks who believe that God directs our every breath, my belief is that he grieves with us, and promises that it will all work to his glory. There is so much i don't understand. Death grieves me. Simple things like seeing the squirrels run over on our way down the mountain. If it is me that hits a squirrel (it has happened twice) i will cry. I don't understand the death of babies, like those i've been reading of. I don't understand people who can be deliberately cruel. Pictures of animals without homes, or stories of how they've been mistreated, children without homes, or stories of how they've been mistreated, distress me beyond words. Just that knowledge that such things exist hurt me. I don't understand many things. However, my way of dealing with it is simply to trust that even tho i can't begin to understand, it is in his hands & God promises that it will work for good. It is not my belief that i will get to heaven & demand that he explain it all to me. Just to be in his presence & experience his glory will be all that i need. And so while i ache, & desperately want a child, i have to trust that it will all work out for good. Not necessarily for my good, & not necessarily what i desire, but to his glory in ways i cannot see.

I have been in pain for the past 10 days or more. My legs are near constantly in pain, especially along the IT band & down my calf. It is not extreme pain, a 6 or 7, but it has been there & nothing seems to help. Exercise didn't, resting didn't, cutting sugar didn't. Last weekend i thought maybe it was because of the brownies i'd made & a sugar overload. I did 2-1/2 days of juice fast on Monday, Tuesday, & part of Wed, but it didn't help much. This AM when i woke, feeling rather refreshed for a change, i noted almost immediately that my legs (L has been worse) did NOT hurt. That didn't continue, & i have been in some pain off & on today. But as i sit here & type, today is the first time i've not been in pain for more than 10 days. I've very thankful.

I've an appt to see our pastor on Thursday, but this is already long & i'll write of it another time.

Duane & i cleared the snow off the driveway & the downstairs front deck. It was light & so not difficult, & i think about the right amount of exercise for me today. I am sleepy! The snow was coming down again, lazy, big flakes, & so we may have another several inches by tomorrow AM.


02 February 2009

Another Week

It is Monday, so we are down the hill again.

As i feared, no baby for us. Wishful thinking. I am beginning to think that i "talk myself" into having symptoms if i'm a few days late. It is a little hard not to be bitter. Dean & Megan are expecting their baby any day now.

When i was pregnant with Kaylee i began collecting a few items. I held on to them for a long time. I have now given most of them away. If we do have a baby i can began again. Maybe, until i let go & give them all up it won't happen for us. But this almost sounds superstitious. And i've a couple of things i don't want to give away!

A family moved into the house across the street from us. They've three kids. The two older ones were at our house for a little while Saturday. It was fun. I remember as a kid how much i enjoyed visiting a neighbor lady.

We visited the Catholic Church Sunday. We decided if we just have to leave the Lutheran that it will be a viable alternative for us, but to work to be able to stay at the Lutheran Church. It is obvious to us the priest at the Catholic preaches the gospel & pulls no punches for what is God's Word. But it is a big church, & feeling like we are part of it would be a challenge. At the Lutheran we are a major part because it is such a small congregation, but we feel like part of a family community. And as a family community, i need to try to find a way to be more comfortable there. What i mean is - you don't walk away from family without trying to mend relationship & fix the fences. So, i need to make an appt to talk to Gene. Part of my hesitation to do so was that i feared such a meeting would make me have to leave. But i think i'm not giving him enough credit. We've always managed before.

End of a long day. Good night! (I know this will show a post about noon, but i've spent all day on it & it is now 7.30. I'm done with work - going "home" to my in-laws.)