This 'n That From on the Mountain

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

O God and Heavenly Father,
Grant me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;
courage to change that which can be changed,
and wisdom to know the one from the other,
through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Reinhold Niebuhr

I always thought this was by Saint Francis of Assisi and i'd never heard of Reinhold Niebuhr, but this is the Saint Francis Prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi

My mother had a copy of this in her house.

It looked like i'd abandoned my blog, didn't it?

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I ended up getting really busy.

I made about 20 hats for a pediatric cancer unit (not all pictured here),

tons of finger puppets, the snowflakes i've already posted, and

tatted necklaces.

Duane made “survival bracelets” from paracord for the boys.

Because i did 12 days of Christmas for 19 people, i ended up having well over 200 little things to wrap. I'd kind of forgotten that part, and it took me days and days to get it all done. I'd thought i'd be done by late November or early December, but i'd forgotten about all the wrapping.

I've been struggling with negativity and anger. It seems so much of what i have been thinking/feeling is so very negative or angry, i've not wanted to write.

Also – and this is a good thing ! - i've been up more and not on the computer quite as much. I've been playing with amino acids with the help of Julia Ross' The Mood Cure. It has been a hit and miss thing. Some of the aminos made me worse. I am not “cured” by any means, but i am sleeping better and have been able to manage the energy i do have more efficiently. I haven't considered depression my issue for a long time, but i find a lot of things that surround depression - like trouble sleeping - addressed in this book and i still struggle with them.

I'm struggling with faith, too, tho this is an on-going thing. I know i have readers (if you're still coming!) who would disagree, but i just don't see a lot of evidence that God intervenes in our lives much at all. I've long believed that God's interaction is largely spiritual and not physical, and i don't see much that changes my mind about this.

I've several people in my life right now who have cancer or other medical issues. I do not understand the faith of Christian people in conventional medicine. “My doctor says . . . ” is quoted as if from some great prophet. I've a whole lot to say on that issue.

I have still sometimes perused the blogs i was reading before, but have not commented due to my fore-asaid negativity. I've tended to be sarcastic in this mood – not that i wanted to be rude to anyone i read but i didn't trust myself or what i would say would come out right. While i was gone, Sara died.

(I like this font, but it is interesting that the “G”s and the “Q”s look the same in lower case: g q . Also, this font seems harder to read and to manipulate in blogger, so i'll probably abandon it.)

I also need to “clean up” my blog from old pictures (i'll be running out of room soon) and old negativity – i've said some things that needs to come off! So old posts may show up as new. I know that tends to happen when you edit.

So, it is a new year, and my goal is to ascribe to Sara's “Choose Joy” and the prayer quoted at the beginning of the page (tho St. Francis is one to keep in mind, too). If i've still any readers - thank you for showing up! I hope you have had wonderful holidays, and a really blessed 2012.

On Vacation

2011-09-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

A friend asked if i was going to blog while on vacation. The truth is i didn't know.

Thus far most of what we have done has been driving or visiting. And we haven't had great internet service.
But i've taken lots of pictures. (Tho not, i've discovered, as many as i would have liked. We only got 4 of my Montana Mom's place, and i would have taken many more.)

This has been part of my view while lying down. Lying at least 2 hours a day while traveling has made an enormous difference. In fact, at one point i thought maybe i was getting "better" or "well" i was doing so great. Until i spent one day up the whole time. That re-arranged my ideas.

But i have been doing quite well on this trip.

We were worried that we could get in trouble for me lying while traveling, but that worry was unfounded.

First off, i do wear a seat belt. I don't think it would do much for me when lying, but we are sticking to the letter of the law. Second, i don't think a trooper could even see me. I lie much lower in the car than we realized. I can't see much from that position. I think sometimes the truckers driving semis can see me, but often i can't even see them. I only see the top of high cars (SUVs) when we or they pass.

This is the trading post (down the hill) from Custer's Battlefield. I'm surprised they call it that, for some years ago the name was changed for political correctness to The Little Bighorn Battlefield (saying, "Who would name it after the loser?!") But i guess it has been changed back.

Sunset from the same trading post.

This trip so far has been wonderful. I can't begin to tell it all. We camped one night and learned the difference between "water proof" and "water resistant" in our tent. We were pretty damp for the next couple of days.

We visited with some of Duane's childhood friends. We visited with some friends of my parents i'd not seen in years. We had a great visit with my mom and her husband Leo.

And then we got to Bozeman, my childhood home, last night.

This is the place for which i have been so homesick.

I've wonderful memories of the B&B where Duane and i honeymooned. We stayed in that top room of the turret when we were here before, but this time i really wanted a private bathroom!

This place is managed by someone different now, however. She is only in her 40s, but i think she is hard of hearing because i've had to repeat myself frequently. She doesn't seem to understand our humor, either, and responds to us with a blank stare.

When we arrived last night i told her i'd grown up here and she asked if i'd seen various places yet. We came straight here upon arriving, so i have not. She told us how it has been ruined and changed by "Californians with money" coming in and making a mess of things. Her favorite bumper sticker is one that says, "Save Montana. Put a Californian on the bus."

The only thing that surprises me about this is that the bumper sticker doesn't say anything about shooting or even more extreme than putting someone on the bus. I know of that attitude, it was prevalent when i lived here (although this woman didn't move to MT until after i had moved to CA). I had warned Duane of this attitude and think the downside of driving this trip is our CA license plates.

None the less, it wasn't the thing to say to us on arrival and it wasn't a very pleasant evening.

Also our cell phones don't work here and the internet doesn't extend to our room, so we have to be in the common room to use our computers online.

The evening did improve. This is the first that Duane and i have been alone where we could relax. Of course we have been in the car together. We have been listening to audio books part of the time while driving. I've loved visiting with folks, but i'm glad to have this downtime, too.

This is what we woke to this morning. We have had plenty of rain on this trip, but usually it is a quick-moving storm that passes and then there is lovely sunshine again.

This storm looks like it is here to stay for a while. It is raining steadily now.

They say "you can't go home again." In one sense i think that is true. I think it depends upon what you are "looking for" when going home. I can't regain what i had when i was 18 (no one can). But it is a beautiful place to visit and i do love it here.

467

Burn out

2011-08-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

Interesting that Ron, from The Old Geezer blog, just wrote about "burnout." The first thing on the list is that frequency of blogging slows down.

Huh.

I have had plenty on my mind of which to write. I just haven't wanted to write what i've been thinking.

I also have been overwhelmed by my reader list. I have not routinely read the blogs i follow for about a month now.

People blog for different reasons. I write because i love writing, and also because i have a deep desire to connect with people. I've been hit and miss with that in blogging. There are blogs where i try to make that connection, but the writer never seems to respond to me. If it is a blog where i find the content very interesting, i will continue to read anyway. Otherwise, in time i take them off my blog list.

The list of blogs i was regularly reading was very, very long. I think i had something like 120 blogs i was following. I have spent today culling the list. The thing is, i don't want to "lose" any of those. Some of them have very good info on eating gluten free or on gardening or green living. But i found the daily list too overwhelming.

So i went thru the list today. The blogs i read regularly and interact with the writers stayed on my "daily read" list. The blogs of people i care about but don't interact with frequently, or the blogs of folks with babies - and i just can't take that daily - or the blogs of info i want access to read but not to show up daily have all been moved to another Google account. I can access them when i need, but they won't be showing up daily and overwhelming me.

I'm left with a very manageable 56 blogs i follow, but most of these do not post daily. A couple of them post very infrequently but i'm afraid if i move them to the other account i will miss the times they do post, and i don't want that. I would guess there are only about six or seven that do daily posts. Probably about 20 that do two or three posts a week, and the rest are occasional people. If i read your blog (in the past) and comment, or you read mine and comment, you are in this regular reading list.

I'm hoping this will help it to be more manageable for me and that i'll be resuming reading blogs. Except, of course, we are getting ready to leave on a trip on Saturday, so i won't be doing much reading in the 10 days or so after that.

Part of the reason i've not been writing much is that i am frankly struggling with anger and bitterness. I am facing limitations that feel onerous to me, and are much more appropriate to a woman of 90 rather than one of 50. I have to face the fact that we are not going to have children - yes, i know i have been "facing this fact" for a long time, but it too is eating at me. I don't WANT to write in anger or bitterness. And so i have not been writing much at all.

What have i been doing? Well, a lot of knitting. Some crochet and other projects. I have learned to tat (finally). Tatting is not too hard, but there is one important part of it that takes a bit of practice to master. I've still been dieting. Thus far i have dropped 25 pounds (i didn't "lose it" because i certainly do NOT want to "find" it again!). I'd like to drop another 25, but it will take time. Still, i'm pleased that i'm getting into size 12 jeans now, but i would ultimately like to be in size 10 or really i'd like size 8. But i am very, very pleased to be losing as this has been a struggle in the past. But the dieting has been taking a fair amount of my energy, too.

I've also been looking for a doctor. It shouldn't be that hard, but i'm finding it to be.

I also learned more about the disability i'm fighting. I'll write more on it another time, but i've learned there are many, many people (many thousands) injured by the drug Cipro or others in its class. I am one of the lucky ones - i can still walk and drive and breathe on my own. Let me say, if a doctor recommends Cipro or another fluoroquinolone drug to you, DO NOT TAKE IT without doing extensive research. Doctors are not aware of the damage it does and give it for simple things like a cough or urinary tract infection. This class of drugs should be reserved for someone who is dying and has no other choice. The chance of serious harm from it is just too high otherwise. Some of the people harmed have been young, and they are no longer able to walk and sometimes even breathe without a ventilator. (One of my reasons for anger, recently.)

Oh, and of course i've been planning and preparing for our trip. I think i've been doing quite a lot of other things, too, but these things are what have come to mind.

I hope y'all are well, and i will be trying to visit and catch up with blogs this week.

I love you all! Thanks. :)

466

Word of the day

2011-08-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

I've a very busy morning, but i came across this at The Simple Dollar, and want to remember it:

Respect:

Respect does not mean belief that something is perfect. It merely means that you believe that something has value, flaws and all.

I think this a very valuable thing to keep in mind as i come across folks every day. He labels it as the opposite of contempt. I, of course, try to respect each person in my life, but i sometimes struggle with contempt with their ideas at time (making me feel superior, of course). It is the "flaws and all" part that caught me here.

My first client is here. Have a good day, everyone!

465

Projects -

2011-08-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am doing very well with my 12 days of Christmas project. I figured it out, i am covering 21 people, so that comes to 252 small gifts! I am sticking to the same stuff for the kids - a pencil case, pencils/pen, a snowflake ornament, stickers, a flashlight, a tote bag, finger puppets, etc. For the adults i decided to do it a little differently. Three people are already complete (except i'm going to give candy one day and i'll wait until Oct/Nov to buy it).

Most of the tote bags i purchased inexpensively from eBay or other sources. I'm making a few. I still have 5 to make (my July project). My August project is finger puppets, and i have started, but it is going to be a project! I'm mostly doing animals - dogs, cats, birds, etc. I made an alpaca yesterday.

However, i already have almost all of September complete. October is just to buy some inexpensive stickers for the different ones. November is to make a necklace for the girls or a paracord bracelet for the boys. December is candy (for every one but the baby who will be 14 months old then). I'm anxious to have this all done and finished. So i'm working at this faster than the one-gift-a-month. My goal is to have it complete by Thanksgiving. Then i won't have to worry about much at all for Christmas (a couple of folks for whom we are not doing 12 days things). I also need to write up a small history of Christmas to send, so they will know the tradition behind this decision. And, need i say? i don't anticipate doing this again! But i'm having fun and i have decided that i probably want to have most of my Christmas gifts done in the summer in future years.

Here are the finger puppets i've finished so far. I think they're cute.

I also have decided i'd like to learn to tat. I have to admit that i don't see tatting nearly as useful or versatile as either knit or crochet (and i prefer to knit), but it has its own charm. Mostly it is used for lace. I have a tee shirt that i don't care for the way the collar is attached. I thought i could remove it and replace it with a small triangle of tatted lace. I can't say why i want to do this, except that i do!

So i purchased a tatting shuttle, extra bobbins, and tatting thread from eBay. They arrived and i've been playing with it and breaking thread. Tatting thread is quite fine. I am going to need to move to a coarser crochet thread to learn, i think. The whole point is to create knots on the "shuttle thread" that will slide. Somehow i'm creating knots that just knot, and then break when i try to slide them.

Okay, i've managed to make "a ring" now. I think i know the basic tatting knots. But i haven't been able to figure out how to go to the next one, attached. When i've tried before to go to the next ring, i can't get the shuttle hand to slide. I have found someone in Costa Mesa (where we stay in OC each week) who is giving beginning classes at Piecemakers (a quilting and craft shop) on weekends, but of course, i'm not there then. I left a message at her blog asking if she does private teaching.

I'm rather proud of my picots, by the way. They are the little loops and the instructions state that it can take some practice to get them a consistent size.

464

Sifting thru

2011-08-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

life!

I've been busy. We had company a couple of times in July. I LOVE having company, but am not sure how much i will be able to do this in the future. I am running up against my limitations more frequently these days. I won't be able to do events (like the currently running OC fair or the BB Antique Car Show) any more without a wheelchair. I'm not sure how to make changes with company, but i need to. I tried doing a ladies Bible study recently and found that with my other obligations, getting ready to leave for OC the following day, and the timing - i can't do it. It simply takes all my energy.

So, i think i am trying very hard to come to terms with my life such as it is. And it IS a good life. I can still do so much, especially compared to others who are disabled. But it is also hard to run up against limitations of wanting to do something and simply not being able. I'm not talking about climbing mountains, either! Just gardening and visiting with friends.

I was talking with Duane on our drive down Tuesday. I was telling him that i don't think travel is something we will be able to do (other couples who are childless tend to travel quite a bit or have other activities in their lives). While discussing this i was hit with an overwhelming homesickness (i'm homesick for Montana mostly in the summer). It also occurred to me that as i seem to be losing functioning, if we don't do it now, we might never be able to. I could get better, i hope i get better, i want to get better, but there is the possibility i
could get worse.

So, if all things work out well, we are taking a quick trip to Montana late this month and early September. The plan is to actually camp 2-3 of those nights, to spend nights with friends/family 3 nights, and in a motel 2-3 nights. I don't know if we can do this, but i do know i want to try.

I've been on the search for a doctor. Not that i'm really hoping they can do much for me, but i do need this documented. Saw someone here in BB. Duane went with me and at first we both were pleasantly surprised with his answers - until i spoke of CFIDS/ME and disability. Then he let us know - reading between the lines but clear none the less - that he thinks the majority of people on disability are malingering. Oh. Thanks.

So i found another alternative med doc in OC, spent ten hours filling out her paperwork, and have hit a stall because i'm not willing to sign arbitration forms. I think it is largely a moot area, for i can't see myself ever suing anyone (haven't yet in my life). So, why not just sign them? Because it is signing away Constitutional rights and my position is that we have lost too many already and are losing more each day. I'm not willing to blithely sign them away. I am quite willing to sign releases on things individually. I'm happy to sign that i am aware that certain minerals, vitamins, and herbals are not "standard treatment" and that i'm willing to take the risk and other things like this. But not a free for all signing away my rights.

I have also come across numerous websites of fluoroquinoline antibiotic poisoning (Cipro and Levaquin are two of these). I had honestly thought it was the fluoride in the Cipro that did all the damage. It might very well be. But these antibiotics have done tremendous damage to many people. I was aware that they have caused tendon degeneration that people have had difficulty healing from, but there is much, much more. There is a black box warning on them about rupturing tendons and also "worsening of myasthenia gravis symptoms" - muscle weakness. In fact, i have to count myself one of the lucky ones because some of these folks are completely bed-bound, unable even to transfer themselves to a wheelchair without assistance.

(So, i wasn't able to load the pic i wanted, but this is what i use. You can find it at hCG 1234 website.)

On the positive side of this, i lost 15.5 pounds on the hCG diet and maintained the loss thru 3 weeks of "maintenance" and another week of "normal eating." I also discovered that sugar can trigger a migraine for me. And that gluten was probably doing more damage than i was willing to admit. So even "normal diet" will not be including sugar (much) or gluten, or probably grains much at all, except as the rare occasional treat. This is the diet i had been striving for, but was having such a hard time achieving.

I began round 2 this past Monday, the actual diet began on Wednesday. I have lost 3 pounds so far.

Duane did the first round with me and lost 20 pounds. I'm on my own this time as he has no more to lose. His mother is doing this, too, but she isn't following the diet very carefully and is not losing as fast. Still, in 3 weeks she lost 9 pounds and 7 inches (as measured by Curves). The lady at Curves was very excited, thinking she had done it by exercise alone.

So, i am very pleased to be losing weight for the first time in 10 years. I plan to do one more round after this one to get down to the weight i want to be. :) A nice benefit of the hCG drops is that i sleep better while taking them, too.

I've much more to say, of course. I always do! About my projects and other things, but this is already long and i'll save it for the next post.

463

Please forgive me . . .

2011-07-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

For this short post and that i've not been replying to your lovely and kind comments. I have meant to.

This has been such a busy week, and i've company coming tomorrow afternoon thru Sunday about noon. I've extra company (that i'd not planned to have) coming for just the day Saturday, but they've not seen our house yet, so i need to get caught up on so many things!

I'm days behind in blog reading, and will be farther behind yet. Sigh. But i generally do catch up eventually.

Hope you all are well and please know i appreciate so much everyone who takes the time to comment.

BTW, our lows this week have been in the 30s (F). Monday night/Tuesday AM the low was 32! In the middle of July! Such a surprise. Oh, and i've maintained my weight loss for 2 weeks now. The doctor's scale weighed me only 1/4 pound higher than i was 2 weeks ago, so i'm content with that.

462

Christmas in July

2011-07-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Well, this is month 7 of my 12 days/12 months of Christmas project. I wish i could say i'm caught up. I was ahead of the game for a while, but now many of my projects are time-intensive. Now that i have the snowflakes completed, i am caught up to the end of May. June projects are tote bags, and i've only a couple of those done. (But they are cute!)

I looked again at my schedule, and i am more caught up than i thought. Just the July stuff to do, and i have a few of the things done into August, so it is not as bad as i had thought, originally!

I also did a little knitted purse for my niece's daughter. It turned out well.

Part of the problem is that i am now on to the sewing projects, and i just don't enjoy those the way i do the knitting. The sewing is not as portable (up and down the hill) either.

Oh, can you tell that i'm rather proud of my crocheted snowflakes, too?

I had fun with them. I didn't follow a pattern (i'm horrible at following patterns). I did look at the pics of some other snowflakes, but then made it up as i went along.

So, is Christmas on your radar yet, or is it something that will be happening later (around Thanksgiving ?) for you?

Today is my dear sister Elsa's birthday. Happy birthday, little sister. I love you!

461

Half way thru the "maintenance" phase of our diet

2011-07-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

Duane and i completed 24 days of hCG and each lost about 15 pounds. We are more than a week into the 3 week "maintenance" part of this diet. Duane is greatly looking forward to eating chips and pizza and bread again. Since he loses so easily, i've encouraged him to eat now, if he wants. But he is stubborn and when he sets his mind to something, he sticks to it.

We both have maintained our loss so far. I do see the scale vary a couple of pounds, and i think my most common weight now is about half a pound higher than my lowest weight. But i'm quite happy. I could start another round the very end of July, and part of me wants to. BUT this is summer with lots of good things available (peaches and raspberries!) and so i think i'll wait until mid-August before beginning again.

I don't think i'll do more than 21 days on the hCG drops, unless this next cycle is different than this one. I did find myself hungry most of the time. I think it is because i eat mostly vegetarian. On the days i had fish i think i was a bit less hungry. When we reached day 21, i honestly could not imagine going another 19 days. (The longest recommended is 40 days, and then you skip the drops every 7th day so your body doesn't become immune to the hCG.) But if i find that i'm not hungry next cycle, maybe i will go longer.

I STILL am having sugar cravings. I don't give into them and eat what i am not suppose to (like a candy bar), but i still am craving apple pie, and cherry pie, and brownies, and Almond Joy, and the list goes on and on. I can't help but wonder if i would lose that craving if i allowed myself no sweetener at all. I've been using stevia in my tea and making lemonade with it, and using it in yogurt and other things. Stevia is a natural, no-calorie sweetener. I don't have issues with it the way i do with Splenda or aspartame. It is very sweet, and i wonder if just the taste of it is enough to kick in my cravings. I hate the thought of giving up everything that is sweet! I did try making a homemade ice cream sweetened with stevia and xylitol. I was disappointed in the results.

However, all that said, i am doing well. We have not eaten out at all since we began this 4+ weeks ago. This from people who were eating out at least 3 times a week. I do have a kind of meal plan down better than i did before, but a very simple one that fits us. In that respect, i've not really missed the "before" meals, which kind of surprises me. Also, i noticed today that i can't remember when i last had a headache. I think i was getting minor levels of poisoning when we were eating out. I had been getting a number of small migraines. I was in some pain the first week or so on the diet - and missing my cherry juice. Tart cherries have been shown to be as effective as ibuprofen for inflammation and pain. I tend to drink about 8 oz of tart cherry juice a day to deal with chronic pain. But this is a no sugar diet for its entirety (even during maintenance) and so i've not had any fruit drink.

I'm very pleased with the results. I'm anxious to begin again, but as i said, probably not until the middle of August. If i do 2 more cycles and i continue to lose at the rate i did this time, i should reach my goal and be thru with the 3 week "maintenance" a week or so after Halloween. In time for Thanksgiving! :) Not that that matters much. I don't usually eat much at Thanksgiving and i don't over-indulge.

Now, passing up candy at Christmas - that will be another matter! :)

So, what is your downfall? Mine is sugar/chocolate/sweets, but i know lots of folks who like chips or soda or whatever. What do you have trouble letting go of?

460

A July post

2011-07-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

I've had so many blog posts in my mind . . . and that is just where they stay. I've been very undisciplined about writing (and many other things, too).

Part of my problem with being undisciplined in general (not about writing) is that it is hard for me to know what my boundaries (with energy) are. Many times i don't know that until i've breached them, and then it is too late.

Not long ago i had a busy morning, and then sat on the couch, watching TV and knitting, but looking out the front door (which is an enormous sliding glass door) at all the things that needed to be done in my garden, but knowing i didn't have the energy to do them. Sigh.

I'm reading how folks are harvesting produce now. One blog said she is "at the end" of her peas. Wow. I've some cherry tomatoes that might be ready to pick in a week or two and the onions seem to be growing well, but other than that, i don't know that i'll have much of anything. Well, the mint is growing well, too, but that doesn't take much. I've not found a single apple on our tree that survived. Early on it looked like a few were growing, but i guess they didn't make it.

My grape vine is leafed out and looking impressive. But i have come to realize that naturally we will never have grapes. It looked dead until the end of May when i could see a few buds, and was fully leafed by mid to late June, but at that rate, grapes will never have a chance to develop. I think we will have to make a small "hot house" - a miniature greenhouse - to go over it. I think if we do that and put it over the grapes in March and keep it on until past the chance of frost, and then put it on again in September, we might someday grow grapes.

I've planted strawberries that are doing well, and some raspberries, too. We won't have any berries this year, but i'm hopeful for next. Raspberries and peaches are my favorite fruits.

These pics are reposts from a couple of years ago. We didn't take any this year. But the light show was absolutely amazing. The best i remember seeing.

So, that's us. How are you?

459

Still on the face of the earth

2011-06-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Do you ever follow blogs that then just disappear or the person stops posting? I've had that happen a couple of times and can't help but wonder what happened to them.

I couldn't say why i've not been posting. I guess my mind has been on other things and i've been trying to prioritize how i use my energy. Not that blog writing takes a lot of energy.

I have been on the hCG diet for 12 days now, and have been blogging my progress at Hawkes' Health: Katee and hCG and weight loss. I think there are a couple of pages there before i actually begin the diet. Three others at that site are doing this diet, too. Islander, Reesacat, and Mellowsong are all doing it (Islander is finished her first cycle with a 24 pound weight loss). Their experiences are listed in the blog spot at the bottom of the Hawkes' Health page.

The hCG product i purchased is here: 1234 hCG. Duane is doing this with me tho he is not overweight. He had gotten some abdominal fat, however, which is related to a host of chronic diseases, and he is doing it mostly to support me. I discovered he has never in his life been on a diet before. That blows my mind! Forty-three years of never having to once restrain yourself or use will power over eating. He asked me about my "first diet" and it was honestly so long ago (i was probably 15, and did not need to diet) that i don't really remember. But in those days i think it was about feeling i had something under my control in my life. Entirely different point of view.

We have not found it to be the "no hunger" thing that is highly touted. However, we only had one day that was really difficult; it got easier after that. And, in 12 days (10 on the low calorie diet) i have lost 10 pounds. I am happy, tho to be honest i'm not really seeing it yet. But then, i have a minimum of 30 to lose, and would like to lose 45-50 total. (It won't all be done this cycle. I'll probably end up doing 2 cycles to lose, maybe 3.)

One thing this diet is suppose to do is to re-set your metabolism, endocrine hormones, and the like. I'm still having some sugar cravings, and some days are harder than others. Also, i think part of the reason Duane and i were having some hunger issues (as opposed to other friends who have done this and began from a really good food place) is we probably were "detoxing" the chemicals from ordinary diet. I like to think i was eating better than most Americans, but i had been eating things i definitely know i should not have been.

I don't know that i feel i have much more energy, but i think i am better. I don't know if this is re-setting all the things i mentioned above, but i am sleeping better and feeling more rested than i have in years. :)

"Our kids" are out of school for 6 weeks (they do "year round" school here). We are planning to take Sierra down the hill with us this week. I'll take some hours off work and do some things with her. My ILs have a pool for her to enjoy, too. We plan to take each of the boys in turn, too.

The squirrels seem to have died off. That won't bother some folks up here who hate squirrels (they can do a lot of damage).

We heard last year that west of here, in Crestline and Arrowhead, the squirrels were dying. I guess whatever the disease is, it made its way here. We still had some in the spring, but it has been several weeks since i've seen a squirrel around here. I miss them.

I've been doing a little gardening. Of what i have, the onions seem to be doing the best. But i'm having little triumphs here and there.

So, that is a brief view of what has been going on here. How are things in your neck of the woods?

458

Bits and pieces

2011-05-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day! :)

Today is my parents' 52nd wedding anniversary.

We made it thru the weekend without too much snow. Friday and Saturday were beautiful. Yesterday was cold with a wind that took my breath away and we did get a little snow but it didn't stick. Last night the temp fell to just below 20F, but checking the apple tree today, it doesn't seem to have effected it too much. It looks as though we will be having a good chance of a few apples this year.

Memorial Day weekend is a huge weekend for yard/garage/rummage sales here. Duane and i went out both Friday and Saturday mornings for a couple of hours, but i over-did it and have had to do a lot of resting since.

It is hard to want to do so many things and see so many things that need to be done in our house, yard, and garden, and know that i MUST rest or i will get very ill.

I came across this blog post today: How to make a budget even if you hate making budgets. We have been working on trying much more diligently to save.    I am doing much better managing money since i began reading The Simple Dollar a couple of years ago. However, i have struggled with keeping track of expenses, etc. I get started at keeping track, but then get bogged down.

The "how to make a budget . . . " post really inspired me to give it a try. Duane has been telling me for some time that we spend what we bring in. We are not going into debt, but we are not saving. I denied it. And especially for the past 6 weeks or so i have been working very hard at saving - putting money into our savings account. It is, in fact quite amazing how much i've been able to transfer to savings in such a short time.

Duane and i also decided to give ourselves an allowance.

Since i love to craft, i tend to spend money on it. I now have a set amount to spend. If i save it, well, all the better, but when i run out, well, i am done. He has the same amount to use on his own projects as well. May was our first month of doing this, and i did pretty well until the end of the month. I am starting June with only half my amount because i spent half of June already. Sigh. But it is a start. :)

Anyway, i spent most of this afternoon making notes on our income and expenses. I went back 6 months to 1 December to do this. The result on paper is pretty much what Duane said: We are spending just about what we are bringing in. However, i don't think those numbers tell the whole story.

I've noticed that we are spending much more on gas since we drive That Jeep so much! I also noticed that my expenses in crafting are in line with what i am now given in my "allowance," however, i know i spent quite a bit more than that in cash. :(

So i know that my numbers and accounting is not "clean." The result is i think i'll be more inclined to keep accurate records now. I know we spend a lot of money on food, but those numbers are inflated as i often get cash for other things when i check out at the grocery. In fact, a number of things rather cross over. I know i pay for many things with cash. Some things have gotten put in with the grocery or miscellaneous numbers because i cannot tease them out with simply the info online from the bank. I am sure that the savings is hidden in these numbers, but i cannot prove it.

Anyway, those numbers certainly give me the motivation to keep better records.

So, that was our weekend. How was yours? Did you do anything exciting with your long weekend? Do you have friends or family members you remember on this day formerly known as "Decoration Day"? My family in the Southeast still decorates the gravestones of family members on this day.

457

Updates, It is Today

2011-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

:)

My "followers" are not showing up at the top of the page. Did everyone leave?

I've been sick. I thought i was improving and then got much, much worse on Wednesday. I think i'm on the upswing now.

I saw the new doc for a follow up today. It was like seeing an entirely different person. I don't know, but i'm guessing that the first time i saw her she wasn't talking to me so much as she was trying to impress the medical student who was sitting in. I'm rather discouraged.

She had originally told me that to do the hCG diet i would start with a nutritionist and be measured and plan the diet, etc. And then have follow ups with both the doc and the nutritionist. I was looking forward to this because as someone who eats mostly vegetarian, i was hoping for help making the diet decisions.

Today she said, "You can do it yourself. Order the homeopathic hCG drops (before she had told me that only prescription were worth bothering to use) and get this book and do it."

I said, "Well, i was hoping for more support than that so i wouldn't be entirely on my own."

Her response, "Support? What support? I leave the office at 5 pm. I won't be answering calls on the weekends. What kind of support do you think you would have? You ARE on your own."

Well, if she had told me that when i saw her on 9 April or whatever the date was, i would not have wasted a month and more. I could have begun long ago!

Sigh. She is right, in more ways than she can comprehend, i am on my own. I will try her supplements, and i'll re-run blood work in August as she wants and see her for follow-up in September. I might even do some IV vitamins (tho that is questionable; i'm not sure her staff could run an IV line for me). But i will not expect support, or even basic knowledge from her. If i get an infection i will treat it myself, as i have been doing. If i have questions, i'll research them myself, as i have been doing. I'm not sure (after her answer on this and some other serious matters) that i would trust her answers or recommendations anyway.

The big question: Why even continue? Well, it is like this: I have been skipping around to doctors for the past 3+ years. NONE of them seem to know what they are doing and they keep making recommendations i can't live with. So i HAVE been "doing it on my own." The down side of that is i am on disability. I need my limitations and problems documented by a "medical health professional."   I've been with John all along, and he has been documenting this all along, and next review i will be relying on his reports/documentation. However, he is a PhD not a MD, and so i'm not sure how much weight his report can carry. I need a MD. I'm going to try and stick with this MD, but i must admit that after my first visit with her, this second one was a slap in the face.

Today is the 5th anniversary of Kaylee's due date. If we had carried to term, we would have a child who would be celebrating her 5th birthday sometime toward the end of May or early June.

In recent months, it has seemed like i have "imaginary children." I did have imaginary children when i was a teen, and this feels rather similar. The difference of course was when i was a teen i had hope of eventually having flesh and blood children. I'm past that hope. A friend called last week to let me know of an adoptable child, but all that does is shred my heart anew as i know we cannot, cannot, cannot take a child with my functioning at its current state. I feel absolutely crushed and broken knowing there is a child who needs a home, that someone hopes i could take him, and i cannot. I do not have the functioning to do basic work in our home; without nearly full-time help taking a child is an impossibility. We cannot afford that kind of help.

I read a book recently called Heaven is For Real. I can't begin to tell you about this book. It was good. And i cried for the loss of our child.

I think, had we carried her to term, we would not have named her Kaylee. These days i lean toward Mary. I don't know what would have been. Sometimes i wonder what i was even thinking about using Kaylee.

I knew, of course, that it was because of a character on the TV show Firefly (later they made a movie with the same characters, Serenity). But i had not watched the show in a long time and had rather forgotten my feelings (except remembering i liked the show).

Recently we were watching some of those old shows again, and i knew right away why i wanted our daughter to be Kaylee. On the show, Kaylee was the sweetest young lady i've ever seen. (Think a modern version of Melanie Wilkes.) She wasn't naive, but she was innocent in her way of dealing with people and always saw the good in folks and life was a constant joyous wonder to her and she was simply sweet. That is what i wanted for our daughter and that is why i loved the name Kaylee, even if i forgot that later.

So, it is Today. Tomorrow will be tomorrow. And i take one day at a time. Today is a rather discouraging day, but tomorrow is another day.

456

Drivel and debris

2011-05-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

I think part of the reason that i've had more trouble writing recently is not that i don't have anything to say, but what i have to say seems to be so inconsequential and insignificant. Still, i have always written since i was a teen, and i need to write, even if it feels rather empty to me.

One of the nice things about being sick is that i actually saw a 5 pound weight loss. I didn't manage that last fall with 5 weeks of doctor-approved dieting. It is short lived, however. I think i've already seen a couple of those pounds return.

One of the not so nice things about this illness it is that while i had a food reaction, it may have activated some infection that i thought was not contagious but may have been. Duane has been sick for a couple of days now. He thinks it is different because he doesn't have the headache - but THAT may have been related to food where as all the rest was a quick-onset infection that i did pass on. I hope not, i may have passed it on to others, too, and i hate to think anyone is ill because of me.

It is interesting the way that blogs are not only part of "the web" but create a web of their own.

Mali of No Kidding in NZ wrote a post on privacy and about people asking if a child was born by IVF. That had been pinged off of the post of someone else, who had pinged from Mali to begin with. An interwoven web. The other post, Random Thoughts on No Kidding: Totally stolen from folks i have no right to steal from by Bridgett, touched on a number of different thoughts. One of the themes in both of these (my interpretation) is on curiosity and gossip and privacy.

But what struck me in the post by Bridgett was a comment about folks who already have children and the questions they get asked: Are you going to have another? Do you want a boy or a girl? Possibly even more intimate or critical questions.

One of the things that those of us in "childless/infertility" circles deal with is about questions and criticisms. How to deal with these? When someone says, "Why don't you just adopt?" there seems to be an unstated criticism behind it. Most people hear the word "just" as "simply" and the implication is that it just isn't that hard to do. (Misconception!) "Have you considered adoption?" seems to imply that we have not really considered all the options or given it enough thought. And a couple of bloggers, Pamela of Silent Sorority and Lisa of Life Without Baby, have done some public work. Both have written books and been vocal about infertility and childless/childfree lives.

Pamela has had articles or interviews published in some fairly well known venues. The vitriol in the comments, caustic, hateful, hostile comments, is just staggering to me. Pamela doesn't give a full history of why they made the decisions (not to adopt) they did, but simply says, "It doesn't work for us." And there are people who flay her open for that simple statement.

But there is so much more behind that simple statement than anyone could begin to understand. Duane and i have spent hours and hours looking at options, how they would effect us, if we could afford them, if we were able to parent an older child (having no experience and "older" almost always equals some emotional or other challenges), if we would be able to change our current lifestyle to take older children, if my health would allow me to function, if an agency would even consider us now that we are much older. There are so many, many, many parts to the equation. How do i begin to explain this to a well-meaning person who says, "Why not adopt?" or "Have you considered . . . ?" "It doesn't work for us" is, of course, the most direct and simple way to explain it. But people want more. "Why - ?" And they seem to want to criticize the reasons, too.

So, how do i distill those hours and hours of heartbreaking discussion into a simple explanation of our choices? It isn't that i'm unwilling for the person (people i know to honestly care and aren't simply being nosy and questioning us and our choices) to know, and part of me thinks that it is good to explain and help someone else know of the complexity, but frankly, i usually just don't want to take that long and go into so much detail of something that has already seemed to last for years for me.

How do i explain that we have come to the decision that makes the most sense for us and for our reality, but i still ache that this has to be the reality in which i live?

However, the web of which i mentioned earlier, made me aware that we live in a culture, shoot, maybe even just being human causes it, where folks can be critical about almost anything. Yes, the childless (for me it will never be "childfree") folks come under fire for making poor choices or not adopting or being selfish. But parents come under some harsh criticisms, too. Have one child? Well, that's not good. "Why do you only want one? Don't you know that you're going to raise a selfish child who doesn't know how to get along with the world? Don't you know that your child will never have true family connections?" Have more than two children, especially larger numbers? "Why would you do that? Don't you know that you are causing over-population on the earth? You are being very selfish and over using rapidly decreasing resources!" All kinds of things can be criticized or questioned: The number of years between children, whether or not you're going to have another and whether that is a good choice for your family, your world, etc. Child rearing is often criticized, too. Whether or not you choose to spank or use another form of discipline. The behavior of your kids.

In short, i think we live in a world that likes to question, disparage, and condemn others for a multitude of reasons. Bridgette's post made me remember that it isn't just folks without children who raise the ire and abuse of others.

In my case, i just happen to be super-sensitive about the issues around our own choices. I was a bit offended a few weeks ago when a cousin of Duane's said, "I sometimes think you were right in choosing not to have kids. There are times i question our choice to have them!"

I didn't respond, but i was a bit offended by the idea that we chose not to have children. Sometimes i think that people confuse choosing not to have children and not wanting children. In our minds it was not a choice, simply that we are not able to have them naturally and it is not possible for us to utilize other methods (IVF, adoption) due to my medical issues. So it doesn't feel like a choice to me, but of course, it is. I know that the other avenues won't work for us, so therefore i have chosen not to take those paths.

I feel like this is a long and pointless analysis that is losing focus. So, let me end with this:

Lisa, of Life Without Baby, recently was part of an "Expressing Motherhood" performance. She (and indeed, the childless community) were excited to be included in this opportunity. She did a fantastic job.

Here is the clip of her performance: Expressing Motherhood It is just under 10 minutes long and is very well done. If you know of anyone in your life who does not have children but wanted them, please take the time to watch.

Hope you're having a good weekend. :)

455

This has been edited a number of times trying to get it to look right - and it is very long. I'm done. If it doesn't look good, something is wrong with Blogger!

Spring?

2011-05-13T14:45:00.001-07:00

Sunday night it rained and Monday morning we woke to a hard frost. I was worried about our apple blossoms, but they seemed fine when i checked later in the day. Monday afternoon it snowed off and on, but didn't stick. Tuesday morning we woke to about 3/4 of an inch of snow. I worried about the apple blossoms, but there was nothing i could do.

(Pic is from two years ago, haven't gotten any this year, yet.)

When we got home yesterday, i went to check on them. They seem fine. And just as excitingly, i saw a couple of bees working them. Nothing will happen without the bees to pollinate them.

We still could lose them. I read somewhere recently that BB gets an average of 2 inches of snow in May. But i hope this is past. My outdoor onions are doing quite well.

Duane left this morning about 3.30 to go out with Search and Rescue. He has a test tomorrow for fitness or something. And again on Sunday SAR is off doing something. Monday evening he has his regular meeting. And Tuesday afternoon/evening is a SAR fundraiser at the pizza place in The Village.

So he's going to be off busy. Don't think that i'm complaining! I doubt i'm going to feel up to doing much and so i'm glad that he'll be occupied. :)

454

Toxic, but i still found it interesting

2011-05-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was poisoned again this week. I'm getting to the point where i have about ZERO tolerance for sulfites, it seems.

We took Duane's parents to Souplantation for dinner (Mothers' Day celebration) Tuesday night. I was very careful in my choices of foods: no pre-mixed salads, no salad dressing, strictly raw veggies from the salad bar. The only exception to this was i did take some raisins, some pickled beets, and a couple of sweet pickles.

About 20 to 30 minutes into the meal, i developed a raging headache.

Now, i know that all non-organic dried fruits are high in sulfites. Just two weeks ago i picked out all the dried cranberries in a salad someone made. But i've had raisins before! I've had raisins at Souplantation before! So they were not on my “radar” as something to be careful of. Turns out that pickled anything also tends to be high on sulfites. I respond fine to either Bragg's Organic Apple Cider Vinegar or to organic pickle relish, so this also was not on my radar. Since doing more research, i've also found that i've probably given myself small doses of sulfites (thus a mild headache afterward) in thinking that hash browns at restaurants are safe.

Regardless, i was one sick puppy for a while. This time i had new symptoms. I first noticed a very, very raw sore throat. Then my sinuses began to fill. I had asked about sulfur reactions recently at Hawkes' Health so i knew that Vitamin B12 and something called molybdenum were both useful in helping the body process sulfites. I had B12 on hand, and know it is water soluble so that it is safe to take a large dose of it (as long as it is not cyanocobalamin, which is actually related to cyanide and can be toxic, what i have is the safer methylcobalamin). I think that is why the headache didn't get any worse than it did. But i'd never heard of molybdenum before. In researching it, i found that it is an element, a metal.

This is what Wikipedia says about it in the body: The human body contains about 0.07 mg of molybdenum per kilogram of weight. It occurs in higher concentrations in the liver and kidneys and in lower concentrations in the vertebrae. Molybdenum is also present within human tooth enamel and may help prevent its decay. Pork, lamb and beef liver each have approximately 1.5 parts per million of molybdenum. Other significant dietary sources include green beans, eggs, sunflower seeds, wheat flour, lentils, cucumbers and cereal grain.

But, of course, if some of these things are grown in insufficient soil, they may not have the amounts a body needs of this element.

Wednesday i was still fairly sick. I stayed home for the morning, but went in for the afternoon. I had the doctor give me an adjustment, and he recommended something called Lactase (by Standard Process) which he said would help my body to clear nasty stuff. I did half an hour of work. I didn't feel safe driving, tho, and dear friend Cindy gave me a ride to my Ils.

I had several cups of “throat coat” tea by Traditional Medicinals, with Manuka honey and lemon. That helped the sore throat, but my sinuses were still clogged, i began a cough (my lungs being my weak point) and i ached all over as if i had the flu. Every joint ached, and i literally felt poisoned. I still don't know if this was all caused by a reaction to the sulfites or if an opportunistic infection set in as well. I had Duane get me some Benadryl.

Thursday i was better, tho my sinuses were still raging. I slept nearly to 8 AM which is unusual for me, and Duane drove me to work to get my car. I went to the health food store to stock up on more B12 and to get molybdenum. (And to eat, i'd not eaten since this happened. I trust what the restaurant at the health food store serves.)

The girls at the health food store didn't recognize molybdenum either, but they found a chelated form on the shelves. Because it is only needed by the body in trace amounts, it would be easy to overdose with this. The dosage on the package was 1 tablet. I chose to take two, and will probably take one a day for 3 or 4 days, and after that take it twice a week.

I spoke to dear friend Dawn while trying to figure all of this out. She recommended (and i think i need to do so) to carry Benadryl and some hydrocortosone cream all the time. I think i will also add some B12 and molybdenum and lactase to this emergency pack.

In doing more research on the sulfite issue i learned that a number of medicines are sulfur-based as well. If this moves to the next step and i have a serious allergic reaction (anaphalictic shock), it will be a problem not just for the seriousness, but also because the Epipen contains sulfites as a preservative. And, from what i've seen thru online research, this might not be taken seriously by ER staff. I already have a problem with them when i present a list of meds i can't take. Most sulfite info i've found indicates that it is not wide-spread (and possibly not well accepted) as an allergy. Also i've read in several places that a sulfite allergy does not indicate a problem with other sulfur compounds. I saw this stated over and over that sulfite sensitivity does not translate to sulfur sensitivity and vice versa. So it could be over looked, and i've definitely shown that i'm sensitive, possibly allergic, to all kinds of sulfur compounds.

In fact, i would hazard a bet that the stuff that was given me in an ER visit last fall was sulfur based. It seems to have been since that time that all these things have cropped up. I can't take sulfa drugs (antibiotics), and i'm reacting to even mild sulfates in shampoos. (The most common sulfate, sodium laurel sulfate, used in shampoo as a detergent and to create foaming, is very harsh. I've not used it for many years, but i'm finding that even milder sulfates like Olefin sulfonate and sodium coco sulfate – a less harsh version of sodium laurel sulfate, still cause problems.)

So, i now fall into definite “multiple chemical sensitivity” status – something i did NOT want! As most doctors seem to be entirely clueless about fluoride-based meds, possibly about sulfur-based meds, too, and unaware of alternative treatments (even the new alternative med doc only told me Benadryl when i called the office, but i've found so much more info), and clueless about safe foods, i want to be sure i don't get sick enough to require hospitalization.

Anyway, i'm improving. I still have sinus issues. That has moved into a cough, so i'm taking the Manuka honey regularly. I still feel very weak as though i had just finished fighting the flu. But i'd already planned to be home next week, so for once my timing is good. (Duane and i often laugh at how our “timing sucks.”) And there may be some good come out of this. At times i've thought that Duane's family thinks i'm a bit crazy. Now that Duane's mama and dad have seen first hand how sick i get if i eat food that contains chemicals, maybe it will be easier for us all. I'm hoping that they can accept a bit better when i say, “No, thank you. I can't have that.”

453

What do you think?

2011-05-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

Summer sheets! Joy. :) Duane didn't complain.

We're going to pick up our rent-a-kids later today. We've not had them for a while, so i'm looking forward to it. It sounds like life may be settling for them (parents coming out of crisis) but it is too soon to be sure.

I've followed The Simple Dollar blog for some time now. I like his approach, and some of his suggestions have really clicked for me and i'm making changes because of them.

Somewhere there someone had asked about "Extreme Couponing" and so i looked it up. It is a new program (but not a new concept) on cable TV. I recorded and watched a few of them.

The idea is that you can get a huge amount of stuff if you are conscious of your use of coupons. Some of the people on these shows did amazing things with store sales, coupons, double coupons, and store cards. Several purchased over $1,000 worth of items for $50 or less.

I won't be recording any more of these programs. They deeply disturb me on several different levels.

(My comments do not apply to 100% of the folks, but a majority of what i've viewed.)

First off, they seem to have hoarding issues. And control issues. Several of the different people (mostly women in the programs i watched) talk about needing to be "100% in control." Their "stock piles" often include huge numbers of things; some of the food items will not be consumed before going bad. One couple had enough toilet paper to last them 40 years, according to the commentator. (Some of these folks do donate items to food banks or to be sent in care packages for the military.)

I think there are reasons for control/hoarding. Several of the families profiled in these shows went thru life-changing experiences, mostly job loss, where just being able to eat was a challenge. And once you've been in a situation in which you feel helpless, you want to do whatever you can to feel in control of your life. So i get that.

Some of these folks seemed to think that if it was free that you should get as many of the item as possible - never mind if you could use them or not. If you can't use them, i could see donating them to a shelter or something, but many of these people just added the useless items to their stockpile. That is hoarding behavior. It is not healthy.

Secondly, this seems to consume their lives. Two of the women profiled have stated that they spend 50-60 hours a week focused on their couponing. One lady said that she will cancel appointments, lunch dates, time with her husband in order to do her couponing/shopping. Another said that she really doesn't have time for friends anymore, so sometimes she takes them with her on her shopping trips. I think this is seriously disrupted their lives.

Third, what i observed was frankly addiction. The people talk about the stress and the adrenaline rush when they go thru the check out stand. I understand the joy of feeling you've done a terrific job at something and what a rush it could be to see $1,000 worth of stuff come down to $43.59, but i see this as an addiction none the less.

Another major issue for me is that almost none of these products are things that i consider healthy (or at the very least, very poor choices for our environment). People were purchasing huge quantities of soda or vitamin water or Gatorade. One lady bought over 100 boxes of "night time cold medicine" and was paid $51 for her efforts. She used that money to buy other items she couldn't get for free. What do you do with over 100 boxes of a cold medicine?

Many (not all) of the people profiled were quite over weight. That makes sense to me when all the things you can get for free or cheap are processed stuff with little to no nutrition. I just can't consider the "food" that is gotten with these coupons to be anything worth having, even if you do get it free. And i just can't understand being proud that you have 4,438 boxes of toothpaste (never mind that i think fluoride is one of the worst poisons out there). I wouldn't touch most of these products. I do not buy anti-bacterial soap (i think it is bad for us and the environment) or deodorant (bad for us) or laundry detergent (bad for the environment, i use natural stuff) or most commercial shampoo (bad stuff, i'm allergic) or commercially produced hand lotions (the stuff i make is much better, cheaper, healthier) or household cleaners (ditto on all the above).

I will say that watching this program made me realize that i should be more careful with our money. I think there are items i purchase (toilet paper, contact solution and cleaner, razors, a few other items) i could be more careful about and maybe use coupons. There are a couple of items i buy/stock up on when i see them on sale, but i'm never going to fill a room with toilet paper or toothpaste.

I don't know. I understand the concept of something for nothing being a thrill, but for me it is not a thrill if it is not something i can use.

Have you seen the programs or articles on extreme couponing? What do you think?

452

Life on the mountain

2011-05-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

Life feels a bit too mundane to say much right now. Of course, that has never stopped me from talking before. ;)

The cats have been silly. We enjoy watching them. I've been knitting quite a lot. I need to be moving on to sewing projects, soon.

The heat down the hill is bothering me more than i remember from other years. I'm always thankful to get home to cooler temps on Thursdays. The mint i planted last week hasn't done well with our lows in the 20s, but i'm hoping it will hang on and come back around. If not, i'll replant later. The inside plants are doing fair, some well, others not so much. But still, it is a better start than i've made before. The onions outside are growing well. There is still some snow on the mountains, but it is melting off. The last day of skiing was the day before Easter, 2 weeks ago.

We are now driving the "summer car" - the Honda Fit. It gets better gas mileage than Duane's Subaru. I think if we are driving the summer car, we should have summer sheets on, too. Duane thinks summer sheets are only for about 8 weeks, from mid-June thru mid-August, and then only under protest.

Mac needs to be shaved of lumps - Jazz, too, actually. I think it is finally warm enough. Today, sitting in the living room was the first time this year i've not gotten chilled.

I'm very tired. Olivia was here today. We tried to do chicken pot pies, they turned out okay. I think the filling was fine, but the gluten-free recipe i used for the pie crust was so-so. The blog where i found the recipe raved about it, and i have to say it stuck together better than what i've done before. BUT it called for a full cup of white rice flour. By experience i know that this tends to make the whatever very gritty. I cut that by half and made the other half cup quinoa, but even so it was still too grainy and next time it gets only a tablespoon or so of the stuff. I'll find a better flour instead.

I've been re-reading the Harry Potter books and then watching the respective movie afterward. Not sure that is the best plan. Even tho the movies are well done, i get bored with them. The first two did a pretty good job of sticking to the story line and dialogue without cutting too much. After that the books are too large and complicated and i noticed a number of changes.

I tend to develop allergies to products easily. Even my expensive shampoos from the health food store are bothering me. I've been looking into alternatives (using baking soda, using egg, vinegar, or Dr. Bronners, etc.) So far i've not had much luck.

Lots of "re-used" pics here as i've not much room left at Picsaweb.

That's the every day, low down, nitty gritty here. So, how are things in your part of the world?

451

Last day of April

2011-04-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

This month seemed to go by so fast! I've kind of been taking a break from blogging, tho not by design, and i've slowed down on blog reading, too, tho i eventually get to them all.

Again, i can't really say what has been going on with "our family" that we are helping. It has been occupying quite a bit of my thought recently. The parents are currently separated, but i don't hear from either of them that they want to divorce.

I've been doing a lot of knitting, and Olivia is coming over later today and we will make cards. The yarn shop here has lots of wonderful yarns, but she also rents space to other vendors and today a scrapbooking lady is opening up, so we'll stop by to see what she has.

The Royal Wedding of course is what many folks are talking about, or American Idol. Neither draws my attention too much. I did, of course, check out Kate's dress. I have to say, i like it much better than i did Diana's. That one was over the top for me. Since then i have also been looking at dresses that i admire.

This has been national infertility awareness week. Not that i think much has been done about it, or at least it hasn't come across my radar too much. I just found a series of posts done on this issue. I've not read them all (and given my current slow-to-read-blogs status, it maybe a while before i get thru them), but this one is definitely worth a read: 10 Ways not to be Insensitive About Infertility. I'm going to highlight a couple (of things not to say).

1. “Well, it could be worse.”

2. “Enjoy life without kids while you still can.”

4. “As soon as you stop trying, it’s going to happen.”

6. "Maybe this is just God’s way of telling you that you’re not supposed to be parents.”

7. “Be glad you’re not pregnant – this kid in my belly is killing me!”

8. “You can’t conceive on your own? Well then just adopt.”

9. “Well, if you need a sperm donor, I’ve got some healthy swimmers.”

I've had all these things said to me in one form or another. I've not had offers for sperm donors, but i have had a couple of women tell me that they "get pregnant so easily" that they could be a surrogate for me. I don't think they begin to have a clue all that is involved with that.

It isn't real easy to hear someone say that maybe God just knew i couldn't handle being a parent. (Oh yeah? How about the millions of folks who abuse their kids? They can handle them better than i so God gave them kids?) It also isn't very easy to hear someone say, "If you're not a parent, that's your fault. There are PLENTY of kids who need a home." These folks don't understand what is involved in adoption and especially adoption of an older child. I'm not saying that we are against it, but for multiple reasons it is doubtful we could take that path.

And then, just this week the doc i work with asked if i want to buy a child. They are expecting their second girl in June, and their first child is keeping them busy. I had commented about how very busy and even hard their lives are going to be for a while and he said off hand something about selling the child. I replied "That is not a very nice thing to say to someone in my position." His response was, "I was just kidding." Yeah, i knew that. It still wasn't funny and is rather painful.

On the other hand, there are folks in the world who get it. I got an invitation to a baby shower this week, and the person who sent it added a post-it: Kathryn, we didn't want to leave you out. If you're not up to coming, we understand. (Heart)

I thought that very kind and sensitive. But that particular family has been very loving all thru this, even tho i don't see them much.

My plants are doing well. I transplanted them into larger pots about 10 days ago. They are still indoors (and the kitties think i put them there for simply for cat pleasures of digging in dirt). I think most are going to make it. If they do, they'll be moved outdoors in early to mid-June. And i'm ready to start another round of seed-starting.

Outdoors the trees are blooming, and we may have apples even from the tree that was so severely pruned - if we don't have a late freeze. The onions i planted in boxes are up, and i put peppermint and spearmint at the bases of a couple of the trees. However, i've not yet been outside today and it got down to 20F last night.

So, that's a small bit of what has been going on on the mountain. We had a good Easter. I would have liked to take "our kids" with us to Duane's family, but i didn't want to take them away from their mama. My sis and her friend came up for a day Friday/Saturday. It was good to see her.

Hope y'all are well and had a good holiday. I still think about you and pray for you, even tho i've been neglecting blogging.

450

Life! Good, bad, and inbetween

2011-04-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've been a horrible blogger. I've not even responded to all the kind comments on the last post, tho i treasure each and every one.

Kip and Sierra on Sunday after church. (Do NOT buy tights from Payless Shoes!)

The family with which we are involved ("rent" the kids) is in crisis. Dad left with Joshua. It was chaos. We took the two older ones from Saturday noon until Sunday about 5 PM. I can't say much about this because: 1. It is not my story. 2. It is very complicated and i don't know the whole truth. 3. I would sound critical.

What i can say is that we want to do what we can to help these kids and as much as possible, provide a safe, calm, healthy environment for them when they need a place to crash for a little while.

It is hard to be around chaos without life feeling a bit chaotic as well. We have been taking steps to deal with that. We also are striving to set appropriate boundaries and check that we are not being drawn too much into drama.

I am going to make a serious effort to garden this year. In this climate, that means starting seedlings indoors. I planted 2 trays on the evening of 4 April.

These are my seedlings before we left Tuesday AM, 12 April, about 1 week later.

These were taken this AM. Everything i've planted so far has germinated except the bell pepper (in the same row as the zucchini, 3 plants each). Tho not every pod has sprouted, every type has shown some signs of growth. You can't see the watermelon in this pic, but there are three that are sprouting and shooting up small leaves.

These need to be put in pots in the next couple of days. It will be too cold to transplant them outside until the beginning of June at the earliest. However, a couple of years ago i tried this Jiffy "greenhouse" system. Not many sprouted and i made the mistake of leaving the ones that did sprout in the wet environment too long. They grew fungus and rotted.

I am very excited at this growth. I'm such an inexpert gardener! I have other things i'd like to try to grow, too. I've not started any tomatoes yet. I'd like to do parsnips, but haven't found seed for it. We only have the one raised bed outside and our ground is not appropriate to plant things in it directly, so we will probably have to build a couple of more beds. Duane moans about the expense because we have to buy some soil to go in that big bed (the one we have is 4'x8'x8"). We would do well to start composting soon. We gave it a try in the past, but what we set up wasn't adequate and much too small.

Do you watch Glee?

We don't watch the program, but know a number of folks who do. This is my cousin April. She has been playing an extra on the program. I know she is going to be in the episode on the Prom. If you watch it, keep a look out for my very lovely cousin. :)

My Aunt was out for a visit with my cousin, and Duane and i met them in Dana Point Tue eve for dinner. My sister Elsa drove up from San Diego, too.

I saw a new doc on Thur. I'm pretty hopeful about this one, but trying to to get too ecstatic. Have had too many problems in the past. I'm not going to write about it here, this is too long already. But i did talk a little about it at Hawkes' Health (a forum to which i belong). If you are interested, my part is on page 2 about half way down: hCG diet?

So, that's what has been going on in our lives.

What plans do you have for the weekend? Will you be joining family for Easter? It is coming up quickly! Next week is Holy Week already. The year is speeding by!

449

This was a challenging week

2011-04-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

But it was a good thing that Sierra came Thursday instead of Wednesday. Duane came home that afternoon and was able to spend some time with her, too.

I knew that she wants more attention than the boys, but i had not realized how much that would exhaust me. She needs more limit-setting and that is fatiguing, too. Someone in her life must respond to her "Oh, please, please, please, please, please, please!" when she is told "no." But i find it manipulative and that it irritates the - whatever - out of me. And, although she is not yet 9, i'm getting some of that teenage attitude vibe from her.

I tend to back away from that nonsense very quickly. She is not my child! So i think i'm going to have to explore my intention with this child and where i want to go with this. That sounds rather pompous. I don't mean it to be. The fact is, in another case i would walk away from it. But i don't think that is the best solution for her.

I asked sister Elsa (who is a Marriage Family Therapist) and she said that it may be that i need to be more direct. Not challenging the attitude - which would be my gut response - but the reason behind it. That it may be that she has been disappointed by others in her life and when i say/do certain things it triggers this appearance of an adolescent attitude because she doesn't expect i'll keep my word. Or something. It is hard to explain without going into too much detail (and making this far too long). Elsa reminded me that if Sierra has used certain strategies in her life before and they have worked, that is what she will use in the future. And that she must be somewhat comfortable with us to be pulling some of this now.

So, it may be that we will have the opportunity to model different ways of responding that she wouldn't experience otherwise. Although, again, i hesitate to say that thinking it presumptuous on my part.

We had a really fun day with Joshua yesterday, and we did a lot. Duane picked him up about noon. I'd been cooking with Olivia and was resting. We had lunch (they had sloppy joes) and then the two of them went off to explore the ravine that is across the street behind neighbors' houses. The ravine is not private property, but to get to it they had to cross some private property.

When they came back Joshua and i planted onions (i think they will manage in this chilly weather okay). We also weeded the raised planter box. Then Duane made a "Jacob's Ladder" for him.   Images   We let him choose the ribbon to use to hold it together. Duane used his staple gun, but had to use a hammer sometimes, too. Joshua helped with some of the hammering.

Then the adults were tired, so we set a couple of lawn chairs in the yard, about 20 feet apart. We encouraged him to run back and forth between us (sometimes circling a tree) and giving us high 5s. We thought that might work off some of his energy.

Then we took a "walk around the block" (there are no sidewalks here) with a ball. When we got home we watched some TV, and he was pretty quiet by then. Duane fell asleep for a while. We had dinner (they had meatloaf that Olivia made; i didn't force veggies as i have a lot of them hidden in the meatloaf) and more TV. Then as it was starting to turn to dusk we took him home.

It sounds like we did a lot, but it really was not a hard day.

So, it was a fun but challenging week. I'll have to be sure to rest a lot this afternoon and some tomorrow so i can survive this week at work.

Oh, Duane said that his snow shelter in the previous post was technically a Quinzhee. The construction and intent of this is different from an igloo. His was built with an outside chamber (that part had been destroyed by the time he took this pic) where he kept his pack and an inside chamber. He said it was warm ("warm" being a relative term - meaning no matter how cold the temp outside, inside stays right around freezing). It did fine for him, his problem is his metabolism is such that he feels cold when he first wakes up (even in the house). So he was glad to get home and take a warm nap!

So, what did you do this weekend? :)

448

New pics

2011-03-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

And some thoughts.

The pics scattered thru out are from Duane's camera in his phone. (He's gotten some good shots with his phone; i didn't think these turned out top quality.) He took them last weekend on his SAR camp out. It is good he went. There were only 5 people for the training, 3 newbies/trainees, the other trainer, and Duane. It would have been hard for them to do the training had Duane not gone. This first pic is the "igloo" snow shelter he made and slept in.

This is my week home and the first week of spring break for our "rent-a-kids." I can't take Kip just anytime because he usually has to take care of the two smaller ones. Saturday the little ones were with their grandma, so i took him to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. It was pretty good. I also took him on Monday for a while.

He had a school project to build a catapult and he and Duane had fun with that one. Kip found a youtube video where someone made one with a binder clip. His project is limited in size and has to propel a small marshmallow X number of feet (20, i think). Extra points if it goes 50. I happened to have a couple of large binder clips (and a spoon from the dollar store i don't care about) and he and Duane spent a lot of time designing, building, and flying marshmallows. (Yes, i had them. Must have had a recipe that called for them and i then did not make; marshmallows are not something i find tempting.)

The plan was for me to have Kip Monday, rest Tuesday, have Sierra Wednesday, rest Thursday (except to have Olivia come for a couple of hours), have Joshua either Friday or Saturday. Mama knew this and approved it. But when i called last night to confirm, Sierra had the opportunity to snowboard today, so, couldn't i just take Joshua today instead?

Well, no, i can't. The purpose of Friday or Saturday is to have him here when Duane is here too. If i took him (4 year old) by myself, the most i could manage is an hour or two.

But i told her i could probably take Sierra tomorrow (Thursday) instead. It does kind of screw up my schedule, i'll have to have Olivia come a different day. I'm not very good at making changes like this when i have something already planned. I wish i was more flexible, but, i'm not. However, i don't want to prevent Sierra from having fun on more than one day (i guess the person offering to take her can't do it another day) nor do i want to create any friction with Mama.

So, i've another day at home alone. I really did mostly rest yesterday. Today i need to do some laundry and would like to make truffles. Maybe some bread, tho i need to buy yeast if i do. (When i have Sierra, i want to have a "tea party" with sandwiches i can eat. I've not made bread for some time now.)

I've been in quite a lot of pain, tho it is intermittent, for the past few days. This is a weird, unique, severe pain that i've never heard of anyone else having. The story behind this is quite long. The only thing that has made it bearable (and not make me kill myself long ago) is that it is intermittent and usually for only about 10 days of the month. I've kept it in check the past few years mostly thru eating gluten free (yes, that makes a huge difference). However, while i sometimes "cheat" on eating GF, i've not had any for some time now, nothing to justify the amount of pain i am in.

I've been watching the old show The Waltons. I always loved that show. I know it is considered campy, and at times it is. In my mind it is never as campy as anything/everything Michael Landon did or was involved with. (I was not a fan of ML, & having loved The Little House books before i ever saw his show, was quite appalled at what he did to that story.) While there are some story lines in The Waltons that i don't care for as much, one thing that was shining in that program really was the love the family members had for one another. I think, somehow, i believed that if my own family had been big like The Waltons, that somehow there would have been that love too. I now know that to be fallacious thinking.

I did not have the most horrible childhood ever. My parents meant well, i know they did. The abuse was not severe. Somehow, however, our parents were not able to make my sisters or myself feel that we were loved. Instead we felt we were worthless bits of trash. This may be overstating somewhat, but is fairly accurate.

Oh, but i didn't mean to go there! My point in bringing up the show is something different.

I lived in East Tennessee until i was 8, and have vivid memories of the beautiful mountains there, especially in the spring and fall. Also my family visited extended family there (well, central TN & KY) every couple of years for the rest of my time living with my parents. So i know that part of the country is so very lush and green .

I've also lived in California for a long time now. I am quite familiar with the mountains, the trees, and the grasses (which are dry and dead about 10 months of the year). And don't get me wrong, i think the mountains of California very beautiful, too, just in a different way from the Appalachia mountains.

It is amazing to me that they could show the scenery of the mountains at points in The Waltons, particularly in the opening, and think that it could pass for Virginia! The pics around the house might possibly pass, but the mountain scenery which opens each episode could not in any way be mistaken for Virginia.

It was filmed about 100 miles from Big Bear Lake. If you ever watch the show, there are some shots that look like they were done here, particularly one that overlooks a valley.

Are there shows or music that you like in spite of them being considered camp? Do you have memories of certain shows from your childhood?

447

It is snowing out again

2011-03-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

The weather report (Ben's Weather) informs us that March has had 20 inches so far, and it is still coming down.

I'm snuggled in bed still (at 10 AM, but i have told you i spend much of my time there) with two "cat warmers." But i have to get up before long and make a trip into town. I need some ingredients for cooking (Olivia is coming this afternoon to cook), the kitties are out of treats, the car needs gas, and a few other things.

Here at home i need to do some laundry, and i'd like to do some clean up in the kitchen so Olivia won't have too much to do.

On the menu today: Manicotti! (Gluten free) Also some to freeze as well as lasagna and perhaps some meat sauce for Duane to use with spaghetti. I think that if we group "like" food things together like this we can make more food in a short period of time.

Duane is cringing because it is cold out (well, not REALLY cold, just about 32F) and the SAR group is planning an all day and overnight camping trip this weekend. They leave at 8 AM tomorrow & come back sometime mid-day Sunday. Duane doesn't need any more training but he was told the team needs him. He'll have fun.

Next week i am staying home for one of the scheduled "recover weeks," but it is also Spring Break for the kids so i'll try to have them over. Lynnette just posted a recipe for GF scones. I think it might be fun to try them with Sierra. She likes tea parties with my good china. (Disclaimer, i personally believe these days that breads, grains, and the like and especially sugar are very bad for our health. But, well, once in a while you just gotta have some.)

Oh, and i'm going to try yet another new doctor. I have tried several now, and have been very frustrated. I'm rather cynical about the whole thing now, and trying a new doc seems an exercise in futility. Two of the docs have put me on such restrictive diets that there is little i can eat. I am feeling that the failure is all on my part as i'm not good at sticking to a regime. A small part of me feels that it isn't 100% me (probably 95% is me), tho, because the recommendations i'm getting are not taking into consideration who i am and what i can do.

If nothing else, i need to stick with this new doc even if i don't improve, because i need the documentation for my continued disability. I'm hopeful because she is coming with such high recommendation from Kim (the PT i work with), but i'm afraid to be too hopeful. The appointment is on 14 April.

So that is the news in this part of the world. Duane is going to take That Jeep in because it won't stay locked in 4WD, which is a problem. So i need to go pick him up and do the town errands.

What do you have planned for the weekend?

446

Updates

2011-03-23T18:21:00.001-07:00

We are in Orange County now. Going home tomorrow. It is raining here now, so there will be more snow at home. We got about 12 inches Sunday/Monday, and it has been really cold! The low Monday night was 14F. I hope this doesn't kill any of our fruit trees.

Our neighbor came over and helped Duane "prune" this apple tree. Except "butcher" is a more accurate word. There are very few branches left. I understand the rationale for it - the tree had been badly neglected for many, many years. Many of the branches were tangled or growing in a way that won't encourage fruit. Still, i imagine that it will be another year yet before we can hope for apples.

They also did work on our one established peach tree. However, the pruning was much more conservative. (These trees are not blooming yet. The pics are from other years.)

I hope that our trees survive. We were having an unusually warm spring and the trees showed signs that they wouldn't be waiting the 4 to 6 weeks they needed to wait before leafing out. Our current cold weather could kill them.

We were amazed at our drive down on Tuesday how much snow was in the trees. It was a wet, heavy snow, really bending the branches. It was also at a very low elevation. The road was quite icy about half the way and i was driving very slowly.

We've been very busy. Duane's parents were up a couple of weekends ago. They had just gotten the new iPad II and wanted him to teach them how to use it before they took it with them on a trip to Italy/Sicily. The weekend before and the weekend after (this past weekend) we had our "rented kids" at least one day.

I've decided to assign them names here. "K" is Kip the oldest, who is a 12 year old boy. "S" is Sierra, an 8 year old girl. And "J" is Joshua, a 4 year old boy.

Saturday was Joshua's birthday. We had both boys on Saturday, and Joshua alone on Sunday. (His parents had to work the weekend and had already taken all the children to Disneyland to celebrate his birthday.) We enjoyed it very much. It was especially sweet to have him in church with us Sunday and have him snuggle up in my arms as we said the liturgy.

I am very glad, however, that i sensibly spent much of Monday in bed resting in preparation to be at work in Orange County. I did not do that the past 2 weeks after busy weekends and paid for it dearly.

Next week is the first week of the kids' spring break (they get 2 weeks off). The week after i already had folks scheduled, so i'm taking next week. Part of that is so i can catch up on resting, but part is also so that i can spend some time with the kids.

I'm keeping up to date on the projects for Christmas (did i tell you that already?). I'm also doing a lot of knitting. My one New Year's resolution this year was to keep up with sending out birthday cards to family and friends, as well as keeping in contact with friends and family more regularly. I am doing 100% of that for the closer family members, not quite as good with the more distant ones. I can live with that, however. It is 100% improvement over what i've managed other years.

I can hear the rain coming down rather heavily, as well as being plowed thru by the cars outside. Both the umbrella and my sweater are in the car. I'm hesitant to go out.

So, that is what we have been up to!

How are things in your part of the world? If you're in the Northern Hemisphere, has spring arrived? Do you garden? If you are in the Southern Hemisphere, what do you do to prepare for fall?

I hope you know how much i appreciate that you come here and read my words. Thank you so much. :)

445

Silence

2011-03-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

I've been quiet here for a while now. It is not because i have nothing to say! I always have things to say. :)

The problem is that i'm really struggling to accept my life as it is, and i tend to be negative about it. I'm also struggling with a lot of anger. It seems i get angry so easily these days. I hate these feelings!

I do tend to be a negative person - tho i prefer to consider myself an optimistic realist - but i fight the negativity. I could not by a long shot call myself optimistic. I do think that folks who are optimists are born that way. The rest of us can strive to be positive and have a sunny outlook, but it does not come easily or naturally. I work at having a positive view point, but it is a struggle. I don't know why.

I prefer not to speak negatively. Therefore, i have been silent.

The problem i am struggling with is that it is hard to balance the negatives with the positives. There is so much good in my life. Anyone who reads here knows i have a husband who loves me very much and whom i love. We have a good marriage and a good life. We like our lifestyle and have a reasonably good relationship with most of our family. We are not rich or affluent, but we have enough to meet our needs and that is more that most of the world can say. We are happy.

Yet, it is never going to stop hurting that we are not going to have children. People, well-meaning people who say, "God must have known you couldn't handle children" or any number of other well-meaning but painful statements, just can't understand. I know, too well, my limitations. I know that i don't have a clue how we would or could care for a child given my daily limitations, but that doesn't mean the desire for a family goes away! Somehow the wonderful gifts we have don't change the pain of what we so deeply desire but will never have.

We have had a busy 3 weeks. It has been good, but as i didn't rest as much as i should have, i also have been struggling to function. I am finding that i spend so much time in bed resting not because i am lazy, or i don't push myself enough, or because i want to, but because if i do not rest i cannot function in the life Duane and i have created. If i continue doing so, i am going to reach a point where i can no longer live the life that we so love and cherish. I have to accept this, but at times i really resist the chains i feel these limitations to be. I guess i have wanted to believe that if i just pushed myself enough, or whatever, that i really could do what i wanted/needed to, but i am finding that not to be true.

It is also so hard because it is hard for other people to see, accept, understand. I LOOK so normal! Everyone feels tired at times. Most folks just can't comprehend that each and every day for me is like getting over a really bad flu - the fever is gone, but the weakness, the fatigue persists. Rest helps a little bit usually, but it never goes away.

It is never going to stop hurting me to see someone's pregnant belly or hear what a miracle it is to feel the baby kicking or to see their first smile, etc., etc. I have to accept this. It is never going to stop being hard that i live with the fatigue of a 90 year old woman. I have to accept this and live with it.

I AM blessed each and every day that i am not bed-ridden all the time. I can still drive, shop, do crafts, visit people, work 4-5 hours a week, and live a good life. I don't forget these blessings or take them for granted.

But i am really struggling with the reality of my life and trying to accept it.

444

Post script at 7.20 pm: Ok, here is a balancing perspective on life: Gitz. I am frequently envious of Sara's faith and optimism. I am NOT and never will be envious of her limitations. Yet, while my limitations are not as severe, i certainly understand her frustrations and feelings as finding that her limitations are growing and beginning to consume her life. It is hard for me to compare our situations without feeling badly, because she is much more severely limited than am i. But the realization that your body will no longer do as you ask it or try to push it to do is similar.

Post script two: I often have pages open for days and days because if i close them i forget, but if i bookmark them they often go down a black hole as i forget to look at those, too. This is from Wikipedia about the book The World According to Garp. For some reason i was thinking about that old movie the other day. This sentance, "The story is decidedly rich with (in the words of the fictional Garp's teacher) "lunacy and sorrow", and the sometimes ridiculous chains of events the characters experience still resonate with painful truth." caught my attention and resonated with me. It does seem so often that the world is full of "lunacy and sorrow."

Paying for it

2011-03-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last night i was finishing up at work and i checked in at Facebook and saw Lynnette (from Dancing Barefoot) had a "chum chat." She's had these before, but never been able to do it. So i logged on for a little while. These were the instructions:

Chum Chat from 9:30 pm-10:30 pm (Central Time) Go to this link: http://www.------ Use this password: iamadork Pick a color that you like for your name (I’m Aqua!) either use your real name (my preference) or something that will let others know who you are.

Well, this tired girl didn't read all the instructions. I saw "Pick a color that you like for your name (I'm Aqua!)" and didn't read further. I was "Teal" among Lynnette, Linda, Lyn, and all the others. Yes, folks, i really AM a dork! (The colors helped distinguish all the different folks from one another.)

Duane says, "At least you have a good sense of humor."

I have heard what turns out to be a Spanish proverb: God said, "Take what you want and pay for it." (I think i've mostly heard this in Stephen King novels.)

It is not a Christian concept, yet it has an element of truth, none the less. I'm not talking religion but simply consequences. When we make certain choices there will be consequences, "paying for it" you see.

I have been "paying for it" this week.

Sunday we had all three kids for most of the day. We really enjoyed it. I can see that with J, the youngest (he'll be four in a week or so) that we are going to be doing some work educating him on what we consider "appropriate behavior," but we really enjoyed the day. I didn't even feel very tired at the end. But both Duane and i were in bed much sooner than is normal for us.

Surprising to me, i didn't sleep all that well that night. I thought i would, being tired out, but it didn't work that way.

Monday i did my regular knitting thing, and then had a new girl Olivia (she is a girl, only 20) in to help me in the house. She did a wonderful job in the kitchen - it has been a long time since it looked that good. Kimmy does a good job, too, but it has been a while since she had time. Anyway, i pushed myself harder than i should have. I'm finding that even tho i tend to think i don't push myself hard enough, there really is a reason i rest as much as i do. It is so that when we leave the mountain to work, i will be able to do the work.

I worked, of course, on Tuesday and Wednesday. Both days were really difficult to get thru. I did rest (NOT sleep, daytime sleeping is really bad for me) for about half an hour, and that helped. Of course, the fact that we had been at church at 6 AM for imposition of ashes didn't help.

I've both Olivia and Kimmy coming tomorrow to help me whip the house into shape. And my in laws are coming for the weekend (tho this isn't a 100% certainty so far). So i'm trying to rest some today to be ready for all of this.

I've not been keeping up with blog reading very well. I'll catch up eventually.

I'm doing well with my 12 days of Christmas project. The items have changed a bit, but i have all the stuff for January, February, March, AND April done! (Largely because i found keychain LED flashlights for $2 each and went ahead and got them.)

I don't think the soap sculptures are going to work. I got started doing a bear. It turned out, "Okay. Good. What is it?" in Duane's words. It kind of looks like a bear, but it could be a dog or a pig or any other 4 legged animal. Unless he takes over this (he is a very good artist), i'm not going ahead with that project. I am doing crocheted snowflakes, and they are turning out well.

If i keep going at this pace, i may have all the projects done by the end of summer instead of the end of November. That would not be a bad thing. On the other hand, many of the upcoming projects are more labor-intensive (mostly sewing).

Can you tell i'm ready for spring?

What has been keeping you busy? Are you working on any projects lately.

443

More icicles and snow

2011-02-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

I think anyone who reads regularly here must get tired of me marveling at our Southern California weather. We are 100 miles directly east of Los Angeles, and about 50 miles (as the crow flies) northwest of Palm Springs. Yet when they are having temperatures of 90F, 100, or more, our temp here can easily be about 70. The joys of living at almost 7,000 ft above sea level. :)

Even tho we have winter weather here, it is not at all unusual for us to have snow on the ground and temps in the 40s. Even when the temps are in the 50s in the valley, there is often still snow on the mountains. We do get cold at night, with temps in the teens and twenties, and sometimes down to zero.

But over all, this is a very temperate climate considering we still get snow and cold.

So, this week is unusual in that the temps have not risen above about 35F. In the shade and with windchill, it is even more so. Today so far the high is still under 25 and the windchill has it colder. This weather this week has grown an incredible crop of icicles. I know that for most folks who have winter weather they are not that unusual. They were not unusual where i grew up in Montana, but here in Big Bear where we generally have warmer daytime temperatures, it is a fun change.

We got 16 inches of snow last night. The wind has drifted it higher. I wasn't quite prepared for this. Earlier in the week the forecast was "possible snow" and i've held on to this idea of a "slight chance" inspite of updates that warned of a heavy winter snow.

Duane tried to leave this AM about 7.30 for a class at SAR. That Jeep got stuck. He is going to get ribbed about this for some time. He called someone to come pick him up.

I went out about 10.30 and dug out some of the driveway. I wish i could have done more. I really wanted to do more, but i don't have the energy for it. Even powder snow is heavy, and with 16 inches i was making 3 passes: 1st one took the top 5 inches, second one another 5, third one the last bit. It wore me out quickly and i didn't get nearly as much done as i wanted. The snow plow hasn't yet been by on our street, either. This is definitely snow that justifies a snow blower!

But i did dig out around the wheels of That Jeep and smoothed out the tracks so i thought i would pull it up on what i'd cleared of the driveway.

Hah!

I have it even more deeply stuck. However, it has me puzzled. The tracks/dig out are about flat. There are no steep bits of incline for it to get hung up on. I just can't get it to go forward. I was able to get it to go in reverse until it hit heavy snow. I thought that would give me some momentum to get it running forward, but i thought wrong. It simply doesn't want to go forward (yes, i had the parking break OFF!).

Duane may be upset with me when he gets home.

I wish i had pretty new pictures to show you, but i was too tired once i finished the little work i did. So here are some old pics.

If you are at all interested, i wrote (rather extensively) of my grandmother's death and my feelings of it on my blog, I Looked for Love.

Do you have "winter weather" where you live? How much longer do you expect it will last? Are you ready for spring?

442

Icicles!

2011-02-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

We've had quite a bit of snow recently. What i'm amazed at, however, are the icicles that this has produced.

Image by Mlewallpapers.com

We live in Southern California. So, even tho we get a good bit of snow and cold weather, it is not the extreme that is seen in the more northern climes. Meaning, that often, even when the lows are in the teens, twenties, or even colder, the days are often in the 40s or even the low 50s. So usually our weather is not cold enough to create icicles. These remind me of my childhood in Montana. I had forgotten how spectacular icicles can be.

The past few days have had highs just at freezing (32F) or just above. With the windchill it has been pretty nippy. So the melting snow has created incredible icicles. They are so beautiful. I don't have pics currently, but if i get some i will post them.

Lisa asked about olive leaf extract in the comments of my last post. I chose to use it for this last illness based on this article: Echinacea No Cure for the Common Cold, Study Finds. You'll have to scroll down a few comments to find it. (BTW, the study of the title has a lot of holes in it.)

I purchased Olive Leaf Liquid Herbal Extract from my local health food store. (The link is to the same thing at Vitacost; when i Googled olive leaf, i found lots of different ones already in capsule form.) I have put it, as well as coltsfoot, oregano spirits, and astragalus in water, but frankly it tastes nasty. I can get it down for one or two doses, but then start gagging on it. So, at Duane's request, i also bought a bag of empty gelatin capsules. I put the dose in that and we take them with water.

Holy Basil (thank you for the recommendation, Amrita), quercetin and CoQ10 are all good for immune function, too. And, as always, Manuka honey is my #1 choice for health issues. Oh, and i use ginger in a number of forms for nausea.

I also use colloidal silver, tho it is a controversial product. There are a few people who have "turned blue" by using a silver product. What is rarely reported, however, is that these folks are often using: 1. a home made product 2. taking huge doses daily and 3. taking these huge doses for months or years. In other words, folks who have taken silver until they turn blue have used it in a very irresponsible manner. I consider it quite safe for short-term use. If you are interested in a further discussion of this, Hawkes' Health has it at this article: The Silver Hoax.

I've written on this twice before. If you are interested, you can click the link at the bottom of this post, "cold/flu remedies." I wrote of this for the first time 18 months ago. What i find really strange is that that particular post pulls more spam comments than all my other posts put together. Apropos of nothing, but i find it interesting.

We had Nina's kids yesterday. We took them to church, to breakfast, and to the Discovery Center for a while. They are really good kids, and we enjoyed it, but i was pretty tired when we got home.

Then i developed a migraine. This is the third Sunday in a row that i've had a migraine, and they have been progressively worse. Yesterday's was the worst i've had since i had Splenda poisoning the summer of 2009. It was bad enough that i just wanted someone to take the top of my head off, or kill me please.

So i started wondering what it is about Sundays that i keep getting these migraines. After thinking about it and different theories, i decided that it must be the communion wine.

It is hard for me to believe that a tablespoon of anything could do this, but i do have extreme sensitivity to sulfites. An on-line search assures me that sulfites do not cause headaches - it is just the red wine. The same site tells me that white wine has more sulfites than does red wine and white wine does not cause headaches. Hah! It does for me.

The headache was bad enough i considered having Duane take me to ER, but i was pretty sure that if i could wait out the pain, it would go away in 8-12 hours. Well, when you are in extreme pain, that amount of time is hard to manage. Especially as i was light and sound-sensitive and extremely nauseous. I couldn't read. I could manage the computer for about 5 minutes.

I was mostly right. There still is some residual headache today, but it is nothing like yesterday. I'm able to function today.

I'm not complaining. I know that folks with migraines usually have the kind of pain i had yesterday. I'm thankful i don't have it more often. The migraines i usually have are much less severe. I'm also thankful that i was able to discover the cause (i'm 99% sure).

A lot of these Monday holidays don't mean anything to me (except the banks are closed and there is no mail) because we are home Mondays, anyway. But our weather is glorious with lots of white snow in the trees and on the ground, blue skies and sunshine. Enough to enjoy any day. :)

Have you done anything special for this 3 day weekend? Does it effect you? Do you use any natural cures? What has worked for you?

441

Sunny, snowy Saturday

2011-02-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

No, we didn't get quite this much snow, but our trees are frosted. I just cleared about 4 inches of wet snow off half of our 30 foot driveway. I'll let Duane do the rest this afternoon. He is off the hill for a SAR meeting and should be back mid-afternoon. The hardest part of shoveling was the berm (what the snowplow throws up along the side of the road including in front of our driveway). It was 9-12 inches of heavy, wet, packed snow.

Here is what Duane did with our sketch. He has a program that smooths out the bumpy rough edges that i left. I've not ordered the stamp yet, but i have uploaded it and am ready to do so. I wanted to order it 3x3 (inches) but i think that is a bit too big for many of my cards. The next option is 2x2, which seems a little small to me, but those are my choices.

I know i've not been writing much and i have plenty to say, but i'm pretty exhausted from shoveling, so i'll keep this short. Duane and i were both sick this week, but strangely, with different things. He had a cold and a couple of days later i had just a sore throat and a lot of weakness. I took a lot of olive leaf extract because someone i know swears it cures her colds. I can't know what would have happened had i not taken it, of course, but the sore throat passed pretty quickly.

Right now the sky is blue, but the temp is 25F with wind chill. This is suppose to be the break in the storm with more coming. Someone told me yesterday that we are suppose to have 7 days of storm. The weather service doesn't say that, and it is hard for me to imagine that here because storms normally pass quickly and we are left with the beautiful (if chilly) weather like we have today. Guess we will see.

I've so much to do in the house, but i think i've worn myself out. I'll try to do some. :)

What do you have planned for your weekend? Did you do anything fun for Valentine's Day?

440

Weekend post

2011-02-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful day in Big Bear. It is 52F out, tho our low was 12. There is not a cloud in our deep blue sky, tho snow is predicted later this week.

I need to go out soon and run some errands.

My grandmother died on Wednesday morning. I am not grieving, i think. We were not close. I had only seen her 4 times since i was 19, and that was largely because of that visit when i was 19. However, she did an honorable job of raising 8 children during hard circumstances and deprivation. She was 93 and had lived a very full life.

Duane has had a sketch that he draws. I think, before he met me, he used to sign birthday cards to friends and family with a funny sketch.

This is one he did in 2005. But we kind of got out of the habit of doing it. I wasn't very good about sending cards for a while. But it is my intent to keep up with birthday cards this year.

So, since i'm doing this more, and he's drawing it more, i thought i might have it made into a rubber stamp. Occasionally i have to send things out (may have forgotten until the last minute) and don't have time to track him down to do this for me. I took one of his drawings and traced it for the above image. He may make some changes to it to make it more authentic and his own, but i think i'd like a rubber stamp.

That is what i've spent the last hour or so doing. Duane and i don't celebrate things like Valentine's Day really, and of course for us we don't celebrate Mothers'/Fathers' days. But we do have our own fun rituals like his funny signature image, and we do a number of different things too.

How is your weekend? Do you feel like spring is on its way? Do you have any rituals that make your life complete?

439

Post-Superbowl thoughts

2011-02-07T14:45:00.000-08:00

We went to a Superbowl party yesterday at Duane's step-brother's house. That's 2 hours from here in the desert. We had fun, tho i had a migraine and had forgotten how noisy a party like that could be. Light doesn't bother me too much (it is a bit of a problem but not as bad as most folks i know with migraine), but noises seem to be amplified by 100%.

Duane's step-brother's home is really lovely. It is about 5 years old, and so the house is new and neat and large. His wife has done a beautiful job of decorating it. (Often in a house with lots of decorations, i see "clutter and dusting," but her house doesn't seem to be overcrowded that way.) I have to say that while i think their house really beautiful and convenient, i'm not envious. I like where we live. I like Sugarbear. Our home may not be as convenient, up-to-date, or pretty and new, but it also doesn't come with the expense that all that has. Sugarbear was less than half the price they paid for their home, and i'm so thankful not to have their mortgage payment. If we had that much debt, we would not have much of the freedom we currently have with our jobs and in our lives.

On the drive home i told Duane that i felt we were well-off. He responded with all the ways that (by US standards) we do NOT fit the label of "well-off." And i understand his point and agree we are not "affluent." However, i was thinking of the freedom i've already mentioned, and this sentiment that i recently received, again, in an email. It has been out there a while now, have you read it?

Global Village

If you could fit the entire population of the world into a village consisting of 100 people, maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth, that village would consist of:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Americans (North, Central and South)
8 Africans
There would be: 52 women and 48 men
30 Caucasians and 70 non-Caucasians
30 Christians and 70 non-Christians
89 heterosexuals and 11 homosexuals
6 people would possess 59% of the wealth and they would all come from the USA
80 would live in poverty
70 would be illiterate
50 would suffer from hunger and malnutrition
1 would be dying 1 would be being born
1 would own a computer
1 (yes, only one) would have a university degree
If we looked at the world in this way, the need for acceptance and understanding would be obvious.

But, consider again the following :
If you woke up this morning in good health, you have more luck than one million people, who won’t live through the week.

If you have never experienced the horror of war, the solitude of prison, the pain of torture, were not close to death from starvation, then you are better off than 500 million people.

If you can go to your place of worship without fear that someone will assault or kill you, then you are luckier than 3 billion (that's right) people.

If you have a full fridge, clothes on your back a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are wealthier than 75% of the world's population.

If you currently have money in the bank, in your wallet and a few coins in your purse, you are one of 8 of the privileged few amongst the 100 people in the world.

There is a little more if you want to check it out here: Daily Cognition

Of course, these numbers were torn apart by Snopes. The stats were off. Slightly different numbers from the different continents. Male/female would be closer to 50/50. This overstates illiteracy. So, i'm not saying that this is 100% faithful to the world (we're not going to drop the population to 100 folks, anyway). But the sentiment behind these numbers remains the same.

Compared to most of the world, we are well-off. By US standards Duane and i may fall a bit lower than middle, but i think we are still well-off compared to most here. The disability that limits me so has not bankrupted us. Yes, we have to be careful. Yes, if Duane lost his job we'd be hurting. Yes, it is true we don't have unlimited assets. But i still think we are blessed.

Have you seen this email/presentation before? How about you? Are you blessed? Content? Well-off?

438

What are your thoughts

2011-02-02T23:50:00.000-08:00

On Groundhog Day? They are saying he didn't see his shadow - spring is near. Well, maybe on the East Coast, but two of the past three years Big Bear has had killing freezes the last week of May. Spring won't be here for another 3 months or so.

What do you think of Groundhog Day? Does it make any sense?

Groundhog Day doesn't hold much sentimentality for me. It is the anniversary of my first wedding - long ago ended in divorce. Do you think i should have seen it coming - that we chose such a weird day for the wedding?

I do have fond memories of my first January/February in Southern California. The days were definitely golden. It is days like those that bring vacationers to So Cal, and even motivates some of them (before the high cost of land here) to relocate. I remember the colors of the blooming trees and plants that year. The poinsettia was a brilliant red - i'd never in my life seen one outside of a pot before. While January and February are vivid and delightful in Los Angeles and Orange Counties, i'm not sure any of them have quite had the same resplendent color that year had. But then, i was much, much younger. My eyes probably don't see the same.

Today was a good day. It wasn't an easy day, but it was a good one just the same. Blessings on you, Dorothy, for teaching me that. I hope that you can know how i appreciate it, from your new position in Heaven. :)

P.S. - thank y'all for tolerating my venting/ranting/raving post previous to this one. I so appreciate your patience and tolerance.

437

A new month is ushered in

2011-02-02T01:51:00.000-08:00

Can you believe January is over already? It went by so quickly.

We've been having an unusually mild winter so far. We did get snow Sunday night - about 1/4 inch. It melted off quickly, except in the shadows, on Monday. Last night was 14F and tonight is predicted to be colder than that.

I seem to be terribly cranky these days. I'm home this week. Was feeling poorly after i got up this AM. It is better now, but i'm achy.

I didn't double check Holly's work on Friday. The fact is in my house, dishes often don't get done for some time. I spent about 3 hours in the kitchen on Monday doing really detailed clean up. I re-washed everything that she had washed. Every bit of it. As well as some she should have washed but did not. To be fair, not all of that time was what Holly didn't clean properly. Some of it was from our dishes from the weekend, or a couple of things the dishwasher didn't get cleaned.

But i was really unhappy to find that she had put my good iron skillet - wet - upside down on my good cutting board. It created some kind of seal and kept the interior moist. The cutting board now has a permanent iron stain, and the inside of the skillet is entirely rusted. I have wanted to re-surface and re-season this particular skillet, but it was working fine. I have no choice now, it has to be done before that skillet can be used again.

Duane and i talked about what i would say to her about this. The fact is, even tho my house does not reflect it, i am a perfectionist. The house may be cluttered, it may even be dirty, but i am aware of every bit that needs to be done. When i have the energy to clean, i want it done well. I expect the same from someone i pay to do the work.

So i was so very, very tired and not very happy when she came to work yesterday. And i was really, really unhappy when she left.

Part of this is my fault. I didn't plan well, i didn't supervise, and i didn't make absolutely clear what i wanted. She made Alfredo sauce, and steamed broccoli for us, with (gluten-free) pasta. I'd already poached the chicken for Duane to blacken to go with his (he likes to do it himself).

She made it up and presented it as complete - so i had Duane take her home even tho it wasn't even close to 2 hours yet. She DID make it look lovely - just the right amount on the plates, and a few spinach leaves with some tangerine segments on them. It looked delightful. So i was really shocked when Duane got back and we tasted the food. I came unglued. Neither of us like pasta al dente. It does not taste done to us. In fact, i don't think the pasta was al dente, i think it simply wasn't cooked. The broccoli wasn't done either.

So, i had to dirty 2 more pans (because i take much more broccoli than Duane), and another half an hour plus clean up time, just to try to get it cooked. It turned out okay, but not as good as it would have had it been done properly.

So, on top of the cost of food - because i paid for that - that meal cost us $30. We don't usually spend that much money when we do eat out; they provide the food/supplies, and they clean up! I was livid. Poor Duane! He wasn't sure it was safe to be in the kitchen, but i think he was afraid to leave me alone.

No, i had not talked to her about the clean up job, and what she did Monday was fine. But i think her expectations and my expectations don't begin to match up.

Frankly, when she talked about being "paid by the job" on Friday, it put an entirely different twist on things with which i'm not comfortable. It put things in a rather negative light, and when i shared my discomfort with someone else, she said, "She's gotten greedy. It made it negative. You need to say 'no.'"

The reality is, i'm hard to please. I think the women who have come in don't realize this because i'm not grumpy with them or confrontational. Yes, my house often is a cluttered mess. That does NOT mean i don't want it clean. I can tell you right now that the front door (which is a window) has streaks on it that need to be cleaned. There is Jazz fur on the carpet downstairs. I've a bunch of craft stuff hidden behind the couch that needs to be put away. And i've laundry to wash and more that is done but needs to be folded and put away. I could go on and on and on and on. I'm very aware of what needs to be done - i simply do not have the energy to do it.

This is why i love Kimmy's cleaning. She does the job i would do myself if i were able. But i think a few of the ladies come in and see the clutter and think i don't care. Or they don't know what a clean dish is.

The food is particularly hard. Both Duane and i are pretty fussy. I don't care for or like food much, so when i have it, i'm very fussy, it has to be good. I'm sad that i'm so particular. It makes things so much harder. I don't like that i'm hard to please.

So, now my quandary is: I planned to have Holly come for a couple of hours on Saturday to help me prepare some things for a Superbowl party we are going to attend. I could still have her come, and micro-manage the work she does. Including inspecting each and every dish. Part of me was thinking "If i have her come, at least the dishes will get done," but it's useless if i have to rewash all of it. But i don't want to give up if something has hope. I'm all about 2nd chances. But, Holly takes a lot of energy, too. I'm not sure i have the energy to manage Saturday.

Duane is going to be gone part of that day, but he said he could help me. Not to be negative, i think that would be fun . . . except i know in the past how that "help" has gone. I'll be in the middle of something, i've given him something to do, he does it and then disappears. There are a dozen other things to do, but he doesn't ask about anything more. If he's finished the one thing i mentioned, he's done. It is not "working together." And i end up doing all the dishes.

I know i sound like a cranky bitch. I am hard to please. I don't like that i'm this way. I think part of this frustration is that i just wish i could do it myself, and i know that i haven't the energy to do so. I find it very hard to pay someone to do a poor job.    I don't like the feeling that i'm constantly complaining. I prefer to look at the bright side when possible.

On a positive note, we attended friend David's mama's memorial service on Saturday.

That sounds funny? She was almost 92, she'd lived a full life loved and cared for by her family, she was ready to go and had said so. It was a lovely service. But the one thing that really caught my attention was in the eulogy. It was read by David's sister, but i think he wrote this part (or maybe i'm mixed up and he said it). His mama was really uncomfortable and in a fair amount of pain the last couple of years of her life. The family did what they could to make her comfortable, including having massage therapists come, and David learned massage as well (and he is very good at it). David was doing most of her care-giving these past couple of years and he made it possible for her to remain in her own home until the end.

David said that, even in discomfort and pain, she would say at the end of each day, "Today was a good day."

I just find that so inspiring. It touches me at my core.

I've tried, since that day, to finish my day by saying to Duane, "Today was a good day." Even after my cranky mood yesterday. Today, of course, he is away from home, so i emailed that to him. Every day that we have each other is a good day.

So, do you have any recommendations for me? Am i asking too much and do you think i need to change my expectations?

Did January go by quickly for you? Did you have a good day? :)

436

I'll be honest -

2011-01-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not thrilled to be awake at 6.20 AM.

I'm days behind on blog reading. Maybe will catch up over the weekend.

I just had a funny dream. I don't remember my dreams often.

Duane was an architect. He and i were in his office. He'd told me that he'd agreed to meet a client there because it was more convenient for her. I guess he normally met clients in some corporate office a few miles away.

She came in and they talked a bit. His desk (like his desk in real life only a little neater) had a ton of stuff on it, including a couple of dishes that had change in them. One dish probably had $3 or $4 in dimes, nickels, and quarters. As she was talking to Duane, she began rifling thru the change and dumping some of it, mostly quarters, into her purse. She didn't make eye contact with either of us, and we stared at her with our mouths open.

Finally, one of us asked, "Why did you put Duane's change in your purse?"

She looked up, surprised, and gave a garbled response, the gist of which was lost, but then she rather said, "That bothered you? I can't believe it bothered you. Why does that bother you?"

The time with her didn't end there, but i know that somehow Duane and i conveyed to each other that she would not be welcome in his office again, she would have to meet him at the corporate office.

Then, somehow her grandchildren were there. They were a boy and a girl of about 8 and 10. They were totally out of control, running about the office, opening file cabinets and drawers. I firmly closed one of the cabinets, saying to the child, "That is private."

The woman picked up a mock-up drawing that belonged to Duane and myself. She began sticking it into the papers she was carrying. "That belongs to us," i told her firmly. She acted surprised, but gave it back to me.

Duane and i communicated to each other that she definitely would never be welcome in his office again.

I decided to ignore the children, and found a pamphlet that was a catalog, but also had some sort of storyline in it. Or i made one up. The children asked what i was reading, and i began telling them the story. It was sort of a morality-tale, about children behaving or mis-behaving, and getting what was coming to them.

Then i woke up.

I had someone here yesterday to cook for us. Her name is Holly. I'm really pleased with what she did and the efficiency with which she works. She made 3 lasagnas, 2 with meat and one without. Also there was left-over spaghetti sauce (with meat) that would work for sloppy joes, too. Also some meat made for tacos that we froze to use in the future.

I commented on how quickly she worked and how pleased i was with it. She then said, "Yes. I work quick. That's why i'd prefer to be paid by the job, not by the hour. I could stretch this out to take more time, but that wouldn't be honest."

This really threw me for a loop. I think what we are paying is eminently fair. Also, i've since realized, i was comparing her work to the last person who was with us, and who didn't work out and whom we didn't have continue, NOT to the work Rebecca did. I was very pleased with Rebecca's work, and she would have done about the same amount of work as Holly did yesterday, in the same time.

I told her i don't think on my feet well, which is true. Also that i completely understand her point about time. However, it was my plan to pay her for 5 hours, and seeing the amount of food that she did in 2-1/2 hours (3 hours after clean up), it didn't look to me like five hours of pay. I asked her if she thought the 5 hours of pay was a fair price for the work she did, and she agreed it was not.

Duane and i discussed it, also. We purchase the ingredients for the food, so we can't even compare it to purchasing prepared food at the store. If i paid $8 for a lasagna from the meat store, they supply the ingredients. I've been willing to pay her to come here and make the things for me from my ingredients, because i then can control what goes into the food that is made, and i KNOW it is healthier than anything we could purchase pre-made. Also, it is hard to buy good quality gluten free items.

But also her comment about "by the job" made us look at what we are getting. It was really probably not a good idea to draw our attention to this, because we realized that if we begin paying "by the job" it will definitely put a price on each meal she makes. (I recognize that each meal has a price, regardless of how we see it. However, that was not our thought process before, and i'd prefer not to go there.) That brings our attention to it, and we said, well then, we might as well begin eating out for every meal for that price.

This is apples and oranges, i realize. No quality of food in a restaurant can compare to the quality of what we make at home. Their ingredients are not grass-fed beef, bison, venison, and their ingredients are not organic. There is no Italian place in town where i can go get GF spaghetti, manicotti, or lasagna. Also, i know, again, the quality of what they produce is not the same. STILL, if our focus becomes the price of each meal we consume, we may be tempted to give up and eat out more.

So, when i see her again, i think i will tell her the following.

1. I understand her point about time, but when i said she was "quick" i was comparing her to the person we last had working - and she's not working for us anymore. If Holly began taking more time to do the same work, i'd either have to drop the hourly wage, or stop having her come.

2. Because we purchase the ingredients for the food, we can't do a comparison of purchasing these foods pre-made. If the focus becomes that of how many meals she prepares instead of giving her a fair wage for her time, then we may end up throwing all that out and eating our meals in restaurants instead of having it home prepared. Because, frankly, it is very expensive to purchase high quality ingredients and then pay to have someone else prepare them.

3. The hourly wage we pay her for her time is very fair and more than i ever made working hospital with a 4 year degree.

So, yeah, i was a bit teed off when this came up (after, actually; i don't think things thru at the time very well). But i'm still very pleased with the work she did, and i think it can still work out. She's not lived in Big Bear for long, and it is possible that she won't stay long, either. But i think it will work for while she is here.

The skies are clear, blue, and sunny. But the weather forecast says we may get some more snow late Sunday and into Monday.

435

Dribs & Drabs

2011-01-26T18:46:00.000-08:00

Subtitle: I need a conversion experience.

I'm really struggling with the food issue. There is what i KNOW and BELIEVE, and then there is what i DO.

Part of the problem is that when i eat well and healthy, it doesn't really make me feel better. I don't lose weight, i don't have more energy, i don't have less pain. However, when i eat junk (which i do go thru phases with) i feel much WORSE. I'm really struggling with it, and even knowing how bad some of the "food" i'm eating is, at times i just struggle to care. I need an experience of conversion which will motivate and jump start better habits. Sigh.

I've found someone who can come cook for me. So far i'm impressed with her. I think it will end up being temporary - she recently came to Big Bear and may not stay - but for now i think it will be a good thing. She seems to be a good self-starter, and i don't have to hold her hand to have her do what i need. Even if she doesn't stay long, at least we'll have some food in the freezer. Also, a friend knows of someone who might be willing to come and help for a while. Since she doesn't live in Big Bear, it would take some arranging, but that might be fun, too.

The end of December saw the last of the bright orange and reds of the sweet gum trees (in Orange County, in Big Bear the leaves were all gone by mid-to late October). They are now dropping "gum balls."

The is ornament on the left is one of the sweet gum balls i painted white and added glitter to use for a Christmas decoration. I have a handful of these. Now in Orange County the ornamental trees blooming. I've never heard what these trees with the white flowers are called. They look like a crab apple to me, but they never have fruit. Still, they are very pretty when they are in bloom.

Big Bear has been warmer than normal. When we left on Tuesday, it looked like the roses were greening. I hope this fake spring doesn't confuse our trees, because starting to bud out now could do a lot of damage.

I've long hated shoes. I don't feel that arch supports are healthy, and now i have a link to prove my beliefs! It is this (very long) article at New York Magazine: You Walk Wrong. So, i've been walking around the office today barefoot (not even those flip-flops on) from the justification of the article. Still, no matter how strongly i believe this, going barefoot is never going to look professional. I like these shoes, too, but they will never really look professional, either.

My two year blogging anniversary came and went and i never even noticed. My first post was 18 January 2009. Ah well.

We have been living in Big Bear for almost 4 years now. We moved the middle of February 2007.

We've been living at Sugarbear for 3 years now. We closed on the house and began moving 30 January 2008. It is a happy life, even if i'm still aching for children. We love it. :)

434

Just some pics

2011-01-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

I'm intending to write. In fact, if you are interested in some Christmas items, i'm planning a give away in the next few days. I've just been overwhelmed with all the stuff i've to do at home.

So, just some pics. These were a couple of weeks ago.

433

Mundane

2011-01-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since i've written, but not for lack of anything to say.

I think i've been eating too much sugar, for the world has taken on a dim quality. I seem to be discouraged about everything. (I wrote "depressed" at first, but i know what true depression is, and i really never experience it these days. I just get discouraged, but that usually goes away before long.) The shooting in Arizona was difficult. But i find it even more difficult that that evil "church" group from Kansas plans to "protest" the funerals. What is the point of protesting a funeral? What is more, how are you spreading the love of Jesus by telling people that (you believe) their child is now in Hell? It makes me sad.

Duane is off with some friends from SAR this AM. He just sent this pic. This is a view of the East end of the valley.

I also have been grumpy because my ILs have company which means we were bumped to the air mattress to sleep, and i was in considerable pain both Wednesday and Thursday as a result. I get irritated with myself because i feel like i'm truly the princess and the pea, but i can't help or change that. I don't sleep well, anyway, and mattress changes make it so much worse. But Duane didn't sleep very well, either, and he agreed for us to get a tempapedic pad to go on the air mattress. I didn't really want to spend the cash (they are over $100) because we only sleep on that thing a few times a year. But he feels the investment is worth it if it will give us a better night's sleep. I was hurting badly enough on Thursday not to argue with him.

I was playing with Photoshop Elements yesterday. I was trying to create a coloring page from a photo. I didn't do a great job with it, but i thought this turned out nicely. It is a pic of a doll i have. I think it does look like an illustration from a picture book.

I got the letter out to all the kids last week. (Except i mis-addressed one and it was returned, had to re-send it.) We've gotten 4 responses (out of 14) so far. We have also decided to do a "tough love" thing, and if any of them don't bother to fill out the paper and return it we won't include them in the 12 days of Christmas for this year. I find that kind of difficult, but i think it is right. If they can't bother to let us know that they care or are interested, then i think we should not include them. I probably will give them one small gift, but i won't include them in the full plan. Of course, it is kind of hard for me right now because January is half over, i should have one of the projects done, but i may not know for a week or so yet who is going to participate.

I've kind of struggled with what to plan, as well. I don't want to just give something for the sake of giving an item. And i'm not very big on clutter/knick-knack items either, so it is rather a challenge.

The reason i was playing with PE to create "coloring book" pics is that i thought i might do some of the kids of themselves, if i could get it to turn out right. But i'm finding that more of a challenge than i expected.

Some other ideas i've had are origami money (a $5 bill folded to look like a heart with a fancy fan-folded center), soap sculptures, and some small, inexpensive flashlights. (I LOVE flashlights, and i think most folks do, especially kids.)

So, my project list right now looks something like this:

January project - origami money - 11th Day of Christmas
February project - soap sculptures (i don't know, this is kind of cheesy, might change it) - 7th Day of Christmas
March project - flashlights - 12th Day of Christmas
April project - homemade necklace (for the girls, for the boys???) - 8th Day of Christmas
May project - tote bag or apron - 10th Day of Christmas
June project - book mark (and book?) - 6th Day of Christmas
July project - a calendar of pics of themselves - 9th Day of Christmas
August project - finger puppets - 5th Day of Christmas
September project - ornaments - 1st Day of Christmas
October project - fridge magnets - 2nd Day of Christmas
November project - homemade lip balm - 3rd Day of Christmas
December project - candy - 4th Day of Christmas

With this plan, i can purchase or make all the items for January, February, and March without being "committed." Meaning, if we end up having to do the tough love thing, making origami money doesn't mean i have to send it. A piece of soap (if i stay with this choice) can be used by us. And i can always find a use for another flashlight. If i haven't gotten a response by then (or even before), i'm not going to, so i won't bother making extras on the other months.

I've also been on a quest to find household help, again. Sigh. Kimmy is wonderful for cleaning when she is able to come, but her schedule has been erratic. AND what we need most is help with cooking. So i'm looking again.

Same pic, tho i did some "artistic" work to it on PE, and added a white X roughly where Sugarbear (our house) stands. This pic amazes me, because there are houses scattered all thru those hills, but they really aren't visible from this height. And as you can see, we've been having warm weather so much of the snow has melted off the low lying areas that get sun. I'm sure we will have more of the white stuff before the winter is over, tho.

432

On the 9th Day of Christmas . . .

2011-01-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year on this 2nd day of January! :)

I did take pics of our tree and our new ornaments for this year. But i've not loaded them from our camera yet. I tried, but i think the camera battery needs recharging.

Duane's cold never got much worse and he seems to be back to normal now. He has some residual cough, but not bad. We brought Nina's daughter, S, over on Thursday. She hadn't been able to come on Christmas day with the rest of them, so we still had her presents here (i'd wanted to send them home for her but her mama wanted us to keep them). She played some games on Playstation, and she and i had a "tea party." I'd even bought some small scones (the leftovers i sent home with her) and made her a small tea sandwich. I bought gluten free waffles for me (which i rarely do these days) and toasted a couple and ate with lemon curd.

Lemon curd is divine! I've never cared much for lemon meringue pie, mostly because i don't much like pie meringue. But lemon curd is just like the pie filling without the crust or meringue. It is so good!

Anyway, we then took S home and picked up K. He stayed with us overnight. The plan was for him to help me in the house some (long story, but he "owed" me some money from a school project gone bad and this was his proposal to pay it off). Our house is too fascinating to waste time that way, tho! He did help Duane carry in and stack some wood. He would have liked to stay another night, and that wouldn't have been hard, but we felt that some limits are important. He's a really nice kid.

We haven't taken the youngest, J, out much. He isn't 4 yet. The problem hasn't been behavior or anything. Rather, he still requires a car seat and that has been an issue requiring a lot of planning. He is big enough, however, that we could put him in a booster seat (made for this, of course). They aren't so expensive. We can get one for as little as $20, so we might do that. Then we won't have to struggle with his big car seat and having to time it with his mama (she's been working a lot and she has the car, so she has the car seat, too).

If you think i've been re-using pics a lot, it is true. I've learned that Picsaweb has a limited number of pics you can use before you have to pay for the space. So i've been trying to not load as many pics as i used to. Eventually i'll probably use Picsaweb only for the blog, and load the other pics somewhere else like Photobucket or Flickr.

I've been working on my ideas for the 12 days of Christmas. I've been looking at a lot of "home made" blog or web ideas. Here are the things i've thought of so far: seeds (planter kit?), a calendar of pics of the kids, bookmarks, candy, an ornament, window ornament? - stained glass, dream catcher?, finger puppets for smaller ones, lip balm, homemade lollies?, home made necklaces/bracelets?, hot chocolate mixes, painted tee shirts?, dollar tree toys wrapped like crackers or in crepe, tote bags, apron, fridge magnets

Of course, anything that is baked goods or candy will have to be made much later in the year. Homemade lollies would be good, and they'd keep for a while, but i don't think i could make them earlier than October or November.

I've decided that as there are 12 days of Christmas and 12 months of the year, i'll do one project a month. I'm also going to sent out a letter saying that we are doing Christmas differently this year, and asking for information like their favorite color, their favorite animal, etc. I don't know any of the kids on our list very well.

Have you heard the tale of "the old woman shaking her feather bed" for snow? It isn't very often that i think of that when it is snowing here. Usually it snows with a right good will. However, for a little while today we had big, fluffy flakes coming down in such a lazy way that it was reminiscent of feathers. Made me think of the story. :)

I had a lot more to say (i always do!) but got interrupted with my "flow." Think i'll stop here.

Hope each and every one has had a wonderful holiday season and may God richly bless your coming year.

431

On the 5th Day of Christmas . . .

2010-12-29T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've been reading about the 12 Days of Christmas. There is an email going around that said that it was developed to teach young Catholics their catechism in the days they were not free to practice their faith. But other sources believe this to be an urban myth developed in the last 20 years or so.

I also read at two sources that the "four calling birds" were actually collie (black) birds and the "five gold rings" were speaking of pheasants, so that "all the gifts were actually speaking of birds." Hardly know where they get that idea, however, with 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, and 8 maids a milking. It looks to me like one article made that assertion and the other simply copied it. I don't know which was which, nor do i think it worth my time to pursue it. I'm just trying for ideas as to how to use these 12 days to plan gifts/projects/love for next year. No clue, yet, really.

Yesterday we received a thank you note from one of Duane's nieces for the boxes (blank cards) we sent. She made a card for the thank you. It was nice to hear from her. I'd wondered if the kids liked them.

This is our current forecast: As temperatures drop throughout the day into the 20s with the colder air arriving, so will the snow levels, down to around 4,000 feet where 4-8" of snow is expected, possibly more at the higher resort levels. W-NW winds are also accompanying this system, 20-40mph with gusts over 50 possible, making for very treacherous travel conditions in blowing & drifting snow, reduced visibility, icy roadways and winds chill values below zero. The winds will decrease overnight tonight as skies clear with the passage of this low, allowing lows to cool into the teens & single digits. Ben's Weather

Since we are at nearly 7,000 ft, we may get more than the 8 inches predicted. They are saying "very cold" temps for the next few days. In fact, i'm surprised that the temp is at 29F. Of course, "very cold" for So Cal isn't at all the same as "very cold" for much of the rest of the country. Still, they are saying that tomorrow it probably won't get much warmer than 20F for the day. Overnight lows are going to be around 0F. Not cold compared to a week or more at -30F, where i grew up, but still, cold enough for those of us who have had our blood thinned by the So Cal sun. :)

The snow coming down right now looks very light (not heavy or obscuring visibility), but it is very steady and we've gotten more than an inch in the last hour.

I've not been handling the cold well the past couple of years. I don't handle heat well, either. I think it may be part of the Chronic Fatigue issues (as well as having trouble with aspirating stuff). Our house was built in the 70s and has 2 wall heaters, neither of which is very efficient. We keep the thermostat set at about 53F most of the time, turning it up when we are down in the living room if we don't have a fire going. We bundle up a lot. Even so, i frequently get chilled and have trouble warming up again. But i can't justify the expense of raising the temps on our inefficient wall heaters - we probably couldn't afford it.

Duane got a generous bonus at work for Christmas. I guess the company is doing well as so many folks buy from the internet these days. Most of that money we will put in the bank. We could blow it so easily! But we don't want to spend it. However, we have decided to use some of that money to put a direct vent heater into the house to replace at least one of our wall heaters. Someone we know put a couple of these into her place of business and her gas bill dropped by 80% ! We think that if this is true, using the same amount of gas we use now, or even less, we could heat the house to a comfortable temperature and not be so chilled all the time.

I've not taken a pic of it yet, but there is a story related to our being frugal with heat. We can't watch TV even with the heat set a bit higher and not get chilled. So we use blankets quite a lot in our house. I don't know what happened to the blanket Duane normally uses. I'm sure i'll find it before long, but it had gotten put away recently. So i pulled out an afghan my Granny crocheted for me many years ago. It is multi-colored, and still looks almost new as it hasn't gotten a lot of use.

Our cats love it! We like our cats a lot and think they like us pretty well, too, but they are not snugly most of the time. They can be affectionate and snugly, but it is always on their terms (usually when the house is very chilly) and they really are not lap cats. Jazz in particular doesn't usually sit where people can pet him easily. But since Duane has been using that afghan, Jazz can frequently be seen snuggling with him! We have noticed that as they are getting older, they can be found snuggling with the people more.

Mac was so funny the other day. The fringe from the afghan was spread out, and he treated it as if it was a new and very dangerous form of life. If you've ever seen the vids of cats that jump up and back about 2 feet when they are startled, you know exactly what he looked like.

There is a benefit to Duane getting a cold right now. He worked the full week (well, he always works a full week or more, but this was 5 full days on premises) the 14th thru the 18th so that he could take the next 2 weeks off and we would not have to go down the hill. This was planned. And during that time he took care of whatever backlog was in his "to do" box. But they are doing inventory down there and they asked if he could come help. He told them "No," that he is sick. I asked if there is anything in his job description that includes inventory, and there is not. I asked what he would be doing if he were there and he said probably simply overseeing the work that others were doing so that it would get done more efficiently. In other words, there was no justification whatsoever for him being there. However, i know him well enough that had he not been sick, when asked he would have gone.

I think he may be feeling worse than he's letting on. Also, if his cold is like the one i had a month ago, it hit me hardest on the 5th day. I don't think he got it from me. In fact, only once have we ever been sick at the same time. (Not a fun story. A friend of Duane's came to help us move and was sick and wouldn't go home. We were both so stressed we both got very ill. I was pretty angry with his friend.) So i don't know if the cold he has is the same as what i had, but it isn't gone quickly if it is the same.

His parents are talking about coming up to see us. His dad ordered a new truck a while ago, a truck with 4WD, and i think he's anxious to try it out. (It has not yet arrived.) This, of course, has me in panic mode as the house is a mess. Duane told his step-dad that he's not well, but his dad just said, "You will be by the time i get the truck." So, i guess i need to plan for company.

The pic i had of the Nativity scene yesterday was the first year (2008) when we put it on the mantle (another of Jazz's favorite spots to play). Last year we put it on top of a book case thingy we have, this pic. That was the plan for this year too, but i never got around to it.

I'm planning a give-away soon. Nothing very special. I found that i've several Christmas items i never use, and if you think you'd like them (i'll post pics) you are more than welcome to them. I have 3 Hallmark dated ornaments that i never use, and some Christmas hand towels. I don't remember what else i set aside. So, come back tomorrow and see if you're interested.

430