Updates, It is Today

 :)

My "followers" are not showing up at the top of the page.  Did everyone leave?

I've been sick.  I thought i was improving and then got much, much worse on Wednesday.  I think i'm on the upswing now.

I saw the new doc for a follow up today.  It was like seeing an entirely different person.  I don't know, but i'm guessing that the first time i saw her she wasn't talking to me so much as she was trying to impress the medical student who was sitting in.  I'm rather discouraged.  


She had originally told me that to do the hCG diet i would start with a nutritionist and be measured and plan the diet, etc.  And then have follow ups with both the doc and the nutritionist.  I was looking forward to this because as someone who eats mostly vegetarian, i was hoping for help making the diet decisions.  


Today she said, "You can do it yourself.  Order the homeopathic hCG drops (before she had told me that only prescription were worth bothering to use) and get this book and do it."  


I said, "Well, i was hoping for more support than that so i wouldn't be entirely on my own."


Her response, "Support?  What support?  I leave the office at 5 pm.  I won't be answering calls on the weekends.  What kind of support do you think you would have?  You ARE on your own."

Well, if she had told me that when i saw her on 9 April or whatever the date was, i would not have wasted a month and more.  I could have begun long ago!


Sigh.  She is right, in more ways than she can comprehend, i am on my own.  I will try her supplements, and i'll re-run blood work in August as she wants and see her for follow-up in September.  I might even do some IV vitamins (tho that is questionable; i'm not sure her staff could run an IV line for me).  But i will not expect support, or even basic knowledge from her.  If i get an infection i will treat it myself, as i have been doing.  If i have questions, i'll research them myself, as i have been doing.  I'm not sure (after her answer on this and some other serious matters) that i would trust her answers or recommendations anyway.


The big question:  Why even continue?  Well, it is like this:  I have been skipping around to doctors for the past 3+ years.  NONE of them seem to know what they are doing and they keep making recommendations i can't live with.  So i HAVE been "doing it on my own."  The down side of that is i am on disability.  I need my limitations and problems documented by a "medical health professional."   I've been with John all along, and he has been documenting this all along, and next review i will be relying on his reports/documentation.  However, he is a PhD not a MD, and so i'm not sure how much weight his report can carry.  I need a MD.  I'm going to try and stick with this MD, but i must admit that after my first visit with her, this second one was a slap in the face.  






Today is the 5th anniversary of Kaylee's due date.  If we had carried to term, we would have a child who would be celebrating her 5th birthday sometime toward the end of May or early June.  


In recent months, it has seemed like i have "imaginary children."  I did have imaginary children when i was a teen, and this feels rather similar.  The difference of course was when i was a teen i had hope of eventually having flesh and blood children.  I'm past that hope.  A friend called last week to let me know of an adoptable child, but all that does is shred my heart anew as i know we cannot, cannot, cannot take a child with my functioning at its current state.  I feel absolutely crushed and broken knowing there is a child who needs a home, that someone hopes i could take him, and i cannot.  I do not have the functioning to do basic work in our home; without nearly full-time help taking a child is an impossibility.  We cannot afford that kind of help.


I read a book recently called Heaven is For Real.  I can't begin to tell you about this book.  It was good.  And i cried for the loss of our child.  


I think, had we carried her to term, we would not have named her Kaylee.  These days i lean toward Mary.  I don't know what would have been.  Sometimes i wonder what i was even thinking about using Kaylee.  


I knew, of course, that it was because of a character on the TV show Firefly (later they made a movie with the same characters, Serenity).  But i had not watched the show in a long time and had rather forgotten my feelings (except remembering i liked the show).  


Recently we were watching some of those old shows again, and i knew right away why i wanted our daughter to be Kaylee.  On the show, Kaylee was the sweetest young lady i've ever seen.  (Think a modern version of Melanie Wilkes.)  She wasn't naive, but she was innocent in her way of dealing with people and always saw the good in folks and life was a constant joyous wonder to her and she was simply sweet.  That is what i wanted for our daughter and that is why i loved the name Kaylee, even if i forgot that later.

So, it is Today.  Tomorrow will be tomorrow.  And i take one day at a time.  Today is a rather discouraging day, but tomorrow is another day.  


456

Drivel and debris

I think part of the reason that i've had more trouble writing recently is not that i don't have anything to say, but what i have to say seems to be so inconsequential and insignificant.  Still, i have always written since i was a teen, and i need to write, even if it feels rather empty to me. 

One of the nice things about being sick is that i actually saw a 5 pound weight loss.  I didn't manage that last fall with 5 weeks of doctor-approved dieting.  It is short lived, however.  I think i've already seen a couple of those pounds return.

One of the not so nice things about this illness it is that while i had a food reaction, it may have activated some infection that i thought was not contagious but may have been.  Duane has been sick for a couple of days now.  He thinks it is different because he doesn't have the headache - but THAT may have been related to food where as all the rest was a quick-onset infection that i did pass on.  I hope not, i may have passed it on to others, too, and i hate to think anyone is ill because of me. 

It is interesting the way that blogs are not only part of "the web" but create a web of their own.  

Mali of No Kidding in NZ wrote a post on privacy and about people asking if a child was born by IVF.  That had been pinged off of the post of someone else, who had pinged from Mali to begin with.  An interwoven web.  The other post, Random Thoughts on No Kidding:  Totally stolen from folks i have no right to steal from by Bridgett, touched on a number of different thoughts.  One of the themes in both of these (my interpretation) is on curiosity and gossip and privacy.   

But what struck me in the post by Bridgett was a comment about folks who already have children and the questions they get asked:  Are you going to have another?  Do you want a boy or a girl?  Possibly even more intimate or critical questions. 

One of the things that those of us in "childless/infertility" circles deal with is about questions and criticisms.  How to deal with these?  When someone says, "Why don't you just adopt?" there seems to be an unstated criticism behind it.  Most people hear the word "just" as "simply" and the implication is that it just isn't that hard to do.  (Misconception!)  "Have you considered adoption?" seems to imply that we have not really considered all the options or given it enough thought.  And a couple of bloggers, Pamela of Silent Sorority and Lisa of Life Without Baby, have done some public work.  Both have written books and been vocal about infertility and childless/childfree lives.  

Pamela has had articles or interviews published in some fairly well known venues.  The vitriol in the comments, caustic, hateful, hostile comments, is just staggering to me.  Pamela doesn't give a full history of why they made the decisions (not to adopt) they did, but simply says, "It doesn't work for us."  And there are people who flay her open for that simple statement.  

But there is so much more behind that simple statement than anyone could begin to understand.  Duane and i have spent hours and hours looking at options, how they would effect us, if we could afford them, if we were able to parent an older child (having no experience and "older" almost always equals some emotional or other challenges), if we would be able to change our current lifestyle to take older children, if my health would allow me to function, if an agency would even consider us now that we are much older.  There are so many, many, many parts to the equation.  How do i begin to explain this to a well-meaning person who says, "Why not adopt?" or "Have you considered . . . ?"  "It doesn't work for us" is, of course, the most direct and simple way to explain it.  But people want more.  "Why - ?"  And they seem to want to criticize the reasons, too.

So, how do i distill those hours and hours of heartbreaking discussion into a simple explanation of our choices?  It isn't that i'm unwilling for the person (people i know to honestly care and aren't simply being nosy and questioning us and our choices) to know, and part of me thinks that it is good to explain and help someone else know of the complexity, but frankly, i usually just don't want to take that long and go into so much detail of something that has already seemed to last for years for me.  

How do i explain that we have come to the decision that makes the most sense for us and for our reality, but i still ache that this has to be the reality in which i live?

However, the web of which i mentioned earlier, made me aware that we live in a culture, shoot, maybe even just being human causes it, where folks can be critical about almost anything.  Yes, the childless (for me it will never be "childfree") folks come under fire for making poor choices or not adopting or being selfish.  But parents come under some harsh criticisms, too.  Have one child?  Well, that's not good.  "Why do you only want one?  Don't you know that you're going to raise a selfish child who doesn't know how to get along with the world?  Don't you know that your child will never have true family connections?"  Have more than two children, especially larger numbers?  "Why would you do that?  Don't you know that you are causing over-population on the earth?  You are being very selfish and over using rapidly decreasing resources!"  All kinds of things can be criticized or questioned:  The number of years between children, whether or not you're going to have another and whether that is a good choice for your family, your world, etc.  Child rearing is often criticized, too.  Whether or not you choose to spank or use another form of discipline.  The behavior of your kids.  

In short, i think we live in a world that likes to question, disparage, and condemn others for a multitude of reasons.  Bridgette's post made me remember that it isn't just folks without children who raise the ire and abuse of others.  

In my case, i just happen to be super-sensitive about the issues around our own choices.  I was a bit offended a few weeks ago when a cousin of Duane's said, "I sometimes think you were right in choosing not to have kids.  There are times i question our choice to have them!"  

I didn't respond, but i was a bit offended by the idea that we chose not to have children.  Sometimes i think that people confuse choosing not to have children and not wanting children.  In our minds it was not a choice, simply that we are not able to have them naturally and it is not possible for us to utilize other methods (IVF, adoption) due to my medical issues.  So it doesn't feel like a choice to me, but of course, it is.  I know that the other avenues won't work for us, so therefore i have chosen not to take those paths.  

I feel like this is a long and pointless analysis that is losing focus.  So, let me end with this:  

Lisa, of Life Without Baby, recently was part of an "Expressing Motherhood" performance.  She (and indeed, the childless community) were excited to be included in this opportunity.  She did a fantastic job. 

Here is the clip of her performance:  Expressing Motherhood  It is just under 10 minutes long and is very well done.  If you know of anyone in your life who does not have children but wanted them, please take the time to watch.  

Hope you're having a good weekend.  :)

455

This has been edited a number of times trying to get it to look right - and it is very long.  I'm done.  If it doesn't look good, something is wrong with Blogger!

Can you believe . . .

. . . it is the last day of September?

More pics of Sugarbear in the fall. I'm sure most of the leaves from the aspen will be gone when we get home Thursday.

Last week i went to a clinic called Whitaker Wellness. I think i'd heard about it before, but had forgotten. I was reading Mike Adams at Natural News & he mentioned the clinic. (Disclaimer: I read Natural News as well as Mercola. Don't comment much at either one. However, i will on occasion refer folks to Mercola, with minor disclaimer possibly. I all but NEVER refer folks to Natural News. I believe it has good info, but it has a paranoid/conspiracy flavor that makes natural health folks sound crazy - especially some of the comments - & i can't in good conscience send folks there, especially without warning of some of the content.) (Ok, having said that, this article at Natural news is worth reading. Just remember that the site itself is heavily biased with weird conspiracy theories.)

Anyway, i looked up Whitaker & it seemed to fit the criteria i was looking for. They happened to have a cancellation the day i called & so i got in quickly. I wasn't that enamoured of the doc i saw. But, the last 2 docs i saw i liked in that i saw them as "very nice people" & felt guilty that i didn't seem to like them as doctors. But this one grew on me as the time passed. And she was much more thorough in 1 hour than the last one was in over 2 hours. And she gave me a long list of treatments & things i can do & i do them at my own pace. (As opposed to "Well, let's run these labs & i'll see you back in 6 weeks. Good luck.") The list was rather overwhelming & some items expensive, but i received no pressure to do any of them. And some are very reasonable in price. Again, take charge & at my own pace.

So, i'm scheduled for a sleep study next week. Several docs & others have mentioned the possibility of sleep apnea. I've been aware of the possibility for a while. Honestly, i don't think i have it, but let's rule it out! Also, i chose a facility that does NOT sell the equipment for this. Don't want them to have any added incentive to diagnose this issue. I'll also be trying a very low dose of a med that has been found to be helpful. And i'll run labs later in the month. So over all i feel like i can be proactive in this process & maybe make some progress.

Then, coming down the hill yesterday Duane & i discussed in depth the possibility of adoption. There just are so many obstacles in the way. However, i'm afraid that if we don't at least explore options all options will soon be closed to us. I don't want 20 years to go by & us later say, "We should have . . . " So the long & the short of it is that we are going to be very open with everyone that we are researching adoption. So that should any friend, family member, or acquaintance know of someone looking to place a child we might be remembered. Or, we may consider adoption overseas, with a strong leaning toward India. We may find that in this process we feel we are not called to go forward. Adoption can be heartbreaking & much of the process is to protect the children, but often i'm told it tends to be very political as well. And, i may not even pass what they require for a health/physical. But, at least we are not passing something by. We will check into it.

Duane made an interesting comment during that discussion. I told him of that article i read & the ugly comments made by a number of folks over the statement "adoption is not for me." When i told him of the folks who protested "I love my adopted kids! Our family is not second class because we adopted!" Duane's response was that the folks must feel that way to protest with such passion & fury. We both agree that families are created in a number of ways & while we would like a "traditional" way of having a family, we don't see adoption as second best, or an unwanted option. He also said that in his mind, the folks who are "second class families" are those who unthinkingly have children they can't care for & then abuse those kids. The ones who are able to have children easily but without much thought of what goes into raising them.

One final thought on this idea of adopting: We don't want to run ahead of God. We are deciding to explore options with the faith that God will open doors for us if it the right choice for us. We expect to find that out along the way. Duane said it is like the lady who kept praying to win the lottery. Finally God spoke to her & said, "Help me out here. At least buy a ticket." I know that we could win the "lottery" without buying a ticket, but it might be that that is not how God proceeds for us.

These things are hard to say without becoming very verbose & even then i might be obtuse.

I have read a lot of blogs in the past 9 months. Three in particular stick in my mind. One was a lovely young lady who was determined to have a baby. I followed her for one cycle of IVF (it didn't take). But her statement, "I would go to Hell & back in order to have my baby & create my family" stuck like a burr in my mind. I'm not trying to be judgmental here, but i could not say the same thing. I want children very much. It may not be the best thing for me or for us. We are willing to sacrifice quite a lot to have a child, but i would not go to Hell & back. To me that is saying to God, "Give me what i want or i'm going to go take it!" Ok, been there, done that. Essentially my first marriage was me saying, "This is what i want, God, NOW BLESS IT!" That is not how things work. God is God thru out & sometimes we receive a great deal of mercy in our choices (as i have received) but telling God to bless something we've decided we want is never the best choice.

Another blog was a lady who had been thru several IVF cycles & now was 7 months pregnant. One of her comments/worries was, "How are we going to pay for all these medical bills & have the money to raise our child?"

And, yet another who had been thru IVF & had 2 or 3 children (i don't remember). And she said, "I love my kids, but sometimes i wonder what i have done?"

Now, i know of lots of others who don't have these reactions. Who are delighted with their families (& i get to see lovely pics of their little ones). So, our great concern here is that we don't get ourselves in such a situation. We don't want to tell God that we have to have this deep desire of our hearts. We desire to be led.

Yesterday, coming down the hill i was feeling pretty good. "I can do this," i thought. But by late afternoon i was really dragging & wondering how to keep going. By then i had much more doubt.

I was reminded this week that happiness is not our goal here. And it is not promised to us. When we seek to follow God & live for his glory i do believe we are given a deep sense of peace & his joy. But it does not follow that we will be given everything we think we need to create our own happiness.

So, if you are a praying person, please remember us & that we will know the right choices.

202

Two focal points

I've two things on my mind today. Gonna try to cover both. And throw in some unrelated pics because i've not done pics for a while & i miss them.

Oh, i know. I'll do pics from our honeymoon. I meant to do some & forgot. We honeymooned for about 5 days in Yellowstone Park. Then we spent 4 days in my hometown, Bozeman, Montana. We stayed at a wonderful B&B in Bridger Canyon & i fell in love with Montana all over again. Then we spent a couple of nights with my Montana Mom in Eastern Montana. I didn't get many pics of that.

One thing on my mind was that i did read some of the comments from the article i mentioned last post on life after infertility. There are 15 pages of comments & i think i read about 4 or 5. And what really astounded me, & some other folks as well, were the number of cruel comments saying "if you don't have children that your choice for you can always adopt." Many variations on this theme. Including, "if you don't adopt after you can't have your own kids then you are childless by choice." This isn't beginning to touch on how unkind some of these people were in their comments. The author of the article had merely said, "Adoption isn't for me," without giving her reasons & some folks really ripped her apart because of that.

Some comments didn't state their own choices, but some were from mamas who had adopted & saw that statement as some kind of indictment that their own families were "second best."

The honest truth is that any choice made has a number of pitfalls. And people pointed that out. Adoption can be a long, hard, painful, expensive, heartbreaking road. (As can infertility treatments.) Some folks know up front that they cannot do this. And, often folks tend to say (i know this personally) "You can always just adopt" or "Why don't you just adopt?" Someone said that "just" isn't usually used but in my experience this statement has had the word "just" 100% of the time. And the implication of that is that it is an easy path to choose. As one commenter said, "There isn't a baby store out there where you just go & pick one up."

I know i'm possibly setting myself up here, but i want to write about my views on this for my family personally. I want to record this for future reference. And hope that it will help me clarify my thinking, too.

I've never been "anti-adoption" for me, nor "anti-foster parents," either. When i was a young teen i traveled one summer with the church youth choir. We sang in various churches all over Montana & Idaho. And the church members opened their homes to us & housed us when we needed it. I remember staying with one such family that had a number of foster children. The love in that home was palpable & i wanted to have such a home myself when i grew up. They had a couple of their own children, but opened their home to children who needed it as well, & i wanted to be just like that.

Also, i had my own "unofficial foster mom" when i was 17 on. She was a lady in the church i went to (not my parents' church; i left that when i was 17) & she "adopted strays." She was so very warm & loving & open that a number of us flocked to her. She mostly was "mom" to girls - she had two boys of her own. I loved being with her & sharing & cooking & baking. I have mentioned it before, but my own mother taught me nothing in the kitchen & i so loved being with mom & learning & doing things together. I always imagined that when i had a family i would be mentor/friend to the friends of my children & have a warm, open home where many kids would love to be.

I have been present in the lives of some of my friends kids' lives, but then various things have happened (moves, broken relationships) that made it not consistent. Part of the pain i feel in seeing the doc's daughter M is not that i will see her grow up but that my relationship with them is not such that i can be included much at all. I'd love to be able to babysit for her & actively involved in watching her grow.

It goes almost without saying that of course Duane & i would like to have our own children. When i considered other options before it was with the idea that we would have some bio children & gain experience first. But in the absence of that, i've looked at other options as well.

So, i have not said "i won't adopt." In fact, last Christmas in our "newsletter" we let all our friends & family know that we are "open to adoption" & if they knew anyone who might have a child to adopt to please keep us in mind. And we've made some beginning steps that direction. I'm not going to talk too much about that, except to say that the road to adoption can be very hard, very expensive, & quite heartbreaking. There is not "just" about it. There are a number of stories that reiterate the above, but i am not going to focus on them now.

One problem with adoption is the very rare likelihood of being able to adopt a baby. Most agencies would consider us too old (& almost certainly a bio mother would).

Taking a child under the age of 5 but not an infant means taking a special needs child. Unless you are taking a family group where one child is under 5. Taking a family group with school age children is going from "0 to 60" in 2.5 seconds! We are not "experienced parents" & so we not only don't feel the confidence to do this, but we would also have to change our lives immediately. Currently we are away from home 3 school days a week. So, one of us would have to stay home (me) & be a single parent for those days. I've recently come to realize i think i'd like to homeschool, but with a young child you can work into it & prepare. To suddenly have 2 school age children who have attended day school is no place to start homeschooling.

Another issue, of course, i my health (not to mention my past history of depression). My health alone might knock us out of the running with an adoption agency, but even if it didn't i have to be aware that taking older children is going to be an immediate drain on me. Taking a baby would be an immediate drain, too, but babies don't move around a lot at first. I think i would be able to adjust, some, as the baby grows. Taking older children doesn't give me any adjustment period.

There are lots of folks who also encourage us to foster kids, but some of them don't realize how difficult that can be. Someone told me recently that our county is desperate to find new foster homes because they are short. I know that this is true. However, what a lot of folks don't know is that part of the reason they are so short on foster homes is that people who have done foster care for years are leaving the program because new rules have made it so difficult & problematic.

Also, we would be limited to young ones in the foster care system because i would not be able to stay home with the school aged ones. Also my ILs house would have to be certified, & i simply can't see that happening. She has a garage full of chemicals & a house stuffed with furniture. And no room, from the foster agency's perspective, to put a child.

Of course, many of the same issues that were there for adopting an older child or family group are also in play with the foster system. And, fostering is considered temporary. The goal is usually to reunite the children with their parent(s). I did contact an agency up here. They have mostly school aged children & were frank that their goal is not adoption but reuniting. (I was trying to check in a "foster to adopt" program.)

Of course Duane & i want to be parents. We would like that to occur naturally, but if not, then however. And if we don't become parents, we still would like to be involved in the lives of children. I've looked into a number of options on this issue. Generally the easiest way is thru family - nieces & nephews or children of close friends. However, the fact is that the folks we know with children are not all that close to us - physically or spiritually/emotionally - & so we will only be peripheral in the lives of these children.

But there are a number of other ways. One is thru church. Except our church is mostly retired folks & there are very few children who attend. Other is thru groups in the area. I've checked into that some, & there isn't one thing that stands out. Besides, groups might work well for Duane, but i don't do so well with them. I looked into "mentoring" like Big Brother/Big Sister programs. There are none in BB, but it might be possible in OC, the problem is we are never in OC on weekends when most kids have time. I have called a couple of agencies & usually received little help. They all have encouraged me to do the "official thing" - foster care. Some have told me that a mentoring program will set me up to be taken advantage, not so much by the children as by their parents. There are a couple of other things i want to check into, however.

My point is that i've given this a lot of thought. Saying "adoption doesn't work for us" (at least right now) is not a statement lightly said. Honestly, i believe most people who make this statement go thru a lot of soul searching to reach this place. It doesn't have any indication that i think it is "second rate" or inferior in creating a family. Families are created in a lot of ways. Honestly, Amrita of Yesu Garden spoke of a man in India who has an orphanage in India & feeds many cast off children. It made me think, why don't we adopt from there? I've always been fascinated by India. Now i have no clue of the repercussions of such a thing. I've never seen India on a list of places where folks adopt children. A lot of folks support children there thru religious organizations.

But again, we are not ready to make that step right now.

And one of the big reasons is that of my health. Which leads to the second point, how on earth do i find a doctor who is capable of guiding me?

I found the acupuncturist, Kathy, with whom i work thru an internet search. I love her & she is terrific. I also found Kim, the physical therapist who does CranioSacral work thru an internet search. And i adore Kim. But some of my other searches have not worked so well. I tried finding a Naturopathic Doctor online. There were so many & their websites so involved that i got bogged in information overload. I finally chose this one. I think she is very nice, but i didn't feel very comfortable with her at all. Still, i ventured on & spent probably around $900 seeing her. She did diagnose a couple of different issues, but in terms of helping me improve we made no progress.

So i waited about a year. During that time i did a number of online searches & frequently hit info overload. Or as Trent at Simple Dollar said in a recent post: "analysis paralysis." In fact his quote, on another matter (giving as in supporting a charity), seems quite apropos here:

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming – there are so many things out there that deserve a gift that it’s easier to fall into “analysis paralysis.” You can’t decide, so you choose to do nothing at all.

I've found that there are so many docs out there that it is difficult to narrow it down. Do i go with a Rheumatologist or Endocrinologist? I found a website where folks were sharing doc info, but most of them were looking for docs to give them opioid for pain. And i'm not being critical here, for some folks are in a lot of pain, but i want a doc who uses meds as an absolute last resort. I want to find someone who will work with me to discover what the problem is & how we can correct it, if possible. If it can't be corrected then fine, i will adapt. But the way current conventional medicine works will never take me to where i want to go. I need someone who sees outside the box.

I was hoping the newest doc would be that person. But i don't believe so. I was uncomfortable with his approach, too. But rather than spend $900 or more & several months deciding that, i've decided to walk away. His push for the flu vaccine was what pushed me over. If you believe the flu vaccine will build your immune system or help you in any way, i've got a great bridge to sell you, except, wait, your doc has already sold that one to you. If this doc is promoting the flu vaccine, which is of no use at all, then he is thoroughly enmeshed in conventional medicine.

The problem is, where do i go from here? As someone said to me recently, "This is very expensive shopping." Oh boy, & don't i know it! I've a couple of leads. A nurse practioner in San Diego County, or an Endocrinologist in OC who has been recommended. The NP is reasonably priced & into alternative meds but i don't know if she can help me. The Endocrinologist is recommended by someone i trust, but she is VERY expensive. The insurance i do have will not be a help. There is someone else, a psychiatrist actually, in San Diego County who is said to be the "foremost specialist" in fluoride poisoning from meds (Cipro & Prozac, among many others, are fluoride based). I could consult with this guy, but he will not be able to oversee all that i need. And while he is alternative in many ways, he still prescribes meds routinely. Or, there is a doc my sis loves quite a lot who is a MD but does alternative practice. But she also is very, very expensive. And looking over her website i am aware that she won't be holistic in that she wants the person to have another doc for a primary care person.

I'm like, excuse me? You want me to spend upward of $1,000 to see you AND have another doc i pay for primary care????

This last week the acupuncture doc recommended a kelp supplement. She doesn't sell one. So i was at the health food store considering it, & decided against it. I have a HUGE number of supplements currently. I have 3 baskets 12 inches x 12 x12 filled with supplements. If i were taking all that i feel i need on a daily basis, i would be taking about 40 pills a day. I can't do it. I need someone to help me look at the big picture & help me decide where to put my money, which supplements are the ones i really require, & how to put this all together.

I'm a big advocate of alternative or complementary care, but i have to say, this isn't easy, it isn't easy at all. Working with an insurance, i wouldn't have to outlay a minimum of $250 to change & interview a new doc. It wouldn't be such a pain to change docs or try to find a new one. I'm definitely hitting "analysis paralysis" & am having a hard time going forward.

So, that is the second issue. Even if you're bored by this, the pics are lovely.

BTW, all pics here were taken by Duane. Many of the pics i've posted recently of Sugarbear have been taken by yours truly, but our older pics were all done by Duane. All of these are from Yellowstone. I'll save the ones from Bozeman for another day. We stayed at the Old Faithful Inn (in the oldest part, our room was the dormer in the middle in one of the above pics, & our bathroom was shared, down the hall!) It was the 100 year anniversary of when the old inn was built.

We didn't get many pics of the hot pools for it was too cold & windy so that the steam & ripples obscured their depths. That was a disappointment for they are utterly breathtaking. We also didn't get to see the Tetons. Duane had never been there before & the day we were there was cloudy & over cast (& it snowed) so that the mountains were never visible.

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