Life is Good

A lot changes a lot in seven months. 

(I'm referring to the last post)

First off, we don't have Pepper anymore.   I didn't have the energy to handle her well or give her what she needed, and Duane didn't have the time.  It was really hard, but her trainer took her, and i think she loves it.  She has sisters to play with all day.  I haven't posted that publicly at Facebook.  It was too hard to talk about.  (And we pretty much have decided any dog would be more than i could handle.  Cats suit me/us much better.)

I've been doing a series at Facebook i'm calling "Life is Good."  I had intended it to be for 100 days, i'm thinking i'll go for a year.  I wanted to explain why i was doing it, but i didn't want my explanation to distract from what i want to be the focus.  I also think i am writing a post longer than i want there, and i didn't want to impose this on anyone.

That is the preamble.  Here is the story:

A while back i was really struggling to try and be optimistic.  I BELIEVE in positive thinking and that words have power in how we feel, but sometimes maintaining a cheerful attitude is a challenge.  

I was bemoaning my situation to someone i know, Rick, and he said, "When i am really struggling, i just remember life is good."  

And my self-involved response was, "MY  life is good?"

Rick's response, "No, no!  LIFE is good."  And he told me about reading an article on how we are made from stardust from far away.  I didn't follow his explanation very closely, i'm afraid.  I think he was talking about something like this from National Geographic.  He said that he just thinks this a true miracle and makes him think, "Life is good."

When he began talking, the first thing i thought of was how amazing our green trees look against the blue, blue sky.  

Somehow, the beautiful green (and sometimes in the autumn the gorgeous reds, oranges, and yellows) against the blue sky is calming to me, peaceful, amazing.  When i first think "Life is good," in a broader sense, outside of me, the first thing i think of is green trees against a deep blue sky.  

Now, i don't want anyone to think i don't appreciate things in my life.  I do.  The list of what i appreciate is very long.  The list of limitations and things i can't do is very long, too.  Sometimes it is hard to live with.  Also, it is too easy to focus on the negatives in life.  My feed at Facebook is full of sad, disturbing, appalling things.  Children abused, our earth devastated, dangerous corporations influencing our corrupt government, people treating other people in abhorrent ways.  I feel it important that i not put my head in the sand and ignore all this, but without balance reading all this is like wading through sewage while drinking water that is 1/4 salt.  

On top of all of this, each and every day i feel inept and powerless with the limitations i fight.  
  

There HAS to be balance or life begins to look ugly, barren, and evil.  So i quite took to Rick's suggestion to look at LIFE as good.  Not my life, not what is happening in the world, but LIFE - the stars and the trees and the seasons and the things i'm thankful for and kittens playing and so much more.  I see it as "let's look at things in perspective."  Yes there is bad, evil, frustrating, harmful, noxious, disheartening, repugnant, horrid, discouraging, wicked things happening each and every day.  But the bigger perspective is that while fighting all those things and dealing with the norms of everyday living, it is important to remember the good in life.  

Now, i've not done this perfectly.  In my mind, to do it perfectly would be to do it in an unbiased manner, not letting myself intrude much.  But i have not.  Every post is my opinion or interests after all.  Sometimes i've gone farther and stated things for which i'm grateful.  And recently, in looking for an old photo, i scrolled through all the pics i've used since i began this project.  They all made me smile; i am so glad i did this.  

Someone who did this really well, far better than i, was Sara Frankl (Gitz).  I followed her blog, Choose Joy, while she was alive.  I guess her sister has kept it going, but i haven't followed since Gitz died (five years ago now).  That girl was amazing.  She lived each and every day in pain, housebound, with far more limitations than i, and she lived and glowed her "Choose Joy" motto with grace and style.  She also had far more faith than i.  Her faith seemed to sustain her in ways i don't understand.  To me, she was a hero no doubt.  

I am not a hero.  I'm an everyday person trying to handle what life throws at me.  I'm graced by a wonderful, loving, caring, thoughtful husband.  And supportive family and friends.  And i'm trying to look at life from a positive (or at least balanced) perspective.  And i'm sharing with with friends who care on Facebook.  

Thank you for reading, for caring, for being a friend.  Life IS Good ! 

I don't want to go into this with very much detail, but this is my reality:  Because the seizures have been random, Duane and i decided it simply isn't safe for me to drive.  DMV would have already pulled my license had i been reported.  As i have not lost it legally, i have chosen to voluntarily not drive.  With rare occasion exception - only within a couple of miles from home if i'm feeling very well - i do not drive.  I've not driven into town in over a year.  It is hard.  From a young age, driving has been my definition of independence and autonomy.  

I do not carry a diagnosis at this point that is helpful.  Technically, it is ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis / chronic fatigue syndrome), but it is likely more than that or something different.  This is also idiopathic, meaning there is no known cause.  I believe it is also iatrogenic, meaning i believe the medical treatment given me in the past (which i agreed to and therefore shoulder blame) is most of the cause.  

I can only be upright for a few hours a day.  If you meet me in town or at a knit group or at church you wouldn't know that i'm using ALL my energy to be out and about.  I can do some things.  But keeping up with the bare basics of housework is the extent of what i can do most of the time.  If you happen to come to my house, you will almost certainly see me in the recliner, waving you in through the sliding glass door.

At times i feel sorry for myself, and at times i'm depressed.  It is a struggle each and every day.  But i have NOT given up hope.  Depression is not the biggest factor here.  I continue to try new treatments and hope for answers.  I WANT to do things.  Part of the frustration is that if i go do the things i want to do, i have no energy left and it takes days to recover.  I still want to live, but i have to balance my need to live and do things with my ability to actually do them and not dig myself into a hole.   (And, i love you, but please don't immediately give advice.  We have spent so much money on everyone's pet treatments.  I don't have the heart to list what i've tried so far.)  

If you want a better idea of what i'm fighting, you can read this:  The Spoon Theory (but you don't look sick)  I do not have lupus.  I was tested for that, again, recently.  But the limitations i fight are similar.  

It isn't perfect.  She implies that "normal people" have unlimited energy.  She actually states, ". . . when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply . . . " (of energy).  I think this idea is a downfall because the reality is everyone gets tired and reaches the end of the day thinking they just can't do more.  But beyond that, i think she has a good (long) statement here.  

Sifting thru

life!

I've been busy.  We had company a couple of times in July.  I LOVE having company, but am not sure how much i will be able to do this in the future.  I am running up against my limitations more frequently these days.  I won't be able to do events (like the currently running OC fair or the BB Antique Car Show) any more without a wheelchair.  I'm not sure how to make changes with company, but i need to.  I tried doing a ladies Bible study recently and found that with my other obligations, getting ready to leave for OC the following day, and the timing - i can't do it.  It simply takes all my energy.  


So, i think i am trying very hard to come to terms with my life such as it is.  And it IS a good life.  I can still do so much, especially compared to others who are disabled.  But it is also hard to run up against limitations of wanting to do something and simply not being able.  I'm not talking about climbing mountains, either!  Just gardening and visiting with friends.  


I was talking with Duane on our drive down Tuesday.  I was telling him that i don't think travel is something we will be able to do (other couples who are childless tend to travel quite a bit or have other activities in their lives). While discussing this i was hit with an overwhelming homesickness (i'm homesick for Montana mostly in the summer).  It also occurred to me that as i seem to be losing functioning, if we don't do it now, we might never be able to.  I could get better, i hope i get better, i want to get better, but there is the possibility i 
could get worse.  


So, if all things work out well, we are taking a quick trip to Montana late this month and early September.  The plan is to actually camp 2-3 of those nights, to spend nights with friends/family 3 nights, and in a motel 2-3 nights.  I don't know if we can do this, but i do know i want to try.  

I've been on the search for a doctor.  Not that i'm really hoping they can do much for me, but i do need this documented.  Saw someone here in BB.  Duane went with me and at first we both were pleasantly surprised with his answers - until i spoke of CFIDS/ME and disability.  Then he let us know - reading between the lines but clear none the less - that he thinks the majority of people on disability are malingering.  Oh.  Thanks.  


So i found another alternative med doc in OC, spent ten hours filling out her paperwork, and have hit a stall because i'm not willing to sign arbitration forms.  I think it is largely a moot area, for i can't see myself ever suing anyone (haven't yet in my life).  So, why not just sign them?  Because it is signing away Constitutional rights and my position is that we have lost too many already and are losing more each day.  I'm not willing to blithely sign them away.  I am quite willing to sign releases on things individually.  I'm happy to sign that i am aware that certain minerals, vitamins, and herbals are not "standard treatment" and that i'm willing to take the risk and other things like this.  But not a  free for all signing away my rights.  


I have also come across numerous websites of fluoroquinoline antibiotic poisoning (Cipro and Levaquin are two of these).  I had honestly thought it was the fluoride in the Cipro that did all the damage.  It might very well be.  But these antibiotics have done tremendous damage to many people.  I was aware that they have caused tendon degeneration that people have had difficulty healing from, but there is much, much more. There is a black box warning on them about rupturing tendons and also "worsening of myasthenia gravis symptoms" - muscle weakness.  In fact, i have to count myself one of the lucky ones because some of these folks are completely bed-bound, unable even to transfer themselves to a wheelchair without assistance.  

(So, i wasn't able to load the pic i wanted, but this is what i use.  You can find it at hCG 1234 website.)

On the positive side of this, i lost 15.5 pounds on the hCG diet and maintained the loss thru 3 weeks of "maintenance" and another week of "normal eating."  I also discovered that sugar can trigger a migraine for me.  And that gluten was probably doing more damage than i was willing to admit.  So even "normal diet" will not be including sugar (much) or gluten, or probably grains much at all, except as the rare occasional treat.  This is the diet i had been striving for, but was having such a hard time achieving.  


I began round 2 this past Monday, the actual diet began on Wednesday.  I have lost 3 pounds so far.  


Duane did the first round with me and lost 20 pounds.  I'm on my own this time as he has no more to lose.  His mother is doing this, too, but she isn't following the diet very carefully and is not losing as fast.  Still, in 3 weeks she lost 9 pounds and 7 inches (as measured by Curves).  The lady at Curves was very excited, thinking she had done it by exercise alone.
  
So, i am very pleased to be losing weight for the first time in 10 years.  I plan to do one more round after this one to get down to the weight i want to be.  :)  A nice benefit of the hCG drops is that i sleep better while taking them, too.  


I've much more to say, of course.  I always do!  About my projects and other things, but this is already long and i'll save it for the next post. 






463

Silence

I've been quiet here for a while now.  It is not because i have nothing to say!  I always have things to say.  :)

The problem is that i'm really struggling to accept my life as it is, and i tend to be negative about it.  I'm also struggling with a lot of anger.  It seems i get angry so easily these days.  I hate these feelings!


I do tend to be a negative person - tho i prefer to consider myself an optimistic realist - but i fight the negativity.  I could not by a long shot call myself optimistic.  I do think that folks who are optimists are born that way.   The rest of us can strive to be positive and have a sunny outlook, but it does not come easily or naturally.  I work at having a positive view point, but it is a struggle.  I don't know why.


I prefer not to speak negatively.  Therefore, i have been silent.  


The problem i am struggling with is that it is hard to balance the negatives with the positives.  There is so much good in my life.  Anyone who reads here knows i have a husband who loves me very much and whom i love.  We have a good marriage and a good life.  We like our lifestyle and have a reasonably good relationship with most of our family.  We are not rich or affluent, but we have enough to meet our needs and that is more that most of the world can say.  We are happy.


Yet, it is never going to stop hurting that we are not going to have children.  People, well-meaning people who say, "God must have known you couldn't handle children" or any number of other well-meaning but painful statements, just can't understand.  I know, too well, my limitations.  I know that i don't have a clue how we would or could care for a child given my daily limitations, but that doesn't mean the desire for a family goes away!  Somehow the wonderful gifts we have don't change the pain of what we so deeply desire but will never have. 


We have had a busy 3 weeks.  It has been good, but as i didn't rest as much as i should have, i also have been struggling to function.  I am finding that i spend so much time in bed resting not because i am lazy, or i don't push myself enough, or because i want to, but because if i do not rest i cannot function in the life Duane and i have created.  If i continue doing so, i am going to reach a point where i can no longer live the life that we so love and cherish.  I have to accept this, but at times i really resist the chains i feel these limitations to be.  I guess i have wanted to believe that if i just pushed myself enough, or whatever, that i really could do what i wanted/needed to, but i am finding that not to be true.


It is also so hard because it is hard for other people to see, accept, understand.  I LOOK so normal!  Everyone feels tired at times.  Most folks just can't comprehend that each and every day for me is like getting over a really bad flu - the fever is gone, but the weakness, the fatigue persists.  Rest helps a little bit usually, but it never goes away.


It is never going to stop hurting me to see someone's pregnant belly or hear what a miracle it is to feel the baby kicking or to see their first smile, etc., etc.  I have to accept this.  It is never going to stop being hard that i live with the fatigue of a 90 year old woman.  I have to accept this and live with it.


I AM blessed each and every day that i am not bed-ridden all the time.  I can still drive, shop, do crafts, visit people, work 4-5 hours a week, and live a good life.  I don't forget these blessings or take them for granted.  


But i am really struggling with the reality of my life and trying to accept it. 





444

Post script at 7.20 pm:  Ok, here is a balancing perspective on life:  Gitz.  I am frequently envious of Sara's faith and optimism.   I am NOT and never will be envious of her limitations.  Yet, while my limitations are not as severe, i certainly understand her frustrations and feelings as finding that her limitations are growing and beginning to consume her life.  It is hard for me to compare our situations without feeling badly, because she is much more severely limited than am i.  But the realization that your body will no longer do as you ask it or try to push it to do is similar.  


Post script two:  I often have pages open for days and days because if i close them i forget, but if i bookmark them they often go down a black hole as i forget to look at those, too.  This is from Wikipedia about the book The World According to Garp.  For some reason i was thinking about that old movie the other day.  This sentance, "The story is decidedly rich with (in the words of the fictional Garp's teacher) "lunacy and sorrow", and the sometimes ridiculous chains of events the characters experience still resonate with painful truth." caught my attention and resonated with me.  It does seem so often that the world is full of "lunacy and sorrow."

More of the same

It was hot in OC this week, tho not as hot as Monday.  It was also more humid than normal as moisture was moving in.  I was very thankful to be coming home yesterday.

 
On our way home yesterday, we passed several trees that are turning.  We aren't into "full color" yet (and our "full color" is never anything like the East coast).  But there are a lot of beautiful yellows and we passed several stunning pictures.  When we are coming home, stopping for anything is a challenge.  We want to be at Sugarbear!


So i haven't any new pics to share.  Plus, blogger or Google or something just informed me i haven't any space to upload any more pictures without buying the space.  We will see if this is true.  These pics are ones i took last fall.  They were on my blog last year, but, that was a year ago!  Anyhoo, reproduced pics.  :)


It rained last night.  I think the squirrels are appreciative of the nuts i put out this AM.  They've not been coming around too much recently.  I think they are stealing the pinion pine nuts and aren't as interested in my offerings.

We went together to see the doc on Tuesday.  A lot was said, but (as brief as i can be) i've got a lot of inflammation in my body (no surprise to me, i've been in a lot of pain especially tactile allodynia), & i show positive for h. pylori bacteria.  (This is the bacterial implicated in many if not most stomach ulcers.)  

Doc said that this bacteria is implicated in many other conditions including heart failure.  I've not found many articles saying that, but there are a few with the heart disease issue.  Antibiotics are an option for this.  However, he said that antibiotics clear maybe 60% of this, while he's found herbs to clear 80%.  Antibiotics are never my choice of course.  The down side is that herbals take longer, like 4 months.  Of course, some people end up on antibiotic therapy that can last months, too.

He also recommended an herbal that i take for inflammation.  It is taken twice a day on an empty stomach with a 16 oz water push, because we want it to move quickly from the stomach to small intestine.  He's also recommending an herbal to help with carb cravings.  Oh, and Vitamin D, but i already take that.  I just need to up my dose (and be sure i do it daily, which is a big issue for me).  


So, we are going to follow the instructions for a 3 month trial period.  The fact is i've been in more pain the past few days.  I'm thankful that it worked out that i've only started one new supplement, because it seems to be causing some issues.  It made me realize that starting 4 things all at once would not be a good idea.  Also, Cindy (dear friend who also sees this doc) suggested starting small and working up to his recommendations.  Too much too soon can create problems as well.

Duane is kind of freaking that i'm not taking the h. pylori herbs yet.  He sees heart-failure impending for me!  I've told him that a week won't make a difference.  H. pylori is contagious, we were informed.  Duane needs to be tested, too, to be sure he hasn't got it.  If he does, he will probably go with antibiotics to treat.  Also, he needs to be treated, for if he has it i'll just get it again.  I guess the urgency is there in me, too, for the other night i dreamed that after being tested the docs told Duane he had to come in immediately when they got the test results.  The idea was that his infection was dire and urgent.  So if i'm dreaming that for him, i guess i'm concerned.  We need to get an appointment for him soon.  I think it is 3 years since he last had a general check up.


I saw John yesterday and wasted most of my time moaning about the food issues.  But it did occur to me, while speaking to him, that change that comes about gradually can be overlooked.  (I see this all the time with my clients.  "Are you feeling better since i saw you last week?"  "Oh no, i'm about the same."  "So you still hurt in your shoulder/leg/back/etc.?"  Surprised look on their faces.  "Ah, no, i haven't had that this week.  Humm, i guess i am better.")  So John and i discussed charting pain and energy levels for the next few months.  Then i can compare, and if i really need a visual, to do a graph.  When i mentioned this to Duane, he suggested tracking sleep, too.  Which is a good idea.  

I don't think i'll do this every day.  That would get overwhelming and bring me a huge amount of data.  I think if i chart on Tuesday (the day we go down the hill, but also record how active i was over the weekend), Thursday (the day we come home, but also record how busy i was at work and on Thur. which is the day i tend to run a lot of errands), and Saturday (after a day of rest on Friday), that this will give me the info i need to keep track.  


I'm still bummed and whinging/whining about food, but i'll adjust and adapt.  It just takes a change of mindset.  I've already informed Duane that for a week or so at least he is "on his own" for food as i just can't cope.  I don't like that, frankly, because he isn't good at eating at proper times or choosing the healthiest food.  Until i have down what i'm going to do, however, it is just too overwhelming to try to do meals for both of us.  


Y'all have a lovely day.  We have the most beautiful weather following the storm last night.  The sun is shining with blue, blue, blue skies, a few puffy clouds, 69 F, humidity at 33% (which is high for us), low last night was only 49 (about as high as i've seen it since mid-summer).  It is a glorious day.  :)

386

Down the hill

Yesterday Los Angeles had the highest temperature ever recorded (since they began keeping track, sometime in the 1880s) at 113F.  Several other cities have hit record highs, too.  It has even been "hot" in Big Bear.  We were having typical September weather for here:  Highs in the 60s and 70s, lows in the 30s and 20s (we had 3 days of lows between 24 and 26).  But we are having a heatwave with a couple of days at 82 (the high for all of this very cool summer was 84; since we've lived here BB has never had a day above 91, and that was a one day thing), the lows only in the low 40s.

Today we have to go down into that heat.  It is expected to "cool" by a couple of degrees from yesterday, but remain hot for several days.  Sigh.  I'd stay home if i could, but i can't.

Thank y'all for the kind remarks on the baby issue.  I didn't mean for the post to regress to that, but it did.  I'm really struggling to come to peace on this; to have someone pop up (casually) and offer to surrogate for us puts me in a tailspin because i am not at peace.  It is a roller coaster.  Thank you for not slamming me about it.   


Yesterday i took pics of the baby bibs i made (most of them).  If i've time later today i'll post them.  Also got some more pics of the blanket i made because the pics i did before didn't show the colors all that well.  Don't know if what i did yesterday will be any better, however.  I plan to drop off those things this week.  

We have to leave this AM a little earlier than we normally do (we are pretty casual about when we leave on Tuesday, except the occasion when we have to be somewhere at a certain time).  We are both going to see new doc.  My appointment is at 11.30.  So, we will soon know what his recommendations are based on the mess from the tests.  I know how to "read" those tests, in general, but i don't know how to see patterns and/or how to put together a treatment from the jumbled mess i've seen.





383

More like other people?

Duane is off the hill again this weekend, doing a fun day with his SAR pals.  It is not an official SAR event.  Next weekend we'll go to OC on Sunday to celebrate his (step) grandma's 91st birthday.  The following weekend he has a 3 day SAR event/training.  He meant to go to this one last year, and had been very much looking forward to it, but he got the weekend wrong.  Last year he had just joined SAR.  Not knowing many folks, no one called him to say, "Where are you?"  This year if he had the weekend wrong, tho we are sure he doesn't, someone would call to say, "Where the #@$ are you?" 


I know this is mostly Duane being busy, but it does feel like we are a bit more like "normal people."  


I was pretty exhausted when we got ready to go down on Tuesday, however.  Monday i took N's youngest, Joshua, for an hour.  We just went to the park and he played.  I don't feel it was stressful.  Still, just being up tends to wear me out.  N is coming today.  The house is quite a mess, and i'm looking forward to having it look better without wearing me out too much.  


Yesterday i spent a lot of time reading about Laura Hillenbrand and Sophia Wilson.  Both of these young women have ME/CFS/CFIDS.  Or had, in Sophia's case.  She died of complications in 2005.  Both have/had extreme cases of the disease.  I do not have such extremity.  I've only had one day when i really could not get out of bed.  Reading about them helps me a lot with gratitude, but it can be a bit sobering as these cases both detail that often ME/CFS/CFIDS folks don't get better, or if they do it is with much work.  Many folks with this are upset the gov't doesn't do more to address it.  The Awful Disease Washington Forgot.  And of course, many of us have spent years having doctors tell us that we've made it up, we're "just depressed," that it is a psychological illness.  Often, we are depressed.  But that usually arrives long after we've been told for years and years and years that we don't really have any physical illness, we are simply "looking for attention." Twenty-five Random Facts about CFIDS. 

I got the results from my tests last week, tho i don't see the doc again until Tuesday.  I'm a bit discouraged over what i can or can't eat.  Some of the items, i'm like, "Okay!  I don't have to force myself to eat that 'healthy' food anymore!"  (Cauliflower, lettuce, peppers.)  But others i'm thinking, "So what will i eat for protein?"  (Pinto and navy beans, lentils, eggs, tomatoes.)  

We were at Sam's Club on Thursday PM.  (Needed new tires for the Honda.)  We don't shop there much and i'm not a big fan of Walmart.  But we had time to kill and were perusing the store.  Except it is much too big for me to cover.  They have motorized carts there.  So i used one of those.  I have to say, i feel very embarrassed and visible using the cart.  I LOOK fine.  But at the end of the time i felt a sense of freedom, too, because i hadn't expended my energy just walking around and killing time.  (We didn't buy anything but the tires.)  I was already fairly exhausted before we got there, and i wouldn't have had anything left had i tried to do anything at the store.  As it was, i didn't do any of the driving on the way home.    


With N coming to clean today, i'm hoping to have the energy to organize the crafts i've got planned, and actually do some work.  I need to get a bunch of the baby bibs made.  Here are pics of the ones i made before.  They are fingertip towels (not hand towels, which are too big), with a hole cut for the head, and ribbing or knit (i had trouble finding good ribbing this time) to create a neck hole where you simply pop the bib over the baby's head.  Fingertip towels can be expensive.  Several of the ones i have currently were not cheap.  But usually i can buy them inexpensively at Kmart after the holidays.  It seems they tend to get in a lot of them for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  After the holidays i can often buy them for 50 cents or a dollar.  I cut the hole where the decoration (often a Christmas tree or Santa Claus) was placed, and then decorate the bib with lace and ribbon or an iron on patch.  


I'm more than 80% finished on my niece's yellow baby blanket.  I'm going to send the blanket and bibs and possibly some other items to her soon.  Her baby is due in early November.  The other blanket (in the middle of this post) is done.  I want to send some bibs, too.  This blanket is for the daughter of a friend of mine.  She isn't due until the end of October, but she has preeclampsia, and my friends noted on FB last night that she was being induced.  So these things won't arrive until after the baby comes.  Both of these are expecting girls.  I need to do some boy bibs, too, for some other friends who had boys earlier.  


Need to get up and started!  If i have good pics later i'll post them. 

381

Crash & burn

When i listed all the things i want to do this week, i was pretending i'm "normal."  Sigh.


I did go to the knitting group yesterday, but not the cooking demo.  Went to the bank, and then had lunch.  (Sizzler salad bar the best - the only - one in town.  Good choices, tho not organic, and the mixed salads have allergy info tho i rarely eat what they've mixed, anyway.  I think if you have a good choice of stuff for a salad, dressing isn't needed.  I never miss it, tho i'm sure their salad dressings are full of stuff i want to avoid, so i wouldn't want them anyway.)  Reading a book while taking my time over a salad is one of my joys in life.  :)


Got pizza for Duane on my way home.  Spent almost all the rest of the day in bed.  I felt like i'd been run over by a Mack truck.  I didn't think i was over doing things, but i was wrong.  


I am almost done with the baby blanket, however.  The art project is also coming along, but i'm realizing that it wasn't a good choice for me, energy-wise.  Too much work with it, while knitting can be done while i relax.  


Ah, well.  I'm spending most of the AM resting, too, for later today.  N is going to come and help some tomorrow, too.  





375

This week

Well, Elsa arrived Saturday before noon.  We had a lovely weekend.  We went to town for lunch.  We stopped in the Village because i wanted to go to the scrapbook store for some paper.  She & i worked in her room (cat-free) for most of the afternoon.  She's making a baby quilt for Ellen (wish i'd taken a pic of it) & i was using the paper for an art project.  We later got some tamales from a restaurant we like & brought them home.  Watched TV in the evening.   


Sunday we went to the ELCA church.  Then to our "after Church" routine of eating at Mountain Munchies.  We spent some of the afternoon garage sale-ing.  Came home & rested.  Duane & i made dinner.  We had pasta (quinoa) & Alfredo sauce, with mushrooms & broccoli.  Duane & Elsa also had biscuits & blackened chicken.  (I still need to clean the kitchen.  Today's goal.)  Watched more TV.


Oh, i also learned that Elsa does read my blog (i didn't know that) so i need to watch what i say!


She left Monday about 9 AM & i went to the knitting group.  Also did a little shopping in town.   Rested on Monday PM & did some on the art project.


Yesterday we went to the Farmer's Market.  Also picked up some items at the hardware store.  Ran a hose to water our plants more efficiently.  I spent much of the afternoon resting as i was bone tired.  Evening we watched TV & i worked on the art project.

(My computer quit on me today; i'm finishing this with Duane's.  No telling how long mine will be out of commission.)

Today we went to the movies at noon.  Then stopped for lunch.  Also a couple of other errands.  I'm still working on the art project, & am working at finishing the one baby blanket.  Hopefully by this weekend i'll have pics of both to post.  


Tomorrow i've got another knitting group.  Also i might go to the cooking demo at noon.  Depends on if i can find someone to join me.  :)  I've so many projects i want to work on this week.  Colder weather is suppose to be moving in tonight & tomorrow.  The high tomorrow is suppose to only be in the 50s, the low tonight &/or tomorrow night in the 20s.  (I started this in the morning, but because of the computer problem, i'm finishing now at nearly 11 PM.  According to the service we check, it is 49F out right now.)


Friday is our anniversary.  Not sure what we'll do during the day, but in the evening (well, 5.30) we have reservations for a fairly nice place in town, The Peppercorn.  


Saturday Duane is going down the hill to do helicopter training for SAR.  He is excited.  


Those are the plans thus far.  Not sure about Sat/Sun/Mon.  


The visit with the new doc went quite well.  I felt none of the red flags go up that i experienced with other docs recently.  He very much "gets it" for the fatigue & other issues.  I think he is reasonably familiar with the condition.  There are some areas of which he may not be as aware as i'd hope, but all indications are that he is willing & interested in learning.  I had a ton of blood drawn, & an appointment to see him again at the end of the month to go over those results.  We did have to pay out of pocket for some of the tests as my insurance (which i rarely use) wouldn't pay for them, but Duane & i decided that it would be best to have them run.  We feel that not to run tests he requests would be to tie his hands in trying to help me.


One of the tests is for food sensitivities.  I'll be honest, i'm a bit concerned about that one.  Frankly, it feels like my diet is already so very limited.  If i have to give up eggs, cheese, dairy in general, or nightshades, it will feel like i've not much left.  However, i do need to keep in mind that if it would help my functioning, then it would be worth it.  Also, that a week or two will not be enough time to evaluate.  I have the bad habit of not seeing a change after a short time, giving up.  I'm trying to keep in mind about what Dr. Cheney said about it taking at least a year.  Sigh.  :)  Rome wasn't built in a day, neither is good health after years of garbage.  (Not recent, but certainly in my 20s & 30s.)


When i was in town yesterday, i saw 2 different families at K-Mart.  Each had a child about the age our Kaylee would be.  They also had a younger one & the mama was pregnant as well.  I still find it hard.  I think i always will find it hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  Yeah, i know, life is unfair.  

Then it hit me, with our anniversary coming up, we got pregnant with Kaylee right before our first anniversary.  It has been 5 years.  We lost her in October.  Five years!  It is hard for me to believe.  Have had 2 other very early losses.  I guess i always thought that if i was just patient, if we just "waited on the Lord" it would happen for us.  It is quite clear now that it never will. 

I'm late, quite late this month.  But i think that this is the start of what used to be called "the change of life."  When i've been pregnant before, i had very clear symptoms, particularly that my sense of smell was incredibly acute, almost super-human it seemed to me.  Nope, nada.  Of course, with my current functioning, i don't know how i'd even manage to carry a baby, much less take care of him.  We'd have to hire nearly full-time help, & we haven't the money for that.    


Hopefully in the next couple of days (my computer will be fixed!) i will have pics to post of all the projects i'm working on.


To finish with something funny, check out this blog:  The Lutheran Chik  Very, very funny banner she posted.  You'd think a church would have a better idea!  :p


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