Happy New Year

O God and Heavenly Father,

Grant me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;

courage to change that which can be changed,

and wisdom to know the one from the other,

through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

I always thought this was by Saint Francis of Assisi and i'd never heard of Reinhold Niebuhr, but this is the Saint Francis Prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi

My mother had a copy of this in her house.

It looked like i'd abandoned my blog, didn't it?

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I ended up getting really busy. 

I made about 20 hats for a pediatric cancer unit (not all pictured here),

tons of finger puppets, the snowflakes i've already posted, and

tatted necklaces.

Duane made “survival bracelets” from paracord for the boys.

Because i did 12 days of Christmas for 19 people, i ended up having well over 200 little things to wrap. I'd kind of forgotten that part, and it took me days and days to get it all done. I'd thought i'd be done by late November or early December, but i'd forgotten about all the wrapping.

I've been struggling with negativity and anger. It seems so much of what i have been thinking/feeling is so very negative or angry, i've not wanted to write.

Also – and this is a good thing ! - i've been up more and not on the computer quite as much. I've been playing with amino acids with the help of Julia Ross' The Mood Cure. It has been a hit and miss thing. Some of the aminos made me worse. I am not “cured” by any means, but i am sleeping better and have been able to manage the energy i do have more efficiently.  I haven't considered depression my issue for a long time, but i find a lot of things that surround depression - like trouble sleeping - addressed in this book and i still struggle with them.  

I'm struggling with faith, too, tho this is an on-going thing. I know i have readers (if you're still coming!) who would disagree, but i just don't see a lot of evidence that God intervenes in our lives much at all. I've long believed that God's interaction is largely spiritual and not physical, and i don't see much that changes my mind about this.

I've several people in my life right now who have cancer or other medical issues. I do not understand the faith of Christian people in conventional medicine. “My doctor says . . . ” is quoted as if from some great prophet. I've a whole lot to say on that issue.

I have still sometimes perused the blogs i was reading before, but have not commented due to my fore-asaid negativity. I've tended to be sarcastic in this mood – not that i wanted to be rude to anyone i read but i didn't trust myself or what i would say would come out right. While i was gone, Sara died.

(I like this font, but it is interesting that the “G”s and the “Q”s look the same in lower case: g q .  Also, this font seems harder to read and to manipulate in blogger, so i'll probably abandon it.)

I also need to “clean up” my blog from old pictures (i'll be running out of room soon) and old negativity – i've said some things that needs to come off! So old posts may show up as new. I know that tends to happen when you edit.

So, it is a new year, and my goal is to ascribe to Sara's “Choose Joy” and the prayer quoted at the beginning of the page (tho St. Francis is one to keep in mind, too).  If i've still any readers - thank you for showing up!  I hope you have had wonderful holidays, and a really blessed 2012.

On Vacation

A friend asked if i was going to blog while on vacation.  The truth is i didn't know.  

Thus far most of what we have done has been driving or visiting.  And we haven't had great internet service.  
But i've taken lots of pictures.  (Tho not, i've discovered, as many as i would have liked.  We only got 4 of my Montana Mom's place, and i would have taken many more.)

This has been part of my view while lying down.  Lying at least 2 hours a day while traveling has made an enormous difference.  In fact, at one point i thought maybe i was getting "better" or "well" i was doing so great.  Until i spent one day up the whole time.  That re-arranged my ideas.  

But i have been doing quite well on this trip. 

We were worried that we could get in trouble for me lying while traveling, but that worry was unfounded.  

First off, i do wear a seat belt.  I don't think it would do much for me when lying, but we are sticking to the letter of the law.  Second, i don't think a trooper could even see me.  I lie much lower in the car than we realized.  I can't see much from that position.  I think sometimes the truckers driving semis can see me, but often i can't even see them.  I only see the top of high cars (SUVs) when we or they pass.  

This is the trading post (down the hill) from Custer's Battlefield.  I'm surprised they call it that, for some years ago the name was changed for political correctness to The Little Bighorn Battlefield (saying, "Who would name it after the loser?!")  But i guess it has been changed back.

Sunset from the same trading post.

This trip so far has been wonderful.  I can't begin to tell it all.  We camped one night and learned the difference between "water proof" and "water resistant" in our tent.  We were pretty damp for the next couple of days. 

We visited with some of Duane's childhood friends.  We visited with some friends of my parents i'd not seen in years.  We had a great visit with my mom and her husband Leo.  

And then we got to Bozeman, my childhood home, last night.

This is the place for which i have been so homesick.  

I've wonderful memories of the B&B where Duane and i honeymooned. We stayed in that top room of the turret when we were here before, but this time i really wanted a private bathroom!

This place is managed by someone different now, however.  She is only in her 40s, but i think she is hard of hearing because i've had to repeat myself frequently.  She doesn't seem to understand our humor, either, and responds to us with a blank stare.

When we arrived last night i told her i'd grown up here and she asked if i'd seen various places yet.  We came straight here upon arriving, so i have not.  She told us how it has been ruined and changed by "Californians with money" coming in and making a mess of things.  Her favorite bumper sticker is one that says, "Save Montana.  Put a Californian on the bus."  

The only thing that surprises me about this is that the bumper sticker doesn't say anything about shooting or even more extreme than putting someone on the bus.  I know of that attitude, it was prevalent when i lived here (although this woman didn't move to MT until after i had moved to CA).  I had warned Duane of this attitude and think the downside of driving this trip is our CA license plates. 

None the less, it wasn't the thing to say to us on arrival and it wasn't a very pleasant evening.

Also our cell phones don't work here and the internet doesn't extend to our room, so we have to be in the common room to use our computers online. 

The evening did improve.  This is the first that Duane and i have been alone where we could relax.  Of course we have been in the car together.  We have been listening to audio books part of the time while driving.  I've loved visiting with folks, but i'm glad to have this downtime, too.

This is what we woke to this morning.  We have had plenty of rain on this trip, but usually it is a quick-moving storm that passes and then there is lovely sunshine again.  

This storm looks like it is here to stay for a while.  It is raining steadily now.  

They say "you can't go home again."  In one sense i think that is true. I think it depends upon what you are "looking for" when going home.  I can't regain what i had when i was 18 (no one can).  But it is a beautiful place to visit and i do love it here. 


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Burn out

Interesting that Ron, from The Old Geezer blog, just wrote about "burnout."   The first thing on the list is that frequency of blogging slows down.

Huh.

I have had plenty on my mind of which to write.  I just haven't wanted to write what i've been thinking. 
 
I also have been overwhelmed by my reader list.  I have not routinely read the blogs i follow for about a month now.

People blog for different reasons.  I write because i love writing, and also because i have a deep desire to connect with people.  I've been hit and miss with that in blogging.  There are blogs where i try to make that connection, but the writer never seems to respond to me.  If it is a blog where i find the content very interesting, i will continue to read anyway.  Otherwise, in time i take them off my blog list.  

The list of blogs i was regularly reading was very, very long.  I think i had something like 120 blogs i was following.  I have spent today culling the list.  The thing is, i don't want to "lose" any of those.  Some of them have very good info on eating gluten free or on gardening or green living.  But i found the daily list too overwhelming.  

So i went thru the list today.  The blogs i read regularly and interact with the writers stayed on my "daily read" list.  The blogs of people i care about but don't interact with frequently, or the blogs of folks with babies - and i just can't take that daily - or the blogs of info i want access to read but not to show up daily have all been moved to another Google account.  I can access them when i need, but they won't be showing up daily and overwhelming me.

I'm left with a very manageable 56 blogs i follow, but most of these do not post daily.  A couple of them post very infrequently but i'm afraid if i move them to the other account i will miss the times they do post, and i don't want that.  I would guess there are only about six or seven that do daily posts.  Probably about 20 that do two or three posts a week, and the rest are occasional people.  If i read your blog (in the past) and comment, or you read mine and comment, you are in this regular reading list.  

I'm hoping this will help it to be more manageable for me and that i'll be resuming reading blogs.  Except, of course, we are getting ready to leave on a trip on Saturday, so i won't be doing much reading in the 10 days or so after that.  

Part of the reason i've not been writing much is that i am frankly struggling with anger and bitterness.  I am facing limitations that feel onerous to me, and are much more appropriate to a woman of 90 rather than one of 50.  I have to face the fact that we are not going to have children - yes, i know i have been "facing this fact" for a long time, but it too is eating at me.  I don't WANT to write in anger or bitterness.  And so i have not been writing much at all.  

What have i been doing?  Well, a lot of knitting.  Some crochet and other projects.  I have learned to tat (finally).  Tatting is not too hard, but there is one important part of it that takes a bit of practice to master.  I've still been dieting.  Thus far i have dropped 25 pounds (i didn't "lose it" because i certainly do NOT want to "find" it again!).  I'd like to drop another 25, but it will take time.  Still, i'm pleased that i'm getting into size 12 jeans now, but i would ultimately like to be in size 10 or really i'd like size 8.  But i am very, very pleased to be losing as this has been a struggle in the past.  But the dieting has been taking a fair amount of my energy, too.

I've also been looking for a doctor.  It shouldn't be that hard, but i'm finding it to be.  

I also learned more about the disability i'm fighting.  I'll write more on it another time, but i've learned there are many, many people (many thousands) injured by the drug Cipro or others in its class.  I am one of the lucky ones - i can still walk and drive and breathe on my own.  Let me say, if a doctor recommends Cipro or another fluoroquinolone drug to you, DO NOT TAKE IT without doing extensive research.  Doctors are not aware of the damage it does and give it for simple things like a cough or urinary tract infection.  This class of drugs should be reserved for someone who is dying and has no other choice.  The chance of serious harm from it is just too high otherwise.  Some of the people harmed have been young, and they are no longer able to walk and sometimes even breathe without a ventilator.  (One of my reasons for anger, recently.) 

Oh, and of course i've been planning and preparing for our trip.  I think i've been doing quite a lot of other things, too, but these things are what have come to mind.

I hope y'all are well, and i will be trying to visit and catch up with blogs this week.  

I love you all!  Thanks.  :) 


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