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31 March 2014


Duane and i had an interesting experience on Saturday. 

He'd gotten one of those things in the mail promising airline tickets and hotel stay (and food, too), if we sat thru a 90 minute presentation.  I don't usually go for these things, but we've never done one before.  So we went.

It actually was a really great opportunity for travel.  I told him his parents should have come instead of us.  They like to travel and do quite a lot of it.  They've taken an Alaskan cruise and gone to Italy and Ireland.  

But travel is really not in our future.  I have a difficult enough time with our 2 day trip to OC every week.  I've wondered what will happen when there is an important funeral back east - at this point i can't imagine going.  

Still, at the end of the presentation the gentleman (salesman) offered what was really quite a good deal.  I sent him away so i could talk to Duane about it.  I asked if he would like to travel, if i'm holding him back, if i should try harder.  He kind of laughed and said, "I'm actually stressing because we have to take this free trip in the next year."  I laughed and laughed at that, and then we laughed together.  No, i'm not holding Duane back.

Part of me would like to travel, but the fact is even before i became so limited i wasn't much of a traveling person.  Yes, i have wanted to go to England - but i wanted to LIVE there, not just visit.  I wouldn't mind going back to Portland, or Montana/Wyoming/Colorado, or visit New England during the Fall, or just bop around the South - i've lots of memories there i wouldn't mind revisiting.  But i really can't do that these days, and i am rather a homebody person.  The truth is, i wouldn't want to visit those places, i'd want to live there, and i can only live one place at a time!

The gentleman could see early on that he probably wasn't going to get anywhere with us and didn't put on a lot of pressure.  He did say he feels sorry for us.  He told us that he lives in a million dollar house in Irvine and drives a Lexus, but that traveling is what makes life worth living for him and we can't imagine what we are missing.  Although he then admitted that if we don't desire to travel then we really aren't missing anything.

The fact is, we feel sorry for him.  That he has all those things (and is stuck in Irvine) but lives to travel is sad to us.  There are a lot of people in the world who endure, hang on, survive until they can escape from their every-day life with a week or two of vacation.  We are quite happy with our every-day life and have no need to escape.  Really, why would i want to spend a weekend in Arrowhead or in Yosemite when i can have the beauty of the mountains here at home and the comfort, too?  I can see some benefit from travel, but i also see a lot of benefit from being happy at home.  

My family traveled a lot when i was a kid.  It wasn't bad, but i kind of feel like i've left bits and pieces of me all over the country, and i have a longing for many things that i can't have all at once, anyway.

I've very intense, poignant memories of many things from my past.  Some times i see or remember something that brings these memories back so clearly in my mind that i can almost cut myself with their sharpness. 

One such memory is of the dogwood and redbud looking just like this in the Spring in Tennessee and Kentucky.  I don't know why it makes me ache so, but it does.

Another is of waiting for the bus along one road that looked just like this when i was seven.  Those colors and the memory also makes me ache.  I could go on and on with such memories, and they are precious to me, but i could never relate them to another person in such a way that would impart 1/100th of their import, meaning, and how heartrending they are to me.  

So, the very good thing that came out of this was that Duane and i enjoyed a day trip together on Saturday, and had a good meal together at a nice place after the meeting.  And we found, again, how compatible we are in that neither of us is deeply longing for something but unable to do it because of my limitations.

Frankly, we probably should have taken the very last (cheapest and least time-involved) offer because it was transferable.  We could have given it to Duane's parents or mine, or one of our siblings.  If we were able to travel in the future then we could use it too.  (One week a year for life.)  But on the other hand, our bank account really can't handle a hit on it right now.

And, i don't ever, ever want to attend such a thing again.  Not even for the freebies offered.  I don't like sitting thru something like this knowing i've no intention of buying.  (Yes, many, many years ago i'd sat in some of these with hubby #1.  I didn't like them then.)  Duane and i had not done this before.  I'm not regretting it, but i definitely don't want to do it again.


02 February 2014

Groundhog Day

Well, we are being told that there will be six more weeks of winter.  (I hope so!  It has been a very dry winter and we are all worried at the lack of moisture.)  

From winter past:  

Groundhog Day is a strange one.  It also happens to be the anniversary of my first marriage, long long ago.  I got married at 20.  I always thought, in later years, that Groundhog Day was appropriate to everything about that marriage (that has since, ended).

I have no idea if it shows up on your computer, but this is a new font i found, called "connected."  As trying to be connected is something i strive for, it seemed appropriate.  

Duane is off the mountain today.  It is also Superbowl.  Duane's parents are taking several of the members of the family to Knott's Berry Farm and then later they will have a Superbowl party.  I would love to go to Knott's, but i know if i do i'll wear myself out and have trouble functioning later in the week.  But i really encouraged Duane to go.  He doesn't get much time with the kids.  

I think i kind of freaked last year on Superbowl, thinking it was a day we should be with people.  Duane was worried about me because of that, but i think more, last year i just felt i was keeping him from having a good time.  One thing i am learning, very clearly, is that i don't do well with a big group of folks.  I DO want to connect, and at a big party it doesn't happen for me and i'm disappointed.  I need to accept where my limitations are and play to my strengths, and the family does, too.  They don't really "get" why i didn't come down.  

However, i've plenty here at home to keep me busy. 


01 January 2014

Happy New Year!

It is hard for me to believe i'm coming up on 5 years of blogging.  

I was late to discovering blogs.  They had been around for quite some time.  I know i'd read some without realizing exactly what they were.  Blogging has changed a lot in the last 5 years.  I've gone back from time to time to see what has happened to people i used to follow.  Often the blogs are gone, or have gone private, or people just don't post any more.  I often wonder what has happened to those folks.

My life is often about connection - the desire to connect with people and my ineptitude in doing so.  I began blogging to try to connect.  Not much of that left, but still i continue to blog.  

I've begun 2 new blogs.  Not that anyone is reading these, but i often posted things i didn't want to share widely.  It is a public blog.  However, looking for one blog is like looking for a needle in a haystack unless you have links and connections to find it.  So, even tho some of the things i posted here were to share publicly, i didn't share them because of the ability to then find other things.  

So i have begun a couple of other blogs that i can share posts on Facebook or wherever, when i have something i would like to share that way.    They will not trace back to this blog.

One is on life in general and my search to find children in our lives.  I'm looking for that to happen thru mentoring.  However, i have been searching for several years now with no joy.  Hopefully this will be about finding that path.  The blog is Life, Such as it is.  

The other one is on my search for health.  I'm hoping that it is a journal of my journey to lose weight and have better health.  It is mostly a private journal, too, but if i should discover something i want to share publicly, then i can do it there.  It is called Seeking Good Health.

My voice in writing the past few years has become rather whiney.  I hope to avoid that there, but am not sure i can.

Happy New Year to all.  I hope this is a year of blessing and joy.