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10 March 2013

Living in Reality

Being disabled is a challenge.  I do not want to be pitied (does anyone?), but i would like for some people to understand and care.  It is hard, i know, to give support to friends who are struggling without falling either to disinterest or over-solicitation.  It is also a bit difficult to have an "invisible disability."  I LOOK so normal!  So it is hard for people to see/believe what i tell them on my limitations.

I walk a fine line between being functional and pushing myself over the edge where it can take days to recover.

(This is about autism, but many other disabilities qualify, too.)

I posted somewhere (with friends) this:  "The cause of my fatigue, it is clear to me, is years and years of poisoning my body with poor foods and with fluoride.  I've had so much fluoride in my life, and when i trace back the loss of functioning, it has always followed a fluoride dose in dental work or in fluoride-based meds.  If it were the food alone, i could recover over time.  The fluoride does horrible things, however, and it is likely i've reached a point of no return.  I continue to seek therapies to try and improve . . .  I'm not trying to be negative here, but i have to live within my reality."

A response to this was, "Please try not to think you are past the point of no return.  The mind is very powerful and this type of thinking will inhibit any potential there may be for improvement."

Did you hear me scream?  I understand the person writing this meant the best.  I do believe that the power of the mind is strong.

I am over five years into this now.  Fluoride is a POISON.  Sometimes poisons do damage that the body cannot overcome.  We have spent thousands of dollars on docs, gurus, supplements, and treatments.  I have tried and tried and tried.  I have not given up, but i have to live within my reality. It is also a fine line between living in unreasonable hope and living in a fantasy.

I AM past the point of no return on our hope to have our own children.  There is no arguing with that.  It is a fact.  It is my reality.  There are times when you simply have to accept where life has taken you, that no amount of hope will change.

In a similar manner, i have to accept that i have physical limitations that are not improving.  I've been losing functioning over the past five years, and especially in the past three.  I'm not sure how much longer i can continue to work.  This is my reality.

So where is the line?  At what point am i hurting myself by not having a rosy outlook on my hope for future improvement?  I can say that as i continue to eat healthily (of which i have been deficient in the past), i can hope to see some small improvements.  It is not reasonable to hope that i will have the functioning i did six years ago, however.

I have to live in reality, not some fairyland where the outcome is always rosy.


09 March 2013


We got a good bit of snow yesterday, for March, anyway.  I think the official storm total was up to 12 inches, but here i think we had 6 to 8.  It is a bit hard to tell as the wind blew hard and we've drifts.  The day wasn't too cold yesterday, and the roads cleared nicely after being plowed.

Duane is off helping with the "Polar Plunge" which is to raise money for the Special Olympics.  (He won't be in the lake.)  The temp outside right now is 29F, and the water temp is 37.  Cold!


08 March 2013

So, i've not had my quiet week at home.

I didn't get done the things i planned.  I've been pretty exhausted.  It does make me very aware that if something happened and we both were disabled we'd be in real trouble.  I wouldn't be able to do a lot.  I've been totally worn out from driving and trying to keep up.  I guess i'm buying trouble that isn't there, but it did make me very aware of how things could be.   I worked very, very hard to prevent them from using a fluoroquinolone antibiotic.  Not that they suggested one, but i wasn't about to let them give it.

He made different choices than i would have.  I wouldn't do antibiotics at all.  But then, i probably would have opened it myself and used Manuka honey long ago.  That is okay.  I support his decisions. He's on the mend.

The first Nurse Practitioner, Melissa, impressed both of us.  She was concerned that if it got any worse, Duane was looking at a hospital stay.  The second NP, Joyce, did not impress either of us that much.  She was not near as cautious with sterile protocol.  We'd also commented to Melissa at our surprise that she didn't wash her hands before putting on her gloves.  She told us that OSHA wanted them to wash outside the room, it was weird, etc.  We had quite a discussion.

So then, yesterday, Joyce washed her hands in the room and so we again expressed surprise.  When we told her that our understanding was that OSHA had changed regulation she said, "You've been watching too much TV."

I was very disappointed in her.  The nurse on Monday told me she thought we'd like Joyce a lot because she is even more open to natural health than Melissa.  That comment about watching TV was uncalled for, and demeaning.


07 March 2013

What a week!

Last Tuesday we got up to prepare to go down the hill.  Mac cat climbed in the sink and wet.  The few drops were pink/red.  We delayed leaving to get him to the vet.  He had to be boarded while we were gone.

That morning, Duane also brought to my attention a small swelling he had under his jaw.  He said it had been there for a week or so, but didn't bother him until that morning.  I went into full attack mode.  I didn't think it was a tooth abscess or he would have been in more pain.  Still, i had him do oil pulling and a lot of other immune-boosting things.  Lots of pills (supplements) that he didn't appreciate.  I also did lymph drainage as he brought to my attention it could be a lymph node.

Thursday was Duane's mama's 70th birthday.  The family had a big surprise birthday party planned the next day, but she didn't know that.

Thursday we picked Mac up from the vet.  He smelled horrendous, and that evening we ended up giving him a bath.  He was so good!  We expected a circus, but it went well.  (We ended up giving Jazz a slight bath the next day - mostly head and neck.  Mac kept attacking him, we think because they smelled differently.  Using the same shampoo made Jazz smell the same and Mac calmed down.)

The swelling on Duane's jaw was not getting better.  Nothing seemed to help.

Friday we did go to that big party - 2 hours away.  We weren't sure we would be able to make it because of Duane's work commitments, but we did.  We couldn't stay long because Duane had a Search and Rescue event he had to attend the next morning very early.  I was glad that we couldn't stay too long.  Lots of people like that tire me a lot.  Seven of Duane's mama's siblings were there, and most of them had their spouses, too.  And some cousins were there.  I would like to visit with all of them - but not at a huge party.

The swelling on Duane's jaw was more pronounced, but most folks didn't notice it.

We got home.  Duane was up at 5.30 the next morning for his event.  He got home just after noon.  He was not well.  He was lethargic and rather moody.  He didn't have a fever then, but he did that night.  I did more lymph, but it was not helping.  On Sunday he was the same.  No fever during the day but fever at night.  I could also see that the swelling was near to the point of leaking/suppuration.  I told Duane that he HAD to call in sick for the week and we HAD to get him to a clinic.  (I already had planned to stay home for the week.)

The problem is that Duane's work had cancelled his insurance and not offered COBRA and we hadn't done something in the mean time.  He was very worried about money.  There was also the problem of where to go.  I've been to Urgent Care here in Big Bear a couple of times.  The folks there are clueless. I mean, they do not know how to run a clinic and are very incompetent in their attempts.  I only know of one other doc in town, i'm not very impressed with him either.

So we tried the Rural Health Clinic.  He saw a nurse practitioner.  I was as impressed as i can be with conventional medicine, even tho we were there for hours.  He had a large abscess that they lanced and then packed.  We've been in every day for them to check it and re-dress it.  He was feeling better by Monday morning before we went in, and thought he might be able to wait, but i'm so thankful we did not.  The Nurse Practitioner said if he'd delayed much longer, he was looking at a hospital stay; she said he might need one anyway.

But he's on the mend now.  Today should be his last dressing check, at least for this week.  They might want to do a follow up next week.