My head has
been in a strange place, recently.
I’ve decided i
like the doc i work with. It took a
while to come to this conclusion because she is hard to read. But after two years now i think i “get” her
better than before and am satisfied.
She recently
suggested i not come to OC weekly anymore.
Wow. I don’t know exactly what was behind this
suggestion, but it is powerful – and
negative. I understand why she might say
it – the prep and
coming down every week adds a lot of difficulty to my life. However, i gain a lot thru it, too. (I’ve had friends make this suggestion before
and i’ve always rejected it out of hand.)
It feels like
giving up coming to OC is, well, giving up.
I’m a bit dismayed the doc suggested this for it feels like she’s saying she doesn't think she can help me. Certainly,
in the two years i’ve been working with her my functioning has decreased. There is no where in bb that i can do the
work i do in OC, so, essentially i would be giving up working.
Now, if it
comes to this there will be compensations.
It might
happen for reasons entirely unrelated to me.
Duane’s job has been, um, flakey, for a while now. We are hanging on reasonably well and
continue to enjoy our lifestyle with little change. However, if the job ends and Duane ultimately
ends up doing something else, life will become very different. The only reason this works now is because we
come down together. I cannot drive
myself, and i can’t stay in OC for five days at a time.
So, if i no
longer came to OC, i would be looking at doing things differently in BB. I might raise chickens. We could get a dog. I would be better able to come to OC on
weekends for family events (maybe). I
would have to structure my life more for some functionality, because right now
my life is pretty unstructured and i don’t feel like i accomplish much.
But i’m still
hoping for more functioning – i’m not ready
to give up yet! I had improved
functioning on some supplements last year (but my energy went up – and crashed – like a rocket). I need to
titrate the supplements for a slow, steady increase. I’ve also heard of a couple of different
treatments to try. I discussed them with
Duane and he is willing for me to give them a try. I also try to balance my talking of this – no one wants to hear of my woes over and
over, and i certainly get tired of talking about it. Yet it so impacts and impairs my life – it is hard to ignore.
So much more
has happened. We’ve had a very early
spring.
I had another
s.ei.zure a couple of days before i had company arrive. That was a disappointment. OTOH, i didn’t injure myself too much this
time, only bit thru my tongue. It
happened in the shower again, when i was stressed and had not had enough water.
My parents and
both sisters were out for a short visit the second weekend in April. It was a good visit, but difficult, too. One of my sisters sees most attempts at
discussion as confrontation, and the rest of us were walking on eggshells not
to cause problems. This trip was for the
celebration of my parents’ 55th wedding anniversary and none of us
wanted to do anything that would injure our reason for being together.
Recovery from
this visit underlined how much i’ve lost in functioning. Even during the visit i was stuck in a
recliner for a couple of afternoons; i could not do much at all. My body just would not cooperate.
A lot of other
things have happened, or my brain has been focused on weird stuff, but that
will wait for another time.
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