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07 February 2009

So Much to Say . . .

I've not written for days, largely because i've so much to talk about i'm overwhelmed. Items include current stuff, dreams, another blog i'm reading, losing babies, pain, a visit to our pastor, my views on Christianity & the Church, fatigue, laziness, & trying to manage the house.

We had about 5 inches of snow fall last night, & it is beautiful outside. Duane is less impressed. He never lived in snow/cold weather before we moved here 2 years ago & i think the 4+ feet in December has depleted his enthusiasm for the snow. The snow plow just came by. I'm thankful for the snow. We've had such unseasonably warm weather i was beginning to fear my trees would bud out. The cottonwood & maple looked close to forming leaves. I don't want them to start too soon, because last year we lost all the apples due to a late snow the end of May.

We also saw the movie Push last night. I wasn't terribly impressed. It as been compared to Matrix, but i think it is much less a movie. Plus it was out of focus all the way thru. Someone in the control room messed up. Didn't seem to bother the rest of the audience, but it bugged me - i should have complained early on. And the theater was very cold. I shivered all the way thru. Just full of complaints, aren't i?

I dreamt a lot last night. This is good, actually, for when i am dreaming, i wake with more energy & less fatigue. As i was falling asleep i saw an infant's face, like that seen on an ultrasound. And all night long i dreamt of family. I don't remember the details, except one dream. We were staying with a lot of family. Duane's mom is from a big family in Wisconsin, & both my parents are from big families in Tennessee & Kentucky. This happened to be in Kansas City. We don't have family there, but a family with a child, Cora, who is ill there. I've been praying for her. Anyway, in the dream the family was eating, but we were served plates with food already on them rather than serving ourselves. And much of the food was meat-based. I didn't know what to do. Usually at such a meal i will just choose vegetables to eat, but this was already portioned for me & i didn't want to be rude.

On a side note, Duane's parents told me this week that his Uncle Dick asked if i had cancer! I guess because of my diet (no meat/poultry, & no bread/wheat/gluten). Their response was surprise but also an almost indignant "Lots of people are vegetarian!" That was nice.

I'm reading another blog, Bring the Rain. She is the wife of a Christian singer, & lost a child not quite a year ago. Early in her pregnancy they told her the baby had severe medical problems & could not survive, but they chose to continue the pregnancy & pray for a miracle. The baby was born last spring, & lived for a couple of hours. A few months after that, her sister-in-law lost a baby to crib death. This blog has thousands of people following it. She uses the blog to uplift & praise the Lord, tho naturally she has many questions & is angry at times.

If nothing else i realize there are worse things than losing a baby at 10 weeks pregnancy. I didn't have any pain, or lingering after effects. How much harder to carry the baby 30+ weeks & then lose her. Or to lose a baby at three months old to crib death. Or to have multiple miscarriages far enough along to see the baby's development. Or to have someone choose you as an adoptive parent & then change her mind the day you are to take the baby home. I've read these stories, & so i know others do know the pain of it, & far more.

While i was upset & disappointed at losing Kaylee at 10+ weeks, it didn't seem too hard at the time. I thought i was handling it pretty well. However, i remember thinking that if i wasn't pregnant again by her due date (26 May) that i would have a hard time. That has been true, but i've tried not to "set myself up" for having a hard time. This year would have been her 3rd birthday. We still have not managed a viable pregnancy. We have no children. So as time goes by, it is getting harder for me. I look at children who would be about her same age, & i ache. I didn't feel it so much the first year, having empty arms. But as time goes on it gets harder & I WANT MY DAUGHTER! It isn't going to happen. It is hard too, because motherhood is a world i can't enter. I see a child playing, & occasionally i ask the child's age. And i think, "Kaylee would be 6 months older than that." I've learned not to tell people i would have a 2-1/2 year old. They never know how to respond to it, & so it really is not fair to say.

And, (this is going to sound self-pitying) it is pretty poor. Part of me thinks that i focus so much on Kaylee & how she would be because i haven't anything better to keep me occupied. We've not had other pregnancies to focus on, nor have we children to focus on, so all i have is this pitiful "I would have had a daughter." This is NOT to negate any of the pain others have felt losing children, but most of them have children. Our lives are empty of that. All i have is the memory of our tiny child, the size of a kumquat, who was lost to us. And it has gotten harder not easier.

I'm not a person who says, "Why God?" Much as i respect folks who believe that God directs our every breath, my belief is that he grieves with us, and promises that it will all work to his glory. There is so much i don't understand. Death grieves me. Simple things like seeing the squirrels run over on our way down the mountain. If it is me that hits a squirrel (it has happened twice) i will cry. I don't understand the death of babies, like those i've been reading of. I don't understand people who can be deliberately cruel. Pictures of animals without homes, or stories of how they've been mistreated, children without homes, or stories of how they've been mistreated, distress me beyond words. Just that knowledge that such things exist hurt me. I don't understand many things. However, my way of dealing with it is simply to trust that even tho i can't begin to understand, it is in his hands & God promises that it will work for good. It is not my belief that i will get to heaven & demand that he explain it all to me. Just to be in his presence & experience his glory will be all that i need. And so while i ache, & desperately want a child, i have to trust that it will all work out for good. Not necessarily for my good, & not necessarily what i desire, but to his glory in ways i cannot see.

I have been in pain for the past 10 days or more. My legs are near constantly in pain, especially along the IT band & down my calf. It is not extreme pain, a 6 or 7, but it has been there & nothing seems to help. Exercise didn't, resting didn't, cutting sugar didn't. Last weekend i thought maybe it was because of the brownies i'd made & a sugar overload. I did 2-1/2 days of juice fast on Monday, Tuesday, & part of Wed, but it didn't help much. This AM when i woke, feeling rather refreshed for a change, i noted almost immediately that my legs (L has been worse) did NOT hurt. That didn't continue, & i have been in some pain off & on today. But as i sit here & type, today is the first time i've not been in pain for more than 10 days. I've very thankful.

I've an appt to see our pastor on Thursday, but this is already long & i'll write of it another time.

Duane & i cleared the snow off the driveway & the downstairs front deck. It was light & so not difficult, & i think about the right amount of exercise for me today. I am sleepy! The snow was coming down again, lazy, big flakes, & so we may have another several inches by tomorrow AM.


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