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25 March 2009


Today has been a day of strange feelings.

Was smiley early, thinking of a song i like. ("Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. Check it out on youtube.) It still makes me smile listening to it.

Yet much of this AM i felt tearful. (I rarely actually cry, just feel like i'm going to.)

Then i also realized that i'd not eaten & was lightheaded. So i went & found something to fill my tummy. I didn't really think it was such a good idea for me to drive, but Duane hadn't eaten & got something @ his mom's to eat on the way. And the drive was fine.

But we began discussing a possible business investment, & i got so overwhelmed that i was about to start hyperventilating. I realized we needed to stop the
conversation until later.

We stopped for gas at Sam's Club before we started up the hill. I realized i wanted to go inside & "buy things." Not that i needed anything at all. Just wanted to go & spend money. I have come to realize that feeling. Didn't give into the desire to buy, just recognized that i'm feeling empty.

And i'm feeling tearful again.

So what's up with that? I don't really know. Maybe empty arms, seeing Meredith yesterday. Maybe just tired. Maybe needing nourishment.

What qualifies as empty? An empty room?

An old empty barn?

An empty landscape?

What makes a person empty? An now empty womb?

Emptiness is uncomfortable. Sometimes it is painful. And in that pain we often go try to fill it. Some folks use drugs, or alcohol. Some fill it with people or work. Some use the internet or sexual relations or porn. Some with gambling & partying. In the past i used to fill it with reading, prescription meds for "depression," & yes, sometimes buying stuff. I also played computer games. Any number of things can be used to fill that hole, that emptiness.

Yet, i wonder if it is simply lack of being in sync with God? Not always, i suppose, but for me, i think it often is. AND, if i can withstand the discomfort, accept it, & wait - if i choose NOT to fill it with stuff & business - i believe God will fill that with something far more than i expect. Not what i want, not the things i may desire, not the things i want to demand - sometimes stomping my foot like a two-year-old in a tantrum. But what he knows i need.

And, i have to say, i believe part of that emptiness will be with me, it cannot be filled this side of the grave. Some of that emptiness is separation from God & my desire to be with him, & that - i believe - will not be filled until i am in his presence.

So, yea Lord come. Come & fill me. Give me greater desire for thee. Grant me patience to wait for your promises. Thank you.



C. C. said...

Hi Kathryn!

Nice to meet you! Thank you for stopping by my blog! It is always neat to find new people!

I hope you are feeling better today. Some of us just seem to struggle with depression and emptiness. Even though it is hard, I believe people like you (and me) are more sensitive to the hurts in this world and the cares and concerns of others. I struggle with being sad and feelings of lonliness a lot; God is your best friend and understands and made us the way we are.

Have a good day!

C. C.

Amrita said...

Dearest Kathryn, You have been so honest and open with what has been going on inside. I embrce you for it.

I have struggled with this tooand filled it with things that did not please God andHe reprimanded me.

For me living for others, focusing on others has helped.
May the Lord comfort you my dear sister.

Stacey said...

You are so right on target for me with this post. I've begun to recognize that feeling that makes me want to go into a store and just spend money on stuff. I also use books, movies, and travel to fill the emptiness of miscarriage and rescue me from my thoughts.

There are times that I have done that, that I really don't regret. I think I needed a break and a time of escape.
But you're right I think; many times it is about breaking communication with our Lord and not letting him fill our emptiness. Sometimes I fail to truly rely upon him.

Thanks for this post, although it must have been hard to write. And thanks for the comment you left on my blog. I appreciate it!

Rosemary said...

Wow, what a post, I can empathize. I too find that there are times when I need to have my spiritual batteries recharged, when trying to fill the emptiness on my own fails me. I hope that you are able to get a sense of peace and contentment. Having read more of your blog, I can understand from firsthand experience some of the issues that you've faced. None of them are easy or fair and yes, we come through them stronger for enduring but it is a painful experience indeed. I wish I could give you a big hug.