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24 May 2009

Another broken hearted rant

Well, i survived the weekend. It wasn't so easy.

I never made it to help prepare for the yard sale on Thursday. Duane went & took a lot of stuff, & he said they had lots of folks there working. I was so very, very exhausted from the moment i got up, i knew if i over did it on Thursday i'd never make it thru Friday & Saturday.

Kimmy came & did a lovely job on the downstairs. She's coming again this Thursday. Think i'll have her do the cobwebs upstairs, & then together we'll do a "deep cleaning" on the kitchen.

I did massage - in a massage chair - at the yard sale. I did ok. Some folks were really glad i was there. (Tho i've NEVER done 1 minute massages before! New to me! I did two of those, a 3 minute massage, several 5 minute massages, & some longer - 10 to 20 minute.) I was charging $1/minute, which is a price break from my normal fee & folks can choose how long they wanted/how much they wanted to spend.

Somehow, doing massage, i'm doing what i'm "suppose" to do. I'm almost never tired when doing that work. It is like God provides what i need for that time. I don't have that kind of energy any other time, but it just flows when i'm working.

Then we went down the hill to a wedding. Duane's uncle got remarried, & they had a lovely ceremony in their back yard. Both Uncle Dick & (now) Auntie Dee are cards, & there were some gags through out.

We saw cousins we'd not seen since the last wedding a year ago. There seems to be a family wedding about once a year, & we get to visit then. Several years ago there were baby showers, too, but i don't do those anymore. The shower for Sarah was about a month after i lost Kaylee. Sarah is 5 months older than our little one would be.

So it is bittersweet to see them once a year, to see what Kaylee might be like. I don't know how to stop myself from thinking these things.

It has been hard. Dean at work has talked a couple of times about how special it is that Meredith's eyes brighten when she sees him. A father of an infant at the garage sale was talking of his son & said, "He's got a large piece of my heart." Each time my heart breaks a little. I don't want to take these things away from these people, but i so want it for us.

Duane loves kids. They love him. He so wants to be a daddy. I so want to be a mama. And time goes on.

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3 comments:

Joannah said...

I'm sorry that your heart is hurting.

((hugs))

The Adventurous Girl's said...

I am sorry your are going through this pain. I am praying with you and for you both

Rosemary said...

I wish you were not hurting but I love that you are able to find strength and stamina when you need it to do your massage. That is such a gift to be able to relieve pain and promote comfort with your hands!

Take care, thinking of you.