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25 June 2009

Well . . .

I've not written for a couple of days. It is not because i haven't anything to say! It seems i can always babble plenty of nonsense.

This week down the hill was busy. Not for me, but Duane was very busy.

At rather at the last minute
Tuesday evening, Duane asked me to go with him to Long Beach. He was going to work on the computer of an acquaintance of his & wanted me along. I did so - hopefully not with poor grace - as i really did not want very much to go. Downtown Long Beach is not my favorite place to be, especially after dark. It can be very difficult to find parking there as well. When we were leaving after he finished working, i locked the car doors as we were driving. I don't believe i've ever done that before. Any movie you've ever seen filmed in a "bad" looking part of LA looked very much like the area where we were.

It was a LONG evening; Duane was 3 hours working on her computers. She & i visited most of the time. She has 3 indoor cats & 8 outdoors on her patio in cages. She rescues cats & tries to find them homes. She raises money for their care. She's got a really sweet 8 month old that needs $1400 for surgery for his eyes. So we had much to talk about & i told many stories of our kitties' adventures. But our philosophies are very different.

It seems to me that she is trying to change the nature of cats. When i told her of Mac catching a bird thru our screen door she sounded heart broken. (I think i posted the story before, if you're interested i'll search it out.) Now, i
was surprised that Mac caught & killed the bird, & i was sad, too. But that is the nature of a cat. That is what they do. And while i hate to see animals on the street, abandoned & fending for themselves, i hate almost as much to see them caged. I was glad, however, that she doesn't take her extreme Veganism to the point of the manner she feeds her cats. And, honestly, her philosophies don't seem to be very parallel or rational to me.

So, it was a long night. She did provide snacks for us, but i'd not eaten & it was 10.30 before we left with a long drive "home" (to my IL's). Then we forgot that we met at a store & i had to backtrack to take Duane to his truck.

I asked Duane later if he was uncomfortable with her that he wanted me there. He said no, that honestly he hates driving in LA County & since i used to live in Long Beach . . .

Since we've been back from our trip i've kind of been operating on Eastern time. That is good for me, because needing to be in bed by 10.30 & asleep by 11 is a very good schedule. I wake up very early in the AM anyway (unnecessarily - i don't want or need to wake up at that time) so being to bed early is good. I'd been hoping that the schedule would continue for some time yet. But it was nearly midnight before i was in bed, & close to 2 AM when i fell asleep, & i was awake before 6 on Wednesday.

I was hoping it wouldn't "reset" my body clock, but that hope is apparently vain.

So Wednesday didn't start very well. I had a lot of errands. Went to a local nursery & couldn't get anyone to help me. I was not my usual patient self & left in quite a huff - not getting the things i needed. Ran some other errands & went grocery shopping. There is a store in Costa Mesa - they've several in OC - where i like to shop. Good, organic food & good quality & quantity. But it is a crowded store. There is not much room in the aisles & often there are a lot of people in the store. I try very hard to be patient. I don't usually even say "excuse me" & try to push thru. In general i will just stand & wait until the person is done gawking & blocking the aisle. I have to say, people don't seem to be very observant of the folks around them.

So, there was a lady blocking the aisle i was in. Finally - not seeing me - she put her cart to one side & stood there for a while. So i began to go around her. Then she stepped out into the aisle, not in front of me, but into the side of my cart. I suppose she bumped her ankle, or i may have run over her foot, i'm not sure. And she started swearing. Not AT me actually, but very angry none the less.

I am so non-confrontational. I was upset for her, but was also angry at her as well. SHE walked into ME. Didn't look. She acted as tho she was the only person in that crowded store & simply stepped into the aisle after standing off to the side for thirty seconds or more & never looked. I did apologize. Got little response from her except that she'd recently broken that ankle. I apologized again, & as i walked off i was in tears. I was so very tired. Later i saw her - i wasn't crying anymore - & she had the grace to be friendly & not angry. I surely do not like shopping in OC, however.

My MIL says i'm "very sensitive." A lot of folks say that about me, actually. I don't like feeling that i am.

For one, it is perceived as weakness in our culture.

Also, Sis #2 often says to me of herself, "I'm so very sensitive. I feel things so deeply . . . etc., etc." When she says that to me it feels like she's saying she's special & unique & exclusively the only one who does feel this way (see previous posts on our competition). So for me to say "I'm sensitive, too," would seem to be challenging her & her perception that she is unusual & unlike the rest of the population. Besides, saying "I'm sensitive" is something that just grates on me. It is not something i can feel comfortable saying.

I finished the rest of my errands. Then, in a very unplanned move i decided to buy a small (3 ft x 3 ft x 18 inches) counter-top height table i'd had my eye on at a consignment shop for some time. I haven't much work space in the kitchen & have been wanting something i can use while cooking. I purchased it & with much work, pushing, pulling, & strain i got it into our Honda Fit. And i was exhausted.

When i got to the IL's & packed up the car, Duane's Aunt & Uncle arrived. Duane was delayed almost 5 hours by a problem with the computers at work. By the time i realized it was going to be late, i was very tired but not angry. Which is good, seeing as i'd been angry most of the day. Truthfully i was grateful, for if the problem had happened today he would have had to make the 2 hour drive down there to fix it. So the fact that it happened before he left was a good thing. And we visited with Aunt & Uncle. And his mama fed us dinner. And i did lie down for about an hour. And by the time we left most of the traffic had thinned out.

But i didn't fall asleep last night until quite late, was awake early this AM. And it is after midnight now. So much for staying on Eastern time.

I spent much of today in bed recovering. I do like the new workspace table in the kitchen. Plan to make some changes to it (different top, making it so i've more space) that i'll probably post on later.

I don't have to go back to OC until 7 July as my office is closed next week. I'm hoping to get a lot done in the next couple of weeks: finish painting trim on the outside of the house, cooking & freezing some meals, some gardening. But i have to pace it very carefully.

Our trip back East made it clear to me that i'm more disabled than i was allowing myself to be aware. When i'm home or in familiar surroundings i can adapt & adjust enough to look "normal" most of the time. I hate to have other folks know the limitations i fight.

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6 comments:

Bob-kat said...

That last sentence really struck home with me as that is exactly the way I feel. However, I have had to let people know as they simply expect too much of me otherwise and then I either kill myself trying to live up to these expectations or fail to meet them which I hate even more. Hypothyroidism has been a big emotional learning curve for me in many ways.

I hope you feel more yourself soon.

Rosemary said...

You've had such a whirlwind of activity lately that it isn't a surprise your body rhythms are thrown off. And, if you are a sensitive soul who feels the energy around you, this makes anything disagreeable worse.

Let people know when they can help, don't think you are burdening them to ask for assistance or when you need to rest. You have to take care of yourself.

byhisgracealone said...

do I need to write you a poem to make you feel better??!!! HAHA just kidding with you (after your sweet comment on my blog)

Lucy said...

Someone once said to me, wellmeaning-ly, 'you're too sensitive'. I can still remember the sting of it - ironic, huh?!

I agree with your comment on my blog. Misunderstandings happen in spite of our best intentions. And we are so individual - what helps one person hinders another...

Mrs. Mac said...

At first I thought this might be my daughter's blog ... her nickname is Katie-Kat :) ... and the mountain picture with snow ... looks like the area just outside my front door ... only we're about 1500 miles from Big Bear, CA ... I'm in North Idaho :)

Happy to cross your path :)

David said...

hello - glad you are back, miss you both