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17 September 2009

Mish mash

Back at Sugarbear. I had acupuncture, but i am so, so, so tired. We drove in & saw a squirrel jump out of the peach tree with one of our peaches in his mouth. I laughed. I hope they don't steal them all, but i think we have them to share. I picked one from the tree & Duane & i shared it. It is ripe. It is good. Not necessarily the best i've ever had (as Dawn said theirs are) but good. And it grew right here on our property!

Duane has to be down the hill this weekend for a karate tournament. He is stressed. He no longer competes, but he is in charge of all the computer/electronic devices which inform folks of where they are suppose to be. And i'm thankful i don't have to be there. For two years i sang the National Anthem to start the thing off. So thankful i don't need to do that!

One of the blogs i follow, The Road Less Traveled, is about living childless/childfree after trying to have a family. She links to this article on Life After Infertility Treatments Fail. I haven't read the comments yet. There isn't much for me to say on this, & yet there is a ton.

This was a week of many children & babies in our office. And me seeing a lot of children or pregnant mamas around wherever. This is going to happen. Unless we remove ourselves to some remote retirement community (& we are not yet that age!), we will be seeing families. And of course, even folks in retirement communities have grandkids. Sometimes the grandkids are harder for me than the children.

And the chiro with whom i work has his daughter, M, in on Tuesdays for about 45 minutes. He has her for the AM & then mama picks her up after her school day. M is now 7 months. She is beginning to move quite a lot, & is a happy, bouncy baby. She was not so when she was younger. Some of them just are not happy until they can begin to explore. It hit me this week that i'm going to see her grow up. 10 months, then a year, then older & older. I'll probably be "Aunt Kathryn" & part of that will be a joy for me. But there will be a lot of pain, too.

Frankly, i'm just not handling this all that well. I've good days where it is ok. And i've bad days where it is very difficult.

But something very hard happened a couple of days ago.

I've someone very dear to me in my life, or she was in my past. She was my "unofficial foster mom" now often called "Montana Mom" & i treasure the time she has given me. But as time has gone on we are less close. I rarely can reach her on the phone. We used to spend hours talking. (And, of course, now it is cheaper but we don't do it any more!) And the internet hasn't improved things. I get lots of emails from her - or i did - of the cutesy type & "Pass this on to 10 of your best friends." So i know that she does think of me, some, but it doesn't come thru in real, honest to goodness "how are you doing? this is what's happening in my life" email.

I don't get as many emails from her as before. She was sending on alarmist political cr@p that i was having trouble tolerating. She also didn't send these out blind, or remove names from the list. Eventually (after many, many, many of these) i couldn't stand it & i sent rebuttals (not by me but by an authority) to EVERYONE on that list. Some of them were pretty upset with me "Why did you 'intercept' our private email & were did you get my name?" I responded that that is what happens when you are not careful & you never know who might end up with your email address. Since then i've not been getting these type of things. I think she took me off of her list of forwards. Thank God.

But, Monday i got an email with pics of battered babies. Graphic pics of battered babies. It was "Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse." And this was my response:

Please, mommy -

don't send me something like this again. It is heartbreaking to know how much i want children & there are other idiots in the world so very blessed & they do this to their precious gifts.

Not one word has been said or acknowledged & i hurt.

I'm looking forward to some rest, 'cause i'm tired.

Thanks for all your comments & support. I do appreciate it so.

Oh, i meant to add - i was really tempted to cheat on gluten free & healthy today. I mean, tempted to the point i was planning on it. Then i got out the calendar & counted days. I have a lot of pain mid-month with my cycle. It is a weird pain pattern i've never heard of anyone else ever having. But my point, there has only been ONE month since i was 21 that i did not have mid-month pain. I've had it reduced by BC pills, or eating limited gluten, but only once have i been pain free. Now, two months. I'm past mid-month & have had not one bit of pain yet. And i've not had any gluten since early or mid August. Being pain free definitely makes it more worth it to continue my healthy, careful eating.

It also makes it easier for me not to count/think of days until "maybe pregnant." That is reducing since i'm trying to accept no baby, but having that mid-month stuff made it harder to ignore my cycle.

Lots to be thankful for. And, lest i not sound grateful, i am thankful & thank the Lord every day for my manifold blessings. Too many to list here, but i AM so very thankful for the blessings we have been given.

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4 comments:

Mrs. Mac said...

Praying that the Lord will direct your path and give you His peace. He knows exactly what is best for you so don't try to circumvent His plan and heap more stress in your life.

I'll try to meet you for lunch when we come to OC in February. That would be nice.

Land of shimp said...

This is one of those very real things where it hurts. I've seldom seen anything more painful than infertility being experienced by people who truly want children. My oldest friend went through this for many years. Last year, following many health problems, she had a hysterectomy.

In some ways that definitive answer made things easier for her. For ten years, in the back of her mind, she always believed, "There is still a chance."

As to why that happens to good people, who would be good parents? I don't know. I don't think there is a "why" necessarily. I think that sometimes our physical houses don't work in quite the way we want them to.

Your friend clearly really hurt you, and I'm so sorry. I don't know why she failed to respond with at least an acknowledgment but I can tell you that sometimes people have trouble figuring out what to say to someone expressing a real concern.

For the many years my friend struggled with infertility, we would talk about it, but I was always struggling with the knowledge that truly? I didn't know how it felt. Really, by the time she was trying to have a baby, my son was seven. I've known my friend since we were ten, and I tried.

I'm just saying that whereas my first inclination is to simply say, "Right now your friend is not acting like much of a friend. It might be better to send her a request to remove you from all group mailings, and if the friendship ends, accept that." but then it did occur to me, this is such a sensitive and sore subject, maybe there is a chance that she is simply so mortified by accidentally including you on that particular mailing, she doesn't know what to say, or do to make it better?

I do think we sometimes believe that relationships that aren't permanent are somehow less valuable because of that. Friends do grow apart, and all that. All stuff that you know.

I did want to say, it really is okay to grieve, and be sad about the concept of "No baby." That is a loss, of at least a picture in your mind of how your life would be. See, I even feel weird stating that, and hope it's okay to say.

I don't know what will happen for you, Kathryn. I know you are grateful for the life you have, and the love in it. There are more ways than one to have children in your life, but you know that. It doesn't take away the sting.

I don't know why these things happen, I know wonderful people, with the strongest hearts, who didn't get the strongest bodies.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Hi, Saw you stopped by and listened in on my world. Sorry to know the pain you are feeling. My son and his wife tried everything and then adopted. They have three precious little girls now. As much as I would have liked to have a child in the image of my son, I have to say I am totally smitten with these girls.

David said...

hopr you have a nice weekend. call me