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26 December 2009

Can i be concise?

I tend to be verbose, so i don't know if i can be concise.

It is Boxing Day, the 2nd day of Christmas. I have to go to the Post Office this afternoon (they are only open between 1 & 2) & i think i'll get some yarn.

Sunday we went down the hill & met friend Joseph & saw the movie Avatar for Duane's birthday. We saw it in 3D, & while the effects were beautiful, i would have preferred it regular, for i found the 3D distracting from the story line.

Tuesday AM we woke to an unexpected storm & strong winds. It wasn't suppose to snow even an inch, but we had 3 of powder snow. It got packed & the roads down the hill were icy. There were two major accidents that delayed us a lot. It took 4 hours to cover what usually is a 2 hour drive. (I could digress for a long time about flatlanders who drive in the mountains but won't slow down for ice & snow.)

My office was closed on the 23rd, but i worked anyway & had the busiest day i've had in months.

On the 24th we traded in Duane's truck. We were both sad to do it (it is the vehicle he had when i met him), but it hasn't served us well for some time. It is not 4WD, so is not practical in Big Bear. It uses a lot of gas & Duane didn't want to drive it much. We didn't really need a truck very much; it rarely was used to haul things. So he got an AWD Subaru. It will be our car to drive back & forth in the winter months, & then we will switch back to the Honda, which gets better gas mileage, for the spring, summer, fall. The Subaru has lots of fancy things; one of them is that it tells you your average miles per gallon. Duane re-set it so it would record as we coasted down from Onyx summit to near home. It maxed out at 76.0 miles per gallon. But our true average was about 26.

We had a lovely Christmas Eve with Duane's parents & his brother & brother's girlfriend. We had a fairly simple meal (compared to what holiday meals often are). I had a glass of eggnog with some brandy in it & it knocked me on my rear for about an hour. I don't manage alcohol well. I told Duane's mom the next time i think i might want alcohol, remind me not to. I wasn't silly or anything, just tired, tired, tired. After we opened gifts we went to the late service at the church we used to attend & where we were married. (St. James, Newport Beach.) The service got out about 12.30, so it was a 2 hour service.

I tried to reach my family by phone for 3 days in a row. I ended up speaking with my mother each time. Eventually Sis #3 called me. But i never spoke with any of the rest of the family. It was a bit much to see my nephew post on FB today that "Christmas was great! All the family was here." But, i rarely see them, & in many ways i haven't wanted to be part of that family, so i guess i'm not.

I've not been writing as much recently. Since Thanksgiving, or even before, i've been in deep mourning. This is the first holiday that i've had to face that we won't have children. Tho i have to honestly admit that i still hope even tho that hope has no possibility of being fulfilled. I truly believed that if i was patient, if i "waited on the Lord," that children would come, we would be blessed with a family. Frankly, life without children, without a family, is a prospect difficult for me to bear. Ever since i married Duane i would think each holiday, "When we have kids we'll bake these cookies, & decorate like this ____, & we'll do Christmas Eve, & . . . " Every year has been harder & this one 10 times more so. And i've not wanted to write here for i feel that if i even start, the bitterness & ugliness & jealousy inside will simply flow.

I'm so far behind in blog reading, i don't know if i'll ever catch up.

For some time now i've been playing a stupid game almost excessively. It doesn't have any merits to it, no prizes or anything to recommend it. I found myself wondering why i was wasting so much time on it. Finally decided that it is because in the game i feel i have some control. If i play with some skill i can have control over what happens in that limited setting. Although even in the game there are random occurrences that change the possibility of the outcome & don't rely on skill.

This world is not set up as most humans would have it be. Life is not at all about fairness. Or not what we consider fairness. From God's point of view, via the Bible, fairness would be to destroy the whole world, everything in it, & all creatures upon it. But as humans see fairness, this world is not fair. People, children, parents, young folks, die prematurely; others that want children but can't have them (& that is one long list) watch while other folks leave their children home alone to go on vacation or leave their kids at the playground for an afternoon, or whatever. Some folks are favored in different ways without merit. Often the folks with the worst ethics are the ones rewarded. I don't know why God made the world this way. I imagine that the things we want to make life "fair" would have a number of unintended consequences. And then we'd complain about that world!

Unlike my game, there are very few things in life over which i have much control or power. My attitude & many of my choices are under my control. But what other folks do that effects me is not something i can control. I can't control my husband or my cats or other people. (Like the person who backed into me in a parking lot last year.) I can try to control or i can try to influence them, with limited results. And we'd all be unhappy that way.

For whatever reason we are not given such power, & the Bible tells us it is wrong to try to effect things that are not under our control. (It is called witchcraft.) It is my belief that it is human nature to want to control things we are told not to try. I believe that is part of the fascination with the Harry Potter series, & Twilight, & many others (a list far to long & comprehensive to start). I don't consider those books/movies evil in & of themselves. I think it speaks to our natural human nature & it is fun to contemplate what the world would be like if we had such power. But it is forbidden to try.

I'm not trying to control other people. But sometimes i chafe at the limitations i have in life & how that patience doesn't seem to be working for me. So i go to a stupid little game where i feel i do have some control. I waste a lot of time there.

Will post Christmas tree/ornament pics later today.



Anonymous said...

Hi Kathryn,
It was nice to hear from you! I am sorry you are feeling badly and want to remind you that God's ways and thoughts are not ours - he is God! I think it's why so many people don't believe in God, they think that he should do as they would do and make this world a wonderful place for all. I want to encourage you to practice a "sacrifice of praise" - praise him for all you to have even (and especially) when you don't feel like doing so. And remember that your "down" feelings won't last - I enjoy your pictures and blog... Blessings to you in the new year ahead! (I hope I didn't sound too preachy, but I have been in the pit, and am still climbing out).

Kathryn said...

Thanks Pam for visiting & commenting. I think i must not have written this well, for my point is that God is not like us & that is why we have so much trouble accepting things.

Land of shimp said...

Kathryn, I'm very sorry you are sad. It's entirely understandable, of course and I hope that time will help you. It's okay to be sad, and to express your feelings.

I hope that you find your answers, and a sense of peace. I wish it was in my power to give those to you, but it is not, so I'll simply send you my hope.

Rosemary said...

Hello my friend, I am sorry you are feeling this way - I am in the same boat and the holidays affect me similarly - some years worse than others. I'm not going to offer any advice, but I will tell you that I will concentrate on you in my prayers and that if I were there with you I would give you a big hug and sit and let you talk about this for a while. I'm sorry about the family, I don't know why they act the way they do (not just yours, but most families, that's the only consolation I can offer on that subject - most families can be so tough to live/deal with).

I'm not feeling well so I apologize if this rambles all over but I just wanted to acknowledge your post and to say I wish I could offer more comfort than I can.

Anonymous said...

Hi again...yes you did write very well...I was trying to agree with you and reiterate what you had conveyed, but I am the one who didn't say it well. I wanted to encourage you is all... So glad you came by my blog..Have a great week!