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03 January 2010

From the heart

I'm still struggling. Finally wrote the Christmas letter because i was having trouble with it. I AM thankful for what i have. Every day i thank God for life, & health such as it is, & for Duane & his love, & our kitties, & Sugarbear, & our many blessings. But between struggling with health issues & deep sadness over being childless, i'm having a hard time coming up with a cheery letter.

But here is a clipped version of the background i'm using for the letter.

We had a good visit with Duane's cousins, tho by Saturday PM i was weary. They all went on a hike & i stayed home & slept & tried to warm up. I'm having trouble regulating my body temp & sleeping is the best way to get warm when i'm chilled.

We tried a different church today, & we just don't know what the answer is in this situation. I think we're leaning toward attending a couple different ones. I like the church we are in currently, but i find our pastor's sermons very depressing & i just don't have the energy to tease out a positive meaning 4 or 5 times a month. We don't yet know the answer to what we are looking for.

I think it is probably rather apparent that i'm rather anti-drug (meaning pharmaceuticals). I know that some drugs are important for some folks some of the time, but i think over all they are poison & being overused. That said, the doc i'm currently trying recommended a low dose naltrexon (1 mg, when it is usually started at 50 mg for its other uses). It supposedly boosts the immune system, help with energy, etc., etc. She (the doc) is very positive about it. So Duane & i discussed it & decided i should try. I ordered it some time ago, but began taking it after Christmas during the time we were home. The side effects can include insomnia & others, but are suppose to be mild & diminish before long. I survived three nights.

I didn't sleep well during any of the three nights, but i could have managed that for a while. But the evening after the first night (about 18 hours after the first pill) i had a mild migraine. I didn't give it much thought, for i do have migraines from time to time. I had a more intense migraine the second night, & still didn't give it much thought. But the third night i had a migraine that was excruciating. I don't have them like that unless something triggers them. The last one that was that bad was when i had Splenda poisoning. And i realized that it had to be the med. So i stopped taking it. And i had some brief transient headaches since, but nothing like the one after that med.

The pharmacy compounds the stuff & they didn't say what they used as a "filler." So i opened it to see if it was sweet (Splenda or aspartame) but it was not. Duane suggested that the migraine was coming on as it was leaving my system, that i might try a divided dose, but the truth is i'm back to "drugs are poison" & don't want it any more.

I'm having a hard time doing things. I kind of read blogs, but have trouble concentrating. As for commenting, or even writing here, my thought process is rather, "Why would anyone want to listen to what i have to say?" I know it sounds self-pitying. I don't like that. John (therapist i work with) said that my life currently is a blend of really, really good & really, really awful & it is hard to get a handle on that. (We are both very thankful for the "really, really good" part, for it is a big change from about 10 years ago.) Guess it is something i'll have to work out of me. I will eventually, i'm sure.



Amrita said...

Dar Kathryn I am so sorry to read about your struggles, but we care and want to pray for you and I am glad you shared.That 's what sisters and friends are for.

I hope you are feeling better.Maybe its the cold weather which is causing all this.

Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.
LOve, Amrita

justme said...

i am so glad you wrote about this. it is hard to be sad about something and have it be somewhat consuming in your life and NOT write about it all the time. i know on my end, i love your comments, even if you cannot relate at all to what i am saying at times, it just feels nice. i'm sending warm wishes your way.

Rosemary said...

I agree with justme about writing out your feelings - so often we think we have to put on a mask rather than show we're human and dealing with large, painful issues. I wish I could do something to help, I do pray for you and perhaps knowing you have cyber buds out here pulling for you may help a small bit. I love to see you over at my blog, but understand you may not have anything to say (that's okay, that you read my rambling entries is wonderful for me). You're just riding this out and you're trying everything you can to get through it, I know you will but you're in the dark valley right now. Hang in there, Kathryn!

Paige said...

I always enjoy your blog so much Kathryn. You have a way of writing with such honesty that I feel we've been friends for years. So, may I send you a cyber-hug? I have definitely felt how you are feeling now and it sounds like you are doing all the right things to work through it.

Hugs for the internetz

Stacey said...

Hey Kathryn, just getting caught up on your blog since Christmas. Glad you had a nice holiday season! I enjoyed seeing all of your ornament pics.

I'm deeply sorry about the sadness that comes from being childless not by choice. I think writing about it is very therapeutic. And my opinion is that there are LOTS of blogs out there, so I'm happy every time someone stops by my humble little spot. So I say keep writing about that and everything else that you're feeling! Those who care and are interested will keep coming back. And I always appreciate your comments as well.

Hope you have a happy year ahead. Sending warm hugs all the way from Texas.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it