From the heart

I'm still struggling. Finally wrote the Christmas letter because i was having trouble with it. I AM thankful for what i have. Every day i thank God for life, & health such as it is, & for Duane & his love, & our kitties, & Sugarbear, & our many blessings. But between struggling with health issues & deep sadness over being childless, i'm having a hard time coming up with a cheery letter.


But here is a clipped version of the background i'm using for the letter.

We had a good visit with Duane's cousins, tho by Saturday PM i was weary. They all went on a hike & i stayed home & slept & tried to warm up. I'm having trouble regulating my body temp & sleeping is the best way to get warm when i'm chilled.

We tried a different church today, & we just don't know what the answer is in this situation. I think we're leaning toward attending a couple different ones. I like the church we are in currently, but i find our pastor's sermons very depressing & i just don't have the energy to tease out a positive meaning 4 or 5 times a month. We don't yet know the answer to what we are looking for.

I think it is probably rather apparent that i'm rather anti-drug (meaning pharmaceuticals). I know that some drugs are important for some folks some of the time, but i think over all they are poison & being overused. That said, the doc i'm currently trying recommended a low dose naltrexon (1 mg, when it is usually started at 50 mg for its other uses). It supposedly boosts the immune system, help with energy, etc., etc. She (the doc) is very positive about it. So Duane & i discussed it & decided i should try. I ordered it some time ago, but began taking it after Christmas during the time we were home. The side effects can include insomnia & others, but are suppose to be mild & diminish before long. I survived three nights.

I didn't sleep well during any of the three nights, but i could have managed that for a while. But the evening after the first night (about 18 hours after the first pill) i had a mild migraine. I didn't give it much thought, for i do have migraines from time to time. I had a more intense migraine the second night, & still didn't give it much thought. But the third night i had a migraine that was excruciating. I don't have them like that unless something triggers them. The last one that was that bad was when i had Splenda poisoning. And i realized that it had to be the med. So i stopped taking it. And i had some brief transient headaches since, but nothing like the one after that med.

The pharmacy compounds the stuff & they didn't say what they used as a "filler." So i opened it to see if it was sweet (Splenda or aspartame) but it was not. Duane suggested that the migraine was coming on as it was leaving my system, that i might try a divided dose, but the truth is i'm back to "drugs are poison" & don't want it any more.

I'm having a hard time doing things. I kind of read blogs, but have trouble concentrating. As for commenting, or even writing here, my thought process is rather, "Why would anyone want to listen to what i have to say?" I know it sounds self-pitying. I don't like that. John (therapist i work with) said that my life currently is a blend of really, really good & really, really awful & it is hard to get a handle on that. (We are both very thankful for the "really, really good" part, for it is a big change from about 10 years ago.) Guess it is something i'll have to work out of me. I will eventually, i'm sure.


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