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03 May 2010

Highly Stressed

The Trooper hasn't been running well since we had it worked on 3 weeks ago.  I took it back today; it was not good news.  It was going to take $800 just to diagnose the problem (most likely meaning that it would need a new transmission).  Then parts/labor???  We just spent $300 getting it legal to drive, now this.  I freaked.  I totally freaked.  The car is worth maybe $1000.

Duane was off the hill & i left the Trooper at the repair place.  Dear friend David saw me waiting for the bus (Duane's car was at the Sheriff's station, he'd gone with some other SAR folks to a funeral).  He gave me a ride to pic up the car.  

I then went & got some Mother's Day cards (5 - 3 mamas/2 grandmas).  I've never had a hard time with that before, but i've now spent most of the rest of the day crying.  It didn't help that when i finally said, "I've got to just get out of the house" & went to a restaurant to read & be at peace i had to listen to a conversation of a new father about his daughter who is 2 months old & what joy he finds in parenthood.  Nor did it help that my niece announced on FB that she got to hear the baby's heartbeat today.  (Although she said "babies"?  Is she having twins?)

I don't handle stress very well these days.  I am totally, completely drained of any energy.

I just wanted to pound my head against a wall. Why now?  Why now?  Why couldn't this have happened before we sunk $300 into that car 3 weeks ago? (I'm keeping the Simple Dollar principles firmly in my head: the $300 is sunk money; don't throw more money at the problem.) 

Ultimately, we had them put more transmission fluid in the vehicle & i drove it home.  Which made it clear to me that this car is about kaput.  It strained on the hills - & believe me, the ones i had it on were minor.  

We were hoping this car would last at least 2 more years, but were hoping more for 4.  We really can't afford to replace it.  Lord knows what we will do. 

Yeah, i know, time will work it out.  In a few weeks' or months' or years' time it won't make any difference.  Why get all emotional over something that can't be fixed?  Take a deep breath & keep on going.  




Lynnette Kraft said...

Little stresses are often the hardest to cope with because they are just annoying! ha! I hope all your car troubles get worked out soon!

lisa said...

Our farm truck is a 97 dodge and we are always taking it into the shop! But we know it so well that we hate to trade it in for something else!

Organizing Mommy said...

Sorry about the emotional trauma you have going on. Yes, mother's day.. hard.. i feel for you. Bummer about the car also.

Thanks for chiming in at my site. You are a smart lady who has been through a lot. maybe you should be a counselor?

Land of shimp said...

I always feel for people who want children, but don't have any for a variety of reasons, on Mother's Day. For one thing, the marketing for the day is everywhere, so it's difficult to escape.

I know it's a hard time for you, and I'm sorry it is difficult for you. I think it's understandable that when you hear others talking about how happy they are, the human response is "But why not me?" Since there's no real answer to that other than, "That's the way it worked out for my body." it's a very difficult situation.

I hope someday it becomes easier for you.

I'm sorry about the truck, and yes, this will be something you will get through. You and Duane will work it out.

I think it is important to have perspective, to put a problem in its proper place. Having said that, I think it is also important not to stuff down natural feelings immediately.

Sure, freak out a little, then calm yourself down...but there's nothing inherently wrong with having that feeling of panic, if you can then take the steps to comfort yourself. Eventually it becomes second nature, but trying to stop having a feeling because you feel as if you shouldn't, seldom works.

In other words, eventually it's a case of "I am calm throughout because I trust in my ability to work this out, and I'm not alone." and that's the extent of it. Initially it is, "I am freaking out...deep breath...deep breath...okay, now I'm listing the reasons that I know this will work out...deep breath...deep breath...and I'm choosing to trust...and now I feel much better."

But I think it is detrimental to have the response be "I am freaking out...and I shouldn't be! What's wrong with me that I'm freaking out?? I know this will be okay. I'm not allowed to freak out!" and attempting to just cut the feeling short.

Just because, whereas we have to learn to be in charge of our own process, the way to do that isn't to try and stop having feelings, but to guide them in ways that don't derail our lives. The end goal isn't to stop having feelings though, it's to not have our feelings entirely control us.

It's this strange, and rather subtle difference. Stuffing feelings just means they rise up and bite us in unexpected ways. We can't just smother it, you know?

Anyway, I've been leaping up every five seconds while writing this to try and help my anxious dog understand that I can't just go outside when she wants to chew sticks. That if she wants to go out by herself, she can, but I can't hang around the garden all day.

This too is a process.

Kathryn said...

Thanks, Lynnette. :)

BTW, i've been trying to post a comment at your blog & blogger is preventing it from posting, somehow.

Yeah, i understand, Lisa. We figured to keep this Trooper, which is a '94, for several more years. We hardly ever drive it. But evidently the transmission is giving up & we are not so invested in it as to want to replace that.

Thanks, O.Mommy. I always enjoy your posts, tho i don't comment often. I appreciate your compassion.

I was, at one time, on track to be a counselor. Switched to massage & find that fits me so well. It is so wonderful to feel i've made a difference at the end of the hour (or whatever time they choose). Sometimes i think about the path i had intended, but i'm happy with where i'm at. Funny thing, tho, Sis #3 did become a Marriage & Family counselor. She's finishing off her hours. That makes me a bit wistful, sometimes.

Alane, "Ms Shimp," :) you are always so gentle & compassionate. I do appreciate you so much.

I think part of the end of the post was that recently it feels all i do is complain & i feel guilty about that.

Over all, i usually do have a very calm demeanor & can handle things well. It seems i'm usually the person calming Duane down & reassuring him we'll be fine. But this hit me out of the blue & frankly i went into shock - literally - & that i don't handle so well.

Frankly, the CFIDS has been worse the past few months & i'm having a hard time functioning at a regular level. Shock/stress kind of sent me over the edge.

Jessica Renshaw said...

Dear Kathryn,

I don't think finding out the vehicle you were counting on for another two years is already dead is a small problem! Not to mention facing the unexpected expense! I don't blame you for freaking!

I didn't think to buy Mother's Day cards. Both Jerry's and my mom are gone. To me, Mother's Day is about my mother and missing her, not about me being a mother. I didn't even think about the fact I will be getting cards.

Kathryn, I hope Sunday will turn out to be a wonderful day for you and Duane, not a hard one!

Anonymous said...

I have to thank you for the advice on my bug issues.... I am not even thinking about mother's day. I think holidays like that are contrived and dumb. I am a mother,and don't want my kids to feel like they have to buy me something. And my mother is gone, so to me it's not an important day.
I am sorry to hear about your vehicle. That is a shame. Try to focus on something else, and have a good weekend.

Rosemary said...

Hey there, your feelings are your feelings - and right now I think you're nerves are raw from all the things being thrown at you. I'm so sorry about the Trooper gulping money for repairs - I can empathize on the "how much more can I sink into this?" scenario. Also, when you're having a horrible, rotten time of it, having a very emotionally difficult topic rear its head is just like salt in a wound. Believe me, I do understand.

I don't know what to say, other than to say that as you can see from the other posters here and me that there is a lot of caring surrounding you and wishing good things for you. (((HUGS)))

Mrs. Mac said...

Just sending hugs! Let the stress of each day fall by the wayside before your head hits the pillow at night. Each day brings its own problems. Try and pick a few positive things to focus on.

Sorry to read all you have been feeling and going through.


Kathryn said...

Hi Jes & New England's - receiving gifts or cards never entered my mind.

Thank you for your well wishes. :)

Rosemary - hugs right back to you.

Mrs. Mac - thank you. :)