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26 July 2010

Some pics, some thoughts

I went on a picture hunt - looking for some i've not posted before.  I got overwhelmed.  Having over 10,000 pics on my computer makes the "overwhelmed" easy.  But i've found some.  I'm not sure if i've shared them before.  I think Duane took all of these (which i've now decided to post at the end of this), but i'm not sure.  

I also went house hunting today.  No, we are not looking to replace Sugarbear.  The very thought of it makes me sad.  This was a different kind of hunting.

I first visited Big Bear many years ago.  I started college the fall of 1989, & this would have been a couple of years before that.

We came up to Big Bear in October.  Rented a small house for the weekend.  It was an older house, i would guess it was built in the 20s.  I wasn't prepared for it to be so cold!  The days were beautiful,crisp, with deep blue skies, the trees turning yellow & red.  But the nights were downright cold & the house was not well-insulated.  Getting up in the morning was like getting up in an ice box!

Anyway, i've long wondered just where exactly that house is at.  I've an idea in my head & certain memories, but memories can be faulty.  I've looked for that house off & on before, & today i spent some time looking again.

What i remember is that it was on a street that runs north/south, north of Big Bear Blvd.  It faced east & was on the southwest corner where another street crossed.  It had 2 dormer windows upstairs & 2 bedrooms upstairs tho we didn't use them.  We stayed in the downstairs bedroom.  I think it was painted a light green.  I keep being sure that i just know where that house is, & yet i keep not finding it.  It is almost as if a wicked witch removed it from the scene. 

It wasn't far from a meadow.  I watched the yellow school bus drop the kids off the first afternoon we were there & the memory is poignant.  I'm not sure why the beauty of that scene & the memory of it are so bittersweet & almost painful.  That is probably why it is seared in my memory.  I think that it was just a piece, a window, of peacefulness that was not part of my daily life.  Everyday life was in fact almost unbearable.  That weekend was a jewel in my memories.  

Memories such as they are, however, tend to be fickle.  I could be looking 5 miles from where the house actually happens to be.  I'm not sure why it seems so important to me to find it.  I'm not going to live there, nor stay there.  Maybe it is just the idea of gazing on a scene from a time when i was still quite young, things weren't happy but the world held so many possibilities, a few days of peace.  

I'm not saying my life doesn't have peace now.  It does.  But it has so many fewer possibilities than it did more than 20 years ago.  Many things are set & cannot now be changed.  In looking for the above pics, i looked at a lot of different houses for sale.  Some have a number of things we might like in a house, more room, less money, but the thought of leaving Sugarbear is unbearable.  If we left i think i would look back to our time at Sugarbear with the same sharp memories of the peace we have here.  Humans tend to want something else, not recognizing the treasure they currently have.  I don't want to be caught in that trap, but for some reason the memory of my first visit to Big Bear is very vivid right now.  

The first pic is very much like the house, in color & style but not exact.  The second pic is of the style of house - the dormers & all, but definitely not the house.  The third pic, that of the kitchen, could be an exact replica, except in my memory the checks were blue not red.  That could be the house, except i don't think it has an upstairs & the house of which i'm speaking definitely did.  I'm probably better off not finding it, but i imagine i'll keep on looking. 

We bought some plants that were on sale at the nursery over the weekend.  Mostly herbs.  But we also got a dwarf peach to replace the one that died.  I need to go out & plant some things.

I saw G (pastor) & his family while i was at breakfast this AM.  He said hi, as did i, & i wished them a good day on my way out.  I think it strange that in 3-1/2 years here i never ran into him elsewhere before, but now that we've cut ties i seem to do so frequently.  This is the 3rd time in the last month.  No, i don't think it anything sinister.  Just one of those weird coincidences.  Life is odd.  

I've been tremendously emotional over the weekend.  I cry at the least little thing, from the finishing of a baby blanket for someone (& i hate that blanket - nothing seems to please me these days) i know to the Alfredo sauce that wouldn't thicken.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  Probably a combination of hormones gone whacky & being in pain for several days now.  I'm not normally a tearful person, so i really hate feeling this way.  

Just various pics from around Big Bear, especially the lake, the first year we lived here.  



Amrita said...

You have very fond memoties of thehouse you lived in. Big Bear is a lovely place to live in.

My parents built this house 27-28 years ago amd I shall be living in it till the day I die ( I think).

Our neighbourhood is getting more and m,ore crowded as high rise building are comming up and I hate that. Infrastructure is breaking and resources are getting scantier.

lisa said...

Very beautiful pictures! You have a great view. Hope you feel better, it sucks when you get emotional for now apparent reason.

Kathryn said...

My parents built a house when i was 11. They don't still own it, but i've driven by when i'm in the area. It breaks my heart to see how the neighborhood has grown up around it & the view which were so beautiful are being spolit.

I only stayed in Big Bear a weekend that first visit, Amrita, which is why i'm having trouble finding the house. But i fell in love with Big Bear then & am so blessed to be able to live here.

Thank you, Lisa. These aren't actual views from Sugarbear, (we can't afford to live at the lake) but just as we were out & about.

I think the emotion is messed up hormones from impending menopause. It doesn't help that it is coming but children never will be, now. But i sure get irritated with myself for being a tearful mess!

Rosemary said...

Well, I get in those "don't look at me because I'm liable to break into a big cry" weeks too; of course, being in pain doesn't help - you're not resting or sleeping well probably and that makes our emotions so much more edgy and on the surface - Know what I mean?

(ignore the grammatical issues of that last paragraph - you get my drift)

Kathi said...

I can understand your irritation with yourself. I feel that way a lot. I'll be praying with you and for you.

Beautiful pictures too! You have such beauty to work with!

Kathryn said...

Rosemary, you are just so sweet. :) I know we all have those days, but we often work hard to cover them over, don't we?

Hi Kathi - i think for many of us that irritation with self can get in the way a lot. Thank you for your prayers.

We are so very blessed to be able to live where we do. It is beautiful here. But i remember Portland as beautiful, too. :)