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23 March 2011

Silence



I've been quiet here for a while now.  It is not because i have nothing to say!  I always have things to say.  :)

The problem is that i'm really struggling to accept my life as it is, and i tend to be negative about it.  I'm also struggling with a lot of anger.  It seems i get angry so easily these days.  I hate these feelings!


I do tend to be a negative person - tho i prefer to consider myself an optimistic realist - but i fight the negativity.  I could not by a long shot call myself optimistic.  I do think that folks who are optimists are born that way.   The rest of us can strive to be positive and have a sunny outlook, but it does not come easily or naturally.  I work at having a positive view point, but it is a struggle.  I don't know why.


I prefer not to speak negatively.  Therefore, i have been silent.  


The problem i am struggling with is that it is hard to balance the negatives with the positives.  There is so much good in my life.  Anyone who reads here knows i have a husband who loves me very much and whom i love.  We have a good marriage and a good life.  We like our lifestyle and have a reasonably good relationship with most of our family.  We are not rich or affluent, but we have enough to meet our needs and that is more that most of the world can say.  We are happy.


Yet, it is never going to stop hurting that we are not going to have children.  People, well-meaning people who say, "God must have known you couldn't handle children" or any number of other well-meaning but painful statements, just can't understand.  I know, too well, my limitations.  I know that i don't have a clue how we would or could care for a child given my daily limitations, but that doesn't mean the desire for a family goes away!  Somehow the wonderful gifts we have don't change the pain of what we so deeply desire but will never have. 


We have had a busy 3 weeks.  It has been good, but as i didn't rest as much as i should have, i also have been struggling to function.  I am finding that i spend so much time in bed resting not because i am lazy, or i don't push myself enough, or because i want to, but because if i do not rest i cannot function in the life Duane and i have created.  If i continue doing so, i am going to reach a point where i can no longer live the life that we so love and cherish.  I have to accept this, but at times i really resist the chains i feel these limitations to be.  I guess i have wanted to believe that if i just pushed myself enough, or whatever, that i really could do what i wanted/needed to, but i am finding that not to be true.


It is also so hard because it is hard for other people to see, accept, understand.  I LOOK so normal!  Everyone feels tired at times.  Most folks just can't comprehend that each and every day for me is like getting over a really bad flu - the fever is gone, but the weakness, the fatigue persists.  Rest helps a little bit usually, but it never goes away.


It is never going to stop hurting me to see someone's pregnant belly or hear what a miracle it is to feel the baby kicking or to see their first smile, etc., etc.  I have to accept this.  It is never going to stop being hard that i live with the fatigue of a 90 year old woman.  I have to accept this and live with it.


I AM blessed each and every day that i am not bed-ridden all the time.  I can still drive, shop, do crafts, visit people, work 4-5 hours a week, and live a good life.  I don't forget these blessings or take them for granted.  


But i am really struggling with the reality of my life and trying to accept it. 





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Post script at 7.20 pm:  Ok, here is a balancing perspective on life:  Gitz.  I am frequently envious of Sara's faith and optimism.   I am NOT and never will be envious of her limitations.  Yet, while my limitations are not as severe, i certainly understand her frustrations and feelings as finding that her limitations are growing and beginning to consume her life.  It is hard for me to compare our situations without feeling badly, because she is much more severely limited than am i.  But the realization that your body will no longer do as you ask it or try to push it to do is similar.  


Post script two:  I often have pages open for days and days because if i close them i forget, but if i bookmark them they often go down a black hole as i forget to look at those, too.  This is from Wikipedia about the book The World According to Garp.  For some reason i was thinking about that old movie the other day.  This sentance, "The story is decidedly rich with (in the words of the fictional Garp's teacher) "lunacy and sorrow", and the sometimes ridiculous chains of events the characters experience still resonate with painful truth." caught my attention and resonated with me.  It does seem so often that the world is full of "lunacy and sorrow."

3 comments:

Amrita said...

I don 't know what to say Kathryn.

I can only say that I have dealt with a lot of anger, frustrationa nd depression becuase of my handicaps and loss of employment.

It was a very hard road. But God has given me peace. I feel very insecure at times and have to fight against it.

Let me encourage you to keep walking on.

Lorie@The Midlife Housewife said...

Dear Kathryn,

{{Hugs}} People try to say things they think will help. I think it is the same at funerals. The fact is, no one can understand your pain and it is probably best to just admit that. I don't understand the hole you feel. I can't begin to imagine it. But I can offer you love and prayers...and I do.

I have also been struggling with the illness. Taking that job recently was a huge mistake. I am still not recovered and I have a feeling I won't. I think I pushed myself to a whole new level. I now feel pain and extreme fatigue every single day. Much more than ever before. It is good you recognize and deal with your limitations even though you don't like it. I wish I had that wisdom.

I'm sorry you are hurting. you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Blessings

Kathryn said...

Amrita, i think we all have our own difficulties. I don't think mine are worse than anyone else's, i'm just struggling with them.

I think it would be hard to be in your place, caring for your mother, in a society that gives so little power to women. I continue to pray for you and do what i can.

Lorie - hugs right back. I've been amazed reading your blog and all that you do accomplish. I know you struggle, but how much you do!

It has not come easily to me to rest because that does not seem natural. I was taught to "push thru" the fatigue ("no pain, no gain" attitude). It doesn't help that when this first began when i was 16, my father let me know he thought i was lazy. I fight with that all the time.

I hope you soon reach your place of knowing what the balance is for you.