Burn out

Interesting that Ron, from The Old Geezer blog, just wrote about "burnout."   The first thing on the list is that frequency of blogging slows down.

Huh.

I have had plenty on my mind of which to write.  I just haven't wanted to write what i've been thinking. 
 
I also have been overwhelmed by my reader list.  I have not routinely read the blogs i follow for about a month now.

People blog for different reasons.  I write because i love writing, and also because i have a deep desire to connect with people.  I've been hit and miss with that in blogging.  There are blogs where i try to make that connection, but the writer never seems to respond to me.  If it is a blog where i find the content very interesting, i will continue to read anyway.  Otherwise, in time i take them off my blog list.  

The list of blogs i was regularly reading was very, very long.  I think i had something like 120 blogs i was following.  I have spent today culling the list.  The thing is, i don't want to "lose" any of those.  Some of them have very good info on eating gluten free or on gardening or green living.  But i found the daily list too overwhelming.  

So i went thru the list today.  The blogs i read regularly and interact with the writers stayed on my "daily read" list.  The blogs of people i care about but don't interact with frequently, or the blogs of folks with babies - and i just can't take that daily - or the blogs of info i want access to read but not to show up daily have all been moved to another Google account.  I can access them when i need, but they won't be showing up daily and overwhelming me.

I'm left with a very manageable 56 blogs i follow, but most of these do not post daily.  A couple of them post very infrequently but i'm afraid if i move them to the other account i will miss the times they do post, and i don't want that.  I would guess there are only about six or seven that do daily posts.  Probably about 20 that do two or three posts a week, and the rest are occasional people.  If i read your blog (in the past) and comment, or you read mine and comment, you are in this regular reading list.  

I'm hoping this will help it to be more manageable for me and that i'll be resuming reading blogs.  Except, of course, we are getting ready to leave on a trip on Saturday, so i won't be doing much reading in the 10 days or so after that.  

Part of the reason i've not been writing much is that i am frankly struggling with anger and bitterness.  I am facing limitations that feel onerous to me, and are much more appropriate to a woman of 90 rather than one of 50.  I have to face the fact that we are not going to have children - yes, i know i have been "facing this fact" for a long time, but it too is eating at me.  I don't WANT to write in anger or bitterness.  And so i have not been writing much at all.  

What have i been doing?  Well, a lot of knitting.  Some crochet and other projects.  I have learned to tat (finally).  Tatting is not too hard, but there is one important part of it that takes a bit of practice to master.  I've still been dieting.  Thus far i have dropped 25 pounds (i didn't "lose it" because i certainly do NOT want to "find" it again!).  I'd like to drop another 25, but it will take time.  Still, i'm pleased that i'm getting into size 12 jeans now, but i would ultimately like to be in size 10 or really i'd like size 8.  But i am very, very pleased to be losing as this has been a struggle in the past.  But the dieting has been taking a fair amount of my energy, too.

I've also been looking for a doctor.  It shouldn't be that hard, but i'm finding it to be.  

I also learned more about the disability i'm fighting.  I'll write more on it another time, but i've learned there are many, many people (many thousands) injured by the drug Cipro or others in its class.  I am one of the lucky ones - i can still walk and drive and breathe on my own.  Let me say, if a doctor recommends Cipro or another fluoroquinolone drug to you, DO NOT TAKE IT without doing extensive research.  Doctors are not aware of the damage it does and give it for simple things like a cough or urinary tract infection.  This class of drugs should be reserved for someone who is dying and has no other choice.  The chance of serious harm from it is just too high otherwise.  Some of the people harmed have been young, and they are no longer able to walk and sometimes even breathe without a ventilator.  (One of my reasons for anger, recently.) 

Oh, and of course i've been planning and preparing for our trip.  I think i've been doing quite a lot of other things, too, but these things are what have come to mind.

I hope y'all are well, and i will be trying to visit and catch up with blogs this week.  

I love you all!  Thanks.  :) 


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Word of the day

I've a very busy morning, but i came across this at The Simple Dollar, and want to remember it:

Respect:

Respect does not mean belief that something is perfect. It merely means that you believe that something has value, flaws and all.

 I think this a very valuable thing to keep in mind as i come across folks every day.  He labels it as the opposite of contempt.   I, of course, try to respect each person in my life, but i sometimes struggle with contempt with their ideas at time (making me feel superior, of course).  It is the "flaws and all" part that caught me here. 


My first client is here.  Have a good day, everyone!




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Projects -

I am doing very well with my 12 days of Christmas project.  I figured it out, i am covering 21 people, so that comes to 252 small gifts!  I am sticking to the same stuff for the kids - a pencil case, pencils/pen, a snowflake ornament, stickers, a flashlight, a tote bag, finger puppets, etc.  For the adults i decided to do it a little differently.  Three people are already complete (except i'm going to give candy one day and i'll wait until Oct/Nov to buy it).  


Most of the tote bags i purchased inexpensively from eBay or other sources.  I'm making a few.  I still have 5 to make (my July project).  My August project is finger puppets, and i have started, but it is going to be a project!  I'm mostly doing animals - dogs, cats, birds, etc.  I made an alpaca yesterday.  


However, i already have almost all of September complete.    October is just to buy some inexpensive stickers for the different ones.  November is to make a necklace for the girls or a paracord bracelet for the boys.  December is candy (for every one but the baby who will be 14 months old then).  I'm anxious to have this all done and finished.  So i'm working at this faster than the one-gift-a-month.  My goal is to have it complete by Thanksgiving.  Then i won't have to worry about much at all for Christmas (a couple of folks for whom we are not doing 12 days things).  I also need to write up a small history of Christmas to send, so they will know the tradition behind this decision.  And, need i say? i don't anticipate doing this again!  But i'm having fun and i have decided that i probably want to have most of my Christmas gifts done in the summer in future years.

Here are the finger puppets i've finished so far.  I think they're cute.


I also have decided i'd like to learn to tat.  I have to admit that i don't see tatting nearly as useful or versatile as either knit or crochet (and i prefer to knit), but it has its own charm.  Mostly it is used for lace.  I have a tee shirt that i don't care for the way the collar is attached.  I thought i could remove it and replace it with a small triangle of tatted lace.  I can't say why i want to do this, except that i do!


So i purchased a tatting shuttle, extra bobbins, and tatting thread from eBay.  They arrived and i've been playing with it and breaking thread.  Tatting thread is quite fine.  I am going to need to move to a coarser crochet thread to learn, i think.  The whole point is to create knots on the "shuttle thread" that will slide.  Somehow i'm creating knots that just knot, and then break when i try to slide them.  

Okay, i've managed to make "a ring" now.  I think i know the basic tatting knots.  But i haven't been able to figure out how to go to the next one, attached.  When i've tried before to go to the next ring, i can't get the shuttle hand to slide.  I have found someone in Costa Mesa (where we stay in OC each week) who is giving beginning classes at Piecemakers (a quilting and craft shop) on weekends, but of course, i'm not there then.  I left a message at her blog asking if she does private teaching.  


I'm rather proud of my picots, by the way.  They are the little loops and the instructions state that it can take some practice to get them a consistent size.  






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Sifting thru

life!

I've been busy.  We had company a couple of times in July.  I LOVE having company, but am not sure how much i will be able to do this in the future.  I am running up against my limitations more frequently these days.  I won't be able to do events (like the currently running OC fair or the BB Antique Car Show) any more without a wheelchair.  I'm not sure how to make changes with company, but i need to.  I tried doing a ladies Bible study recently and found that with my other obligations, getting ready to leave for OC the following day, and the timing - i can't do it.  It simply takes all my energy.  


So, i think i am trying very hard to come to terms with my life such as it is.  And it IS a good life.  I can still do so much, especially compared to others who are disabled.  But it is also hard to run up against limitations of wanting to do something and simply not being able.  I'm not talking about climbing mountains, either!  Just gardening and visiting with friends.  


I was talking with Duane on our drive down Tuesday.  I was telling him that i don't think travel is something we will be able to do (other couples who are childless tend to travel quite a bit or have other activities in their lives). While discussing this i was hit with an overwhelming homesickness (i'm homesick for Montana mostly in the summer).  It also occurred to me that as i seem to be losing functioning, if we don't do it now, we might never be able to.  I could get better, i hope i get better, i want to get better, but there is the possibility i 
could get worse.  


So, if all things work out well, we are taking a quick trip to Montana late this month and early September.  The plan is to actually camp 2-3 of those nights, to spend nights with friends/family 3 nights, and in a motel 2-3 nights.  I don't know if we can do this, but i do know i want to try.  

I've been on the search for a doctor.  Not that i'm really hoping they can do much for me, but i do need this documented.  Saw someone here in BB.  Duane went with me and at first we both were pleasantly surprised with his answers - until i spoke of CFIDS/ME and disability.  Then he let us know - reading between the lines but clear none the less - that he thinks the majority of people on disability are malingering.  Oh.  Thanks.  


So i found another alternative med doc in OC, spent ten hours filling out her paperwork, and have hit a stall because i'm not willing to sign arbitration forms.  I think it is largely a moot area, for i can't see myself ever suing anyone (haven't yet in my life).  So, why not just sign them?  Because it is signing away Constitutional rights and my position is that we have lost too many already and are losing more each day.  I'm not willing to blithely sign them away.  I am quite willing to sign releases on things individually.  I'm happy to sign that i am aware that certain minerals, vitamins, and herbals are not "standard treatment" and that i'm willing to take the risk and other things like this.  But not a  free for all signing away my rights.  


I have also come across numerous websites of fluoroquinoline antibiotic poisoning (Cipro and Levaquin are two of these).  I had honestly thought it was the fluoride in the Cipro that did all the damage.  It might very well be.  But these antibiotics have done tremendous damage to many people.  I was aware that they have caused tendon degeneration that people have had difficulty healing from, but there is much, much more. There is a black box warning on them about rupturing tendons and also "worsening of myasthenia gravis symptoms" - muscle weakness.  In fact, i have to count myself one of the lucky ones because some of these folks are completely bed-bound, unable even to transfer themselves to a wheelchair without assistance.  

(So, i wasn't able to load the pic i wanted, but this is what i use.  You can find it at hCG 1234 website.)

On the positive side of this, i lost 15.5 pounds on the hCG diet and maintained the loss thru 3 weeks of "maintenance" and another week of "normal eating."  I also discovered that sugar can trigger a migraine for me.  And that gluten was probably doing more damage than i was willing to admit.  So even "normal diet" will not be including sugar (much) or gluten, or probably grains much at all, except as the rare occasional treat.  This is the diet i had been striving for, but was having such a hard time achieving.  


I began round 2 this past Monday, the actual diet began on Wednesday.  I have lost 3 pounds so far.  


Duane did the first round with me and lost 20 pounds.  I'm on my own this time as he has no more to lose.  His mother is doing this, too, but she isn't following the diet very carefully and is not losing as fast.  Still, in 3 weeks she lost 9 pounds and 7 inches (as measured by Curves).  The lady at Curves was very excited, thinking she had done it by exercise alone.
  
So, i am very pleased to be losing weight for the first time in 10 years.  I plan to do one more round after this one to get down to the weight i want to be.  :)  A nice benefit of the hCG drops is that i sleep better while taking them, too.  


I've much more to say, of course.  I always do!  About my projects and other things, but this is already long and i'll save it for the next post. 






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