One hundred posts in under 4 months. I knew i would be verbose, talkative, stuffy, trite, tiresome. I was called "Chatty Cathy" as a young child & hated it.
We were notified yesterday that a woman in our church, Karen, died very unexpectedly. I thought the message was a mistake for Karen has been taking care of her mother who is dying. But it was the daughter caring for the mother who died. I'm not sure, i think Karen is - was - in her late 50s. Her kids are grown & in their late 20s or older. If you think of it today, please pray for Karen's family as this must be such a shock to them.
Some folks in our church heard that i like irises. I guess they have a lot. So they brought me a whole bag of iris bulbs & instructions on how to plant them. Whooo-hooo! Next year i'll have irises to join my tulips & trillium! :)
I had three people this week ask me if i've lost weight. Nice thought. But the scale stays stubbornly at the same place (+/- 2 pounds).
Duane put up shelves for me on Sunday afternoon. So i've moved all my books, set up a cozy corner for me to read or use my laptop. Maybe i'll post pics of it later today.
Our weather has been unusually warm, in the 70s during the day, & lows in the 40s, which is highly unusual. We shouldn't have such warm weather for another 6 weeks or so. But i think it has been warmer all over. OC is having summertime weather already.
My bad not to give credit to the pics i used in the last post. Those were all taken by Sis #3. Two years ago August was my grandmother's 90th birthday. Sis went & took many pics she shared with me. Most were of family. Didn't she do a great job with a point & shoot camera?
We chose not to go for that birthday, tho it was a little hard for me. It seemed like i should be there to honor my grandmother. But we had been there only a year & a half before, & i knew i would have to be going for this wedding anniversary. (I would feel compelled by conscience to be there.) And i have no intention of making a habit or establishing a pattern of being there every 2 years, so we didn't go to the birthday.
I have a ton of laundry to do in the next couple of days. And a messy kitchen to clean. And 82 invitations to a Wedding Anniversary to send out. I need to get busy.
Thank y'all for the comments on my last post. I seriously debated putting that "in print" so to speak. It is so very bizarre, & i have had people in my past not believe me, which makes it even that much harder.
If it sounds like i've not healed yet it isn't so. Those memories had not occurred to me for a long time. Somehow this week's Mother's day & the coming visit dredged them up. But God has healed me. He has even, somewhat, healed my relationship with my mother. Sometimes i think it could be healed further if i were willing, but the fact is i don't want to be close to her. I still find that idea scary. However, from the experiences of my sisters, i don't think it is possible to be close to her in a healthy way.
There are things that are painful yet & will always be painful, but they did not destroy me & they no longer dictate my life. I am, however shaped by them. That's not a bad thing.
100
I mean that literally!
When we first began attending our church, i told the pastor that i've had issues with Mother's Day for many years & had stopped attending church that day. He told me (two years ago) he wouldn't be giving a homily on Mother's Day, the subject would be something else. And that they gave all women coming to church that day a flower regardless of their "mother" status.
Well, yes, that was true two years ago, but it was not true last year. And Father's Day disturbed Duane as well. So we have decided to forgo church on those days. Sunday we are planning to make a picnic lunch (no point it trying to eat out that day) & take it on a trip over the mountains. I don't know if we'll go toward Glass Canyon or Holcomb Valley, but we plan to have fun.
As i have said before, i've wanted to be a mama for a long, long time. I was fantasizing about it before i was physically able to have a child. So, already by my late teens Mother's Day was hard for me as i so wanted to be a mama.But also has been hard for me because i have a hard time honoring my own mother. Mother's Day could take a special meaning for me if i could think warm & fuzzy thoughts about the woman who brought me into the world. However . . .This is going to be kind of ugly.I'm not going to touch on my childhood. I'm going to talk of things that happened when i was an adult. I graduated HS on my 18th birthday, & was gone 2 weeks later. Except for the very occasional over night stay (one Christmas Eve) or the 3 weeks my parents went to Europe & i stayed with my sisters while they were gone, i didn't stay/visit at their home for many years.
My mother was very controlling without good boundaries when i was a child. She really struggled with the letting go when i moved away. I was told some years later, not at the time, that she would call my work (i was a nanny) in the evening & ask where i was. "She's not answering her phone at home. Where has she gone? Who is she with?"
My mother would drop by the house where i was a day time nanny. One day she came to the door. She had her hands behind her back & a funny smile i'd come to know & distrust on her face."You'll never guess what i found at the house today," she told me. I was backing up quickly by this point. She followed me into the house. "THIS is what i found." She swiftly brought out a jar with a black widow spider contained & stuck it about 2 inches from my nose.
I backed up quickly & she followed me, putting it in my face again. "Aren't they interesting?" I backed up again quickly, & she followed. "Do you see the red fiddle on her abdomen?"
At this point in time, i kind of "blacked out" my memory, which happened often those days. But there was a witness to this. The mama of "my" baby for whom i was nanny happened to be home for lunch. She has told me it was the funniest thing she had ever seen. Both funny in laugh meter & funny as bizarre. My mother chased me around that living room with the spider for about 5 minutes.I don't remember if i had a spider phobia before that - i probably did - but it was severe after that time. I'm over it now, but whoa!When my parents planned a trip to Europe, my mother told me she "couldn't go" if i would not comply with her wishes to meet with a pastor.
It feels strange even to write that now, for the two things are not even related. If she said something like that to me a few years later i would have learned to say, "Gee, i'm really sad that you would choose not to take a trip to Europe when you have the chance. That's too bad. But it is your choice."
I complied with her wishes & saw this pastor. He told me i was demon possessed & needed to obey my parents. I needed to see him weekly for counseling & exorcism. I declined to continue that relationship.The Christian Women's Club i was a part of had a mother/daughter banquet that year. I invited my mother. But i was also there with someone who was my mother's mentor, & her daughter-in-law, Betty, who is the woman who is my mentor/spiritual mama. I love her dearly, but my mother does not. I had made a very pretty dress for that banquet. It was strapless, but modest. Again, my memory is mostly blacked out, but "my
mama" tells me that mother belittled me throughout the entire meal & program. Largely because of the dress.
I do remember the end of the program. The speaker had been talking about how we are often like our own mothers. We got up to leave & my mother said, "I surely hope i am not like my mother. There would be nothing worse. That really scares me." I didn't know how to respond to that statement. Thinking about the whole evening & how i had been treated what could i say to that? Didn't feel like i could say, "Damn mother, it scares me too!" But that is what i was thinking.
My mother also took "my mama" Betty to lunch once & told her why her influence on me was so bad & that she should no longer have anything to do with me. I was not told of that conversation then. When Betty told me of it a few years later she said, "I had always assumed you had had a typical unhappy childhood & felt misunderstood. You had never said much about your childhood & when you did i assumed you were exaggerating somewhat. I changed my mind that day. If she could try to be that manipulative with me,
i can't imagine what she was like to you as a child."
I moved away. Met the guy who became my first husband. When i called my mother to tell her i wanted a June wedding, her response was, "We'll be out of town then."
We moved to CA & were married justice of the peace style.
I had a couple of old dolls i'd inherited. They were from between 1895 & 1910, bisque head dolls with paper mache bodies. True antiques. Mother told me there were some dolls my aunts didn't want, would i like them? She did tell me they were not in good condition.
"Sure" i said, "send them along."
Opening that box was like opening something from a horror show. The dolls were rubber or plastic that had split, cracked, & fallen apart. The stuffing from part of them was leaking out, & the dolls were sticky like honey had been poured over them. I've never seen something as disgusting & disturbing in my life.
Another time she sent me a "care package." She'd poured a bag of jelly beans into a jar & it was half full. She wrapped up everything very carefully. But on top of everything she put a very delicate, fragile decorative glass cup. She did not wrap or protect that in any way so that when the box arrived sharp thin splinters of glass were blanketed over the top of the wrapped items & the shards had settled into every nook & cranny.
The last issue that comes to mind is something i'm not sure of. When i graduated from college i did everything short of being rude to my parents by telling them blankly that i did not want them to come. I tried over & over to let them know that i would not welcome their attendance. They didn't listen. So they came. I don't remember that week very clearly, either. I "shut down" in order to survive.My mother brought a package for me, but again she had that odd smile that i don't trust. She had brought me a magnolia blossom (here in So. Cal we had them blooming everywhere). She had wrapped it in damp paper towels, & had it in a weird vegetable box.
By that time i was being very cautious about her gifts. I put it in the car & later tossed it in the garbage. The next day i had a huge red spot like a bug or spider bite on my knee cap. It looked so bizarre that i took a pen & traced the edges. The first day it was about 2 inches in diameter. The day after that it had grown to about 4 inches, but it didn't grow more than that. I believe it was because the point of origin was over the bone of my knee cap & not over muscle & other fiber. If it had been i think it would have been very serious indeed. And when she saw it, my mother made a really big deal about it.
As i said, there is nothing conclusive about this. In fact, any of these incidents taken alone is not much. But it is a pattern that continued for a long time. And, it was a pattern that grew out of the strange things that happened when i was a child. And in most of these adult incidents i had witnesses. The friend i showed that box of dolls was more horrified than i.
Things are not so bad now. My mother has mellowed. She could have made my wedding day to the most wonderful Mr. Duane a living nightmare, but she did not. She tries to be supportive & normal. I try to honor her as best i can.
We are a month out, now, from when we will be visiting them. Already i'm beginning to be anxious. I usually can do well, but if i have too long a phone conversation with her i find myself hyperventilating or wanting to bang my head against a wall.
I can't do anything about it. We are going. Getting anxious in advance doesn't help. I try not to think about it too much.
And, in her defence, my mother had a pretty miserable childhood herself.
This is really long. I've been writing long posts. Guess i've a lot swimming around my head. Thanks for listening!
The pics are from a summer green Kentucky, where we will be headed soon. I do have pleasant memories of spending summers playing with my cousins both in KY & TN. (Get my long lost Southern accent polished!)
The beautiful pics are of KY, my sis took them in Aug 2007. Thank you Sis #3!
99
Subtitle: Most of the pieces are swept up.
On Friday i posted a long tale of some of my medical issues, specifically gluten-free/celiac issues. One of the responses to that was about Kaylee. (I want to state here i know the comment was not intended to be cruel or cause me pain. I believe it was made with the kindest of intent.) I lost Kaylee at 10+ weeks & have mentioned her fairly frequently in this blog. She's even more on my mind than ever as Mother's Day is this coming Sunday, & the 26th is the 3rd anniversary of her due date. She is also mentioned here because these are things i can't say to the general public. People don't understand & don't know how to respond. So i've learned to keep my mouth shut, but it is posted here.
I didn't really understand the comment which was that i'm being hard on myself over Kaylee. ??? I was writing on celiac vs. gluten-intolerance. Kaylee was mentioned only in passing (i thought) because i started on the gluten-free track in order to be healthy enough to get pregnant. But i understood enough to be shattered, broken, & cry uncontrollably. That continued on & off for the next 18 hours or so. Now, i've written this before, but i reiterate: i HATE crying. At least, i hate when i cry.
But a number of things were happening as i was crying. First, i knew she was right. I have known for some time that i need to let it go.
When i first had the miscarriage i was sad, unhappy, disappointed, etc. etc. Duane & i both cried. But it didn't seem to effect me all that much. I'd heard stories of women who had miscarriages, even very early miscarriages, who were so decimated by the loss that they couldn't function for weeks or months. I remember thinking, "It didn't hit me that hard. It wasn't so bad." I wasn't being critical of the ones who had such a hard time afterward, just thinking that it didn't effect me that way.
However, as time has gone on i'm finding it harder & harder. I made the assumption that because we had conceived once we would conceive again. It just was a matter of time & waiting. But that has not happened. I am currently trying to accept that we may not ever have children.
And, as i was crying i found myself crying, "But she is all i have! She is all i'm ever going to have. I'm never going to be a mama. She is ALL i have." But i know, i know, i know i have to let go of it.
I don't know how.
I don't know how NOT to think, "Kaylee would be three now." "Logan is 2 months older than Kaylee would be." "Kaylee would be able to wear Hailey's hand me downs." I don't know how to stop my brain from that track.
Neither do i know how NOT to think, "Today is day 13 of my cycle." Or "In another week i would be 2 days late. Maybe i can test then." I don't know how to stop "trying." How do i stop being aware of what is happening naturally every month? I DO NOT know how to stop my brain from following these tracks. I would guess this is why i've read that women who have children after infertility still have "infertility mindset."
Also what what going thru my mind is how that i am accused - by myself - in this statement. I've been meaning to write before, but sometimes folks tend to take a "you" & "us" mentality. I've struggled with this some because i read blogs of loss, but the loss occurs when they have other children. So my thought tends to be, "But you HAVE children!" (I really don't like this about myself. I'm sharing my bad.) I KNOW that loss is loss & that losing a child is always heartbreaking. If you had 20 children, losing one is still painful. Losing a loved one is always heartbreaking. Shoot, losing a pet cuts deep. So the comment was an indictment of me in the way i think of others & the pain others experience it. It was pointing a finger at me for lack of compassion of the pain others go thru.
Where was my beloved husband in all of this? Well, he had gotten a new video game . . .
But i didn't want to tell him, especially when i was crying. He tends to be protective of me & i knew he would be critical of the person's comment, or of my blogging in general. (He is a guy after all, & he wants to "fix" it for me or make it go away, & sometimes that means the simplest - but not the best - way to make it stop.)
So on our way down the hill today i broached the issue. (We are so blessed to spend 4 hours a week together this way!) I told him i didn't know whether to talk about it or not. We haven't talked about the baby issue very much because, what is there to say? It is not happening. We saw a reproductive endocrinologist & decided that was not the path for us. So time has gone by.
So we talked about it today. Neither of us cried. But we are both heartbroken, in much the same way. It is hard for both of us to see little children, especially the cousins of any children we would have. Duane finds it difficult, too, that we lost our baby when her heart was still beating, for no good reason except she implanted in the wrong place.
I can't say much about that conversation because we didn't say much that is important, what was to say? But we shared. And we talked a lot about contentment & wanting "the next thing." As a whole, i'm pretty content. Love my husband, where we live, our house, our church, friends & family. I'm wondering if we did have a family what i would "want next."
And something Duane said sparked something in me. We don't pray together much. (Now i've just horrified the strong Christian Women who read this.) We always pray together before meals. (We didn't do this in the early days of our marriage. It has grown.) I suggested spending the next 31 days praying together, but the focus of our prayer to be on the things we are grateful for. Prayers of thankfulness. And the hope that doing this will either give us direction in where we are to go, or will help us come to terms with childlessness.
I'm still struggling to come to the point i can accept i am not a mama, & i'm not likely to be. I will probably still mention Kaylee when i feel the need. But the comment, even tho it crushed me, helped me to take a couple more steps toward acceptance. And for that i'm very grateful.
This is a quote from The Road Less Travelled, which is a quote from a book called "Trying Again." It rather sums up the feelings i've been having.
"My body betrayed me when it failed to sustain my baby. Now it's failing me again by not giving me another chance at pregnancy. I am very afraid that Katie was my one shot at motherhood and I blew it. What an awful feeling to be so close [emphasis mine here] to something you've wanted for so long, only to have it snatched away, with no reassurances that you'll ever have anything like it again. With every passing month, I feel my hope of having a baby slip further and further from my grasp."
I don't intend this blog to be primarily about infertility & loss, but that is bound to come up as that is some of what is happening in my life. So, i've swept up most of the pieces, but there may be a few shards left around i step on.
98
Curly Muse has tagged me for a four. You go to your fourth album & choose your fourth pic to share. My albums are in chronological time. I'm going to whine a little as my 4/4 is very boring.
It was taken about a month after i met Duane. He was in Wisconsin with his family for a wedding. I was not there. I only know about half the folks in this pic. I don't remember all their names. This was taken in his Aunt Regina's kitchen.
So i'm going farther, & doing 3/3, 2/2, & 1/1. Not that they are all that interesting, either.
Three of three was taken at his sister's triathlon in San Clemente, in 2003. I had not met any of his family at this point, & knew i was 
going to meet his sis (step-sis, but they were very close), her husband, & his niece Kassidy. When we were headed to the starting point to watch them off & looking for BIL & Kass, some woman went by us & said something like: "They aren't here yet but soon will be." I assumed she was talking to someone else, but no. She was talking to us. It was Duane's mom. He didn't know she would be there. It was kind of a shock to my system (shy me) to meet his mom & step-dad when i didn't know it was coming. On the other hand, it saved me some worry in advance!
Two of two is a pic of the creek near my parents' & grandparents' homes.
Pic one of one is interesting, because it is the only pic i have of Katie. She was the daughter of Duane's step-brother & his wife. She died a few months before i met Duane. This is the pic that will pop up by default on my computer, because it is the first one so i've seen it alot. I'd never given it much thought, but last Thanksgiving the family came by to see Sugarbear (our house we'd bought the winter before). Duane was showing various different pics & this one popped up. His sister in law was so excited. She'd never seen this pic & said it is the best she has ever seen of herself & Katie. So Duane made copies for them.
Sorry, i can't do anything like anyone else.
Here are the four i'm tagging:
David @ Sugarloaf Mountain
Abigail @ Rear Window
Jingle @ Just Jingle
Jana @ I Can't Wanna
I'm off to let them know!
97
Taking a station break while i sweep up the pieces.
96
Subtitle: Celiac, Gluten intolerance, pain issues, chronic fatigue, trying to conceive, trying to conceive after 40
I also plan to try to stick to facts here, & not delve into emotion too much. Probably not much humor here either. I may throw in some pics to break it up!
Also Curly Muse from Discovering Mars asked why we are away from home two nights a week. So i added a link in the column over to the right linking to my first 2 posts. Number 2 explains why we're gone two nights a week.Jessie from Blog Smog (glutenfree4goofs!) wrote me recently. I really appreciate her blog on baking & cooking gluten free & also her commitment to her kids & raising them in a healthy environment. I'm going to answer her directly, but my answer might be too long, & involved. Also, for those interested it will be here as well. Her question was if i have celiac disease & that it could be related to fertility. My answer to that is quite long.
I came across this vid on infertility at another blog yesterday. I didn't feel i "learned something" so much as it seemed to beautifully illustrate the pain of living with this.
_______________________
Celiac disease - we will probably never know if i have celiac disease. (The link will give basic info on this.) In order to test for celiac disease the patient must have been eating products with gluten in them for 4 to 6 weeks before the tests are done. They run some blood work & if this is positive they do a biopsy of the small intestine to confirm the diagnosis. It is recommended that people not start a gluten-free diet until they have already had the testing to confirm.
I didn't start out to have a gluten-free diet, & i don't think i had ever heard of celiac disease when i began eating gluten-free.
Also, a MD would NEVER have looked at me & thought "celiac" at that time, probably not now, either. Celiac prevents your body from absorbing nutrients in the small intestine & so "traditionally" people with celiac are very thin & unhealthy & unable to gain weight. In the years since then some docs working with this find that celiac also can result in overweight issues as the body stores the stuff it doesn't know how to deal with, tho nutritional deficits are still in play. However, most MDs haven't kept up with this info & still are operating on what they were taught 15 or 20 years ago & so don't think of celiac in someone of normal or over weight.
I've been dealing with fatigue issues since i was 14 or 15. I started seeing docs looking for an answer when i was 16 (& that age because i had a job & could pay for it; my parents were unaware i saw these docs). I knew there was something physically wrong with me, but the docs told me "depression." So in my 20s i was looking into whatever i could think of or find as a possible explanation. Anemia, low blood sugar, i don't remember all the things i looked at. But when i would present them to a MD, & especially when all the tests returned "normal" they immediately said "depression." In time, yes i was depressed because i was so tired, & because of my family life/childhood i carried a lot of baggage, but i don't think i ever quite believed it as depression & only depression. Also none of the anti-depressants they gave me - & i think i tried them all plus some combinations - ever helped much, if at all.
Also, in my early 20s i began having severe - & i mean REALLY severe - pain issues related to my cycle. I've never heard of anyone else having anything remotely similar to what i had. I think i've already blogged about this, but let me say that NO pain med of any type was helpful. I tried them all, codeine-based, anti-inflammatory, everything they had to throw at me. Demerol did not help. I eventually learned that Diludid did work, but that is not something you can be on 10 days out of the month.
A couple of years after college (in the mid-90s) i came across the idea of candida overload causing issues like i was facing. Now, any conventional MD worth his salt would immediately refute this. I had one tell me that the only people who had candida issues were people with advanced, terminal AIDS. But by this time i had decided that MDs don't know nearly as much as they think they do & i needed to try something. So i began a "modified" candida diet - which is essentially gluten-free. The early stage of a candida diet is simply Meat, Eggs, (limited) Vegetables & Yogurt. This alone is not healthy, but the plan only has you stay at this phase for 4 weeks or so. And, within 4 to 6 weeks my pain level was down by 50%.
Now you would think that i'd be over the moon about this, & i was. But in time i began adding back in things i missed & before long i was back to where i was before. A couple of years later i tried the straight candida diet - not modified. They warn you not to do this without a doc's supervision, but i couldn't afford that. They also warn you that you WILL be sick if you have candida issues because the die-off of the yeast is toxic. And i was sick. And sick. And sick. I had expected 2-3 days of flu-like symptoms. I did not expect 7 days of the worst flu i'd ever had. In desperation i called a doc that handled candida issues on day 5. His office was rather rude to me & his initial fee was $300. I just ached all over. Instead of seeing him i went & had my first ever massage. (And the result of that was i became a massage therapist a couple of years later.)
I know now that had i continued the program even just a few more days i would have broken thru & started to get better. But i was so discouraged & depressed & just didn't care that i went back to my very unhealthy, processed-food, gluten & junk food heavy diet. My mental health went down hill, & only by the grace of God did i get thru that.
Eventually i did get healthier in my mind (tho how that happened on the "food" i was eating only God knows). About 18 months after i was pulling up out of that tail spin i met Duane (we are coming up on the 6 year anniversary of that). He knew of my pain issues early on, & that i might not be able to have children. In fact, i tried very hard to scare him away with stories of my history because i thought he was just really too nice a guy to be tied down with me.
I didn't scare him off & 10 Sept 2004 we were married. On 1 Oct i began the "modified candida diet" to try to get the pain level down enough to go off birth control. (Being on the birth control pills & later the ring did lower my pain levels some. However low-dose estrogen birth control - which i was on during that tail spin - really messed with my head. A psychiatrist i saw later called that type of BCP "psychic poison.")
In Jan 2005 i went off birth control & another med i was on (topamax for migraine & depression but cannot be taken while pregnant) & did the full candida diet, warning Duane that i might become very ill. But that did not happen. I guess that the modified version had cleared me enough that i didn't have much left to do the die-off that had made me so very ill before. And my pain level was down very tolerable. When i was eating the unhealthy diet, my pain level was typically 9 sometimes even 10, so bad that i just didn't want to live. Fortunately for me it was intermittent. Had it been constant i probably would have killed myself long ago. After doing the candida cleanse the pain was down to 4 or 5, where i found it to be very livable.
In February i was baking some biscuits for Duane & i snagged one. Within half an hour i had a raging migraine. Oops, better not do that again. Then in March Duane & i shared a pizza. Again a raging migraine. And i was on my way to learning that while candida may have been an overt problem for me, gluten is an ongoing constant.
But gluten is such a part of our culture & food & the things that we like. I had a hard time being consistent. And my reaction to eating gluten was not consistent, either. Sometimes i'd have the headache. The smallest amount could raise the cycle-related pain to previous levels. But other times it didn't bother me. I discovered that it seemed to be hormone/progesterone related, & so early in the month i was "safe" later in the month was disastrous. So i stayed gluten free most of the time.
In June 2005 i went off Prozac, the last routine med i had been on. (I used to really, really believe in the medical system & "better living thru chemistry," & so i used to use a lot of Rx meds.) At that time they were saying that Prozac was safe in pregnancy, especially if the mother "needed" it. But i read an article saying that they had done testing on 4 & 5 year olds whose mothers had taken Prozac during pregnancy. They said there was a difference in the brains of these children compared to children whose mothers had not taken meds. The article said they didn't really know what the difference was, how it occurred, or even if it was important, but there was a significant difference. My decision was that it is not fair to a child to take any kind of chance, & i quit the Prozac. And i've never looked back. I have found i didn't need it, & that eating healthy did for me all the things that anti-depressants never did.
In August that year i began seeing an acupuncturist. I was pregnant within 3 weeks of that first appointment. Unfortunately, we lost that pregnancy at 10+ weeks, on 16 Oct. Her heart was still beating, but she implanted low & as i moved she tore away from the uterine wall & was pushing out my cervix. Duane swore it was a girl, & so we call her Kaylee. This has been my only confirmed pregnancy. I have had 2 others i believe, but they were early losses without + test.
The new few months following this loss i ate gluten-free most of the time. But in the spring of 2006 i had trouble staying motivated. Eventually i wanted to KNOW if i really had to eat gluten-free & started eating gluten again so that i could be tested. Also during that time a neurologist i saw for migraines documented the migraines as largely triggered by gluten so that i would have it in a medical record. The family doc i had then also documented "gluten intolerance." After 3 weeks of eating gluten regularly i was quite ill, & ran the blood tests. They came back negative. It may be that i just didn't wait long enough (it might have been 6 weeks before i had a + test) & even then i would have had to continue eating gluten for the biopsy. I decided that it was obvious i was gluten-intolerant & that it didn't matter that much whether i had celiac or not.
I still "cheat" on occasion with gluten. Because my reactions are not consistent, i don't seem to be as sensitive as some gluten-free people i know, i usually can get away with this without extreme consequences. However, as time has gone on i find that many of these things just don't taste all that good to me any more. These days "cheating" often consists of a thumb-nail sized piece of Duane's bread at a restaurant with some butter. I rarely want more. There are some things i'd like to learn to make - squaw bread is one i really miss, & focassia is another. But i have learned to make a number of things, brownies & poppy seed muffins & coffee cake & short bread are a few, that other people don't even realize are made with non-gluten flours. And i'm anxious to try more with the new Xanthan Gum i bought.
_____________________________
I was going to write more on the things i've done to be healthier & try to have a family, meaning the changes we have made in our home. In brief they are changing over to organic foods, fewer processed foods, changing the things i use to clean & cook with, the soaps & products we use, oh a long list of things. I've done a lot of alternative therapies. Also i have learned that the issues i have are beyond gluten-intolerance. However, this post is extremely long & i think i've said enough.
But, please let me add this: I am not 100% anti-conventional medicine. I believe it has a place in our lives. But it think it has the wrong priority with most Americans these days. We want a pill or a quick fix. Even if a doc recommends a diet, it often is not a good one. There is too much of a "low fat" & "all fat is bad" attitude for us to be healthy. Processed foods that say "low fat" are not healthy. Sugar substitutes are chemical & not healthy. I could go on & on.
My experience - & this makes it anecdotal & an opinion only - is that most of the problems we experience with chronic illnesses could be addressed or managed with diet & healthy living. The depression the docs kept telling me i had was largely resolved by the many healthy changes i have made. Now i am not saying that this would cure 100% of folks diagnosed with depression, but i can't help but wonder if 50-80% would not be much improved if they changed their diets & other chemicals they are exposed to.
And, i've known couples in their 40s who had tried fertility Tx, IVF & all, & had it be unsuccessful. Then when they quit trying & began eating a healthy diet they got pregnant on their own.
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I am not denying that there are people who need the fertility treatment & who will not get pregnant without medical intervention. I am not dissing those who chose that path. But i can't help but wonder if many of those people would not need medical intervention if they made lifestyle changes that many would consider drastic. If nothing else, especially the younger ones, i would so much encourage them to spend a year really looking at what healthy living is & make those changes before turning their lives over to the medical professionals.
Ok, off my soap box. Sorry.
If you're read this far you are amazing!
This is myself with Logan, summer of 2007. Duane's cousin's child, who is 2 months older than Kaylee would be.
95
I don't make cards very often any more, but i used to quite a lot. Also, in 96-98 i was doing artwork and selling it to companies that made rubber stamps. Two companies actually. Both went out of business. Honestly i don't know if i even own these pics any more. They probably still retain the copyright even tho they are not doing business any more. A couple of the pics that might not be true of, because there was a class action against the company (i didn't add to the filing. I think i only sold 2 or three pics for about $75). Quite a few of the pics i know i did sell the copyright.
So here are some of the things i used to draw. Before you go crazy and tell me how good they are, let me inform you that they were quick tracings. I'd find pics i like in magazines and trace the outlines and put dots where the eyes were, then draw in the rest how i wanted them to be. Since i only made $10-25 a pic, i had to do them fast. 
But they are "mine" in that i decided how to draw in the eyes and where to put the folds and shadows, etc. I can draw freehand, but i have to spend much more time on it.
The beach scene and the angel i still own, i know. The beach scene was to be used at a local resturant as their children's menu. One of several i did. I was friends with the wife of the owner. They asked me to do them. I don't remember if i was paid, but i retained the copyright. It was mostly trying to get some business, but it never really went anywhere.
So here it is: My big art career!
(P.S. this was long before i met and married Duane, so my name isn't "ford" any more.)
94
Ok, when something funny occurs to me, i can't wait too long or i'll forget it. I miss my brain. Sigh. :(
Yesterday i commented on some different posts. I don't do that a lot. And when i commented, they have moderation, so i had to type in one of the funny non-words they create.
One of the words was funny. I think it was basepass or something similar. It made me smile & wonder what would happen if i created a story including some of these funny non-words. The Notleth vdoed objeting down the street to meet Jolimme. His thoughts were on dytest nornsi & the conversation between Shees Cliddl & Stiffing Proutger which was just not islit.
My mind works in funny ways, i guess. :)
93
Big Bear is known for being beautiful year 'round. We have so many sunny days at our high altitude that we have a solar observatory (not public) out off the North Shore of the Lake. If you enlarge the pic (click on it) you'll see the observatory near the center of the pic on the far shore.
Today is no exception. Of course, it was 27 F last night, & 18 F the night before, but the day is so beautiful. I appreciate so much that we are able to live here. I hate being away from home the 2 nights we are gone, but that it allows us to live here makes it worth it.
This was the first day since Saturday that i woke up & was not in a great deal of pain. My neck is still a little stiff but it is not painful every minute & is not stopping me from doing things. And it did not wake me up last night. I AM SO THANKFUL. I'm still a bit sore from the massage, but not horrible. And i totally agree with you Rosemary, i'd much rather have a pleasant massage than a painful one, even if the painful ones have good benefits.
In general, i think being in pain so that it is hard to move or think or breathe is a good thing for me once in a while. I wouldn't want it often. But it is a reminder. I know a couple of people who are in constant pain, & it is good to know what that is like. I do have fairly frequent pain, but it is something i've lived with for a long time & have adapted to. So i have become rather complacent. Being in extreme pain occasionally (please Lord, not too long!) helps me remember to be more empathetic & compassionate with the folks i work with. My massage practice is largely pain management, so it important to remember how difficult life is when in extreme pain.
My wonderful husband encouraged me to join him with a stretching DVD this AM. He did the full hour. I was only able to manage about 8 minutes before i knew i'd be going over my limit. I pressed on a little more, doing some stretches here & there. I told him if we daily did 10 minutes or so morning & night, that in time i'd probably be able to do more. It doesn't feel like i'm doing so much at the time, but if i push myself too hard i hit the "chronic fatigue" wall & for my baby step forward i take about 10 giant steps back. It is very discouraging, & at times i feel like giving up. I'm so glad he encouraged me to do this today. :)
I've bananas that need to be made into bread. And i'd like to experiment with a gluten-free squaw bread. And i've wonderful poppy seed muffins that we'd like more of. They don't last very long! Probably have cheese enchiladas tonight. I think it is fortunate in some ways that i haven't much energy for cooking/baking. I would focus on all the wonderful things like short bread & pies & cookies & muffins, etc. Even tho i'm baking them "healthy" with whole gluten-free grains & such, eating those kinds of things regularly is not good. Best saved for a rare occasional treat.
Hope y'all are having a beautiful day as well.
92
It seems ironic i was given an "Attitude of Gratitude" award when i feel so cranky!
I mentioned it was a hard weekend. Duane was away Saturday helping a friend. I had so many things planned to do while he was gone & i don't think i did any of them.
Sunday AM he made it back in time for church, & called me when he was half an hour away. So i got up, & within 10 or 15 minutes i was in a great deal of pain. It was my neck. I couldn't flex or extend it without a significant amount of pain, i still could rotate it with near full range of motion, but it was uncomfortable. And as the day went on it didn't get better & nothing helped. I tried trigger point & regular massage & heat & a pain cream (it is so good, i recommend it often - if you've questions on it email me) & lots of different positions. Nothing helped. So i waited it out until i could get to work & Dean could adjust me. And that helped some. Reduced the issue by about 50%. He did find patterns that i've never had (was adjusting me in spots i've never needed before).
Yesterday i had another massage with the same person from a couple of weeks ago. We are doing a trade for a little while. I've decided she does know what she's doing, & what she's doing does help, but i don't like it all that much. It is therapeutic massage in the extreme (i'm pretty sore today). While i recognize the benefit of this, i'd rather have a massage where i just relax & feel good. The massage helped my neck too.
But last night i was awake every 2 hours because the pain was waking me up. I tried sleeping with a pillow, without a pillow, sleeping in the recliner, nothing helped. It still isn't as bad as it was Sunday & Monday AM, so what have i to complain about? The fact is i didn't DO anything to cause this. I've never been in this much pain before without having a reason. In fact, i didn't hurt this much after the car accident in December.
I've a lot of thoughts percolating in my brain box. About Job & other issues i read in other folks' blogs. I also am on the edge of tears. It wouldn't take anything at all to dissolve me into a weepy bunch of shapeless rags. (My corrected typo here was "shapeless rage" & that could happen too, i suppose.)
I think i'll stop now, however. This is the reason i've not been writing the past couple of days. It is hard for me to post this without a joke or pretty picture. I do try to turn things in a way that they can seem funny. But i'm too close to it right now. It does seem i should be able to do that with the irony of my attitude. Gratitude?
Well, yes. I was in such a hurry the other day i forgot to add what i intended to my 8 Meme. It is an i'm grateful 8. If you're doing the meme, i'd encourage you to include it.
- i'm so grateful for a happy marriage & the wonderful man who loves me in spite of everything
- i'm thankful that we have flexible jobs that allow us to live where we choose, even if we have to leave our home 2 nights a week
- i'm thankful that we were able to buy a home, something we didn't think possible
- i'm thankful for our kitties who are funny & do like "the people" even when they pretend they don't, sometimes
- i'm so grateful to find a church that truly loves Jesus & is intent on living for him
- i'm so thankful for all our friends & family
- i'm really grateful for the internet & the opportunity to meet new people & have new friends i never would have come across before
- i'm grateful, thankful, & almost wordless for God's love for me & the hope i have to someday be with him
91
