Ash Wednesday

I was awake this AM at 5.30, so we went to the service at 6.30. We don't often get (or make) the time to attend St. James, so it was fun to go. An added bonus was my dear friend Linda was there which was simply a joy. The church in BB does an Ash Wednesday service as well, but i thought it would be nice to go today down here. Also their tradition is different. I don't know if this is all Lutheran Churches or just this one. The ashes are placed on your forehead, but you go directly to the baptismal font & have them removed to symbolize what Jesus did for us. I understand this symbolism & think it very pretty & apt. However, i think it is too soon. If they were removed on the way out of church, i'd be ok with it. But to me it is too soon. The point of Lent is to remember & prepare for what Jesus did. Immediately washing the ash away, to me, is making it too cheap.

The pastor this morning spoke of the age-old question of whether to remove them or go thru the day with them on. Part of the scripture today was about not "proclaiming" your good deeds before men. So he said that washing the ashes is an answer to that. On the other hand, it can be a witness. So he made no recommendations either way.

Something in the liturgy today made me think of a relationship i have. I often am disappointed that this person makes no time for me & appears to have no interest in a relationship. To be fair, the person of which i speak is very, very busy. But still i'm disappointed i don't get even a scrap of time anywhere. But the liturgy made me aware that i am probably disappointing to this person as well. There may be things that i'm not doing that i should, & i'm not even aware of how i'm stumbling & being a disappointment. Thank God that he promises to restore!

I had several other "profound" thoughts during the service (even was wondering if i was being "tempted" because i wasn't focusing on the service as well as i thought i should) but those thoughts have disappeared into the ether. I hate losing my brain.

One of the patients in the office where i work considers herself psychic. I will say that she is very intuitive & seems to "know" things. She was telling Dr. Geske that she knew he would be having a girl, & she thought her name would be "Mary" or something close. (Dean & Megan decided not to know the sex before she was born, & didn't share the names they chose). So when she was told the baby is Meredith, she wasn't surprised. She wanted to know if Dr. Geske wanted to know when his next would be born. He declined. Part of me wants to say, "I want to know! Tell me! Will i ever have children? Will i ever get pregnant?" But, i don't believe that is what God desires of me. He calls me to patience. So i'm praying for patience.

Dr. Ketner's daughter is pregnant, due in early October, about the time i would have been due had we actually been pregnant this time around. I don't feel much, now. I don't feel jealous or numb or anything. Like it doesn't matter. Please God, help me to walk whatever line i need to, & be patient.

My CA sis & i chatted yesterday, & she asked if i'm pregnant. Said she'd dreamed i was pregnant with a boy, & then dreamed of him after he was born. I told her i hope she's a prophet! She said she can't remember any of her dreams coming true.

My dear friend Brenda took seriously my Christmas letter saying we are "open to adoption if someone knows someone . . . " She said that a woman in her church has a grandson who's girlfriend is pregnant. They were trying to know what to do - possibly abortion - & Brenda told them she knew of someone to place the baby with. She said the whole church was so excited that there was an option for them besides abortion. (Of course, even with us not in the picture, that is an option. So many families looking to adopt a baby.) However, it is very unlikely this will happen because this was some weeks ago. Brenda thinks they've probably already made their decision.

AND, i was sharing with a client/friend Cindy how much i want to be a mama, but that i am aware that maybe God has called me to give up that desire & accept a childless life. It hurts to think about that, but maybe that is what i'm called to. However, it hurts me more for Duane, for he so wants children & is so good with them, & they love him so much too. Still, i feel i need to be accepting that this may be where we are led. But Cindy said she can't see that God would put this desire in our hearts so deeply to have it thwarted.

But, there is so much about God that we don't understand.

I have been in the place of letting go. I wrote of this before, giving away most of the things i've collected over the years for a child. I feel very much i need to let most of those go. I'd rather see them on a living child than in a box, useless, as a memorial to what i wanted. Duane was worried that i would hurt seeing another child in the things i'd so wanted for our baby. That may be, but i think it is healthy.

I'd forgotten my mother was having surgery yesterday. My sis from FL called to say she is doing well. She is to go home today so i'll call later to check on her.


Wow, i've been loquacious this morning! Time to stop. We go home soon. Sugarbear, here we come! I hate leaving every week, but every week we have a joyous homecoming! (I'll be glad to see our cats, too.)

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