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09 September 2009

Lots & Lots

This happens sometimes. I've so much in my head that it is hard to follow one trail of thought.

I was reading Stuff Christians Like on Being Brave. He talks of how brave kids are really. I got kind of bogged down in the beginning, but when he got to the point i was very touched & thought how true it is that kids face new & unexpected things daily with a lot of courage.

I read Jo's post on Society as it is & about taking care of the weakest members & what that entails.

I read that dear Rosemary has someone being unkind to her.

My mind is reeling with all kinds of thoughts to these things & more. I can't seem to sort them out, & my thoughts are tangled in ways that i can't understand & certainly can't put in words that would make sense.

I'm also thinking about kids & not having kids & how that turns out. There are times i'm still saying, "God, you realize this is a mistake, right? I should have a 3 year old keeping me busy. When will that be fixed? When will she be coming?" In truth, my belief system is not such that . . . i can't even say this right! My belief system is not that God causes things. Things are allowed for whatever reason. And i believe my pain hurts God as well, but that God sees outside of time & so is not bound by my limitations.

I'm not sure anything i say will make much sense today.

I was driving to work this AM & the car next to me had a girl child about 8 to 10 years old in the back. She was looking out at the world. And, as often happens when i see children (often) in my life, i tell myself, "This is not your future. You will not have a child in the back seat looking out." It is my attempt to come to terms with this, but i'm struggling with it.

I wonder what the rest of our lives will be. And it occurred to me that this may be something of the feeling that folks have when their kids go to college, or marry, or simply move away. "What do i do now?" The sense of loss. Of course, most of them have visits with their kids & the possibility of grandkids to anticipate.

I've also been thinking of passion. And to whom much is given much is expected. (Jo said Kennedy said that, but it is a Bible quote.) And how am i going to spend/fill the time i have? I do have passions, but frankly, i'm afraid. Afraid of stepping out of what is normal & comfortable for me. Afraid of failure. Afraid of looking stupid. Afraid of not being smart enough to try to do the things i want. Afraid no one will listen or want to. I'm afraid of being lonely & desiring friendship & having none. I'm afraid of folks being unkind to me. I'm afraid of trying to have influence & i'm afraid that i will watch the world go by but not participate. I'm afraid to live, & i'm afraid i'm letting my life pass without living.

If you have read the book Flowers for Algernon, you might understand some of my fears. The book is about Charlie, who was mentally challenged & an experiment where he was given the ability to increase his brain functioning. And he became smart off the charts, but then it couldn't be sustained & he began losing that intelligence. I feel like i'm losing the ability to learn & process info. It frightens me. I want to write novels, but my mind doesn't seem to hold info long enough for me to stitch the story together. But maybe i'm using it as an excuse. But i do know the chronic fatigue has eroded some of the intelligence i previously had. Days like today where i feel like i'm trying to grasp info but i can't quite catch it scare me.

I've got to go. I've a client & then Duane & i head home (hallelujah!)

I've been lonely today, & i'm not sure why. I want to connect & feel like i've not done that. Hope you're having a lovely day. And i'm going to do everything in my power to make tomorrow wonderful! :)

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5 comments:

Amrita said...

On my blog I have a video of how a teacher is sharing love with her students.

We can just brighten the corner where we are.

Hope you are having a good day.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Kathryn,
I don't really know you nor understand fully what you are going through. Yet, when I read this post, I recognised some of the feelings of fear that you were expressing.

So, I thought I would share some thoughts with you but please feel free to ignore if I am totally off base. About the fear, I can relate to it in my own life when I went through a period where fear of failure in everything was so strong that I prefered to do nothing. In doing nothing there is the security that you cannot fail.

It took me some time and God's intervention to come to realise that to go through life like that is to waste life. Someone shared with me this parable,"Ships anchored in a harbour are safe from life's storms but if they only remain in the harbour, they will never understand were meant that they were meant to sail the broad oceans."

God has a purpose for us and it was never meant to be easy or safe but with His guidance, it will be an abundant life.

As for the kids issue, I do not know the circumstances or the background of which you write but I too have no kids and I am now 47. We are still trying for kids but we are also open to the thought of adopting. There are so many kids out there who need a loving home. Perhaps you could consider this as an option.

I apologise if I have spoken out of line but I thought it would be better to say something and hope it is of some help than never trying to help at all. God bless.

Stephanie LaRue said...

Hello from your stalked friend on the East Coast (Jana thinks I should be Natasha but Stephanie - heavy emphasis on this like StefAHN-eee has historical humor to me). You've had a lot of stress lately and I think your lonely feelings are a byproduct of just an overwhelming amount of cortisol and adrenaline all looking for a nice corner to sit in.

I have some big dreams too and the prospect of them seems daunting and frightening. Sometimes it seems easier not to take the step closer to making them a reality. So, perhaps we should strengthen one another through encouragement and acceptance to each take a step closer to actualizing our dreams.

You and I have some similar issues and I think we get a great deal out of our communiques! So, let's try to be there for one another - okay? Worth a try!

I will start by saying my prayers and especially sending a heartfel intention for you to have a day of peace and good karma to surround you. MWAH (love and peace to you)

Land of shimp said...

Kathryn, I've been reading through your posts, and winced slightly when I read your parents were coming for a visit. Like you I have an iffy sort of relationship with my family, and honestly only see them a couple of times a decade, if that.

I'm just saying, the feelings you are having are also a result of having been recently stirred up. I'm glad you made it through the visit, and that it went well enough. Yes, the pressure of things unsaid can be as much stress as those brought out into the open. More, I think.

I think fear of failure keeps people frozen for too long. Rather than begin the process of trying, they fret about completion, and failure. Judgment, and meaning.

If you want to write? Start writing. You needn't have a plan, or a story, or a finish line. Just write. Save it all. Stitch it together at a later date.

At first it may simply relieve your feelings, and clear your mind so that you will eventually find the plot. Or you may discover it is not as fulfilling as you thought, and move on to something else.

The only thing I've ever found to help when I find myself holding still from fear, is to risk moving and take what comes with that.

I'm prone to worrying at times, who isn't? But for all my occasional worrying, it has seldom been the thought process that solved the problem. My solutions have almost always been in committing to a course of action, even with the risk.

When I think of the very worst things that have happened in my life, most of them were entirely unpredictable. The same can be said for the best things, thankfully.

The trick in life is to keep moving forward. Introspection, self understanding, contemplation are all important parts of being, but I've personally found that they are best equally balanced with action.

The other thing is that when I listen to people older than I, there is a common theme in what is regretted. Rarely do I hear someone regret a specific action, "I never should have taken that job in Steamboat." but rather, they regret the "what ifs" of life. "I've always wondered what would have happened if I'd taken that job in Steamboat."

It seems, although I admit to no scientific study on the matter, that people regret their inaction, more than their action.

Also, I'm always telling people that happiness is not a package delivered by UPS. You can't sit and wait for it to arrive. It's not a thing, or a place, a job, or an accomplishment or even another person in our lives. It's a feeling. An internal thing.

If you want to write, you need to write. That's the entire secret of writing. Just writing. Putting down the words, and the story will, or won't come. Write, write, write, but at first, don't show it to anyone, seriously. Write for a month, just anything that comes to mind, it doesn't matter if it makes sense, you're not being graded.

Write it all down in a private file, and at the end of the month, look it over. That's where the stitching starts. Sure, some writers plot it all out beforehand, but most plot as a work in progress.

The stitching isn't the starting point. The words are.

Just my...oh...roughly thirty cents ;-)

You can do it, you really can...or to be honest...perhaps you can't. That it is the answer for some, but to truly ask the question and have it answered? You have to risk the action.

Land of shimp said...

I got up and walked away from my desktop, but a thought struck me. I forgot to mention why it works to write without the expectation of showing it to anyone.

It takes away the pressure of judgment, and performance. Writers tell stories that will be read by other people, but the best writers aren't writing for other people, they write, to write.

Eventually the stories become the property of others, but it part of the process is overcoming the fear of "How will this be judged by others?"

That's why the best way to get rolling is to write, and not show it to anyone, at first. Not Duane, or anyone else. Write your words, for you. To find your story, you have to find your words, and it's a very private, personal thing.