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15 October 2009

Superfluous

Do you know it is difficult to find a synonym for "this 'n that"?

If you came for the give away the post is here.



I headed to town yesterday. It had rained in the night & there were puddles on the deck (it is still damp in places today) but it was passing. I grabbed the camera in case i saw things i wanted to stop & take pics. And, i found that there were clouds coming down over the mountain that were delightful. Instead of going toward town, i took a 2 mile detour away from town to get a few of these pics.

I was glad i'd taken the camera.


I must say, however, the camera never quite captures what my eye sees. In the pics the sky is never quite as blue, the colors never quite as bright. It is that way with my art or with crafts i do, too. What i produce, while possibly quite nice, is never what i had in my mind.

Today the sky (what i can see from my window) is brilliant blue without a cloud to be seen. I may get more pics today, too. :)


I didn't take as many pics as i would have liked. I was scheduled to do a massage at 4 PM & so didn't have much time. And, i was driving the Trooper. The Trooper is the car we got so that we would:
  1. have a 4WD when we needed it (snow)
  2. the person staying at home (usually me) would have transport
  3. we'd have a vehicle to take on the mountain roads & trails

It doesn't get driven a lot. I started it Tuesday AM before Duane left to be sure the battery still had a charge. I don't mind driving it, but it drives like a boat & is BIG. I didn't want to be pulling it over & trying to find a place for it. I'll wait for a multi-stop picture hunt when i have the little Honda to drive.

Folks from back east have posted a few pics of the wonderful colors there. They take my breath away! We lived in East Tennessee until i was 8. I remember those colors in the fall so vividly. While i love Montana very much & am often homesick for it, i always felt the loss of the fall colors. Aspen & birch would turn there, & i've lovely memories of those colors too, but somehow it just couldn't compare to the Appalachian mountains all aflame.

Big Bear is more like Montana in climate. It is far too
dry here to have vividly colored trees. We do have them around town, planted as ornamentals & carefully watered. But they never reach the size or glory of the trees from the East & South & Midwest.

We do have one bit of color (i'm sorry, i don't really count yellow as "color" even tho it is very pretty) in our yard. My mother told me it is oak, & i had taken it for a weed because it is coming up voluntary in the junipers. I've no idea where it came from for i've seen no others in the neighborhood tho i've seen some in town. No one in their right mind would plant it where it is at. One of the squirrels must have gotten ahold of a nut & planted it for me, but i don't know where it would have come from originally.

Still, when i got home yesterday
the sun was shining & Sugarbear was glowing. I really didn't have time, but i pulled over & jumped out of the Trooper & took pics. Even the yellow can be glorious! (And again, these pics just don't show how pretty i thought it was.)



Sorry, i went a little crazy with the pics. :)

TMI - you don't have to keep reading.

Yesterday i was in a bit of the kind of mood feeling that God is cruel. You see, yesterday was day 1 of the new cycle. The last cycle had been 50 days. Yes, i'd done 2 pregnancy tests during that time & while i had a faint hope i didn't think i was pregnant. I've never been that late before without being pregnant. I suppose menopause/perimenopause is frustrating or irritating for a lot of people. When you haven't had a child & want one, however, it is . . . i don't have a word.

Then in reading blogs i learned that it was "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrance Day." I had had an awareness of this day in the past. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I think it is good that there is such a day to remember. But i find it very hard. AND, on Friday it will have been 4 years since we lost Kaylee. Again, please don't misunderstand me, but Duane & i have never had such joy since. We are very content, even joyful, in our lives & so very thankful for all that we have been given. But we have never had that sense of utter joy & hope since that time.

And, i can't write more about it without sounding very bitter. Also, in my bitterness i might say things that would be unkind to others who have been thru this loss, too. I know we are not unique in the world, but that doesn't always help to manage "this cup from which i drink."

While i could give my arguments i give myself to fight this feeling, it is easier to simply state i'm passing thru the place where God seems very cruel.

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7 comments:

lisa said...

I think the pictures were awesome! I felt like I was right there with you taking them! Great job! I am sorry about the other issue and don't give up hope and sometimes it is better to let things go and it will come naturally, because sometimes you can try too, hard.

Stacey said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog today. I understand that sometimes having a day for remembrance is hard. The fact is, I "remember" loss every day. It's definitely a hard thing to go through, and it does change people.
Thinking of you this weekend as you'll be remembering Kaylee.

(Great pics!)

Dawn said...

I will be keeping you in prayer for the next week.

Much love,
Dawn

ellen abbott said...

Beautiful pictures Kathyrn. so sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

Bob-kat said...

I love the pics. Such beautiful and dramatic landscape!

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I hope things feel better soon.

Rosemary said...

There aren't words to convey what I wish I could about your loss, and I agree with the comment here that we remember the loss every day. I understand that completely. You can and should say whatever you are feeling - if someone doesn't like it then they can go to another blog. It's a free country, for now, so you just blog on Kathryn.

I find your photos always so wonderful to look at - they are eye candy to me and I enjoy soaking in the scenery. You have a great eye for a good photo composition. HUGS from your retired superhero out east.

Cheri Pryor said...

Loving the cloud pictures. So beautiful...and ironic that God placed such beauty for you to see on a day when you are so clearly upset with Him. I think it is okay to be mad at God sometimes. He does realize we are human, after all. And it's not like you can "hide" your feelings from Him, ya know? It's a very tough thing that you and your husband went through...continue to go through...so don't sell your feelings and emotions short.

((hugs))