. . . even if you don't normally comment, i'd like some feedback on this.
I learned a couple of weeks ago that a friend's daughter was expecting a baby in May. Of course i was jealous, etc. But wished the family well & congrats, & all.
I knew this daughter a bit when she was a young girl (babysat for her some) but i don't know her as an adult. Duane & i attended her wedding a couple of years ago. I do know that she very much has her father's pragmatic, down-to-earth, practical way of looking at the world. Her mother is one of my dear friends.
A little earlier today i learned that she had lost the baby (it had evidently died about 10? weeks, but they didn't find that for another couple of weeks. They learned this about 10 days ago. And of course, that immediately resonates with me & i have some understanding of the pain.
And, i remember one particular note that i got after we lost our baby (i only got a handful of acknowledgments of our loss) & how i was so touched that this particular family would take the time to write us. And it was my desire to write her something.
So i emailed my friend & mentioned this, but i don't have Daughter's address. The response i received (i believe from Dad - my friend & her hubby have same email address, it was an unsigned response) was: Don't bother. They have put this behind them.
Okay, words are failing me right now. I'm going to try & stitch some together.
One thing i know from a number of blogs i read is that many (most?) women don't "put this behind them" in under 10 days. What i've heard so often is that a woman who has lost a pregnancy feels that they have to stop talking about it because other people lose patience with them so quickly. AND that it is difficult for them to have no one really acknowledge loss & that their hope (in that pregnancy) was crushed & that they can't talk about it. That no one allows them to express the loss of their child.
However, maybe there is a subset of women out there who have lost a pregnancy & don't have these issues. Maybe they are pragmatic & practical & down-to-earth & they mourn a few weeks & move on. I don't read their blogs because this isn't something this particular type of woman would talk about. They may of course feel the sadness but are able to recover quickly without the need to talk about it.
AND, i have a history (mostly long past) of not having good boundaries when i feel a strong emotional connection. Sometimes those poor boundaries included manipulation (to my shame).
I strongly feel the need (my need, but believing that it is appropriate to recognize this young woman's loss & verbalize it) to send a note. But i'm torn. Maybe she is someone who wouldn't appreciate this. I'm not talking a long, drawn out "i went thru this too" type of thing. Just a note recognizing that this is hard, & losing a baby is hard, & addressing that this loss is real.
But i'm also afraid that my own issues are in the way. I know that this is not about me, i don't want to try to make it about me. I just remember that one note that meant so much to me. I'm not saying that mine would even be that. But i do recognize the feeling that hardly anyone seemed to care that our baby was gone & that note meant so much because it said, "Your baby was real. This is a real loss." And i know lots of women who have had miscarriages feel that no one acknowledges the loss.
Yada, yada, yada.
I can go on & on. My desire is for feedback, please. Is my desire to send a note my ego in the way & should i walk away from this?
Oh, before you answer, i did respond to that unsigned "don't bother" with a brief note of "How can they be 'over it'?" And the response to that was: I think they would prefer not to be reminded based on discussions with them regarding their trip to Hawaii. They wanted to "put it behind them" before they left for Hawaii were their exact words. Also unsigned.
Part of the problem is i don't believe someone can "put it behind them" & let it go like that. But maybe that is my ego. So, now, do i walk away?