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05 April 2010

Laziness

Duane wasn't feeling well yesterday (head cold/sinus) & so we didn't go down the hill.  Round trip just to OC for the baptism would have been 4 hours, rt just to San Diego to my sister's would have been 6.  But Duane was more concerned about the pressure in his head if we went down to sea level from 7,000 ft.  It isn't comfortable, i can say that first hand.  We also were concerned about him possibly being contagious.  We were disappointed, but ok.  I made him chicken soup.

We had a skiff of snow last night & the wind is blowing fiercely.


We also felt yesterday's earthquake, centered some 200 miles south of us.  It lasted a long time, but it wasn't like any other i'd felt.  Most seem to jerk, bump, or roll.  This felt like i was on a railroad car that was smoothly being rocked up & back on its rails.  No damage for us.  I've not heard of what it was for them, but it was a stronger earthquake than the Hati one.  
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Last year a dear friend of mine took me to task for frequently calling myself lazy.  I think she was correct in that i needed to address my attitude about this.

I've known for some time that i've issues about this.  Being lazy was a serious offense in my family.  My memory was that this was more my dad's issue.  In my recent conversation with my mother i realized it was a driving force with both my parents.  Also, i became more aware of some of the implications of using this term.  If my mother felt she was “lazy” because she wasn't pushing herself while recovering from illness, there is the implication of laziness in other people, especially me.  I doubt if she is aware of this implication, she doesn't have that kind of awareness.

(My mother is of the self-depreciating type of person who will deny complements to the point of saying, “No i don't” when told “You look nice today.”  She doesn't realize the insult she is giving the person when she does this, she is simply trying to deny any good thing in herself.  Christian values, from her point of view.  Now that i've said that, she may not do it any more, but she was still doing it when i was a young adult & able to recognize the insult i didn't see when i was a child.)

When my friend brought “lazy” to my attention, i stopped using it in speech & writing (or at least i made a conscious effort to do so).  But my attitude about it – in myself - didn't change.

This dear friend, & another, struggle also with CFS/CFIDS.  I do not consider them lazy at all.  I think they work harder at fighting this pervasive chronic illness than anyone i know.  I think they both work much harder than the most Type A personality on earth.  But i've come to realize that by using the term about myself it could have the implication that i think folks with fatigue, especially chronic fatigue, lazy.  Which is far from the truth.

However, i believe that i am lazy, but almost a different definition than that used by my friend.

I do not consider myself lazy because i am tired all the time.  That is a physical reality over which i have no control.  I term myself lazy because i tend to take the easy way out, the point of least resistance.  I term myself lazy because i lack discipline.  This was true before i became so disabled.  

I love organization!  The feeling of accomplishment in creating a system where everything has a place & everything is in that place is heady.  But the discipline to continue that system is sadly lacking.  When i was doing office work, i loved creating organizational systems or even just creating forms, but i hated doing the work that kept the organization going.  I hated filling in the forms & then filing them.  I am an accomplished procrastinator who works (worked) well under pressure.

This is a fact about me that has nothing to do with chronic fatigue.  But these days with chronic fatigue, I can't work under pressure, it is too exhausting.  Dealing with chronic fatigue requires discipline, & the fact is that i'm sadly lacking in that department.  These days, allowing something to go until it requires fast-paced, under pressure response when i have no energy to respond in this manner means i simply feel overwhelmed all the time.

I need to learn discipline.

The fact is, i'm very fortunate.  I do have some energy to use.  I'm still able to drive.  I'm able to do some shopping.  I'm able to work, tho admittedly, very restricted hours.  I pay for it afterwards in needing more rest, but i'm still able.  I do appreciate it - no, i am deeply grateful i'm still able to do these things.

However, when i'm at home i'm often lazy.  I take the path of least resistance.

I do have energy to accomplish a number of things.  However, in order not to do too much, i have to do it in small increments.  That means 10 or 20 minutes up & an hour down.  I hate – i mean i really HATE – working this way.  It is antithetical to my “procrastinate until i have to push” mentality.  So i tend not to do much at all.  Or i get up & work for an hour or more – until i'm blown & have to spend the rest of the day in bed.  If i would limit myself to 15 or 20 minutes & then rest, i could accomplish so much more thru the day.  



This needs to be my focus now, to help this become a habit, part of my thinking, part of my new way of doing things.  I've had the tendency to do too much (& usually don't know it until i've hit that point, so i need to literally set a timer) & then when i find i've used all my day's energy allotment, feel sorry for myself.  It is hard to create new habits.  I've a long history of procrastination & then "blitzing" thru the work.  I was like the hare when i need to be more like the rabbit.  (I meant tortoise.)

My goal to work toward.  New thinking, new habits.  :)



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4 comments:

Cindy (Letters From Midlife) said...

I can relate to this. Some days it's because I'm genuinely tired but other days I just don't want to put forth the effort to do what should be done. Exercise, housecleaning, chores, etc. There are no excuses and for those times it really is laziness and lack of discipline. I'm ispired by your post to seek to do better when it really is laziness.

My oldest daughter lives in the LA area and she also felt the earthquake. She said it made her feel motion sickness for a moment.

justme said...

you are good to address this. i have never (granted, never met you in person) thought for a second that you were lazy. i can see, with your illness, how it could be construed that way but, i do think that you need to be realistic with yourself that it is an issue...you will deal with it the way that you need to. that does not make you lazy!

Dawn said...

Thanks be to God y'all OK from earthquake.
Understand what you are saying about lack of discipline-it is harder to deal with with the fatigue from CFIDS.

Rosemary said...

I'm delighted to know that you are going to be kind(er) to my blogging buddy Kathryn (lol). You have a great insight on your situation and you do consider all the issues so deeply, how I wish other people had such an ability!

God bless and keep you safe and strong, and getting a bit stronger all the time. HUGS