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09 April 2012

Happy Easter

The Lord is risen.  He is risen indeed.  Hallelujah!

We had a very quiet Easter.  

For many years Duane's aunt and uncle have hosted an Easter potluck.  We usually go.  We gave it a miss a couple of years ago because of some family drama that we wanted to avoid, but we usually are there.  We only see most of these folks twice, or maybe three times a year, and this is one of those times.  

We learned on Tuesday that they wouldn't be having it this year as they had other plans.  Our learning about it was inadvertent - had we not learned of it thru a third party we would have assumed the family had the potluck like normal but we weren't included.

Now i understand this:  "We want to do something different this year. We're going to take a trip."  I miss seeing the folks, but i totally understand.

What i don't understand is why no one bothered to tell us or Duane's parents.  By the time we learned about this on Tuesday, it was too late for us to make other arrangements like inviting folks to our house.  And for that, i'm very disappointed and a bit hurt, too.  

I guess the fact is that we need to make our own plans for a holiday, and if they coincide with the family, fine, but otherwise we won't depend on waiting on them to clue us in. 

There is more i have to say, but i think i'll stop there.  I've been struggling with anger on a lot of issues - no children, disability, limited abilities and energy, limited work, my inability to change any of these things and  i've not been well organized in what i can manage.  I think, right now, i hate myself a lot.  So i tend to be pretty angry and anything, everything seems to add fuel to the fire.  

I don't talk much, haven't blogged much, try to keep quiet because it seems that everything i think or say is so very negative.  

But, on the other hand, it is nice to just stay home.  Not going to a family potluck saved us from four or more hours (traffic could add another full hour) to a commute there and back.  

The truth is too, in my mind these family events are "fun" because that is how i want to remember them.  But if i'm honest, i don't really find them fun at all.  I struggle so much with conversation.  Sometimes, when i try to join the sisters-in-law or cousins in conversation, they stop talking when i come up.  I don't think they are "talking about me" so much as they are talking about private things and private history that i don't share with them, i'm not included.  My sister used to come some years, and that at least gave me someone to spend the time with.  The truth is, i find these things exhausting, and i'm better without them.  But i can't help but be hurt that no one thought it worth the bother to let us know.  

Jesus died and rose again to save me from myself and my sin.  So i guess that is all i need, right?



kare said...

Oh, Kathryn,
It may not seem so, but i identify with So much of your heart. Pain, both body and spirit, No children, family strains,limitations,So much loss.

This week i hated on myself too. i diverted myself by finding the music videos i posted on both blogs.Trying to remember good times, sweetness shared.

It's hard to know what to share with the world around us when we've had rejections from our own'nt it?
So much of our personal validation is wrapped up in our family dynamics.

Yet we Know who's approval actually matters.. Jesus!

Thanks for sharing yourself.. Facing life head-on & reminding us of the true Easter message.

Blessings to you and Hubby!

lisa said...

You are not alone in your thoughts! Happy Easter even if it is a day late!

Mali said...

Families are so complicated. You want to be included, and imagine it will be fun, but so often the reality is of tension, imagined or real slights, and inevitably hurt. I'm sorry you felt hurt about this - I can understand that, but there's probably some very simple explanation. (X thought Y was passing on the message, they thought you'd been told, etc).

Please don't feel you can't blog if you're feeling sad/angry/negative. I think that's precisely when blogging can help. When you can be reminded you're not alone, and that you will get through this. Sending best wishes.

Kathryn said...

Kare - thank you so much for writing, and your understanding.

Lisa! I've been to your blog several times, but haven't been very good about commenting. As always, you have wonderful pictures. :) Hope your Easter (2 weeks ago now) was lovely, too.

Mali - Yes, families can be a challenge. A couple of your recent posts, and those from Life Without Baby have sparked my attention, but i've not gotten around to writing about them yet. (And i can't seem to comment at Life Without Baby anymore.) I hope all things are well in your part of the world. Cooler weather coming to you as ours warms up. :)