My favorite folks ! :)

13 October 2013

Pity Party

The wedding is over.

I took the week before it off because otherwise we would have been in OC from Tuesday until Sunday afternoon and i couldn't be away that long.  We also both took off the week after the wedding, tho Duane wasn't sure until the last minute he could take the time.

It was our plan to do a lot of "fall housecleaning" and preparing the yard and garden for winter.

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry    -   Robert Burns

Tuesday morning i got up to shower and life went awry.

For many years (at least 20) i've been having what i called "panic attacks" for lack of a better term, but i knew they did not fit the clinical definition, largely because they do not last for the time period specified.  I called them that because i feel a bit breathless and disoriented for a minute or two.  In very recent times i've come to recognize that they are neurological in nature, in fact, probably (i'll abbreviate "m-/-s").  They, with the migraines i have, are probably the result of a pretty severe head injury i had when i was 11.  However, they seemed to be benign and self-limiting.  They rarely occur and most often in the shower and last less than 2 minutes all told.  I'd discussed them with a couple of different docs and we didn't consider them anything over which to be concerned.  That changed Tuesday morning, the 1st of October.

I remember having a mild one and thinking, "That wasn't so bad."  The next thing i knew i was on the couch with a very scared Duane sitting by me.  Since i have no memory of it, we can't be sure just what happened.  He heard me fall and came down to check on me.  Almost certainly i had a full-blown s.ei.z.ure.  I hit my head in 3 places, and bit thru my tongue in 4.  I also severely wrenched my low back when i fell.

I called a chiropractor right away, but no one that i trust was available in BB that day.  I had a friend come and give me a massage.  It probably helped, but the pain was so severe that moving at all was a challenge.  We did end up going to ER that afternoon as i was very nauseous - a head injury red flag.  They did a CT scan no contrast.  It came back clear, which basically only means i don't have a massive tumor in my head.   The doc i work with reviewed the d/c preliminary reports and didn't feel i needed to be seen immediately.

I was VERY careful what i told the ER folks.  In 2000/2001 DMV got involved in my life and made it Hell for 18 months, even tho the health practitioners i had then told them i was no danger/threat, etc.

Instead, i am voluntarily not driving until i see the doc in early November.   I'm trying to be as responsible as i can be without getting higher authorities involved.  I don't want to do anything that will endanger anyone, however, i don't want to be told "officially" that i can't drive.   Hopefully the doc can clear me at that point.  I've not had any more m-/-s or worse.  I've never had one while driving.  They generally do occur in the shower, tho i've had them happen elsewhere.  Duane has been with me once or twice when they happen.  I have to stop talking for a minute or so as i'm slightly disoriented, but nothing more.  If i didn't tell him it had happened, he would not know.   They are weird, a kind of a Déjà vu feeling, where a lot of pics flash thru my mind very quickly, too quickly to hold on to the images.

I could write PAGES about all of this.

I have seen a local chiropractor 3 times now.  I don't care much for manual adjustments; they have hurt, but i needed to do what i could.  By far the back injury has been the most limiting.  Although my tongue is not fully healed, i can eat again.  I had only liquids for about the first 5 days.

First off, the severity of the back pain is entirely my fault.  I counsel folks i work with all the time that low back pain indicates that the core/abdominal muscles are weak and need to be worked on/strengthened.  However, i did not act on that myself.  Low back pain has not been an issue for me until the past year, but in the past year there have been warning signs i should have heeded.

Second, however . . . well, i'm having a hard time voicing it.  Sometimes i think i am too soft on myself, don't push hard enough, "baby" myself when i should just soldier on.  I think this incident indicates that probably this is not so.  I think that if i push too hard there is a good chance i could lose all that i have.  I think this shows that i should trust myself a bit more when i say i shouldn't push it.  (I have not been pushing, but i've been berating myself for not doing so, for being "lazy" or other unkind things.)

I often have the feeling that my ILs think me very weird, with the food i choose to eat and other things i do.  In fact, i would guess that they are saying, "Look at what Kathryn does and how sick she still is.  What a waste of time, effort, and money!"  However, from my point of view, i can just imagine how bad off i would be if i wasn't so careful.

After Duane told his folks about what had happened, his mother called me wanting a blow-by-blow account.  I told her she would have to ask Duane as i have no memory of it.  She seemed surprised (and she did NOT ask him - she thought he was too worried already anyway).  I've spoken of the "stress of the wedding" as a diversion for why this happened when people ask.  However, it kind of backfired on me with her.  She is a bit critical of my feeling stressed ("she" didn't stress over it, she said; while i think i stressed more than she, i think she is deceiving herself on this one).  I quite honestly do not want ANY criticism over the incident.  Back problem = my fault.  Everything else is probably my fault, too, but from choices i made YEARS ago and have no control over now.

A couple of Duane's uncles gave me a bad time during the wedding week.  They said, "Everybody has to die sometime!  You might as well be comfortable until then."  I got rather angry over it.  They just don't realize what they are saying.  I know this won't keep me from dying!  I don't really care when i die, honestly, but i want to be in as good health as possible until then.  I don't want to be wheel-chair bound or housebound.  I don't want to live in a nursing home.  I don't want to lose my cognition with Alzheimer's or something similar.  Part of my gift of life (from God) is my body and my mind and part of my stewardship of it is to take care of both to the best of my ability.

Another issue that has come up has been help.  To whom do i turn?  Duane was gone this week, and with snow coming i had a ton of apples to get in.  I did walk to a neighbor's and ask if they wanted apples, but they did not and i didn't say, "I need help with this."  I'm not sure if it is a matter of pride or shyness or what.  I did talk to someone from church, and she stopped by.  She would have taken me to town if i'd needed it.  I want to be independent and self-sufficient.  !  Well, who doesn't?  I'm not sure what my options are when i don't have that ability.

Not driving is a very dismal thing.  At least before i had the opportunity to get away from the house for a while.  When i did the not-driving thing before i found it very frustrating.  What would take 10 minutes in the car took an hour or more by bus, and far more energy.  I do not have that energy to spare now.  What are my options?  A taxi?  I think there is one - ONE - in BB, and it is quite expensive.  Even the bus service here is expensive compared to similar trips in OC.  I don't have the option to go into to town or to see the chiropractor when Duane is away.

I've often felt that my life limits me a great deal.  I don't have the option to make a trip to OC for a weekend family get together without a lot of planning.  It takes so much from me.  Now, with this limitation i feel that life keeps getting smaller and closing in on me.

Several times on FB i see "Don't give up on your dreams" or something to that effect.  What am i suppose to do with that?  What dreams can i hold on to when so much is taken?  I know this sounds self-pitying, and i'm fighting it.  I'm already almost as limited as my grandmother was when she was about 88.  How am i suppose to live another 30 or 40 years like this?

I AM thankful for the things i still can do.  I am able to walk in our yard and do a little gardening.  I can enjoy our cats and watching the birds.  I still am able to knit and to visit with folks.  Duane and i had a very enjoyable trip into town on Friday and i don't look disabled.  I have the ability to make choices that will effect my future - please God, let me make good choices!



Butterfly said...

Wow that is a lot for one person to deal with. I knew of some of your health issues but wow. Just know that you know your body best as to what it needs and talk to your unconcious mind and ask it what it needs to heal and apply your bodies blue print of health. I have found this to work well for me. I also have some other suggestions that might help. Call or email me anytime. I care about youmy dear friend.

Kathryn said...

You are so sweet. Thank you.

I'm starting to piece it together now and i think dehydration is the connection i've been missing. I'm pretty sure i have Diabetes insipidus, which mainstream medical says is "rare" but from my contact with other folks with Chronic Fatigue, fluoride and fluoroquinolone poisoning, it is far more common in this population than medical recognizes. It cause me to have problems retaining water and i get dehydrated easily. I think the dehydration (and pushing myself so hard during the wedding time) combined to create the problem. Hopefully i can use this info to fix the problem, too.