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06 April 2009

Emotional, forgive the tears

I don't cry often. I don't like crying. So, usually, i don't.

Had a long talk with Sis #2 (meaning second child, there are three of us total) yesterday. I believe it had been since last summer that i last spoke with her. She doesn't call me, & when i've tried to call her, her kids tell me she is "unavailable," so i kind of gave up. She wasn't aware that we hadn't talked for more than 9 months. Sis #2 has 6 children (the oldest is getting married this summer). We don't talk often, & i know she is very busy, but i often feel that having a relationship with me has no priority in her life.

Sis #3 lives about 3 hours away from me, & over the past 10 years we have carved out something of a relationship. In fact, it is pretty solid. But it has taken a long time because neither of my sisters trusted me.

It was like this: I've known from a young age that our family was not healthy.
I didn't know the psychological details or how it was not healthy, but i knew something was very wrong. Within 2 weeks of my 18th birthday i moved away, & had minimal contact with the family from there on. I didn't cut all contact, but i limited it as much as i felt was possible. Both my sissies, however, believed we had a wonderful family & there was nothing better than the family in which we were raised. That denial lasted a long time. So, i was a "horrible person."

My sissies both eventually recognized the sickness for what it was, but somehow, i felt they
still felt i was a horrible person. Sometimes Sis #2 talks about the things she is going thru as if they are unique to her. I don't quite know how to explain my feelings when she does this, i'm not sure i know. Except i feel like none of the things i have worked thru - & on my own because my sisters denied the problem - are ever recognized.

This is a pic of the three of us a couple of years ago when Sis #3 got her Master's degree. This sounds self-pitying, but it feels to me an example of our relationship. The two of them, & me off somewhere to the side. (If i had a photo of my actual feelings, i'd be in the next room or down the block. LOL)

Anyway, in the course of our very long conversation yesterday Sis #2 asked if it hurt me that i'm on the outside & that i am not included in sister things, & that they judged me to be an awful person. (Those weren't her exact words, but the meaning of her question.) What could i say to that? I cried, for yes, it hurt. I still feel crushed by it. It has been an anguish to me for many years. And it has been hard for me that neither ever said, "You were right. The family was not healthy." But Sis #2 said something close to that yesterday. She apologized to me & said it must not feel good.

As i said, it was a long conversation. One of the things that came very clear to me thru it is than none of the three of us ever considered ourselves worthy of love. The result of that was that i married the first guy who came along & showed any interest in me (my first marriage). Sis #2 married similarly to escape from home - she still felt it was the "perfect home" but wanted to be as far away as possible & marriage to someone living far away was the only choice. Sis #3 immediately distrusted anyone who got near her or showed any interest, & so never married. This doesn't begin to dredge the depths of these feelings of being unlovable, but it touches on it. What i thought during the conversation was that this, far more than anything else, speaks to how unhealthy our family really was. When all three of us, at the deepest part of our souls, believe that no one could truly love us, what kind of family raised these girls?

I've tried to be careful in this post because this is not my story only. I have no trouble sharing my own story, but this includes sisters who may not appreciate the public post. If it disappears soon, it will be because i decide that it is too much their story & they wouldn't appreciate me posting it. Somehow i have to share it, tho, because i'm finding myself surprised at how much it still hurts. And i don't know that anything will ever improve it. I thought i had forgiven it, but it looks like i've still some work to do.

If you are a praying person, i'd appreciate you including Sis #2 in your prayers. I can't share details, but she & her family are facing some extreme choices & need to be lifted up to the Lord.



Kaleena said...

Thank you for following my blog and praying for us. I appreciate the suggestion. I will Google EFT as soon as I leave your blog! We have indeed had alot to carry this year, but we have not carried it alone! Blessings to you,
Kaleena at McNabb Land

Stacey said...

I'm glad you got some of this off your chest, even if later you feel the need to delete it. At least you put it out there. I'm really sorry you feel like the odd one out.
I'll pray for your sis!

d e v a n said...

I'm sorry for the rocky relationships with your sisters! That's tough!

David said...

good post

Jana said...

Families are tough. I am sending hugs and prayers to you and your sisters. Know that you are not alone. God is there for you.