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05 April 2009

Quick post, a lot on my mind

I've been in the mood to knit. Baby blankets.

Now. there is no reason for this (such as an impending baby for us) & really no excuse. I've a project of looks-like-quilted duvet cover that i should finish. But i WANT to make a baby blanket! So i bought some yarn & i'm going to do it.

I've not worked on a baby blanket since i was pregnant before, & said i would not until i was pregnant again. (In fact, told MIL she'd know i was PG if she saw me knitting baby blanket.) But i've changed my mind. It is not that i think we will actually use this. The blanket i was making for Kaylee now has been given to Meredith. I figure i'll make it & if i'm not PG by the time i've finished, i'll give it away. Plenty of folks to give it to. However, i do have to wonder how many of them i'll make & give away before i accept that it isn't going to happen for us.

On a side note, i've seen people who are either trying to conceive or wanting to adopt have a complete nursery ready for quite some time. No pregnancy, no adoption. Part of me thinks, "Are you crazy?" Largely because for me it would be a constant reminder of failure. Even my very small box of "hope chest" of baby clothes has largely been depleted now as i find that it is not good to hold on to things. If we get pregnant, or adopt, either one by God's own miracle, then will be the time to shop with joy. Of course, many of these people with nurseries ready are younger & almost certainly will have a family. We have no certainty at all. Still, i wonder if their journey takes them 2 years, or 3 or 5, are they going to be sorry? Maybe it is a tribute to their faith & hope. For me, i think i'm being called to wait. And wait. And wait some more.

There were 2 different folks who asked today about possible baby. One couple are folks we like a lot & befriended last summer, resort folk who don't come up much in the winter. And another sweet, grandmotherly lady whom i love. Both have been praying for us & are sad it is not happening. But we can't make things happen.

Pastor said today in the homily that God doesn't say "No." Said he says, "Wait," or "I have a better idea." (Think i have indicated that i consider most of his homilies as his opinion.) But i do think he is probably right here. We have been waiting. Hard for me to understand what is a "better idea" than having a family, but we are waiting to see what he brings.

Other things percolating up in my noggin, but i'm off to start a baby blanket. I'll post a pic of it sometime.



Rosemary said...

I would love to see the baby blanket. There isn't any right or wrong way to feel about this situation - other than NOT to blame yourself. Hard to do, I know from firsthand experience so take it from an elder.(smirking the wise old elder type smile) Be kind to yourself and listen to your instincts - you strike me as a very deeply thoughtful and kind soul and whatever you're moving towards will be a good thing for you. Sending you happy vibes from the East Coast.

David said...

keep in mind that it is JUST AMAZING that God hears us and loves us.
getting answers is not nearly as good as getting His love, now and forever.

Stacey said...

For me it would definitely be too hard to have a nursery ready. It would be awful to keep seeing that empty space after each loss.
I think your baby blanket is a nice idea. It is something to keep you occupied, and if it isn't too painful you can give it away and start a new one (I hope you won't have to do this, though).
I like scrapbooking to keep my hands and mind busy. Sometimes I even "scrap" the hard and painful things too, because I think it will be important to remember.