It's Gonna Blow!

At least, whatever it is on the telly right now.

Some GFs (girl friends, not gluten-frees!) were talking about how irritating they find the TV. Yep, i'm there. I didn't have one for 13 years. When i started dating Duane he couldn't believe it, & brought one over. The only redeeming thing i find these days is TiVo/Replay TV. We can record what we want, easily skip commercials, & watch it whenever we like. I do like SciFi. Always have. I remember watching StarTrek reruns as a child.
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Since i'm convinced we won't have kids, i'm going to burn bridges & talk about baby names. (I love names & naming. One of my favorite parts of writing a story is choosing the names of my characters. And, sad to say, i rarely get farther than that.)

For boys i really like the name Aidan. However, i'd never use it because it is far too popular these days. It might crop up in a story, tho. I also am partial to the name Joseph, but mostly because our dear friend Joseph introduced us & told me when Duane & i married that it is a "good name" for a little one. And as he would probably be Godfather, well. And Joey is a cute nickname. I also like the name Joel a lot. I wonder, a little, if it would be wise to use Joseph. A cousin had a son Josef who committed suicide at age 13 two years ago. She & i weren't close, but i wonder if it would be too much for her. Again, it is likely a moot point.

For girl names i love the name Jocelyn. I think that so pretty. I also so much like the name Mary. (However if we should have a girl & a boy we wouldn't do "Mary & Joseph"!) Sis #3, who would be a Godmother, has Mary as a first name, tho she goes by her middle name. She was named for our two Grandma's, but no one in our family goes by Mary. Duane's Grandma was also a Mary.

I had a whole list of names Duane & i liked. I know where the list is (in a notebook) but not where the notebook is. I don't remember the other names we liked. Doesn't matter too much now.

Jocelyn & Joseph would be ok. Yeah, yeah, dream on.
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I think i mentioned i've been reading blogs since mid to late January of this year. Lots of different ones. Blogs on organization, healthy eating, healthy lifestyle, green living, gluten-free eating, infertility, IVF, life after infertility (both with children & without), young families, money management, crafting, recipes, general - i'm sure there are others. Think i need to find a few on living vegetarian. Better yet, gluten-free vegetarian, tho i think we are a small subset.

One of the things i was surprised to realize is that we've been trying to have a family for 3-1/2 years. It was Oct '05 when i lost Kaylee. I've known that, of course, but somehow i haven't known that. I read sometimes of someone having had 18 months or 2 years of infertility. And it is a shock to me to realize we've been doing this for twice that long. Or that there are families out there who have had two or three babies in the time we've been waiting. We got pregnant 11 months after we married, so i was sure it would happen again.

Have i mentioned i'm a procrastinator & time challenged? I rarely am aware of the real passage of time. Shoot it was just yesterday i graduated college. Er, um, that was 1993. But that's just yesterday, isn't it?

So, i guess it is no wonder that i'm reaching the belief that a child will not be coming to us. Now that i'm actually waking up to the time that has gone by.
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Duane surprised me earlier by commenting on the plaque at the top of the next post ("I love you more today . . . " which, by the way, he himself took that pic). I was surprised 'cause i didn't know he reads these posts. (Better be careful what i write! LOL)

I have read in some other blogs about male infertility vs. female infertility & how that can create stress in a marriage when there is the awareness of one partner that it is the other partner's infertility creating the problem. And, to be honest, i hadn't really thought about it too much, except to think Duane got shorted & he would have/could have done so much better.

So a week or so ago i asked him if it is hard that our not having a baby is my fault.

He responded, "Your fault? It's not your fault. It is not like you're on the BC pill or doing something to prevent it."


He went on to tell me that

• he didn't marry me to have children only.
• having children would only be a bonus

He informed me that marrying me was worth it entirely, & if i had died after only a year of marriage, it was worth it & he would do it (marry me) again. (Although if i died i do hope he would marry again.)

My husband really loves me. I don't deserve it, but it is so wonderful. We'll be having our 5th anniversary in September. I've known people who are bitter or harsh by this time (as in my 1st marriage) but each day with Duane is a joy. It just keeps getting better.
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I saw John today. John is the therapist i have been seeing many years. He is very experienced (& nearly the age of my parents). He is head of the department of psychology at a local well-known university. He got me thru some really, really hard times about 10 years ago. I don't see him all that often, but do continue to see him in order to try & stay balanced & not be "sick" again.

I told him of my conversation with Sis #2. He was astounded, as was i, that all three of us had the same reaction, feeling that we were unlovable. He said that this is not a typical pattern. He said that usually there would be three different responses to the way we were raised. "It takes a strong family to create the same reaction in all three of you," he said.

He also told me that i am "the strong one" for choosing to leave & limit contact. "Of course we all knew that," he said.

Huh? News to me! But if that is true, i know we often don't see in ourselves what others see in us.

My favorite book is Mister God, This is Anna by Fyn. I believe it is in print again. I do always qualify my recommendation by saying Anna didn't have a good concept of who Jesus was. However she had a beautiful & unique way of looking at our relationship to God.

One of the things she says is that if we're really plugged into God & living thru him we aren't really aware of it & there is nothing to measure. It is living in a non-conscious way, which in many ways is the opposite of religion. Religion always wants something to measure.

Ok, enough for tonight.

It is still warm & my toes & fingers are swollen with the heat. (Long term, occasional reaction to frostbite as a child.)


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