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16 June 2009

Homesick

Yes, i've often been homesick on this trip.

The funny thing is, it is not Sugarbear i'm homesick for. Well, it is, of course. I like my home. I miss my kitties. But that is not what i'm talking about.

I think i've mentioned before that i consider "homesickness" - or at least the type i experience - as "longing for heaven."


I don't remember ever "wanting" my mama. I did not like returning home. It was not a safe place for me. Have spent my adult years creating that home, that safe place. And i like my home. I'm not agoraphobic, but i could easily become someone who never leaves home. Still, part of me can feel homesick, even when i am home.

Sometimes it is for the first cutting of hay in Montana (usually around 4th of July). Or the first feeling of crispness of fall in the air. Or the first snowfall on the Montana mountains.

Maybe because i lived in the South as a young child & have vague memories of it that are pleasant, but i often had the homesick feeling this trip. Part of it, i think, is that i'm homesick for past days: playing with cousins, running free, my grandma's garden & her fruit trees & wonderful green grapes & picking blackberries; watching my grandpa with his bees & pet coons, skunks, & crows & his gentle manner all around; listening to my cousins speak (they had the most beautiful accents that i felt i lacked after we moved to Montana) & watching my younger cousins do silly things.

The house of my B. grandparents is gone now. I see no trace of the house, their gardens, grapes or fruit trees.

There are more subtle things i miss. I remember playing in the grounds behind the house that we lived in when i was six. I say "grounds" because i don't remember it well. I think there were some scattered trees & lots of rocks. I know there were woods too, but farther back. When we found a lost dog & owners came to claim him it turned out they were true hill people ("hillbillies" is the term often used in an unkind fashion). But they saw how much i loved the dog & in simple graciousness they let me keep him. And when he was run over by a car (we lived on a busy highway) within six months i was old enough to think, "If i had let them take him, this would not have happened. Had i let them take him, he would still be alive."

I remember the fall colors in the hollow (meaning a little valley) we lived in after that house. The year i was seven. It was a furnished rented house & had many nooks & crannies & interesting things to discover. But it was the beauty of the fall colors there that i remember most. I also remember trips to & from the grandparents then. They lived in central KY & TN, & we lived in East TN. I remember visiting the Great Smoky National Park & thinking it very beautiful.

Somehow, a beautiful view, especially of trees or hills or land, that reminds me of the days
when i was younger gives me a homesick feeling. It is a mysterious feeling somehow, ethereal & very difficult to describe. I understand how stories of elves & wood gnomes & fairies & mysterious folk came to be. I feel that way with beautiful woods around.

And, i believe this is a longing for heaven. A deep desire to fill a hole within that cannot be filled this side of death. Part of it is a longing for a simpler time, childhood, when i felt somewhat sheltered & things were not so hard to understand.

Jesus told us "I go to prepare a place for you, that where I am, you may be also." I know some folks have taken that verse (& the one about "in my house are many mansions") very literally. That Jesus is the master builder/carpenter & is creating a home for each & every one of us. I don't know that i see it that way. If it is that way, it makes me very curious for what my home will look like. Because i am so very eclectic in my likes. I like craftsman built houses, & Tudors, & old time farmhouses, & A-frames, & Swiss chalets, & stone houses, & barn-like gambrels, & well done Spanish-stuccoes, & log cabins, & houses with dormers & gables. If God puts all those things into a home for me, it will look odd indeed. And yet, i know if God does it, it will be perfect & it will go together.

But that is not my expectation of heaven. I
expect, when i reach the presence of God, i will be HOME. For the first time in my life truly HOME, & where i belong. I think, for the very first time i will not be longing for something else, something more. For the first time i will be complete.

And so, until i "meet my maker," until i have the joy & honor to be in his presence, i expect i will always be a little homesick.









P.S. I'm adding this to "Wednesday Walk" because of all my old memories. Hop on over to Lynnette's blog to check it out!

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11 comments:

Meadowlark said...

I really enjoyed reading this.

I used to be terribly homesick. I used to actually almost wail "I wanna go hooooome" and I never meant where I grew up, I meant somewhere safe where my heart wasn't breaking. While I'm not feeling that way anymore, I needed to be reminded: at the foot of my Lord... that indeed will be home. Thanks. :)

David said...

profound, and deeply touching

Verna said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and the nice comment.

I know what you mean about being homesick. Sometimes for earthly things and other times for heavenly things.

The carefree days of childhood with no cares and safe in Jesus arms are sometimes where we long to be, not haveing to deal with everyday problems and unsafe conditions. When my husband was drinking (fell off the wagon) in our early marriage days I was very homesick for the safe days.
I praise God daily that he is a recovering alcoholic and not a practicing one.

Loved your post.
Have a great day.
Verna

Lisa said...

Oh my goodness, I can SO relate with much of your recent blogs! It was like reading my childhood all over again! I'm so sorry for your loss as well as the health issues you continue to deal with. I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

Linda said...

Kathryn, Thanks for sharing your heart and your feelings with us today.

I loved the pictures of the smokey mountains anf the forest,...but the last picture was awesome too. Did you take those?

We went to the smokey mountains for the first time last year. It was beautiful,...and it made me think of our wonderful Creator.

I agree that it is hard to imagine what our heavenly home will be like....but we know it will be so amazing!

We do need to be homesick for heaven,...cuz like the old song says,...

"This world is not my home,...I'm just a passin' through...My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue! The angels beckon me from heaven's open door,...and I can't feel at home, in this world anymore!"

((Smile))

Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Lynnette Kraft said...

Amen Sister! I'm homesick for heaven too. It kind of feels good though - in a weird sort of way. It's almost like our spirit longs for a place we've never been and those homesick moments on earth are a reminder of that homesick for heaven feeling.

Beautiful thoughts.

Denise said...

Such heart warming memories.

Patricia said...

I enjoyed reading your memories. I can agree with the homesick part especially - now that my husband has gone before I long for it even more.

Sally-Ann said...

I loved reading your post. I get terribly homesick for the times of my memories and I understand the homesickness of wanting to return to our Father in Heaven

lambechops said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment! I have a confession to make - my blonde is out of a bottle! I do it myself, although I used to spend 5 hours at the hairdresser getting it highlighted when it was long. I can't believe I did that now!

WannabeMommy said...

What a beautiful post, Kathryn! Sometimes I feel "homesick" too in a very vague way, and I think you're right... we are all homesick for that perfect place where God lives, because that's where we came from. Makes sense to me.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Your comment was very touching, and I'm so sorry for what you went through. I guess technically there is some time for me, but most days i feel much older than I am.