My favorite folks ! :)

17 February 2013


A few weeks ago, Mali wrote a post entitled Grey Lives of Continual Sadness

I relate to that title very well, although her point is that people who do not have children, but wanted them, can move beyond that and live fulfilling lives.

I think the problem for me is that i do see much of my life as grey and continually sad.  

BUT i have to remember that this is a choice.  I just haven't found a way to move beyond where i am now.  

I have spent hours and hours and hours online looking at and reading the stories of children who are available for adoption.  On occasion i even think, "We could do that."  And then i get out of bed.  When we are home, i barely have the energy to sit up and hardly enough to cook.  I do have a fair amount of energy when we are in OC every week, but then it is spent and i have nothing left.  How on earth would we manage with children?  Of course, even that is a choice.  We have patterned our lives in a way that would be difficult to have children.  If we wanted to make severe changes to our lives (Duane taking a higher paying job so that we could hire household help; me giving up my work and staying home; Duane would probably have to be gone most of the week), then we could do it.  

Still, i have an issue with people who tell me if we don't have children then it is the result of our own choices.  Of course it is, but that makes it sound so clean and simple when the reality of that choice is messy and painful and twisted.  

There really is only one verse in all the Bible that clearly says, "Children are a gift from God."  Psalm 127, vs 3-5.  The Bible says that the man who has a quiverful is blessed.  I frequently tell people at Facebook that they are blessed with their family.  Sometimes i say this to keep from saying something more bitter.  They do not deserve to be on the receiving end of my bitterness.  But every time i say this, the thought occurs, "You are blessed.  We are not.  God blessed you, we are not so blessed."  Of course, this doesn't fit my theological beliefs, but it comes up anyway.   

I have always loved the movie, It's a Wonderful Life.   I watched it after Christmas.  This year was a difference, however.  I couldn't help but wonder what the difference is in the world because we didn't have our children.  They were never born.  It is a pointless thought, of course, but i couldn't help but wonder all the same.  

Life itself is pretty skewed and rather dark.  Children are born to people who do not want them, who abuse them, who twist them to grow up and be blunted shadows of what they should be or people who have no sense of right and wrong.  We often rail against the unfairness of life, and it is abundant.  

As an aside, i don't post about my wonderful, delightful husband at FB.  At least, not one of those "If you love your husband, etc., etc., then repost this."  I also do not post such things about Jesus or my sisters or my cousins or anyone else.  It isn't that i don't appreciate them.  It is that i know how much i ache when i see someone post such things about their son/daugher/children/family, and i don't want to cause such pain to someone else.  I know several people who know how blessed i am and would deeply desire to have someone like Duane in their lives.  I don't want to rub it in their faces!  Well, i don't repost the Jesus ones because they are so manipulative.

Besides, i strongly feel that if you feel that way about someone in your life, you should be telling them directly, not brag about it on FB.  

We ARE blessed.  I was listening to a podcast the other day by Bitter Infertiles.  They were talking about how some women throw away what they do have in pursuit of a child.  I do not want to lose or damage the blessings i have now in the futile desire for more.

I still do not want to live a life without children, but i have to accept that i will not be "mama."  I have been searching for someone who might need some support - a single mama who wants some time to herself now and then, and we can borrow her child/children.  It isn't as easy to find as you would think.    

Today and yesterday, my negative posts for the month.  I'm ready to move on to something cheerful.


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