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16 February 2013

Post number 500

It seems strange that i have done 500 now.  I think i had a glitch in my brain a few days back and was in denial about this.  I was numbering these posts in the 200s instead of the 400s.  

I know i had read blog posts here and there over the years, but i really didn't understand the concept.  So i first read a blog, i mean really read it and connected, in January 2009 when a friend shared her daughter's blog. It was focused on their results with the South Beach Diet.  I was taken in and devoured it in reading, although part of me felt like i was "spying" on their lives.  I tried to find that blog yesterday, and it has been removed.  

Then, at about the same time and in searching for an old professor, i came across Kathi's blog Just Visiting Here. Again i was fascinated, reading older posts.  And again i felt like i was "spying" but eventually came to see that if someone chooses to publicly post info and writing on line, then it isn't exactly spying.  

So i began a blog.  I was quite prolific in the early days and i worked hard to develop readership, too.  I read a lot of blogs, and tried to comment more often.  That doesn't come very naturally to me unless i really connect with the post.  I lived by the stats and was excited to see new people come. I never ran into the problems i know others have had, having a troll come and be cruel in comments.  Still, i was at times hurt by comments.  There was one, early on, that pierced me even tho i know the writer had good intent. 

When i first began writing, i had great hope we would still have children.  I had lost our last pregnancy just six months before.  That hope is gone, of course, and i struggle to find a way to live a life without them.  In reading over a little of what i wrote back then, i don't see much change in me these past 4 years.  I'm still "struggling to accept" and still wondering what worth my life might have.   In fact, in many ways my thoughts and internal life have not changed one whit in many, many years.

And my functioning has consistently decreased in the past four years.  I used to be able do all the driving to and from Orange County.  Now i often do none at all.  I have driven that trip (alone) twice in the past two years.  It doesn't show.  I don't want pity.  I just wish people understood a bit better.  When i go out, i have the energy to "look normal."  But i pay for that and people don't see how i'm having to push myself at times and the results of that are a couple of days in bed.   Even a friend of mine with fibromyalgia doesn't get it.  She has a lot of pain, but she has the energy to be out with other people most of the time.  Usually i don't have the pain, but my body won't function to be up and doing things.  Most of my life at home is in bed or the recliner.   

Because i kept saying the same things over and over, i rather stopped posting much these last 2 years.  Who would want to read my negativity, anyway?

Duane and i do work hard at living a life of gratitude.  I started a "gratitude jar" last summer.  I wrote something for which i was thankful each day.  On January 1st i read them to Duane.  But a gratitude jar is really meant for a family, so that each person can add to it as they wish.  And i came across some slips recently that i'd done in OC and they never made it to the jar.  So i decided a journal made more sense.  I have a book in which i write those things, often mundane, that make up our lives.  

I've a lot more thoughts on that, but guess i'll save it for another day.  

I wish i had a more exciting post for number 500.   


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