Do you remember?

I’ve been thinking quite a lot of past memories recently.  The remembrances are so very profound but difficult to put the feelings that go with those memories into words that reflect the reality i feel. 

I came across the picture of an old saltcellar the other day.  I didn’t even know it was a saltcellar until i read more about it.  I thought it was just some kind of trinket box, because my granny had one in which she kept sewing notions.  I remember it looking very much like this.

I also didn’t know what a “saltcellar” meant.  I guess (from reading on it), salt used to be kept in a dish and spooned out, like we do with sugar.  In fact, from reading about it, i realized that all those small spoons people collect might have originated as salt spoons to go with the saltcellars. 

With the advent of “anti-caking salt” (the 50s are mentioned), people began using saltshakers instead of saltcellars. Of course, people collect all the weird saltshakers from that time, too.  So saltcellars became a thing of the past and people have used them for different purposes.  I don’t know why that hen with the notions is such a strong memory for me.  Granny didn’t have many decorative or fancy things, so i guess that one stands out.

In thinking about that set of grandparents, i also remember a small angel i used to have. 

None of my grandparents had much money and they had a lot of grandchildren (mother is from 1 1 children, daddy from 8).  One Christmas, i was given a small angel.  I think she was from a set of 3 or 4 that was divided among several of the grandchildren.  I kept her for years and years.  I don’t know what happened to her, but my ex got rid of a lot of my things, and a roommate absconded with all my Christmas ornaments i’d treasured over the years, so the angel probably was in one of those sets. 

She seemed to be a combination of these pictures:

She had wings growing right out of her neck.  I didn’t think how odd that was at the time.  She was dressed in pale blue and her dress was straight and flowing rather than the full, fluffy dresses many of the angels at that time wore. She was holding a lyre.  She was probably 3 or 4 inches tall. 

I miss her, of course, but i’m not heartbroken or anything.  She was simply a tangible reminder of days past.

Do you have relics from your childhood that remind you of another time? 

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March???

How can the year be passing so quickly?

I’ve been struggling with a number of things that i haven’t wanted to record. 

But i’ve been doing a lot of other things, too.  I’ve been working on a lace scarf of which i’m very proud.  It is knit on size 0 needles and took 778 rows to complete.  I’m now working on a tam to match.  I’ll post pics of it at a later date.

I’ve been reading.

Right now i’m going thru Harry Potter again, but have also been reading Wheat Belly by Dr. William Davis and The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. 

Duane and i have been listening to Wheat Belly during our commute to OC every week.  However, as much as i believe in the book, i have to warn anyone that it tends to be very technical/scientific.  We like it quite a lot, but i feel limited in the folks to whom i would recommend.  Of course, reading it is easier to skim that listening to it read. 

We wrote Dr. Davis about the difficulty and suggested he write a simpler companion book.  We also suggested a different title, as the folks we've recommended to read the book seem to be a bit offended with the title.  He wrote back a very nice reply and finished with:   

" . . . I hear you on the simplified version. A Wheat Belly for Dummies? Hmmm. Two insults in one!"  

We enjoyed this very much.  :)

The Mood Cure is excellent, too. I’ve been blessed to not have to deal with depression issues (beyond “normal” daily life type things) for many years.  The pull out of depression began when i changed my diet.  But this book deals with much more.  She goes into amino acids that help and her clinic uses and has found most people do not need drugs if they get the right supplements and healthy diet.  I have to say that i’ve read a number of health/diet books over the years.  Most are excellent, but i only agree with 80-90% of their recommendation.  Ms. Ross’ book is the first that i’ve read where i think the diet recommendations are right on target.     

I’ve also found a doctor/clinic i think i can work with.  I’m not very hopeful that i will actually improve, but it is a relief to at least have a resource to use.  I have been using their nutritionist and doing the hCG diet again, but i’m finding this round much, much harder.  I’d hoped doing the diet with a nutritionist to make it a bit easier, but that hasn’t really worked out so well.

So, in a nutshell, that is a bit of what i’ve been doing.  I’ve also been thinking a lot about memories and will probably be writing about some of them. 

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Happy New Year

O God and Heavenly Father,

Grant me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;

courage to change that which can be changed,

and wisdom to know the one from the other,

through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

I always thought this was by Saint Francis of Assisi and i'd never heard of Reinhold Niebuhr, but this is the Saint Francis Prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi

My mother had a copy of this in her house.

It looked like i'd abandoned my blog, didn't it?

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I ended up getting really busy. 

I made about 20 hats for a pediatric cancer unit (not all pictured here),

tons of finger puppets, the snowflakes i've already posted, and

tatted necklaces.

Duane made “survival bracelets” from paracord for the boys.

Because i did 12 days of Christmas for 19 people, i ended up having well over 200 little things to wrap. I'd kind of forgotten that part, and it took me days and days to get it all done. I'd thought i'd be done by late November or early December, but i'd forgotten about all the wrapping.

I've been struggling with negativity and anger. It seems so much of what i have been thinking/feeling is so very negative or angry, i've not wanted to write.

Also – and this is a good thing ! - i've been up more and not on the computer quite as much. I've been playing with amino acids with the help of Julia Ross' The Mood Cure. It has been a hit and miss thing. Some of the aminos made me worse. I am not “cured” by any means, but i am sleeping better and have been able to manage the energy i do have more efficiently.  I haven't considered depression my issue for a long time, but i find a lot of things that surround depression - like trouble sleeping - addressed in this book and i still struggle with them.  

I'm struggling with faith, too, tho this is an on-going thing. I know i have readers (if you're still coming!) who would disagree, but i just don't see a lot of evidence that God intervenes in our lives much at all. I've long believed that God's interaction is largely spiritual and not physical, and i don't see much that changes my mind about this.

I've several people in my life right now who have cancer or other medical issues. I do not understand the faith of Christian people in conventional medicine. “My doctor says . . . ” is quoted as if from some great prophet. I've a whole lot to say on that issue.

I have still sometimes perused the blogs i was reading before, but have not commented due to my fore-asaid negativity. I've tended to be sarcastic in this mood – not that i wanted to be rude to anyone i read but i didn't trust myself or what i would say would come out right. While i was gone, Sara died.

(I like this font, but it is interesting that the “G”s and the “Q”s look the same in lower case: g q .  Also, this font seems harder to read and to manipulate in blogger, so i'll probably abandon it.)

I also need to “clean up” my blog from old pictures (i'll be running out of room soon) and old negativity – i've said some things that needs to come off! So old posts may show up as new. I know that tends to happen when you edit.

So, it is a new year, and my goal is to ascribe to Sara's “Choose Joy” and the prayer quoted at the beginning of the page (tho St. Francis is one to keep in mind, too).  If i've still any readers - thank you for showing up!  I hope you have had wonderful holidays, and a really blessed 2012.

On Vacation

A friend asked if i was going to blog while on vacation.  The truth is i didn't know.  

Thus far most of what we have done has been driving or visiting.  And we haven't had great internet service.  
But i've taken lots of pictures.  (Tho not, i've discovered, as many as i would have liked.  We only got 4 of my Montana Mom's place, and i would have taken many more.)

This has been part of my view while lying down.  Lying at least 2 hours a day while traveling has made an enormous difference.  In fact, at one point i thought maybe i was getting "better" or "well" i was doing so great.  Until i spent one day up the whole time.  That re-arranged my ideas.  

But i have been doing quite well on this trip. 

We were worried that we could get in trouble for me lying while traveling, but that worry was unfounded.  

First off, i do wear a seat belt.  I don't think it would do much for me when lying, but we are sticking to the letter of the law.  Second, i don't think a trooper could even see me.  I lie much lower in the car than we realized.  I can't see much from that position.  I think sometimes the truckers driving semis can see me, but often i can't even see them.  I only see the top of high cars (SUVs) when we or they pass.  

This is the trading post (down the hill) from Custer's Battlefield.  I'm surprised they call it that, for some years ago the name was changed for political correctness to The Little Bighorn Battlefield (saying, "Who would name it after the loser?!")  But i guess it has been changed back.

Sunset from the same trading post.

This trip so far has been wonderful.  I can't begin to tell it all.  We camped one night and learned the difference between "water proof" and "water resistant" in our tent.  We were pretty damp for the next couple of days. 

We visited with some of Duane's childhood friends.  We visited with some friends of my parents i'd not seen in years.  We had a great visit with my mom and her husband Leo.  

And then we got to Bozeman, my childhood home, last night.

This is the place for which i have been so homesick.  

I've wonderful memories of the B&B where Duane and i honeymooned. We stayed in that top room of the turret when we were here before, but this time i really wanted a private bathroom!

This place is managed by someone different now, however.  She is only in her 40s, but i think she is hard of hearing because i've had to repeat myself frequently.  She doesn't seem to understand our humor, either, and responds to us with a blank stare.

When we arrived last night i told her i'd grown up here and she asked if i'd seen various places yet.  We came straight here upon arriving, so i have not.  She told us how it has been ruined and changed by "Californians with money" coming in and making a mess of things.  Her favorite bumper sticker is one that says, "Save Montana.  Put a Californian on the bus."  

The only thing that surprises me about this is that the bumper sticker doesn't say anything about shooting or even more extreme than putting someone on the bus.  I know of that attitude, it was prevalent when i lived here (although this woman didn't move to MT until after i had moved to CA).  I had warned Duane of this attitude and think the downside of driving this trip is our CA license plates. 

None the less, it wasn't the thing to say to us on arrival and it wasn't a very pleasant evening.

Also our cell phones don't work here and the internet doesn't extend to our room, so we have to be in the common room to use our computers online. 

The evening did improve.  This is the first that Duane and i have been alone where we could relax.  Of course we have been in the car together.  We have been listening to audio books part of the time while driving.  I've loved visiting with folks, but i'm glad to have this downtime, too.

This is what we woke to this morning.  We have had plenty of rain on this trip, but usually it is a quick-moving storm that passes and then there is lovely sunshine again.  

This storm looks like it is here to stay for a while.  It is raining steadily now.  

They say "you can't go home again."  In one sense i think that is true. I think it depends upon what you are "looking for" when going home.  I can't regain what i had when i was 18 (no one can).  But it is a beautiful place to visit and i do love it here. 


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Burn out

Interesting that Ron, from The Old Geezer blog, just wrote about "burnout."   The first thing on the list is that frequency of blogging slows down.

Huh.

I have had plenty on my mind of which to write.  I just haven't wanted to write what i've been thinking. 
 
I also have been overwhelmed by my reader list.  I have not routinely read the blogs i follow for about a month now.

People blog for different reasons.  I write because i love writing, and also because i have a deep desire to connect with people.  I've been hit and miss with that in blogging.  There are blogs where i try to make that connection, but the writer never seems to respond to me.  If it is a blog where i find the content very interesting, i will continue to read anyway.  Otherwise, in time i take them off my blog list.  

The list of blogs i was regularly reading was very, very long.  I think i had something like 120 blogs i was following.  I have spent today culling the list.  The thing is, i don't want to "lose" any of those.  Some of them have very good info on eating gluten free or on gardening or green living.  But i found the daily list too overwhelming.  

So i went thru the list today.  The blogs i read regularly and interact with the writers stayed on my "daily read" list.  The blogs of people i care about but don't interact with frequently, or the blogs of folks with babies - and i just can't take that daily - or the blogs of info i want access to read but not to show up daily have all been moved to another Google account.  I can access them when i need, but they won't be showing up daily and overwhelming me.

I'm left with a very manageable 56 blogs i follow, but most of these do not post daily.  A couple of them post very infrequently but i'm afraid if i move them to the other account i will miss the times they do post, and i don't want that.  I would guess there are only about six or seven that do daily posts.  Probably about 20 that do two or three posts a week, and the rest are occasional people.  If i read your blog (in the past) and comment, or you read mine and comment, you are in this regular reading list.  

I'm hoping this will help it to be more manageable for me and that i'll be resuming reading blogs.  Except, of course, we are getting ready to leave on a trip on Saturday, so i won't be doing much reading in the 10 days or so after that.  

Part of the reason i've not been writing much is that i am frankly struggling with anger and bitterness.  I am facing limitations that feel onerous to me, and are much more appropriate to a woman of 90 rather than one of 50.  I have to face the fact that we are not going to have children - yes, i know i have been "facing this fact" for a long time, but it too is eating at me.  I don't WANT to write in anger or bitterness.  And so i have not been writing much at all.  

What have i been doing?  Well, a lot of knitting.  Some crochet and other projects.  I have learned to tat (finally).  Tatting is not too hard, but there is one important part of it that takes a bit of practice to master.  I've still been dieting.  Thus far i have dropped 25 pounds (i didn't "lose it" because i certainly do NOT want to "find" it again!).  I'd like to drop another 25, but it will take time.  Still, i'm pleased that i'm getting into size 12 jeans now, but i would ultimately like to be in size 10 or really i'd like size 8.  But i am very, very pleased to be losing as this has been a struggle in the past.  But the dieting has been taking a fair amount of my energy, too.

I've also been looking for a doctor.  It shouldn't be that hard, but i'm finding it to be.  

I also learned more about the disability i'm fighting.  I'll write more on it another time, but i've learned there are many, many people (many thousands) injured by the drug Cipro or others in its class.  I am one of the lucky ones - i can still walk and drive and breathe on my own.  Let me say, if a doctor recommends Cipro or another fluoroquinolone drug to you, DO NOT TAKE IT without doing extensive research.  Doctors are not aware of the damage it does and give it for simple things like a cough or urinary tract infection.  This class of drugs should be reserved for someone who is dying and has no other choice.  The chance of serious harm from it is just too high otherwise.  Some of the people harmed have been young, and they are no longer able to walk and sometimes even breathe without a ventilator.  (One of my reasons for anger, recently.) 

Oh, and of course i've been planning and preparing for our trip.  I think i've been doing quite a lot of other things, too, but these things are what have come to mind.

I hope y'all are well, and i will be trying to visit and catch up with blogs this week.  

I love you all!  Thanks.  :) 


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Word of the day

I've a very busy morning, but i came across this at The Simple Dollar, and want to remember it:

Respect:

Respect does not mean belief that something is perfect. It merely means that you believe that something has value, flaws and all.

 I think this a very valuable thing to keep in mind as i come across folks every day.  He labels it as the opposite of contempt.   I, of course, try to respect each person in my life, but i sometimes struggle with contempt with their ideas at time (making me feel superior, of course).  It is the "flaws and all" part that caught me here. 


My first client is here.  Have a good day, everyone!




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Projects -

I am doing very well with my 12 days of Christmas project.  I figured it out, i am covering 21 people, so that comes to 252 small gifts!  I am sticking to the same stuff for the kids - a pencil case, pencils/pen, a snowflake ornament, stickers, a flashlight, a tote bag, finger puppets, etc.  For the adults i decided to do it a little differently.  Three people are already complete (except i'm going to give candy one day and i'll wait until Oct/Nov to buy it).  


Most of the tote bags i purchased inexpensively from eBay or other sources.  I'm making a few.  I still have 5 to make (my July project).  My August project is finger puppets, and i have started, but it is going to be a project!  I'm mostly doing animals - dogs, cats, birds, etc.  I made an alpaca yesterday.  


However, i already have almost all of September complete.    October is just to buy some inexpensive stickers for the different ones.  November is to make a necklace for the girls or a paracord bracelet for the boys.  December is candy (for every one but the baby who will be 14 months old then).  I'm anxious to have this all done and finished.  So i'm working at this faster than the one-gift-a-month.  My goal is to have it complete by Thanksgiving.  Then i won't have to worry about much at all for Christmas (a couple of folks for whom we are not doing 12 days things).  I also need to write up a small history of Christmas to send, so they will know the tradition behind this decision.  And, need i say? i don't anticipate doing this again!  But i'm having fun and i have decided that i probably want to have most of my Christmas gifts done in the summer in future years.

Here are the finger puppets i've finished so far.  I think they're cute.


I also have decided i'd like to learn to tat.  I have to admit that i don't see tatting nearly as useful or versatile as either knit or crochet (and i prefer to knit), but it has its own charm.  Mostly it is used for lace.  I have a tee shirt that i don't care for the way the collar is attached.  I thought i could remove it and replace it with a small triangle of tatted lace.  I can't say why i want to do this, except that i do!


So i purchased a tatting shuttle, extra bobbins, and tatting thread from eBay.  They arrived and i've been playing with it and breaking thread.  Tatting thread is quite fine.  I am going to need to move to a coarser crochet thread to learn, i think.  The whole point is to create knots on the "shuttle thread" that will slide.  Somehow i'm creating knots that just knot, and then break when i try to slide them.  

Okay, i've managed to make "a ring" now.  I think i know the basic tatting knots.  But i haven't been able to figure out how to go to the next one, attached.  When i've tried before to go to the next ring, i can't get the shuttle hand to slide.  I have found someone in Costa Mesa (where we stay in OC each week) who is giving beginning classes at Piecemakers (a quilting and craft shop) on weekends, but of course, i'm not there then.  I left a message at her blog asking if she does private teaching.  


I'm rather proud of my picots, by the way.  They are the little loops and the instructions state that it can take some practice to get them a consistent size.  






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Sifting thru

life!

I've been busy.  We had company a couple of times in July.  I LOVE having company, but am not sure how much i will be able to do this in the future.  I am running up against my limitations more frequently these days.  I won't be able to do events (like the currently running OC fair or the BB Antique Car Show) any more without a wheelchair.  I'm not sure how to make changes with company, but i need to.  I tried doing a ladies Bible study recently and found that with my other obligations, getting ready to leave for OC the following day, and the timing - i can't do it.  It simply takes all my energy.  


So, i think i am trying very hard to come to terms with my life such as it is.  And it IS a good life.  I can still do so much, especially compared to others who are disabled.  But it is also hard to run up against limitations of wanting to do something and simply not being able.  I'm not talking about climbing mountains, either!  Just gardening and visiting with friends.  


I was talking with Duane on our drive down Tuesday.  I was telling him that i don't think travel is something we will be able to do (other couples who are childless tend to travel quite a bit or have other activities in their lives). While discussing this i was hit with an overwhelming homesickness (i'm homesick for Montana mostly in the summer).  It also occurred to me that as i seem to be losing functioning, if we don't do it now, we might never be able to.  I could get better, i hope i get better, i want to get better, but there is the possibility i 
could get worse.  


So, if all things work out well, we are taking a quick trip to Montana late this month and early September.  The plan is to actually camp 2-3 of those nights, to spend nights with friends/family 3 nights, and in a motel 2-3 nights.  I don't know if we can do this, but i do know i want to try.  

I've been on the search for a doctor.  Not that i'm really hoping they can do much for me, but i do need this documented.  Saw someone here in BB.  Duane went with me and at first we both were pleasantly surprised with his answers - until i spoke of CFIDS/ME and disability.  Then he let us know - reading between the lines but clear none the less - that he thinks the majority of people on disability are malingering.  Oh.  Thanks.  


So i found another alternative med doc in OC, spent ten hours filling out her paperwork, and have hit a stall because i'm not willing to sign arbitration forms.  I think it is largely a moot area, for i can't see myself ever suing anyone (haven't yet in my life).  So, why not just sign them?  Because it is signing away Constitutional rights and my position is that we have lost too many already and are losing more each day.  I'm not willing to blithely sign them away.  I am quite willing to sign releases on things individually.  I'm happy to sign that i am aware that certain minerals, vitamins, and herbals are not "standard treatment" and that i'm willing to take the risk and other things like this.  But not a  free for all signing away my rights.  


I have also come across numerous websites of fluoroquinoline antibiotic poisoning (Cipro and Levaquin are two of these).  I had honestly thought it was the fluoride in the Cipro that did all the damage.  It might very well be.  But these antibiotics have done tremendous damage to many people.  I was aware that they have caused tendon degeneration that people have had difficulty healing from, but there is much, much more. There is a black box warning on them about rupturing tendons and also "worsening of myasthenia gravis symptoms" - muscle weakness.  In fact, i have to count myself one of the lucky ones because some of these folks are completely bed-bound, unable even to transfer themselves to a wheelchair without assistance.  

(So, i wasn't able to load the pic i wanted, but this is what i use.  You can find it at hCG 1234 website.)

On the positive side of this, i lost 15.5 pounds on the hCG diet and maintained the loss thru 3 weeks of "maintenance" and another week of "normal eating."  I also discovered that sugar can trigger a migraine for me.  And that gluten was probably doing more damage than i was willing to admit.  So even "normal diet" will not be including sugar (much) or gluten, or probably grains much at all, except as the rare occasional treat.  This is the diet i had been striving for, but was having such a hard time achieving.  


I began round 2 this past Monday, the actual diet began on Wednesday.  I have lost 3 pounds so far.  


Duane did the first round with me and lost 20 pounds.  I'm on my own this time as he has no more to lose.  His mother is doing this, too, but she isn't following the diet very carefully and is not losing as fast.  Still, in 3 weeks she lost 9 pounds and 7 inches (as measured by Curves).  The lady at Curves was very excited, thinking she had done it by exercise alone.
  
So, i am very pleased to be losing weight for the first time in 10 years.  I plan to do one more round after this one to get down to the weight i want to be.  :)  A nice benefit of the hCG drops is that i sleep better while taking them, too.  


I've much more to say, of course.  I always do!  About my projects and other things, but this is already long and i'll save it for the next post. 






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Please forgive me . . .

For this short post and that i've not been replying to your lovely and kind comments.  I have meant to.


This has been such a busy week, and i've company coming tomorrow afternoon thru Sunday about noon.  I've extra company (that i'd not planned to have) coming for just the day Saturday, but they've not seen our house yet, so i need to get caught up on so many things!


I'm days behind in blog reading, and will be farther behind yet.  Sigh.  But i generally do catch up eventually.  


Hope you all are well and please know i appreciate so much everyone who takes the time to comment.  


BTW, our lows this week have been in the 30s (F).  Monday night/Tuesday AM the low was 32!  In the middle of July!  Such a surprise.  Oh, and i've maintained my weight loss for 2 weeks now.  The doctor's scale weighed me only 1/4 pound higher than i was 2 weeks ago, so i'm content with that.



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Christmas in July

Well, this is month 7 of my 12 days/12 months of Christmas project.  I wish i could say i'm caught up.  I was ahead of the game for a while, but now many of my projects are time-intensive.  Now that i have the snowflakes completed, i am caught up to the end of May.  June projects are tote bags, and i've only a couple of those done.  (But they are cute!)

I looked again at my schedule, and i am more caught up than i thought.  Just the July stuff to do, and i have a few of the things done into August, so it is not as bad as i had thought, originally!



I also did a little knitted purse for my niece's daughter.  It turned out well.  

Part of the problem is that i am now on to the sewing projects, and i just don't enjoy those the way i do the knitting.  The sewing is not as portable (up and down the hill) either.

Oh, can you tell that i'm rather proud of my crocheted snowflakes, too?  

I had fun with them.  I didn't follow a pattern (i'm horrible at following patterns).  I did look at the pics of some other snowflakes, but then made it up as i went along.  


So, is Christmas on your radar yet, or is it something that will be happening later (around Thanksgiving ?) for you?


Today is my dear sister Elsa's birthday.  Happy birthday, little sister.  I love you!

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