Work

I had some really interesting conversations this week.

It began a week or so ago when visiting with Duane's cousin K.  She'd asked about how Duane and i met.  I told her, and mentioned that we fit together so well and it was so easy from the start that it scared me a bit.  She said they had been like that, too, but then she found out "marriage is work."  (They've been married over 12 years, Duane and i over 9.)

That surprised me.  So on Tuesday i asked Duane his opinion.  He said of course marriage is work. 

So then we delved into our individual definitions of work.  Duane's definition was "time + effort."  I was quite astonished to realize that mine is "pain and drudgery."  

So in Duane's world most things are work, but that is not a bad thing.

In my world few things are work, and that is not a bad thing either.  

My job is not work for me.  Neither is my marriage or my knitting.  From Duane's definition all these things are work, but not in my eyes.

On the other hand, cooking and cleaning IS work for me, and i have to push myself hard to do them.  Going to Orange County every week is work as well.  I have found in order to work there has to be a very big pay off.  Doing the cooking and cleaning means that we eat healthy and life is more orderly and peaceful.  Going to OC means i get to do my job in a very pleasant and rewarding atmosphere, we get to visit with my ILs, i get to shop at good health food stores, utilize doctors with a healthy mindset, visit with friends, go to a knitting group i enjoy, and a variety of other things.  So all these things are worth the work of preparing to leave.  It also explains why i generally am not willing to make extra trips into OC.  

During this conversation Duane mentioned a different knit group i used to attend.  It eventually died and i was rather disappointed but it wasn't hard to let go of it.  I happened to run into some of those ladies at another place a few months back (they were meeting at a craft place in town).  While shopping i couldn't help but overhear their conversation and was amazed to become aware that i did NOT want to join in and i did not miss it at all.  It had been work to make myself go to that group every week.

I've just realized that i find exercise work, too, which would explain why i have such a hard time doing it.  

So this has led to several conversations with other folks about their definitions of "work."  Those conversations have been quite fun and lively.  

I did ask the therapist i work with if i need to change my definition of work (tho i'm not sure i could).  He said it depends upon whether i now find my view of it depressing.  I do not!  I really like that most things in my life are not work for me.  I also like realizing my definition of work.  If i find i'm having to push myself on something i can stop and ask myself, "Why am i finding this to be work?  Does it have an adequate reward at the end, or should i stop pushing myself to work at something that is not worth my time and effort?"

("Therapist i work with" is a different context.  I don't believe in saying "my therapist," "my doctor," or "my illness" so i have to find other ways to word that.  I also will say "the receptionist at my work" or something along that line because rephrasing this would be too difficult.  I do tend to say "my office" rather than "my work" and will probably do so even more in the future.  "Work" in the definition i'm speaking is a verb, while as "my work" or "my office" is a noun and a different meaning.)

I think this has been revolutionary in my life, and will help me make changes for the better, to be more aware of what i do and why i do it.

531

The way of things

Last Friday Duane and i had a really lovely morning in town.  We saw lots of folks we know and had some fun, interesting conversations.

We started out at the chiro.  The lady ahead of me was conversing with the receptionist.  I smiled at her across the room.  After the adjustment, Duane and i went to lunch at his favorite place.  A few minutes later the same lady from the chiro came in and saw kitty-corner across the aisle from us.

We had several fun conversations with a couple of people while we were there.  The lady let it be known she was listening on our conversations and enjoying them.  So we had quite a conversation with her, too.  I love that where we live so many people are friendly.

At the end of our conversation she said to us (but mostly Duane), "I think you have an interesting life."

I was a bit amused by that, but i agree, i think Duane leads an interesting life (tho "interesting" can also be "stressful").

We went grocery shopping and saw a couple more people, and then to the hardware store where we saw two or three more and had a fun conversation with the checker.

For someone who had been housebound all week and alone much of that time, the day couldn't have been better!

Duane left for a Search And Rescue weekend on Friday afternoon, however.  I'd already been alone Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of Thursday.  I now was alone again for part of Friday, Saturday, and more than half of Sunday.  I was still in a lot of pain, too, and having trouble moving around.

At one particularly difficult point in the weekend i snorted at the idea of an "interesting life."  I thought, "if that little lady could see my 'interesting life' now!"

Because the truth is everyone has a few highs, and then long, long stretches of flat lows.  I think books are a lot of fun, but they distort perception.  I just finished an Agatha Christie book of lots of vignettes.  It follows one man thru about 8 years of occasional interesting circumstances.  The book hits the highlights of those years, but in between, of course are days and weeks of everyday activities, not noteworthy or interesting.

Even Harry Potter - one of my favorite series - has that.  She touches on his boring existence when he is with his Aunt and Uncle, but even in a book you can't get the real flavor of the days and hours where the minutes crawl by feeling as if they will never end.  Of course the books also talk about homework and how exhausting and overwhelming it was, but the books can't convey the reality of those hours stretching out.  No one would read books if they were that real!  Books and movies hit highlights!  When we compare our lives to one another, we tend to compare other folks' highlights to our drab, boring time that everyone has.

A few pics i have to add some color:

Today is the anniversary of the date we lost our first baby.  I find it to be a really cruel twist of fate that this is also the birthday of my niece's first child.  I've an article in mind, not on this specifically, but touching on it.  But i'll be posting it elsewhere.



530

Life, In Repose

The wedding is over.  I could write pages about it, but i will simply state i found it strange, weird, and very different to anything i've attended before.  We have no pics.  I'm hoping that some of them will turn out well (of Duane and me together), and that we will get to see them.

Here is "the dress" but i'm not "fancied up" for this pic.  I took those cute little shoes and painted them gold and added glitter.  Not that it mattered.  I don't think anyone even saw them and i went barefoot for most of the evening.

My garden suffered while we were away.  I'd meant to move our tomato pots into the sunroom, but ran out of time and didn't.  It froze while we were away and all the tomatoes were spoilt.  I do still have some tomatoes in the sunroom that were there all along, so i've still hopes for a few.  I also have bell, jalapeño, serrano, and ghost peppers in the sunroom that are coming along nicely.  And i've a few herbs growing there, too.

We had a considerable apple crop this year, tho this pic doesn't look like it.  I haven't processed all the apples yet, but i have spent (or paid for help) about 25 hours on them so far, and have more to do.   I should take some pics of the apples i now have in baskets.  They seem to be of a Braeburn type or maybe some sort of MacIntosh cross.  They are good for eating (although my stomach doesn't handle raw apples well), also for baking and applesauce although i prefer them to be a "chunky" applesauce.

We have had a really gorgeous fall.

We have an "oak bush" that turns lovely colors for a day or two.  I suspect that there was once an oak tree where this "bush" is and that it was cut down but the stems have grown up from the roots remaining.

I have seen packages of fake oak leaves in the stores where the leaves look very much like this.  I had always assumed they came from someone's imagination of oak leaves, but here they are on our tree, looking very much like the fake ones.

We had our first snow on Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

The first pic is Wednesday, the second is about 15 hours later on Thursday.  I tried to get the angle/view almost the same.  The snow melted off quickly, tho, and we are now back to fall weather; it is cold at night but the days are mild.

This morning there have been several jays - scrub and stellar, and a couple of flickers out at our bird feeder.  No snow, sunny and clear, but windy and i think pretty chilly.  Which means the living room will be chilly.  I need to go pick up twigs from the yard (i'm slowly clearing away the deadfall) and start a fire to warm the downstairs.



529

Pity Party

The wedding is over.

I took the week before it off because otherwise we would have been in OC from Tuesday until Sunday afternoon and i couldn't be away that long.  We also both took off the week after the wedding, tho Duane wasn't sure until the last minute he could take the time.

It was our plan to do a lot of "fall housecleaning" and preparing the yard and garden for winter.

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry    -   Robert Burns

Tuesday morning i got up to shower and life went awry.

For many years (at least 20) i've been having what i called "panic attacks" for lack of a better term, but i knew they did not fit the clinical definition, largely because they do not last for the time period specified.  I called them that because i feel a bit breathless and disoriented for a minute or two.  In very recent times i've come to recognize that they are neurological in nature, in fact, probably micro-se.i.zur.es (i'll abbreviate "m-/-s").  They, with the migraines i have, are probably the result of a pretty severe head injury i had when i was 11.  However, they seemed to be benign and self-limiting.  They rarely occur and most often in the shower and last less than 2 minutes all told.  I'd discussed them with a couple of different docs and we didn't consider them anything over which to be concerned.  That changed Tuesday morning, the 1st of October.

I remember having a mild one and thinking, "That wasn't so bad."  The next thing i knew i was on the couch with a very scared Duane sitting by me.  Since i have no memory of it, we can't be sure just what happened.  He heard me fall and came down to check on me.  Almost certainly i had a full-blown s.ei.z.ure.  I hit my head in 3 places, and bit thru my tongue in 4.  I also severely wrenched my low back when i fell.

I called a chiropractor right away, but no one that i trust was available in BB that day.  I had a friend come and give me a massage.  It probably helped, but the pain was so severe that moving at all was a challenge.  We did end up going to ER that afternoon as i was very nauseous - a head injury red flag.  They did a CT scan no contrast.  It came back clear, which basically only means i don't have a massive tumor in my head.   The doc i work with reviewed the d/c preliminary reports and didn't feel i needed to be seen immediately.

I was VERY careful what i told the ER folks.  In 2000/2001 DMV got involved in my life and made it Hell for 18 months, even tho the health practitioners i had then told them i was no danger/threat, etc.

Instead, i am voluntarily not driving until i see the doc in early November.   I'm trying to be as responsible as i can be without getting higher authorities involved.  I don't want to do anything that will endanger anyone, however, i don't want to be told "officially" that i can't drive.   Hopefully the doc can clear me at that point.  I've not had any more m-/-s or worse.  I've never had one while driving.  They generally do occur in the shower, tho i've had them happen elsewhere.  Duane has been with me once or twice when they happen.  I have to stop talking for a minute or so as i'm slightly disoriented, but nothing more.  If i didn't tell him it had happened, he would not know.   They are weird, a kind of a Déjà vu feeling, where a lot of pics flash thru my mind very quickly, too quickly to hold on to the images.

I could write PAGES about all of this.

I have seen a local chiropractor 3 times now.  I don't care much for manual adjustments; they have hurt, but i needed to do what i could.  By far the back injury has been the most limiting.  Although my tongue is not fully healed, i can eat again.  I had only liquids for about the first 5 days.

First off, the severity of the back pain is entirely my fault.  I counsel folks i work with all the time that low back pain indicates that the core/abdominal muscles are weak and need to be worked on/strengthened.  However, i did not act on that myself.  Low back pain has not been an issue for me until the past year, but in the past year there have been warning signs i should have heeded.

Second, however . . . well, i'm having a hard time voicing it.  Sometimes i think i am too soft on myself, don't push hard enough, "baby" myself when i should just soldier on.  I think this incident indicates that probably this is not so.  I think that if i push too hard there is a good chance i could lose all that i have.  I think this shows that i should trust myself a bit more when i say i shouldn't push it.  (I have not been pushing, but i've been berating myself for not doing so, for being "lazy" or other unkind things.)

I often have the feeling that my ILs think me very weird, with the food i choose to eat and other things i do.  In fact, i would guess that they are saying, "Look at what Kathryn does and how sick she still is.  What a waste of time, effort, and money!"  However, from my point of view, i can just imagine how bad off i would be if i wasn't so careful.

After Duane told his folks about what had happened, his mother called me wanting a blow-by-blow account.  I told her she would have to ask Duane as i have no memory of it.  She seemed surprised (and she did NOT ask him - she thought he was too worried already anyway).  I've spoken of the "stress of the wedding" as a diversion for why this happened when people ask.  However, it kind of backfired on me with her.  She is a bit critical of my feeling stressed ("she" didn't stress over it, she said; while i think i stressed more than she, i think she is deceiving herself on this one).  I quite honestly do not want ANY criticism over the incident.  Back problem = my fault.  Everything else is probably my fault, too, but from choices i made YEARS ago and have no control over now.

A couple of Duane's uncles gave me a bad time during the wedding week.  They said, "Everybody has to die sometime!  You might as well be comfortable until then."  I got rather angry over it.  They just don't realize what they are saying.  I know this won't keep me from dying!  I don't really care when i die, honestly, but i want to be in as good health as possible until then.  I don't want to be wheel-chair bound or housebound.  I don't want to live in a nursing home.  I don't want to lose my cognition with Alzheimer's or something similar.  Part of my gift of life (from God) is my body and my mind and part of my stewardship of it is to take care of both to the best of my ability.

Another issue that has come up has been help.  To whom do i turn?  Duane was gone this week, and with snow coming i had a ton of apples to get in.  I did walk to a neighbor's and ask if they wanted apples, but they did not and i didn't say, "I need help with this."  I'm not sure if it is a matter of pride or shyness or what.  I did talk to someone from church, and she stopped by.  She would have taken me to town if i'd needed it.  I want to be independent and self-sufficient.  !  Well, who doesn't?  I'm not sure what my options are when i don't have that ability.

Not driving is a very dismal thing.  At least before i had the opportunity to get away from the house for a while.  When i did the not-driving thing before i found it very frustrating.  What would take 10 minutes in the car took an hour or more by bus, and far more energy.  I do not have that energy to spare now.  What are my options?  A taxi?  I think there is one - ONE - in BB, and it is quite expensive.  Even the bus service here is expensive compared to similar trips in OC.  I don't have the option to go into to town or to see the chiropractor when Duane is away.

I've often felt that my life limits me a great deal.  I don't have the option to make a trip to OC for a weekend family get together without a lot of planning.  It takes so much from me.  Now, with this limitation i feel that life keeps getting smaller and closing in on me.

Several times on FB i see "Don't give up on your dreams" or something to that effect.  What am i suppose to do with that?  What dreams can i hold on to when so much is taken?  I know this sounds self-pitying, and i'm fighting it.  I'm already almost as limited as my grandmother was when she was about 88.  How am i suppose to live another 30 or 40 years like this?

I AM thankful for the things i still can do.  I am able to walk in our yard and do a little gardening.  I can enjoy our cats and watching the birds.  I still am able to knit and to visit with folks.  Duane and i had a very enjoyable trip into town on Friday and i don't look disabled.  I have the ability to make choices that will effect my future - please God, let me make good choices!



528

More of This and That

Nothing more has been done on the sunroom.  We need to be doing our part (sealing the upstairs deck and insulating).  It has been nice and warm out there in the afternoon.

The garden is doing well.  After spending lots of money on it this year, i think we might harvest about $20 of produce.  I'm not too upset about this as it is an investment that we will continue to gain benefits for many years yet.  We also found that our most prolific crop has been sunflowers - sunflowers that the chipmunks planted all over the place and sprouted after our July rains!

The August chill that i feel every year has set in.  The nights for the last week have had lows in the 30s.  The spread is quite significant as the highs have been in the 70s, but the heat of the summer has passed.  Yesterday Duane said, "It will get warm again soon."  ???  I was quite surprised by that.  It is true that Orange County is likely to have plenty more heat yet, but i don't expect it up here.  "What universe do you live in that you expect more heat?" I asked him.  "We have two weeks of heat in July!"  We laughed about that.

This year we had more.  We had a warmer spring than normal, and a couple of really warm weeks in June.  Still, an autumn chill is here.

The kids have been back in school since 1 August.

The first dress has been resolved.  I found the entire thing a pain from start to finish.  I could say a lot about it, but i'll restrain myself.  Paypal required me to file a police report!  They required me to return the dress to China - with tracking (to prove the company received it).  The problem is our local sheriff didn't want to do a report on something like this, and the companies we checked (FedEx and US Postal Service) would not track to that address in China, and it was expensive - $65 from FedEx and $24 from USPS.  I got in an email debate "They won't track.  What do i do now?"  Response:  "We've not received your tracking number.  Tracking is very important." I received about 10 emails of this nature before requesting a Paypal representative contact me.

Someone finally did.  She asked me, "Did you read our emails?"  I said, "Did you read mine?" and made her talk to Duane because i knew i would not be able to be polite.  They did refund the money, but i spent hours and hours on this.  My advice?  Do NOT use Paypal to buy anything from outside the US, and probably don't use it at all unless you are 98% sure you are going to be happy with your purchase.

The second dress - the one i love and wanted - hasn't arrived yet.

The dress the maid of honor ordered this one:

She ordered it in burgundy.  She said she normally wears a 12, but to be safe she ordered a 14.  When it arrived, it is too small for her and of course would not fit me.  (I also think that i would look 6 months pregnant in this dress.)

This is the dress i prefer from the same website:

I don't care for the back very much, but i like the styling and i'm only going to wear it once, anyway.  I got permission to order this dress and was going to order it in burgundy.  They offer to make it to order for an extra $20.  However, when i got ready to order it, it wasn't giving me the choice of adding my measurements; that made me nervous.  I sent an email to the company - no response.  As this company is in the same city in China as the problem dress, the websites are almost identical, and after all the issues i've had, i decided i'm not comfortable ordering it.

I could make my own dress.  I know how to sew, etc.  Or my mother could, she is near professional in her seamstress ability.  But my mother isn't near and i don't want to.  I wondered how to find a dressmaker and how expensive it will be.  So i went to Etsy.

I found this dress:

She will make it to order (in burgundy).  She will add sleeves at no additional cost.  She is in Orange, CA (the middle of Orange County, so close by).  The cost of this dress is the same as the above from China.  She has 100% good ratings from 217 people.  I think that is great!  (Here is the link to the dress and her website.  If this one turns out as well as i hope, i might order a couple of her every day dresses.  lynamobley2012 )

I sent email to the bride to give me an okay.  No word, no word, no word.  Sigh.  I don't know why i end up related to so many people who have a problem with being timely.

But it is my intention to get this dress.  It certainly seems a much better choice than ordering from China again (who is batting 1.000 with sending things we can't use).

I got 2 new clients last week.  :)  Today both new clients are scheduled, along with 2 regulars and another who sees me infrequently.  I am so booked today there is no more room for any more (since i work half day on Tuesday).  And tomorrow - i have one 15 minute in the middle of the day!  "Life is so very badly arranged" - Agatha Christie (and unbalanced - Kathryn).

There is a lot more going on, but that is enough.



527

The Saga, the Drama, the Pain

I did mention that i spent hours and hours choosing the dress i'm to wear to the wedding, right?  I ordered a second dress that will arrive in a few weeks as it is being made to order.  It is a dark green, which goes well with my hair.  I'm knitting a lace shrug to go over it.  The bridal colors are burgundy and gold, and i made my choices specifically to avoid looking like part of the bridal party (tho those are not colors i'd choose voluntarily, anyway).

Oh, i'm still in dispute with the company that sent the first dress.  They weren't doing anything.  I upgraded the dispute to claim at Paypal.  They offered me $16, which is less than 20% of the cost of this dress.  Paypal urged me to take it because i "might not receive anything" when they have researched my claim.  Except the dress sent to me is NOT the dress i ordered and i don't think i should have to settle like this.  If they had offered $60, i probably would have settled.  If Paypal does not settle in my favor they will hear from me and i'll close the Paypal account.  The point of Paypal is to have them protect the consumer.

Yesterday morning i got a call from my SIL.  Wanting to know if i would like to be a bridesmaid.

! ! ! ! !

What could i say?  The truth is that . . . . . . . . . dare i say it?  I'd rather not.  But i can't say that, can i?  She's suppose to send me a link to the dress her maid of honor has chosen.  I haven't received it yet.  I'm anxious all over again.  Choosing dresses for this wedding has been a major source of anxiety for me, i don't know why.  I thought that was all over and behind me.  Sigh.  I can't cancel the dress i've ordered, BTW.  I've spent $280 on dresses i won't be able to wear.

Have i mentioned my wedding dress cost $45 and i spent another $50 on lace and beads i added to it?

I discovered later she'd sent me a TEXT asking this the day before and somehow i'd missed it.

Because i was rather ruffled over this, i didn't tell Duane right away.  When i did, he laughed and laughed and laughed.  Well, we laughed together.  We agreed that this time it isn't our timing that sucks.

Life is a comedy, isn't it?
____________________________

I sprained my hip last week.  Evidently poisoning by fluoroquinolone drugs messes with your dna and mitochondria and has lifetime possibility for injury.  I was sitting!  I wasn't in pain while sitting, but when i got up later it was bad.  Probably the ligaments in the joint capsule were strained.  It was excruciating for the first 48 hours.  After that i did begin to heal rapidly, tho i stayed home this week and have been careful.

I did go to the ER because the pain was so bad i had to rule out a stress fracture.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and the pain was at an 8 constantly (there was no position in which it was comfortable) and jumping to 10 when i moved.  My R leg wouldn't move and i had to grab the front of my jeans to pull it forward.  The X-ray tech was rude.  She wanted me to walk to X-ray and when i told her i was hurting too much for that she said, "We all feel like that every day."  ???  Say what?  SHE was walking!  I was having trouble resting in the position she needed, so she began pushing on my leg to try and make it lie flat!  If i'd been moving better i might have throttled her.  However, this all now gives me some perspective.  It was not broken, and if this happens again, give it 48 hours or so, time to see if i begin recovering, before seeking medical attention.

An ER doesn't know what to do with me anyway.  Someone in that much pain wants meds, usually, whereas i do not.  I did take some cherry juice, ginger, and other anti-inflammatory supplements for this, but never took so much as an ibuprofen.  The doc asked, "So why are you here?"  To which i replied, "To rule out a break."  They also ruled out blood clot.  I find this all so ironic, however, because in the days when i was seeking pain meds (for migraine usually and about once every 18 months, so not frequent) they treated me as if i was malingering and med-seeking.  Sigh.

It is difficult for me to exercise because of the fatigue issue.  But i'm seeing how much of the edge of a knife i walk - it takes almost nothing to incapacite me.  Which means i need to be stretching and doing some exercise if i want to avoid being an elderly person 30 years before my time.

I saw the doc last week (the day before the hip injury) and because i'd been having hip pain she'd written a script for X-ray and bone density test.  She also said we are going to be doing boo-koo (no idea how to spell that) labs to try and see what my actual deficiencies are and what i should be supplementing, and how well my metabolism is working.  Hopefully with this info, we can re-create the positive effects i had in early May.


526

The Dress Saga

This isn't really worth a post, but i have been so frustrated.

Duane took the pic from their website and enlarged it and played with contrast and exposure to see if the dress had pleats and i missed it.  The waistline does show a tiny bit of ruffling, but that could be just how the dress was lying.  The dress does not show pleats in waist and bust line no matter how much we played with lightening the picture.  I could not have known about them from the pic or description.  The description did not mention it.  Nor did any of the pics show a train and that was not in the description either.  It DID say that the dress has a back zipper.  The one that arrived has a side zipper.  My contention with the company is the dress that was sent to me is not the one i ordered.

I wrote the company about this the day the dress arrived.  They said, fine, we want to resolve this but we need pictures of the problem.  I sent several, including the ones i'd posted here with added arrows to point out the problems.

I sent them in JPEG and emailed the company early on the 5th of July.  No response.  Late on Monday i sent them the file again and told them if i had not had some response from them within 24 hours, i would open a file with my credit card company (forgetting that i paid with Paypal).  No response.  I opened a dispute on Wednesday.  Paypal - the go between - said that the company denied my request and is asking for pictures.  I sent the pics yet a third time on Thursday.  Then they said they can't open the pics and would i please send them in "IPG format by attachment."  This is not an option that i can comply with.  Photoshop and iPhoto give me about twelve different option but "IPG" is not one.  (I think this is a typo on their part.  Their pics are in JPG.  Duane tells me that is the same as JPEG.)

I'm really lucky this dress arrived as quickly as it did - it was suppose to take up to six weeks to arrive.  Paypal (and Duane informs me the credit card companies too) allow for dispute for 45 days to 8 weeks (depending on the company) after the payment is made.  That means if it arrives on day 46, you're screwed for your money.  You can still file a complaint that will go on the company's record, but you are out the money.

I think they are just trying to drag this out.  I'll take it to the next stage of dispute if i don't have an answer by Tuesday.  Right now Paypal is just sending our messages back and forth, the next stage asks them to step in and make a ruling themselves.

This is starting to feel like my dream of the reception where i kept trying to get help to resolve the reception issues but no one responded.  I hope nothing like the second dream happens.  I didn't go into much detail, but it was a very awful, bloody dream.




525

Some thoughts

A friend posted this at Facebook last night.

I don't disagree with it, but i have some reservations about it.  I think life is 75% my choices.  I think that the rest of the percentage is 15% choices other people make and i have no control over, and 10% good or damn bad luck.

Get hit by a car running a red light?  That was not my choice.  Being in a bank when it was being held up?  Again, not my choice.  Growing up in an unloving family?  Not my choice.

It was my choice six years ago to fill a prescription given me by a doctor at the emergency room.  I did not research the drug in advance.  I trusted and i took it.  My life has never been the same since.  I have since learned that i am one of a huge number of people damaged by this drug that is given out so easily, but should not be.  There are whole support groups out there (mostly online, largely due to the limitations created by this drug) of people whose lives have been destroyed.

I don't like my life very much right now.  I have a lot for which i am thankful.  But there are so many things i want to DO - and so many ways i've had to cut back on dreams - all because of the damage that has been done.  I've not sat by idly letting life go by.  I've been on a pursuit to recover from the damage.

But changing my life will be much more than simply making different choice.  Sometimes these quotes are just too simplistic for the reality in which we live.


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A Dress for a Wedding

You wouldn't think that a dress for a wedding that is not mine would be a problem.  I'm not in the wedding party.   Duane is.  I'm not mother or sister or mother-in-law.  The wedding is listed as "formal."

For some reason i think this wedding is stressing me quite a bit.  I have no idea why as i'm really not involved at all.  But within 10 days i had two very vivid dreams about weddings.  In the first, i was trying to help set up for a reception.  I walked in and NOTHING was prepared.  The tables were suppose to be round, set up for groups of 10 or 12.  Instead they were in long lines from some other event - and hadn't been bussed yet.  I spent time trying to get the hotel staff to respond.  I woke up and told Duane - "I can't get our money back, or even find management to complain to because this was a DREAM!!!"  (He said faintly, "Well, i guess you get to complain to me."  Dear man.)

Then a few days later i dreamt that i attended a wedding.  No one i knew was there, although i did expect to see a friend and her family.  I don't remember the full dream now, but it devolved into a horrendous setting, hostages taken and tortured and killed.

I have spent hours and hours and hours looking at different dresses.  If you are interested in my final choices, i have them listed here at Pinterest.  I had one i really liked, but it only came in colors i don't wear (pink) or bridal colors (white/cream).  I probably would not choose, but made sure NOT to look at maroon/plum/claret and gold colors as those are the colors for the bridal party and i did NOT want to look like i was trying to be part of it.  Several i liked but black was the only option.  I think for a "formal" wedding that a print isn't appropriate, tho i really liked a black and white dress.  Most dresses were "too young" or "too prom" or "too old" - i have really struggled.  What is the worst of this all is that i know no one is going to even pay attention to me or what i wear - unless i choose something inappropriate.

I finally landed on this one:

It looked plain enough.  But dressy enough.  I ordered it in a dark green which is a color i wear well.

No real description of this dress except it has a back zipper.

This is what arrived:

It really is not at all what i wanted.  And it is HEAVY.  Double heavy satin for the lining.  Side zip instead of back.  I'm in negotiations with the company (in China) about this, but i'm probably out the $$.  Fortunately it wasn't too expensive.

But in the meantime, i went back to the site of the dress i love, and it now comes in other colors.  Here it is:

I've ordered it in hunter green.  I'm making a lace shrug/bolero to wear with it.  This company has really good reviews from people who have ordered it.  It is made to order, so it should fit better than the one above.

We did not have a very formal wedding.  The bridal party all dressed formal, but it wasn't a requirement (or even suggestion) for our guests.  I honestly didn't really care.  I've gone back to look at pics from our wedding to see what people wore.  They dressed nicely.  I suppose they were a bit casual, but most were dressed well and comfortably.  The only people i made direct choices for were the flower girls.  I found some cute and relatively inexpensive dresses in white and lavender.  I left the choice of what to wear as attendants to my sisters.  They chose tops of white and made their own skirts that were similar to the flower girls.  My mother and MIL asked what they should wear, and i'm afraid my response was rather "I don't care."  I think they both chose long dresses in a light green.

So, honestly, why am i so hopped up on this?  I guess it is being told to dress "formally."  But so many of the dresses that come up in formal wear are very young, obviously for a prom.  In fact, we attended a wedding a few years ago for a very young couple, and all the dresses worn by the bridal party looked far more appropriate for a prom than a wedding.  I am not prom age!  But neither do i want to wear a shapeless "matronly" mother-of-the-bride dress.

I guess i'm freaking about this because i don't think i've ever attended a wedding where the guests were requested to dress formally.  Even the most expensive weddings i've attended didn't request this.  I've looked back at pics of a number of weddings we've gone to.  Most people dress very nicely, but by no stretch could you call it "formal."  I never went to prom.  Or homecoming.  Or any event that would require a formal dress.  I don't want to over-dress and stand out, but neither do i want to be too casual.

It is a stupid thing to be stressed about, but there it is.  I have been.  (I know i won't look like the model in the lace dress i ordered.)

Happy July!



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Promised pics

Last week was a busy, busy week.  Besides the visit from Loren and Zane, i had Olivia and a young local girl here to help.  Then my knit group arrived on Friday.  It was so much fun!

I've long wondered what would happen if i pushed and pushed and pushed myself.  This is what happens:
               1. I start to get sick.  I began developing a cough.  and
               2.  My body "shuts down."  Literally. I HAVE to sleep.

Naps are not a happy or desired thing for me.  I wake up from a nap feeling much worse than before.  I avoid them as much as possible.  When i push myself too hard, tho, my body demands sleep and simply shuts down and i have no choice.  But it is not restful, and i wake much more tired and less able to function.  I'm better off not pushing so hard and not requiring a nap.

So, here is the partially completed deck/sunroom/greenhouse.  This deck faces south and is directly off our kitchen.  Our kitchen is pretty cold in the winter.  The upstairs deck prevents it from getting much sun, so i'm hoping this will not only help us to have a longer growing season, but will help the kitchen to have additional warmth in the winter, too.

The upstairs deck is now enclosed with chicken wire and netting so the cats can go "outside."  It has been like that a couple of months now, and has lost its novelty.  It is just another "room" to them and not all that exciting anymore.

The various different gardens.  I've a lot of strawberries planted this year.  I've raspberries (that really have raspberries on them for the first time; we might get a handful).  I have blackberries and blueberries planted.  The blackberries look healthy, tho one has died, and the blueberries are not doing anything.  I also have potatoes, carrots, spinach, beets, peas, beans, three varieties of squash (buttercup, pumpkin, and zucchini), about 8 different kinds of tomato, broccoli, lettuce, cucumber, and watermelon and another melon i've never tried before.  Also several different herbs as well as peppers that will go in pots in the sunroom as i don't think they will do much outside.  My first year really trying to garden.

I had three cubic yards of topsoil delivered last week.  I worked it a bit.  David (who is building the greenhouse/sunroom) did some.  And Duane has moved a huge amount of it.  I wasn't sure exactly how much i ordered, but was afraid to order too little, because the delivery charge is $25 - and i didn't want to pay it multiple times!  The pic directly above shows the terraces Duane built into the little hill on that side.  A LOT of that 3 cubic yards went into these beds.  I don't have enough to fill them this year, but i'm planning for next!

Most of this was started back in May when i had more energy.  It is a struggle now.  But that is why we are planning to have kitchen help more regularly.  I told Duane that if i only have a bit of energy to use, i'd much rather be gardening than cleaning the kitchen.  It was a struggle with energy, too, that i had most of these plants growing indoors in the "cat-free" room.  At the time it wasn't a problem, but then they have to be carried downstairs and outside, and it was a lot of work as i had a lot of plants.  I think the sunroom will help because i can then carry them directly outside and put them in the wagon to haul around.

I think it is time to go out and garden now.  Happy 4th of July!


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