Longing for home sweet home

I never find it easy to be away from home an extra day. Work has not been very busy for me, so it just makes it that much harder. I didn't have anyone scheduled today, & the doc (chiropractor) only had 2, so i wasn't likely to get someone at the last minute, i had them take me off the schedule.

Our cozy woodstove insert

My sunny kitchen (doors not back on cabinet, yet)

The lovely shelves Duane put up for me
I think they look like an old-fashioned pantry
(The wall is slanted)

I love our home!

I was going to visit with my sis for a while, but it's a 2 hour drive. Between the migraine aftermath (mostly resolved now, but don't want to push it) & being so tired, i decided not to. I started a really deep chest cough out of the blue yesterday, & it is wearing me out. I'm not coughing much, but when i do it is nasty & hurts. It also hurts to breathe most of the time. Lying down helps. I've been drinking hot water or tea with raw honey the past couple of hours. Lots of vitamin D as well. The quercetin, coltsfoot, & astragalus are all at home.

Instead of working i went & got a massage & ran a lot of errands. I don't get many massages. I've a couple of folks to trade with, but often it doesn't pan out. We haven't money for me to pay for massage very often. I did today. And, as i often do, i saw someone i'd not used before. One advantage to that is that i can sometimes pick up tricks i'd otherwise not know. A disadvantage is that if i don't know the person i don't know the kind of work they do.

I've decided that, in general, massage therapists give the type of massage they themselves like. Not entirely true, of course. I don't particularly like trigger point, but it is very effective when working with pain or restricted range of motion, so i use it alot. But when i give a "regular massage," i usually give it slow, because i like it slow. When a therapist works on me slow i kind of "melt" & my muscles adjust to the pressure much more easily.

Of the past 4 massages i've gotten, 3 were NOT slow. They were at break-neck, sports-massage pace. Two of those meant i got to the end (once early on) & thought, "Whew! Wish i could get a good massage." One of those i specifically asked the therapist to work slow. Nope, nothing doing. Also, i schedule 1-1/2 hours so the person has time to do the work sloooooow, but it doesn't seem to matter.

Today's MT also worked at a frantic pace. She did slow down when i asked her to, & my muscles did respond better, but she was soon working frantically again.

The difference between what she did & what i've had before was when she was done i didn't as shorted. I think that is because she does have a lot of training & so what she did didn't damage me, tho i still think i'd respond better to a slower pace. Her justification for working fast was that she "had so much to do & spent so much time on the neck." I'd rather she do a little less, meaning fewer techniques, & just slow down & spend some time on the ones she does do. But over all, if it had to be fast-paced, it worked ok. In fact, her stretches, while painful, were inspired & i could move better after them. Still wish i could have someone spend time slowly working my aching calves.

Think this is enough for today. I've been feeling very emotional lately (and H.A.T.E it) & was going to explore that, but it will wait.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

(a row of smiles, in case you didn't get any today. don't know what that is going to look like!)

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Down the hill, Easter, other thoughts

I had so much on my mind Saturday when i started that other post, but i didn't get them finished. Last night i realized i would not be able to complete it & so posted it as it was.

So, guess i'll try to work thru some of the things i was thinking. If i get thru them, this may end up a long post. (I always feel like i need to apologize for being verbose. However, i usually enjoy other folks' longer posts of thoughts!)

Also, here are some pics of the mountains headed down the hill yesterday. Yes, the mountains still have snow. We had a skiff of snow Saturday AM, tho it soon melted off. There are places in Bear Valley that still have quite a bit of snow, mostly drifts in the shadow, but our yard is clear of it. It still gets cold at night! Sunday AM when we got up for the sunrise service it was 20 F outside.

There was a lot of family down the hill. Fun to visit, but the migraine made it a bit more difficult. I'm not a big crowd person at any time. I like people! But i prefer to be in small groups or one on one. So the noise & sunlight was hard & i didn't visit much. I also had some vegetarian issues. It can be hard when family don't understand.

I really want to talk about some other things that may sound self-pitying, but i don't pity myself. I get frustrated & discouraged.

Last week dear friend Dawn reminded me of some realities. I'm almost afraid to share them because so many people don't understand. I have moderate to severe chronic fatigue. I guess the actual term is Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS). I also have fairly severe Epstein-Barr virus, both chronic & acute. With the chronic fatigue goes adrenal fatigue & some heart issues as well. I began having arrythmias last summer. They come & go, & calcium-magnesium help, but the arrythmias make me very tired. I recently wrote about trying a "blitz" cleaning in my kitchen, & 1 hr & 40 minutes put me in bed for 3 days. I look normal. I feel that i am normal. It feels to me that if i just pushed harder i could get past this. But it doesn't work that way. Someone truly normal feels better after exercise. Me, i want to curl up & die.

But most people just don't understand this. And so i feel lazy. And i feel i haven't much value.

Dawn, with 20 years of experience with CFIDS, gave me some hard facts. I'd written about feeling discouraged about my first week of attempting to lose weight. She let me know that my goals, currently, are not realistic. Until i address certain physical problems & have them under control, trying to lose weight with calorie restriction & exercise could make me very ill. In my heart i know she's right & i need to listen to her wise counsel.

Part of me was thinking, "If i can't get pregnant & have a baby, at least i can try to be thin again." And part of me wonders, "What value am i? If i can't do anything, am i worth anything at all?" I mean, honestly i'm talking about doing dishes & laundry. That is a struggle.

I was reading a blog on managing money. He had a whole list of suggestions for different kinds of ways to make extra money in the current economy. Most of them are simple, but they are things i cannot physically do.

And so the question also comes, with my current physical health, how could i possibly carry a pregnancy & survive? How would i care for a little one, whether by birth or adoption? Now, i don't rule out a miracle. God could surprise us & bring a baby. Duane & my MIL would do much of the work. It might happen yet.

Still, i believe i'm being called to accept where i am. I need to come to terms (title of a blog of similar sentiment) with where i am. A childless life, not by choice.

Part of me still says, "Of what value am i? Worthless." But that is not what God says. He sent his son to die for me, that i might live. Ten years ago i would have been suicidal at these feelings of worthlessness (but then i was on psychotropic meds then, too, which i now believe to be poison). As i wrote in another post, God doesn't compare me to anyone else. Not someone with more wealth, not someone with more energy, not someone more successful, not someone prettier or cuter or with children. He takes me as i am.

For some reason, the verses from Philippians 2 come to mind:

Let this mind be in you that is also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal to God, but emptied himself taking the form of a bond servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.

I can't say i understand this, especially the robbery equal to God, some versions say ". . . did not regard equality with God a thing to be grapsed . . ." Can't say i understand that any better. But what i do understand is that Jesus humbled himself by being obedient. For him that led to the death, burial & resurrection we celebrated yesterday.

Just a few verses later it says:

. . . work out your salvation with fear & trembling for it is God who is at work in you, both to will & to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or disputing . . .

I know there are debates about this verse over good works/grace. I'm not going there. I'm focusing on "God who is at work in you . . . for his good pleasure."

I don't know why, but it is God's good pleasure for me to be exactly where i am right now. I don't know why. God does a lot of things i don't understand. Maybe (& this is only my speculation/opinion) when things we find painful happen, it is God's good pleasure that we wait on him to work it out. I'm imagining it to be simlar to a child who is patient & obedient even when something unpleasant is happening. Say, a broken arm & the child is patient & waiting as the parent takes him to the ER for Xrays & to have it set (tho i know in general this is not how things go these days). The child doesn't like the pain of the broken arm & doesn't understand what is happening; the parent doesn't like the pain the child has to experience, but the parent is making decisions best for the child, & the child trusting the parent knows that the parent's choices will be for the best. (Not a real life scenario, i know, but i can IMAGINE!) It would be the parent's good pleasure for the child to be cooperative & patient.

For some reason, it is God's good pleasure for me to be exactly here. To wait on God. Both Duane & i are very aware that God promises that all things work together for his good for those who are called according to his purpose. There is no promise that the things we hope for will occur. But i do trust that what he is planning will be for good, tho maybe not good as i see it with my limited vision. God is calling me to be where i am now, & accept it.

I'm not a fundamentalist. I don't believe that God causes each & every thing that happens to us to occur. I know other Christians do. God stands outside of time - i don't think we can even comprehend that - & so he sees all things at once. He is the same yesterday, today & forever because he is not bound by time. He promises that it will work together for his glory. I don't know why it should be that our not being parents would glorify him. Duane would be such a wonderful daddy. He loves kids & they love him. I've always loved babies & wanted nothing more than to have them, to raise children, & to help them grow & learn. I also know many, many other couples in the same situation.

There is an old Depeche Mode song called "Blasphemous Rumours" that has as part of its lyrics:

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
but i think that God's got a sick sense of humour,
and when i die, i expect to find him laughing

And it wouldn't surprise me either. (LET ME FINISH HERE!)

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
1 Corinthians 1:25

I think that when i die, then i will understand what i need to (i can't imagine me questioning God, "Why didn't you give us children"!) & that God will be laughing with the happiness that we are in his presence & finally understand.

It doesn't make sense to me that Duane & i should meet so late in life that a family is only wishfullness. It doesn't make sense that someone as wonderful as Duane should choose me at all. It doesn't make sense that i should desire so deeply to be a mama, & only meet him at the very end of the ablilty to have children. It doesn't make sense that the only confirmed pregnancy we've had would end so early when our baby's heart was still beating. So many things don't make sense & they look like a sick sense of humor to me, here & now, but they are God's good pleasure. They will work for his glory, tho i can't begin to see it. And when i die, i expect i'll find him laughing. Because then, then, then . . . all these things will make sense.

There is more to be said, but i think this is enough for now. I need to accept that for whatever reason, & despite my best efforts (you wouldn't believe all the things i've done to try to recover my health) it is God's good pleasure to be who i am now. And that means a person who is childless, & has no energy. And yet, and yet, for some reason i can be happy here. I can rejoice that God doesn't compare me, that he loves me (even as i feel worthless), that Jesus died for me, & that i wait on him to see the unfolding of glorious things.

Let me add one last thing. I believe this is where God calls me to stand. Maybe because i'm old to have a baby & not in good health. Maybe to learn to trust more. I don't know. But i'm not saying this is where all folks trying to have a family should be. This is the path i feel i'm called to walk, not a condemnation of the path of others.

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Many Thoughts

Happy Easter! The Lord is Risen! The Lord is Risen indeed!

We're to attend a sunrise service tomorrow AM. Then hurry home & do many things to be ready to go down the hill a day early so as to spend Easter with family. Going down the hill early is never a favorite of mine. Going down the hill means "work" to me. And i get stressed planning for the extra time away. I don't like leaving my home messy for me to come home to, but it happens.

I've had a migraine 24 hours now. That is rather uncommon these days. But since the accident (minor, someone backed into me) in December, my head doesn't seem to be on straight. The DC has to keep readjusting my occiput. I don't remember having to have that done before the accident, & i can feel it directly effecting the headache. And, of course, i son't be able to have it adjusted until Monday.

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Ugggh!

The cats decided this AM that it was the perfect time to run, jump, & play (with the noiseiest items they could find), bounce on the bed & jump to the dresser! Not 8 AM, or 7 or 6. FIVE AM.

Have i mentioned i am not a morning person? LOL

Far back as i can remember i have never been a morning person. Since i don't remember much of my childhood, maybe at age 2 or 3 i bounced out of bed singing. But i know by the time i was 9 or 10 - starting a life long pattern - i crawled out of bed with toothpicks holding up my eyelids.

When i was about 15 i started a habit i used during the school year of getting up 45 minutes before i had to. I would take my shower, & then go back to bed for half an hour or so to give myself time to wake up.

I was going to write about something a friend reminded me about for chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue, & the reality of where i am. But i think i'll take a nap first!

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The numbers are in - Week 1

Here it is:

• weight - 172 lbs
  
• chest - 46 inches
• waist - 36 inches
• hips - 43 inches

They haven't changed much.

I do weigh myself every day when we are at home (sometimes as many as 3 times). I've seen the numbers on that particular scale vary 5 pounds across 3 hours. This past week i've had numbers from 168 to 176. Sigh. My husband's scale is probably more accurate, but:

1. it weighs me heavier than the one i use
2. it has the dark numbers not the brighter lighted numbers

This second one is important as i usually weigh myself without contacts & can't read the numbers his reports (on the other hand, i could then just make up numbers . . . no, it wouldn't help).

Well, on to week 2.

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Different

A lot of folks are doing different "memes" of things. Sometimes i participate, but mostly to ony try to meet other folks. Feels like my blog is "meme" enough already.

Today two different kinds are going, "Way Back" & "Down Memory Lane - Things to Remember."

So, i have a couple of old pics already scanned it that fits both of these.



Sis #3 with two of the goats. They only had these the last couple of years i lived at my parents' place. We had cows most of the time i was growing up. I don't remember much about the goats.








Sis #2 with one of her sheep. That truck was very old at the time. We ate a lot of "pork chops" when i was growing up, because my parents knew that we wouldn't eat the lamb chops that had been my sissy's pets.







These are two of my horses, Candi - she's black, & Star, my pony. Both have winter coats so they look scraggly. The other horse i had, Blaze, was no longer mine by the time these pics were taken.





















I would try Rosemary's fun crafty thing with movie stars, but don't know a lot about them, & haven't thought of a creative way to put it together. Maybe my brain will come up with it before long.

Ok, i will connect to one spot. This is one i follow. Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground.


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We're Home

It was sunny & warm in OC when we left.

Thru N OC & Riverside it was sunny with puffy white clouds in the sky. It began to get darker when we got to San Bernardino County. When we turned toward the mountains it was definitely very dark.

We had a little rain first. Then we hit hail. Light, but noisy. The roads were were wet & steaming. Then we went thru a cloud. Got snow (& could see hail on the ground) as we were getting home.

But now the clouds have passed & most of what was on the ground has melted.

Still, it is suppose to be cold this weekend. The house feels cold, it always feels cold. But it is 56 F in here, so what are we complaining about!

We also found that the Holiday Rabbit had been here early (Duane thinks it was the Holiday Woodchuck!) & left us wood. We strongly suspect (in fact we know) it had to be friend & fellow blogger David. And we don't believe in Holiday Rabbit/Woodchuck. The Lord is Risen!!! But we are thankful for the wood. :)

Fed the squirrels. The cats are very silly. They want to play.


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Emotional, forgive the tears

I don't cry often. I don't like crying. So, usually, i don't.

Had a long talk with Sis #2 (meaning second child, there are three of us total) yesterday. I believe it had been since last summer that i last spoke with her. She doesn't call me, & when i've tried to call her, her kids tell me she is "unavailable," so i kind of gave up. She wasn't aware that we hadn't talked for more than 9 months. Sis #2 has 6 children (the oldest is getting married this summer). We don't talk often, & i know she is very busy, but i often feel that having a relationship with me has no priority in her life.

Sis #3 lives about 3 hours away from me, & over the past 10 years we have carved out something of a relationship. In fact, it is pretty solid. But it has taken a long time because neither of my sisters trusted me.

It was like this: I've known from a young age that our family was not healthy. I didn't know the psychological details or how it was not healthy, but i knew something was very wrong. Within 2 weeks of my 18th birthday i moved away, & had minimal contact with the family from there on. I didn't cut all contact, but i limited it as much as i felt was possible. Both my sissies, however, believed we had a wonderful family & there was nothing better than the family in which we were raised. That denial lasted a long time. So, i was a "horrible person."

My sissies both eventually recognized the sickness for what it was, but somehow, i felt they still felt i was a horrible person. Sometimes Sis #2 talks about the things she is going thru as if they are unique to her. I don't quite know how to explain my feelings when she does this, i'm not sure i know. Except i feel like none of the things i have worked thru - & on my own because my sisters denied the problem - are ever recognized.

This is a pic of the three of us a couple of years ago when Sis #3 got her Master's degree. This sounds self-pitying, but it feels to me an example of our relationship. The two of them, & me off somewhere to the side. (If i had a photo of my actual feelings, i'd be in the next room or down the block. LOL)

Anyway, in the course of our very long conversation yesterday Sis #2 asked if it hurt me that i'm on the outside & that i am not included in sister things, & that they judged me to be an awful person. (Those weren't her exact words, but the meaning of her question.) What could i say to that? I cried, for yes, it hurt. I still feel crushed by it. It has been an anguish to me for many years. And it has been hard for me that neither ever said, "You were right. The family was not healthy." But Sis #2 said something close to that yesterday. She apologized to me & said it must not feel good.

As i said, it was a long conversation. One of the things that came very clear to me thru it is than none of the three of us ever considered ourselves worthy of love. The result of that was that i married the first guy who came along & showed any interest in me (my first marriage). Sis #2 married similarly to escape from home - she still felt it was the "perfect home" but wanted to be as far away as possible & marriage to someone living far away was the only choice. Sis #3 immediately distrusted anyone who got near her or showed any interest, & so never married. This doesn't begin to dredge the depths of these feelings of being unlovable, but it touches on it. What i thought during the conversation was that this, far more than anything else, speaks to how unhealthy our family really was. When all three of us, at the deepest part of our souls, believe that no one could truly love us, what kind of family raised these girls?

I've tried to be careful in this post because this is not my story only. I have no trouble sharing my own story, but this includes sisters who may not appreciate the public post. If it disappears soon, it will be because i decide that it is too much their story & they wouldn't appreciate me posting it. Somehow i have to share it, tho, because i'm finding myself surprised at how much it still hurts. And i don't know that anything will ever improve it. I thought i had forgiven it, but it looks like i've still some work to do.

If you are a praying person, i'd appreciate you including Sis #2 in your prayers. I can't share details, but she & her family are facing some extreme choices & need to be lifted up to the Lord.

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Quick post, a lot on my mind

I've been in the mood to knit. Baby blankets.

Now. there is no reason for this (such as an impending baby for us) & really no excuse. I've a project of looks-like-quilted duvet cover that i should finish. But i WANT to make a baby blanket! So i bought some yarn & i'm going to do it.

I've not worked on a baby blanket since i was pregnant before, & said i would not until i was pregnant again. (In fact, told MIL she'd know i was PG if she saw me knitting baby blanket.) But i've changed my mind. It is not that i think we will actually use this. The blanket i was making for Kaylee now has been given to Meredith. I figure i'll make it & if i'm not PG by the time i've finished, i'll give it away. Plenty of folks to give it to. However, i do have to wonder how many of them i'll make & give away before i accept that it isn't going to happen for us.

On a side note, i've seen people who are either trying to conceive or wanting to adopt have a complete nursery ready for quite some time. No pregnancy, no adoption. Part of me thinks, "Are you crazy?" Largely because for me it would be a constant reminder of failure. Even my very small box of "hope chest" of baby clothes has largely been depleted now as i find that it is not good to hold on to things. If we get pregnant, or adopt, either one by God's own miracle, then will be the time to shop with joy. Of course, many of these people with nurseries ready are younger & almost certainly will have a family. We have no certainty at all. Still, i wonder if their journey takes them 2 years, or 3 or 5, are they going to be sorry? Maybe it is a tribute to their faith & hope. For me, i think i'm being called to wait. And wait. And wait some more.

There were 2 different folks who asked today about possible baby. One couple are folks we like a lot & befriended last summer, resort folk who don't come up much in the winter. And another sweet, grandmotherly lady whom i love. Both have been praying for us & are sad it is not happening. But we can't make things happen.

Pastor said today in the homily that God doesn't say "No." Said he says, "Wait," or "I have a better idea." (Think i have indicated that i consider most of his homilies as his opinion.) But i do think he is probably right here. We have been waiting. Hard for me to understand what is a "better idea" than having a family, but we are waiting to see what he brings.

Other things percolating up in my noggin, but i'm off to start a baby blanket. I'll post a pic of it sometime.

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Weird kind of day

Today has been the strangest day.

The wind is blowing, blowing, blowing. Ben's weather - the online service we use - shows the wind has been between 16 & 26 MPH, with gusts up to 40.

Jazz has been acting weird. He's driving us nuts. He's always more vocal than Mac, but today he has been talking constantly. We don't know what he wants. He acts like he desperately has to be outside. He has never been an outdoor cat. (If you saw the pic of the coyote, you know why.) Mac had been a stray, but we got Jazz at 8 weeks & he's never gone out.

I finally gave up & put them out in the garage for a while. They usually do consider that a treat - although not so much if they can't come & go at will. Today i closed the door. And left them there for about an hour. It was quiet in the house for a little while.

I hope Jazz isn't predicting a big earthquake. I've heard animals do that sometimes.

Ok, have tried to start the diet. (Not doing so well today.) But it seems that every one i follow who does recipes is covering desserts this week. Helllllloooooo!!!!! It makes this so hard! All the yummy looking things & i have to keep reminding myself, "Ah, NO! Not sugar-based baked goods." Not so much fun.

Everything i've eaten today has made me rather nauseous. (No, not pregnant.) I'm also feeling very antsy, jumpy. I haven't said this before, but i have ADD characteristics when i'm on the web. I currently have 5 windows open in Firefox, and 7 open in Safari, plus my day planner, itunes, & iphoto. (Just discovered 2 more in Firefox i shut down.) I flirt between them. I read a paragraph or two, go play a hand of cards, open something else, check my mail, etc., etc.

I'm feeling really weird, like i've taken Tylenol with codeine, except i don't take things like that anymore (or any other drug Rx or OTC). I'm feeling disconnected, & desperately wanting to connect. I want to sit here & waste more time, i want to go finish things on my "to do" list. I want to stop making so many dyslexic typos. I want my head to stop spinning. Maybe i should go pray.

This is a really weird day.

On a funny note, i was writing a response to someone yesterday. I tend to be very dyslexic when typing, especially with my ring fingers, most notably "l" & "s." Someone was talking about kissing. I responded about kissing my husband, except i reversed the "s" with the "l." You figure it out.

I love to kill my husband every day. . . not! LOL Fortunately, i do READ the things correctly & fix it.

Gotta go & find my head.

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