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11 January 2013

Welcome, New Year

Oh, the times they are a changing. 

A lot has happened.  I've not managed it all that well.  

Duane's company is struggling and they have let people go.  When this happened before, Duane covered 5 days a week for about 9 months.  In those days we went down on Monday, came home Wednesday.  Then he went back for Thursday, Friday.  He's been worried they would ask him to cover 5 days again.  However, we now go down together Tuesday, Wednesday and come home Thursday.  To try and cover the week would create a number of problems for us.

But his boss just asked him to come earlier Tuesday, which we can do, and stay later Thursday.  This one is a bit harder for me.  Duane says "it's just a few more hours." That is true.  However, i've been pushing myself to the limit the way we've been doing it.  I found out over Christmas, when we were there for an extra day, just how greatly this depletes me.  Plus, if i have to be there the extra afternoon anyway, i think i'll expand my hours at work.  The result of this, however, is that i may have to change the schedule in other ways.  Currently, in order not to burn out, i've been working 6 weeks and taking the 7th off.  It is very possible i may have to start working 4 weeks and taking the 5th off.  We'll see.

This week we stayed until Friday morning and left this AM around 7.  I didn't want to do it that way, but we'd had a storm last night and decided it would be safer not to travel those roads at night.  This may not seem like a big change to Duane, but i'm afraid i find it to be.  I'm in much more pain tonight, and doing this may drive me closer to non-functioning.  But it is important to do this and not to complain because i need to support Duane and not add more to his stress.

I've been seeing a therapist from time to time.  He said that if i choose to see this as a gift i'm giving Duane rather than something to endure or force myself thru, it could help with my attitude and the way my body responds.

Duane's brother and his new wife and step son were suppose to come visit in December and help trim our tree.  They weren't able to come.  The tree never got finished.  Then they were suppose to come last weekend.  They didn't come.  They didn't let us know until Saturday morning, and i didn't manage that very well.

I've written of it before, but i have a long history of people i care for not making much of an effort to carry thru plans.  I have story after story after story - that i won't bother the writing of.  

For many years i wanted to believe that "friends are the family you choose for yourself." I wasn't very happy in my own family and wanted another.  I believed i would have children and husband and create this.  Well, the children didn't happen.  I've tried thru my years to collect friends i could consider family.  What i've found is that i may see them that way, but the feeling is not mutual.  My expectations have evidently not been reasonable.  The pain behind this is much more than i want to put down.  However, i don't have a very good reaction sometimes when these disappointments come.  I'm always hurt but sometimes i can handle it better than others.  

Saturday was a "not handle it well" day.  I leaked all day long.  However, i think this disappointment was a deeper one.  You see, when Duane's brother got married, he said, "If we can't have our own, i'll just steal Sam's kid."  Twice making plans with us and then finding that they just don't have time seems to set a pattern that i can foresee continuing in the future.  I don't think we'll be able to borrow this kid often.  Too many other things will come up and, in spite of the best intentions, it just won't happen.  We will be shunted aside to the periphery of the child's life.  He'll be glad to see us when he does, but that won't be often and we won't develop a real relationship with him.  

And so, yes, i'm crushed and i was broken most of the day.

But a new day keeps coming with its new blessings.

I'm thankful Duane's work will continue, at least for now, and that they are not asking him to be there on Monday or Friday.