life!
I've been busy. We had company a couple of times in July. I LOVE having company, but am not sure how much i will be able to do this in the future. I am running up against my limitations more frequently these days. I won't be able to do events (like the currently running OC fair or the BB Antique Car Show) any more without a wheelchair. I'm not sure how to make changes with company, but i need to. I tried doing a ladies Bible study recently and found that with my other obligations, getting ready to leave for OC the following day, and the timing - i can't do it. It simply takes all my energy.
So, i think i am trying very hard to come to terms with my life such as it is. And it IS a good life. I can still do so much, especially compared to others who are disabled. But it is also hard to run up against limitations of wanting to do something and simply not being able. I'm not talking about climbing mountains, either! Just gardening and visiting with friends.
I was talking with Duane on our drive down Tuesday. I was telling him that i don't think travel is something we will be able to do (other couples who are childless tend to travel quite a bit or have other activities in their lives). While discussing this i was hit with an overwhelming homesickness (i'm homesick for Montana mostly in the summer). It also occurred to me that as i seem to be losing functioning, if we don't do it now, we might never be able to. I could get better, i hope i get better, i want to get better, but there is the possibility i
could get worse.
So, if all things work out well, we are taking a quick trip to Montana late this month and early September. The plan is to actually camp 2-3 of those nights, to spend nights with friends/family 3 nights, and in a motel 2-3 nights. I don't know if we can do this, but i do know i want to try.
I've been on the search for a doctor. Not that i'm really hoping they can do much for me, but i do need this documented. Saw someone here in BB. Duane went with me and at first we both were pleasantly surprised with his answers - until i spoke of CFIDS/ME and disability. Then he let us know - reading between the lines but clear none the less - that he thinks the majority of people on disability are malingering. Oh. Thanks.
So i found another alternative med doc in OC, spent ten hours filling out her paperwork, and have hit a stall because i'm not willing to sign arbitration forms. I think it is largely a moot area, for i can't see myself ever suing anyone (haven't yet in my life). So, why not just sign them? Because it is signing away Constitutional rights and my position is that we have lost too many already and are losing more each day. I'm not willing to blithely sign them away. I am quite willing to sign releases on things individually. I'm happy to sign that i am aware that certain minerals, vitamins, and herbals are not "standard treatment" and that i'm willing to take the risk and other things like this. But not a free for all signing away my rights.
I have also come across numerous websites of fluoroquinoline antibiotic poisoning (Cipro and Levaquin are two of these). I had honestly thought it was the fluoride in the Cipro that did all the damage. It might very well be. But these antibiotics have done tremendous damage to many people. I was aware that they have caused tendon degeneration that people have had difficulty healing from, but there is much, much more. There is a black box warning on them about rupturing tendons and also "worsening of myasthenia gravis symptoms" - muscle weakness. In fact, i have to count myself one of the lucky ones because some of these folks are completely bed-bound, unable even to transfer themselves to a wheelchair without assistance.
(So, i wasn't able to load the pic i wanted, but this is what i use. You can find it at hCG 1234 website.)
On the positive side of this, i lost 15.5 pounds on the hCG diet and maintained the loss thru 3 weeks of "maintenance" and another week of "normal eating." I also discovered that sugar can trigger a migraine for me. And that gluten was probably doing more damage than i was willing to admit. So even "normal diet" will not be including sugar (much) or gluten, or probably grains much at all, except as the rare occasional treat. This is the diet i had been striving for, but was having such a hard time achieving.
I began round 2 this past Monday, the actual diet began on Wednesday. I have lost 3 pounds so far.
Duane did the first round with me and lost 20 pounds. I'm on my own this time as he has no more to lose. His mother is doing this, too, but she isn't following the diet very carefully and is not losing as fast. Still, in 3 weeks she lost 9 pounds and 7 inches (as measured by Curves). The lady at Curves was very excited, thinking she had done it by exercise alone.
So, i am very pleased to be losing weight for the first time in 10 years. I plan to do one more round after this one to get down to the weight i want to be. :) A nice benefit of the hCG drops is that i sleep better while taking them, too.
I've much more to say, of course. I always do! About my projects and other things, but this is already long and i'll save it for the next post.
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Duane and i completed 24 days of hCG and each lost about 15 pounds. We are more than a week into the 3 week "maintenance" part of this diet. Duane is greatly looking forward to eating chips and pizza and bread again. Since he loses so easily, i've encouraged him to eat now, if he wants. But he is stubborn and when he sets his mind to something, he sticks to it.
We both have maintained our loss so far. I do see the scale vary a couple of pounds, and i think my most common weight now is about half a pound higher than my lowest weight. But i'm quite happy. I could start another round the very end of July, and part of me wants to. BUT this is summer with lots of good things available (peaches and raspberries!) and so i think i'll wait until mid-August before beginning again.
I don't think i'll do more than 21 days on the hCG drops, unless this next cycle is different than this one. I did find myself hungry most of the time. I think it is because i eat mostly vegetarian. On the days i had fish i think i was a bit less hungry. When we reached day 21, i honestly could not imagine going another 19 days. (The longest recommended is 40 days, and then you skip the drops every 7th day so your body doesn't become immune to the hCG.) But if i find that i'm not hungry next cycle, maybe i will go longer.
I STILL am having sugar cravings. I don't give into them and eat what i am not suppose to (like a candy bar), but i still am craving apple pie, and cherry pie, and brownies, and Almond Joy, and the list goes on and on. I can't help but wonder if i would lose that craving if i allowed myself no sweetener at all. I've been using stevia in my tea and making lemonade with it, and using it in yogurt and other things. Stevia is a natural, no-calorie sweetener. I don't have issues with it the way i do with Splenda or aspartame. It is very sweet, and i wonder if just the taste of it is enough to kick in my cravings. I hate the thought of giving up everything that is sweet! I did try making a homemade ice cream sweetened with stevia and xylitol. I was disappointed in the results.
However, all that said, i am doing well. We have not eaten out at all since we began this 4+ weeks ago. This from people who were eating out at least 3 times a week. I do have a kind of meal plan down better than i did before, but a very simple one that fits us. In that respect, i've not really missed the "before" meals, which kind of surprises me. Also, i noticed today that i can't remember when i last had a headache. I think i was getting minor levels of poisoning when we were eating out. I had been getting a number of small migraines. I was in some pain the first week or so on the diet - and missing my cherry juice. Tart cherries have been shown to be as effective as ibuprofen for inflammation and pain. I tend to drink about 8 oz of tart cherry juice a day to deal with chronic pain. But this is a no sugar diet for its entirety (even during maintenance) and so i've not had any fruit drink.
I'm very pleased with the results. I'm anxious to begin again, but as i said, probably not until the middle of August. If i do 2 more cycles and i continue to lose at the rate i did this time, i should reach my goal and be thru with the 3 week "maintenance" a week or so after Halloween. In time for Thanksgiving! :) Not that that matters much. I don't usually eat much at Thanksgiving and i don't over-indulge.
Now, passing up candy at Christmas - that will be another matter! :)
So, what is your downfall? Mine is sugar/chocolate/sweets, but i know lots of folks who like chips or soda or whatever. What do you have trouble letting go of?
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Do you ever follow blogs that then just disappear or the person stops posting? I've had that happen a couple of times and can't help but wonder what happened to them.
I couldn't say why i've not been posting. I guess my mind has been on other things and i've been trying to prioritize how i use my energy. Not that blog writing takes a lot of energy.
I have been on the hCG diet for 12 days now, and have been blogging my progress at Hawkes' Health: Katee and hCG and weight loss. I think there are a couple of pages there before i actually begin the diet. Three others at that site are doing this diet, too. Islander, Reesacat, and Mellowsong are all doing it (Islander is finished her first cycle with a 24 pound weight loss). Their experiences are listed in the blog spot at the bottom of the Hawkes' Health page.
The hCG product i purchased is here: 1234 hCG. Duane is doing this with me tho he is not overweight. He had gotten some abdominal fat, however, which is related to a host of chronic diseases, and he is doing it mostly to support me. I discovered he has never in his life been on a diet before. That blows my mind! Forty-three years of never having to once restrain yourself or use will power over eating. He asked me about my "first diet" and it was honestly so long ago (i was probably 15, and did not need to diet) that i don't really remember. But in those days i think it was about feeling i had something under my control in my life. Entirely different point of view.
We have not found it to be the "no hunger" thing that is highly touted. However, we only had one day that was really difficult; it got easier after that. And, in 12 days (10 on the low calorie diet) i have lost 10 pounds. I am happy, tho to be honest i'm not really seeing it yet. But then, i have a minimum of 30 to lose, and would like to lose 45-50 total. (It won't all be done this cycle. I'll probably end up doing 2 cycles to lose, maybe 3.)
One thing this diet is suppose to do is to re-set your metabolism, endocrine hormones, and the like. I'm still having some sugar cravings, and some days are harder than others. Also, i think part of the reason Duane and i were having some hunger issues (as opposed to other friends who have done this and began from a really good food place) is we probably were "detoxing" the chemicals from ordinary diet. I like to think i was eating better than most Americans, but i had been eating things i definitely know i should not have been.
I don't know that i feel i have much more energy, but i think i am better. I don't know if this is re-setting all the things i mentioned above, but i am sleeping better and feeling more rested than i have in years. :)
"Our kids" are out of school for 6 weeks (they do "year round" school here). We are planning to take Sierra down the hill with us this week. I'll take some hours off work and do some things with her. My ILs have a pool for her to enjoy, too. We plan to take each of the boys in turn, too.
The squirrels seem to have died off. That won't bother some folks up here who hate squirrels (they can do a lot of damage).
We heard last year that west of here, in Crestline and Arrowhead, the squirrels were dying. I guess whatever the disease is, it made its way here. We still had some in the spring, but it has been several weeks since i've seen a squirrel around here. I miss them.
I've been doing a little gardening. Of what i have, the onions seem to be doing the best. But i'm having little triumphs here and there.
So, that is a brief view of what has been going on here. How are things in your neck of the woods?
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:)
My "followers" are not showing up at the top of the page. Did everyone leave?
I've been sick. I thought i was improving and then got much, much worse on Wednesday. I think i'm on the upswing now.
I saw the new doc for a follow up today. It was like seeing an entirely different person. I don't know, but i'm guessing that the first time i saw her she wasn't talking to me so much as she was trying to impress the medical student who was sitting in. I'm rather discouraged.
She had originally told me that to do the hCG diet i would start with a nutritionist and be measured and plan the diet, etc. And then have follow ups with both the doc and the nutritionist. I was looking forward to this because as someone who eats mostly vegetarian, i was hoping for help making the diet decisions.
Today she said, "You can do it yourself. Order the homeopathic hCG drops (before she had told me that only prescription were worth bothering to use) and get this book and do it."
I said, "Well, i was hoping for more support than that so i wouldn't be entirely on my own."
Her response, "Support? What support? I leave the office at 5 pm. I won't be answering calls on the weekends. What kind of support do you think you would have? You ARE on your own."
Well, if she had told me that when i saw her on 9 April or whatever the date was, i would not have wasted a month and more. I could have begun long ago!
Sigh. She is right, in more ways than she can comprehend, i am on my own. I will try her supplements, and i'll re-run blood work in August as she wants and see her for follow-up in September. I might even do some IV vitamins (tho that is questionable; i'm not sure her staff could run an IV line for me). But i will not expect support, or even basic knowledge from her. If i get an infection i will treat it myself, as i have been doing. If i have questions, i'll research them myself, as i have been doing. I'm not sure (after her answer on this and some other serious matters) that i would trust her answers or recommendations anyway.
The big question: Why even continue? Well, it is like this: I have been skipping around to doctors for the past 3+ years. NONE of them seem to know what they are doing and they keep making recommendations i can't live with. So i HAVE been "doing it on my own." The down side of that is i am on disability. I need my limitations and problems documented by a "medical health professional." I've been with John all along, and he has been documenting this all along, and next review i will be relying on his reports/documentation. However, he is a PhD not a MD, and so i'm not sure how much weight his report can carry. I need a MD. I'm going to try and stick with this MD, but i must admit that after my first visit with her, this second one was a slap in the face.
Today is the 5th anniversary of Kaylee's due date. If we had carried to term, we would have a child who would be celebrating her 5th birthday sometime toward the end of May or early June.
In recent months, it has seemed like i have "imaginary children." I did have imaginary children when i was a teen, and this feels rather similar. The difference of course was when i was a teen i had hope of eventually having flesh and blood children. I'm past that hope. A friend called last week to let me know of an adoptable child, but all that does is shred my heart anew as i know we cannot, cannot, cannot take a child with my functioning at its current state. I feel absolutely crushed and broken knowing there is a child who needs a home, that someone hopes i could take him, and i cannot. I do not have the functioning to do basic work in our home; without nearly full-time help taking a child is an impossibility. We cannot afford that kind of help.
I read a book recently called Heaven is For Real. I can't begin to tell you about this book. It was good. And i cried for the loss of our child.
I think, had we carried her to term, we would not have named her Kaylee. These days i lean toward Mary. I don't know what would have been. Sometimes i wonder what i was even thinking about using Kaylee.
I knew, of course, that it was because of a character on the TV show Firefly (later they made a movie with the same characters, Serenity). But i had not watched the show in a long time and had rather forgotten my feelings (except remembering i liked the show).
Recently we were watching some of those old shows again, and i knew right away why i wanted our daughter to be Kaylee. On the show, Kaylee was the sweetest young lady i've ever seen. (Think a modern version of Melanie Wilkes.) She wasn't naive, but she was innocent in her way of dealing with people and always saw the good in folks and life was a constant joyous wonder to her and she was simply sweet. That is what i wanted for our daughter and that is why i loved the name Kaylee, even if i forgot that later.
So, it is Today. Tomorrow will be tomorrow. And i take one day at a time. Today is a rather discouraging day, but tomorrow is another day.
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I ate really poorly when we were in OC this week. Stuff i'd normally never touch.
You see, it is like this:
For several years now i've been eating largely vegetarian (pescatarian literally as i still eat some fish) and gluten free. Recently i've been leaning toward low carb/no grains, and very limited fruit (tho really struggling to live with that). Then the doc did a bunch of expensive (out of pocket, not covered by insurance) tests that told me i also should not eat eggs, tomatoes, navy or pinto beans, lettuce, milk, mushrooms, and a few other things. I look at that list and say, "As a vegetarian, what is left?"
Of course, there are lots of other things left, but they are not things that i would choose to eat, frankly. I will admit that i really don't like food all that much. It is, for me, the means to an end: Not to be hungry. I will admit i like sweets, but over all, if i'm not hungry, i'm not thinking about food. I tend to be someone who prefers something fast and quick that will alleviate my hunger, rather than thinking of something "good."
Simply, I DO NOT LIKE EATING. Which, i think, is what got me into some of the mess i'm in now. As a former anorexic (tho never an extreme one), i really messed up my body and my metabolism.
So, i spent 5 weeks trying to follow the diet that the doc recommended. However, after five weeks (of averaging probably 800-1,000 calories every day), i was hungry all the time, and had not lost one pound of weight. It is true that my goal is not primarily to lose weight but to be healthy over all. However, i hate my weight, would like to lose, and if i saw the scale moving downward, it would have given me some motivation to stay on this (very stupid) diet, even if i'm always hungry.
I also discovered that even tho i still eat fish, i don't really like it. I eat it a couple of times a week because i feel i need the protein it provides. I eat mostly salmon and on occasion tuna. But since my diet is so limited, i thought i should try other fish as well. It was in eating it more i find i really don't like it.
After 5 weeks i was very, very discouraged. And it made me wonder, just exactly what was the blood test checking? Almost certainly the milk/dairy they checked was conventional, pasteurized, Holstein (possibly hormone/antibiotic-laden) not raw, Jersey, organic. The eggs probably came from a mass-produced factory farm where the hens are fed nasty feed and a lot of antibiotics. Et cetera, et cetera. So what exactly was i reacting to when those tests were done? The food itself or the contaminants it contained?
More, now that i'm on a more restricted diet, everything seems to cause gastric distress, gas, and bloating for me. I make a meal of "allowed foods" such as roast carrots, beets, parsnips, and potatoes, and not only am i still hungry, i'm really suffering for the rest of the night. The same with squash. About the only thing i've been able to manage without a lot of distress is frozen, organic peas or corn. However, i know both of those are very starchy veggies & generally not recommended.
The whole situation is enough to make me want to cry just writing about it.
Some wise friends suggested i talk to the doc about probiotics, enzymes, and possibly some gastric acids to help me digest what i was eating. But my appointment isn't with him for a couple of more weeks (my fault i rescheduled for later). So in the mean time, i had the doc i work with check me. He does testing differently. He does a functional test called kinesology. His test did not show that i'm responding poorly to eggs, etc. He DID say that he feels my thyroid (primarily) and my adrenals are off and messing with my digestion, and that i need to do a candida-clearing diet. Which means no beans (green or dried), no peas, no carrots, yams, potatoes or squash, no sugars, - including the Manuka honey i'm taking to clear the other infection.
I look at the list of what is left, and simply want to throw my hands up and give up entirely.
Which is exactly what i did this week for Tue, Wed, and Thur. I ate fast food. Yep. The absolute worst i could do. I didn't care. I did not over eat, either, but i gained 4 pounds in those 3 days. You know what? The fast food did not cause gastric distress. It did cause my pain level to rise, and that was irritating, but i did not have the bloating, gas, and intestinal pain i've had with organic veggies and roots. I am NOT saying it was good for me.
I'm back on track of the restricted diet now, and back to being hungry all the time. I have no idea what the right choice is. I do think i have messed up my body's ablility to absorb nutrients. Yesterday i went to town to a salad bar i like. It is not organic, but largely i can choose food i'm allowed. I followed all the dietary restrictions the first doc gave me (no lettuce, tomatoes, eggs, vinegar, vinegar-containing items, etc.). When i left i could feel that my stomach was full, but frankly i still felt hungry. Something is simply not right.
This morning i'm nauseous as well. And i don't have much motivation to eat as i know that i will likely still feel hungry and have gastric distress. I'm tempted, right now, to do a few days of fasting and simply use supplements to try to get the nutrients i need, as eating doesn't seem
I'm pretty discouraged.
Not much for my 400th post. Sigh.
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This has been a week! I wish i had stayed home.
This is more "stupid story" than sad.
I went to a women's salad dinner Tuesday night at the church where Duane & i were married. I'll probably write about that at my "religious" blog, for i've much to say. Anyway, "salad" usually by definition usually includes lettuce, which i'm now not eating. (Folks ask me "all types of lettuce?" to which i don't have an answer because the test simply said "lettuce," so i don't know if they checked iceberg, or Romaine, or what, so i'm avoiding all.) So i went to my favorite health food store & went thru their salad bar & got spinach, shaved carrots & beets, olives, & some flaked salmon. I then also purchased some sunflower seeds & dumped them over the salad.
During the course of the meeting i must have done something stupid like speaking with some food in my mouth (there's a reason mamas told us not to do this) & aspirated a sunflower seed. I spent much of the rest of the evening in coughing bouts (leaving the room to do so) & was in a lot of discomfort. I was still in pain yesterday morning, so i went to the ER. I didn't have to wait long to be seen, but had to wait a long time before a pulmonologist came & used a scope to check (trying to find the seed i believed to still be there). They didn't find anything, said i must have coughed it up, but my lungs are now highly inflamed from all the coughing. I'll be staying home next week, but it will largely be recovery. Any talking or much physical exertion & i'm coughing up a storm again.
I hate it when i do stupid things. Am i the only one (who does things they wish they'd not)?
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(Can i use that as a form of "this 'n that"?)
Do you remember this pic? I posted it a while ago. It is from a Christmas party at our old church in early December, 2007. This little miss was about 2 weeks old and barely 6 pounds. (The baby dust i was hoping for didn't rub off on us.)
Today at "the other" Lutheran church, we ran into these folks. This young lady is almost 3 now, and a curly-haired doll. And very active. She has a sister who is about 3 months old. The parents are children of one of our neighbors. The parents (our neighbors) used to go to our old church. They went thru some family issues and didn't attend for a long time. They were very hurt because the church never reached out to them at all.
We had someone we know indicate at least some interest as acting as a surrogate for us. I almost wish she had not. There are so many ups and downs revolving around the issue. If i were not disabled. If, if, if. We have already decided that should someone tell us they were interested in placing their baby (already conceived, planned to put up for adoption) with us, or knew someone who did, we would pursue it. Otherwise, we won't. Of course, either is a lot of money. We feel that having someone approach us would be the leading of God. Choosing a surrogate seems to be just pushing our own desire apart from God. When Abraham did the same thing, the result was centuries of racial tensions. Not that we feel that we are in the same class as Abraham. But we do feel that bad things (financial, emotional, physical/medical for me, etc.) could happen.
I had rather a sleepless night over this, thinking, "Is this an opportunity or just a temptation?" We haven't made a definitive decision yet (and don't know if the offer was even serious), but at this point we are leaning away from it. I WANT TO BE A MAMA! With all my heart i do. But i also know that sometimes desire/love is not enough. It often is not enough for a teen mama who thinks her love will make it all perfect and right. It would not be enough for us. Financially it would be a stretch, but we would probably also have to hire daily household help in order to manage, which we honestly can't afford.
I need to be honest about the disability. I am very, very limited. I did quite a lot yesterday & today, & had to take a nap. When i woke it felt as if every ounce of energy or life force had been drained from me. Almost all the child care would fall to Duane, and already almost all of our income falls to him, too.
Much as it breaks my heart, i think i do need to accept this - which i'm finding almost impossible. I need to accept that i can be minimally involved in some children's lives and perhaps make an impact there. If i really pushed thru to have children, the impact i would most likely have would be negative. What mother wants that?
I know of 2 bloggers online who adopted babies and then, when the baby was born and placed with them, they were 3 months pregnant. I know that mostly this is an urban legend and doesn't happen to 95% or more of the couples. But i can't help but say, it does feel so unfair. There are so few babies to be adopted, and these folks had their own children 6 months after the baby was placed with them. Ah, yeah, life. My friend's granddaughter was born yesterday. I'm happy for them. But wistful for us.
If you are interested (tho i can't imagine you would be), i've posted the foods to which i'm reactive & the things i can eat, & the suggested diet plan (rotation) over at My Blog of Lists. I did another list that i printed out that removed the foods i know i won't eat (meat/poultry, canola oil, soybean, gluten items). At this point, even tho their suggested diet looks adequate, i kind of think that i'm just going to be hungry most of the time. Sigh. If i get hungry enough, maybe i'll learn to cook in a manner that will feed me. But i've a strong suspicion that what is going to happen is this: Day One - avocados. Day Two - whole grain rice. Day Three - sweet potatoes. Day Four - kidney and green beans. Sigh.
Of course, i'm making these plans having just seen the list but not having yet talked to the doctor. I got a notice in the mail. It states that i'm also "high" on cadmium & arsenic. We've been racking our brains trying to imagine how i've been exposed to those (short of Duane trying to poison me). Likely our decks are pressure-treated wood, but i'm hardly ever out there & rarely touch the wood. The other options are the non-organic salad bar, or the supplements i'm taking. It will be interesting to hear the doc's ideas.
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We took the subaru into town today & bought a few groceries. We cleared our driveway down to the asphalt, so we had quite a bump to get it on the road. The weather has been pretty warm the last couple of days - in the 40s today, but the roads are a mess. Packed snow in some places, slush & pits of water in others.
Frankly, i'd rather not go down to OC tomorrow, especially as another storm is coming. But Duane will probably feel that he must.
For a while they were only allowing residents up the hill, largely because they didn't think they would have food or gas enough if we had off the hill folks up here. The sheriff's dept was fine with that, also. Essentially all the calls they have been out on have been non-residents. One of the roads they have had shut down to down-hill traffic, & they've allowed only residents up. Also convoys of supply trucks with Highway Patrol escort. But once those trucks arrive they are stuck because they are not allowing them to leave yet.
Life is interesting!
I'm glad i'm doing the calorie tracker thing. I finished with dinner tonight (smashed potatoes, Duane loves them!) & put dinner into the tracker & found that my total for the day was under 600 calories. Ha! I was surprised.
Now, honestly, i probably would have been hungry later & snacked on some junk. Truth is, even tho i'm trying to track how i'm eating without a lot of change, i'm not eating as much junk. I never ate a lot, but now i don't want to have to track those calories. So by discovering i was way too low for the day's calories, i made healthier food choices of milk & eggs & cottage cheese to bring the total up to 1500.
I've a feeling that a lot of my days were rather like that - i'd have too few calories without realizing it - & finish the day with empty stuff like a handful of M&Ms & a few potato chips. I doubt if the total for the day ever went very high - i'm not a binge eater, but those calories certainly don't do anything but add bad sugar & fat (& other things) without bringing me anything good.
Well, i guess we will see what tomorrow brings. :)
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. . . meaning a bit of this & that.
I woke to beautiful blue skies today. And lots of snow. Haven't taken any new pics. When i do i'll post them. But in the meantime, you can go to my friend David's Picasa Web Album & see his pics of the weather. (His blog is Sugarloaf Mountain.) He also has a couple of really good ones of birds in the trees. (I don't seem to do a very good job with the birds.) Oh, & if you like birds in the trees, check out my Aunt Wanda's Picasa Web Album. Cardinals. She's retired & being professional at photography.
We've lost 2 trees for sure now. One in front of the house is broken in half but didn't hit anything coming down. The one that fell on the neighbors was a split trunk & Duane thinks that we'll have to take the other half down. We've had some big branches come down also. Have to check the rest of the property (it is so huge, LOL) & see what has happened.
Last night about 8.45 we heard a plow come down the street. Only it wasn't a regular plow. It was an earth-mover/Caterpillar (called a wheel loader). And we needed it. This stuff is so heavy. Part of the reason for this, tho, is because there is so much snow that they are contracting snow removal to anyone who has the equipment to do it. Our weather service said we got another 44 inches yesterday. The wheel loader made a 10 foot pile of snow on the corner across from our house. Duane went out to cheer the plow on & discovered that our driveway - that he had totally cleared the night before - was up to his thighs again. ! ! ! More work for us today. He said he thought some of that was drift.
We are lucky our house is built so strong & has such a small area of top roof with strong beams supporting it. Have i mentioned (like 30 times, i think) this snow is really heavy? Duane is a bit worried about the snow load on the decks, tho. I'm going to try to clear some of the one outside our bedroom today.
There is only one road in & out of the valley open - the "back, back way" down 18 into Lucerne Valley (& it was closed for a while yesterday). The road we use - 38 into Redlands - is closed for an indefinite time due to "20 foot drifts" according to the local news. The front way is also closed & folks have been evacuated from their cars stuck on that road. We are really fortunate we came home when we did. Had we not gotten home then, i've no idea when we'd be able to get back.
This much snow is rather counter productive. Our ski slopes are wonderful now to ski on - & no one from down the hill can get up to use them!
Will post pics later. It should be really beautiful now that the sun is shining. More snow predicted for next week. But our high should be just above freezing today. The low last night was 16F.
I've been meaning to post on this article for a while now. Think i read it about a week back. The title is: He said he was leaving; she ignored him. I actually am quite impressed. I don't think i'd have the backbone to respond as she did. There was a lot of criticism of her in the comments saying that she "didn't support him" or that a loved one is suppose to "help" the one she loves. I think, personally that is JUST what she did, but what she did is entirely different from what we normally consider "help."
For another funky piece, i've found a new blog (Aging Gratefully) that i'm enjoying. I was looking at some of her back posts & came across this one: Weddings. Blew me away. I know there are a lot of different things being done these days, but this stretches my imagination a bit. (Couldn't have been done in our church!) I'm surprised she didn't rip off the wedding dress & have a sexy mini underneath, too. Totally agree with the last line written, however.
The acupuncture doc i see, Kathie, lost a lot of weight last spring & summer. She is tall & wasn't terribly overweight, but she is a positive toothpick now. I asked her what she'd done to lose that weight, & she told me "Spark People." Huh??? She wrote it down & i looked it up. I "signed up" for it back in December, but didn't start to do anything for a while. I'm not even sure what or how Kathie used it to lose her weight.
But i decided this week to use it at least to track my meals. It is often recommended that you don't make changes right away, but simply keep a food diary of EVERYTHING you eat to see where your calories are actually coming from. So, for now, that is what i'm using Spark People for. I started on Tuesday.
There are good things & bad things about this program. One of the bad things is that they follow the Standard American Diet as prescribed by the "Food Pyramid." Believe me, this is SAD indeed. Do a Google search on this & you'll find that the food pyramid is entirely political. It is by following these guidelines that America has become the sick, overweight group of people we are today. However, i can largely ignore this. But their recommendations (they think i eat too few carbs) come from this SAD pyramid.
I can set my own goals - how many total calories i want to hit as my goal each day, how many grams each of fat, carbs, & protein. (I've been low on the protein the last couple of days, too.) This calculator doesn't like the percentage of carbs & fat that i have set. But it still calculates for me.
Now, over all, the idea that a "calorie is a calorie" is false. Three hundred calories of potato chips does not equal 300 calories in a baked potato. First off in satiation. But also in nutrients. And the fat in potato chips is bad fat all around.
The fact is, i don't eat a lot. But i don't lose weight, either. I decided at first just to track my eating habits without trying to limit myself, just to see where the calories are going. I will say, this is hard to do on Spark People, because you have to "set" your goals in low calories & high calories every day (minimum & maximum you want to eat each day). I set them too low to start off with, so each day i'm "failing." Don't think this is a good way to think. (Well, now that i've said that, i went & changed it so it won't show a fail most days.)
I honestly don't eat a lot. If i were just keeping a food diary, it would reflect that. But i find "Spark People" helpful because it tracks the calories i'm consuming. (I think if i just did a food diary & an estimate of calories, i'd say, "I sure don't eat much!" but to see each food listed in calories & % of the total for the day helps me be more aware of what i'm eating & where i'm wasting calories.) To see that the Starbucks Vanilla Frappichino drink that i consume for a headache (& sometimes recently i've decided to use it as "preventive" - my way of justifying having it even if i don't need it) has 200 calories & very few nutrients, well, let's just say i'll be motivated to not go wild with this.
I don't know if this will help me to actually lose weight. My adrenal & thyroid glands are not functioning very well. I've other metabolic issues too. These contribute to the Chronic Fatigue which i fight & health issues that make it difficult to lose weight. Kathie is healthy, was healthy when she began this program. I can't think, expect, or even hope it will work for me as it does for her. But i DO find it helpful to see what i'm eating, where i'm picking up calories, & what the totals come out to be. Calories from fresh fruits & veggies are much more beneficial than calories from anything processed.
I honestly would love to lose weight. But then i'd love to be healthy, too. For now i'm going to use the tool to track what i'm eating & leave the rest - not focus on weight - for now. I have to ignore their nutrition advice. They recommended cutting calories by drinking DIET soda today! Bad, bad, bad advice. If you choose to do that, i'm not going to yell at you, but diet soda is very, very, very bad for you. Regular soda is very bad for you too. But i tend to like it. You know what? I've not had a soda since starting this tracking. I don't want those calories (& other horrible stuff like sodium benzote) in my diet. I'm not saying i'll never have another one, but this sure helps me think about it before downing the stuffl.
I need to go do something for today!
P.S. - thanks for all the comments & feedback on the last post. I do love getting comments! I need to be better at responding to them.
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I woke to clouds & a wet deck. It rained last night!
For days if not weeks our low has been in the teens & twenties, but last night the low was 35F. That is about what they predicted the high to be today. It has been cloudy, then sunny, then cloudy all AM. I don't think it knows what it wants to do. Storms predicted for early next week.
Duane should be home a little bit later.
I bit the bullet.Some time ago my mother told me of this program that several of my aunts (i have seven still living) are doing that has helped them feel better, have more energy, take less medication, & lose weight. It intrigued me, & i asked one of my aunts about it. She is a retired RN & was so enthused she bought the material for everyone in her (immediate) family.
The program (Great Taste, No Pain) focuses a lot on folks with gastrointestinal issues & my aunties that used to have to take meds with every meal are no longer taking them. (My mother isn't particularly interested. She states she "only" takes a med with breakfast. When i'd told her some time ago that she might have a lot less pain if she went gluten-free, her response was that it was too much trouble & the pain meds helped a lot & that she "really didn't have that much pain, anyway." Yeah, right.)
The aunt who told me about this program said that she didn't herself have gastrointestinal issues, but a side effect of this program is weight loss & that she has more energy. Well, that sounds good to me! I put it on hold for a while, tho. The program (which is an on line download) is about $40. So i dithered around a lot.
BUT it was working for my aunties. Not some anonymous person quoted as saying "Yeah this is great! This works!" It is working for people i actually know. So, i've been meaning to do it for a while. (Have i mentioned i have procrastination down to an exact science?)
Monday i spent about an hour watching (well, mostly listening) to a you tube program put out by Dr. Mercola of another doc (don't remember the name right off) called "The Bitter Truth About Sugar." It is in 9 segments & very well done. In a nutshell, the use of High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) & sugar in our country is what is driving the obesity & chronic disease issues. (There are other problems, too, but these are the biggies.) Now, over all this is not news to me. But the way he presents it is new & he explains exactly why HFCS gets transformed into fat - triglycerides mostly. He also said that the way that sugar molecules are metabolized is very much like how alcohol is metabolized without the buzz. Alcohol & sugars are both toxins. So you can have a small amount without creating problems, but we don't use small amounts of sugar in this country. Anyway, i highly recommend watching the program.
I like sugar. I also find it rather addictive & have a difficult time with it. If i have any at all then i seem to crave it, i mean, REALLY crave it.
So i decided to get all that sweet stuff out of the house. I'm not throwing it away. I imagine that after a while - a few months - i may occasionally make cookies or brownies to have as a RARE treat or when company comes. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the sweeteners & other things i have only filled a small to medium-sized basket. Except i didn't put the honey in. I've not decided on that. Anyway, i'm going to put the basket in a difficult to reach corner of the garage.
And having decided that (& one other thing), i decided that it was time to bite the bullet & buy the program my aunts recommended.
So last night i did. In essence, it is food combining. Eat fruit alone, it digests best that way. Certain foods don't digest well with others, & so need to not be eaten together (sandwiches or meat & potatoes are foods that shouldn't be eaten together, she says).
This concept is not new to me, but she does a very thorough job. Much of what she says i agree with, particularly that most of the foods we eat in our culture make our bodies too acidic & that leads to disease.
However, she spouts out some things with which i disagree. When i read where she said, "Spelt bread doesn't contain gluten" i almost tossed the whole thing out. "It is working for my aunties, it is working for my aunties" i chanted. (Well, not really, but i was thinking it.) She falls into myth that lard/tallow are bad for you & that canola or safflower oils are good for you. She also falls into the cholesterol myth that eating meats/animal products contribute to higher cholesterol & then heart disease.
Also, she said you don't have to restrict foods or food choices, only restrict how they are combined. "You can eat your favorite foods!" This is true as long as your favorite foods are not convenience foods or fast foods. Nothing - or little - processed. Also, beverages are rather limited.
She does repeat herself a lot in the cross literature (there are a total of 6 downloads) mostly her story, which is interesting, but i don't need to read it 4 times. I do like that she outlines the first 4 days with options for breakfast, lunch, & dinner plus snacks. It will take a change in mindset, but i don't think it will be that hard. What will be harder is to know how to cook for Duane.
Part of the reason that Duane eats so much convenience food is that 1. i'm often too tired to cook & 2. he usually doesn't like what i fix. When you combine the two, it makes it difficult to have any enthusiasm about making meals. He simply won't eat veggies. (I'm not trying to make him vegetarian, but it would be nice if he would be more willing to eat some of these things part of the time.) I've essentially only 2 meals he likes Vegetarian Mexican Lasagna & Tuna Casserole (plus he likes the meatloaf i make for him). I won't be able to make either of those items with this program; no, i might be able to get away with the Mexican Lasagna.
So, this is what i'll be doing. I've no idea how we're going to feed Duane while i'm doing it. My big wish, i guess, is that he'd be willing to give it a try for a couple of weeks & see if it makes a difference. (This program is not vegetarian per se. She doesn't limit eating meat. She says that her family eats "mostly vegetarian" with just a little fish or chicken. But the program can be used either way with equal ease.)
The other thing (mentioned above) i'd decided to do is this: Borax in water.
WHAT???
I read about this some months ago. It just sounded so unappetizing. Yuck! But i keep running across the link in my searches to be healthier & it has a lot of adherents to it. It is recommended for treating chronic fluoride poisoning. It is only a tiny amount - they recommend between 1/32 to 1/4 tsp in 1 liter (just over 4 cups) of water & then sip it thru the day. You can also add 1/8 to 1/4 tsp of sea salt.
NOT boric acid, by the way, which is slightly acidic, but borax (yeah, that stuff i buy in the laundry aisle). Borax in water is slightly alkaline, i'm told. I'm going to try it for a few days, but i'm also going to try rotating things as well as the food combining. Twice a week i'll do baking soda in water or lemon juice in water (which are both alkaline, also). I'm going to rotate the supplements i take (or more often don't take). Cal/mag/zinc at bedtime to help sleep.
Can you tell i'm starting to feel desperate in trying to have more energy & feel better?
Oh, but i've been dreaming all week! That's exciting because it means i'm sleeping better. I don't remember the dreams much, but they do seem to have a theme in common: frustration. The one i remember was i was trying to plan a party & complete a massage at the same time & things kept getting in the way of it being completed & i was really stressing out. The others have been similar in frustration/stress level.
Anyway, that's the plan. If it works well for me, believe me i'll be singing about it. :) Also, if it doesn't seem to work at some time i'll also share. My weight numbers are the same as last spring when i wanted to lose weight. (A friend said that trying to lose weight with chronic fatigue can be dangerous, so i gave it up then.) But this is - honestly - the things i already eat, i'm just limited them (like no cheese in my salad that has avocado, simple basic things). I think this will be safe, i'll just be eating slightly different food combos. AND not eating sweets. Or soda (which is my downfall). Nothing gained, nothing lost. It makes sense to at least try.
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Back at Sugarbear. I had acupuncture, but i am so, so, so tired. We drove in & saw a squirrel jump out of the peach tree with one of our peaches in his mouth. I laughed. I hope they don't steal them all, but i think we have them to share. I picked one from the tree & Duane & i shared it. It is ripe. It is good. Not necessarily the best i've ever had (as Dawn said theirs are) but good. And it grew right here on our property!
Duane has to be down the hill this weekend for a karate tournament. He is stressed. He no longer competes, but he is in charge of all the computer/electronic devices which inform folks of where they are suppose to be. And i'm thankful i don't have to be there. For two years i sang the National Anthem to start the thing off. So thankful i don't need to do that!
One of the blogs i follow, The Road Less Traveled, is about living childless/childfree after trying to have a family. She links to this article on Life After Infertility Treatments Fail. I haven't read the comments yet. There isn't much for me to say on this, & yet there is a ton.
This was a week of many children & babies in our office. And me seeing a lot of children or pregnant mamas around wherever. This is going to happen. Unless we remove ourselves to some remote retirement community (& we are not yet that age!), we will be seeing families. And of course, even folks in retirement communities have grandkids. Sometimes the grandkids are harder for me than the children.
And the chiro with whom i work has his daughter, M, in on Tuesdays for about 45 minutes. He has her for the AM & then mama picks her up after her school day. M is now 7 months. She is beginning to move quite a lot, & is a happy, bouncy baby. She was not so when she was younger. Some of them just are not happy until they can begin to explore. It hit me this week that i'm going to see her grow up. 10 months, then a year, then older & older. I'll probably be "Aunt Kathryn" & part of that will be a joy for me. But there will be a lot of pain, too.
Frankly, i'm just not handling this all that well. I've good days where it is ok. And i've bad days where it is very difficult.
But something very hard happened a couple of days ago.
I've someone very dear to me in my life, or she was in my past. She was my "unofficial foster mom" now often called "Montana Mom" & i treasure the time she has given me. But as time has gone on we are less close. I rarely can reach her on the phone. We used to spend hours talking. (And, of course, now it is cheaper but we don't do it any more!) And the internet hasn't improved things. I get lots of emails from her - or i did - of the cutesy type & "Pass this on to 10 of your best friends." So i know that she does think of me, some, but it doesn't come thru in real, honest to goodness "how are you doing? this is what's happening in my life" email.
I don't get as many emails from her as before. She was sending on alarmist political cr@p that i was having trouble tolerating. She also didn't send these out blind, or remove names from the list. Eventually (after many, many, many of these) i couldn't stand it & i sent rebuttals (not by me but by an authority) to EVERYONE on that list. Some of them were pretty upset with me "Why did you 'intercept' our private email & were did you get my name?" I responded that that is what happens when you are not careful & you never know who might end up with your email address. Since then i've not been getting these type of things. I think she took me off of her list of forwards. Thank God.
But, Monday i got an email with pics of battered babies. Graphic pics of battered babies. It was "Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse." And this was my response:
Please, mommy -
don't send me something like this again. It is heartbreaking to know how much i want children & there are other idiots in the world so very blessed & they do this to their precious gifts.
Not one word has been said or acknowledged & i hurt.
I'm looking forward to some rest, 'cause i'm tired.
Thanks for all your comments & support. I do appreciate it so.
Oh, i meant to add - i was really tempted to cheat on gluten free & healthy today. I mean, tempted to the point i was planning on it. Then i got out the calendar & counted days. I have a lot of pain mid-month with my cycle. It is a weird pain pattern i've never heard of anyone else ever having. But my point, there has only been ONE month since i was 21 that i did not have mid-month pain. I've had it reduced by BC pills, or eating limited gluten, but only once have i been pain free. Now, two months. I'm past mid-month & have had not one bit of pain yet. And i've not had any gluten since early or mid August. Being pain free definitely makes it more worth it to continue my healthy, careful eating.
It also makes it easier for me not to count/think of days until "maybe pregnant." That is reducing since i'm trying to accept no baby, but having that mid-month stuff made it harder to ignore my cycle.
Lots to be thankful for. And, lest i not sound grateful, i am thankful & thank the Lord every day for my manifold blessings. Too many to list here, but i AM so very thankful for the blessings we have been given.
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I've been on the search for a doctor. Not that i'm really hoping they can do much for me, but i do need this documented. Saw someone here in BB. Duane went with me and at first we both were pleasantly surprised with his answers - until i spoke of CFIDS/ME and disability. Then he let us know - reading between the lines but clear none the less - that he thinks the majority of people on disability are malingering. Oh. Thanks. 
(So, i wasn't able to load the pic i wanted, but this is what i use. You can find it at hCG 1234 website.)
