Updates, It is Today

 :)

My "followers" are not showing up at the top of the page.  Did everyone leave?

I've been sick.  I thought i was improving and then got much, much worse on Wednesday.  I think i'm on the upswing now.

I saw the new doc for a follow up today.  It was like seeing an entirely different person.  I don't know, but i'm guessing that the first time i saw her she wasn't talking to me so much as she was trying to impress the medical student who was sitting in.  I'm rather discouraged.  


She had originally told me that to do the hCG diet i would start with a nutritionist and be measured and plan the diet, etc.  And then have follow ups with both the doc and the nutritionist.  I was looking forward to this because as someone who eats mostly vegetarian, i was hoping for help making the diet decisions.  


Today she said, "You can do it yourself.  Order the homeopathic hCG drops (before she had told me that only prescription were worth bothering to use) and get this book and do it."  


I said, "Well, i was hoping for more support than that so i wouldn't be entirely on my own."


Her response, "Support?  What support?  I leave the office at 5 pm.  I won't be answering calls on the weekends.  What kind of support do you think you would have?  You ARE on your own."

Well, if she had told me that when i saw her on 9 April or whatever the date was, i would not have wasted a month and more.  I could have begun long ago!


Sigh.  She is right, in more ways than she can comprehend, i am on my own.  I will try her supplements, and i'll re-run blood work in August as she wants and see her for follow-up in September.  I might even do some IV vitamins (tho that is questionable; i'm not sure her staff could run an IV line for me).  But i will not expect support, or even basic knowledge from her.  If i get an infection i will treat it myself, as i have been doing.  If i have questions, i'll research them myself, as i have been doing.  I'm not sure (after her answer on this and some other serious matters) that i would trust her answers or recommendations anyway.


The big question:  Why even continue?  Well, it is like this:  I have been skipping around to doctors for the past 3+ years.  NONE of them seem to know what they are doing and they keep making recommendations i can't live with.  So i HAVE been "doing it on my own."  The down side of that is i am on disability.  I need my limitations and problems documented by a "medical health professional."   I've been with John all along, and he has been documenting this all along, and next review i will be relying on his reports/documentation.  However, he is a PhD not a MD, and so i'm not sure how much weight his report can carry.  I need a MD.  I'm going to try and stick with this MD, but i must admit that after my first visit with her, this second one was a slap in the face.  






Today is the 5th anniversary of Kaylee's due date.  If we had carried to term, we would have a child who would be celebrating her 5th birthday sometime toward the end of May or early June.  


In recent months, it has seemed like i have "imaginary children."  I did have imaginary children when i was a teen, and this feels rather similar.  The difference of course was when i was a teen i had hope of eventually having flesh and blood children.  I'm past that hope.  A friend called last week to let me know of an adoptable child, but all that does is shred my heart anew as i know we cannot, cannot, cannot take a child with my functioning at its current state.  I feel absolutely crushed and broken knowing there is a child who needs a home, that someone hopes i could take him, and i cannot.  I do not have the functioning to do basic work in our home; without nearly full-time help taking a child is an impossibility.  We cannot afford that kind of help.


I read a book recently called Heaven is For Real.  I can't begin to tell you about this book.  It was good.  And i cried for the loss of our child.  


I think, had we carried her to term, we would not have named her Kaylee.  These days i lean toward Mary.  I don't know what would have been.  Sometimes i wonder what i was even thinking about using Kaylee.  


I knew, of course, that it was because of a character on the TV show Firefly (later they made a movie with the same characters, Serenity).  But i had not watched the show in a long time and had rather forgotten my feelings (except remembering i liked the show).  


Recently we were watching some of those old shows again, and i knew right away why i wanted our daughter to be Kaylee.  On the show, Kaylee was the sweetest young lady i've ever seen.  (Think a modern version of Melanie Wilkes.)  She wasn't naive, but she was innocent in her way of dealing with people and always saw the good in folks and life was a constant joyous wonder to her and she was simply sweet.  That is what i wanted for our daughter and that is why i loved the name Kaylee, even if i forgot that later.

So, it is Today.  Tomorrow will be tomorrow.  And i take one day at a time.  Today is a rather discouraging day, but tomorrow is another day.  


456

Silence

I've been quiet here for a while now.  It is not because i have nothing to say!  I always have things to say.  :)

The problem is that i'm really struggling to accept my life as it is, and i tend to be negative about it.  I'm also struggling with a lot of anger.  It seems i get angry so easily these days.  I hate these feelings!


I do tend to be a negative person - tho i prefer to consider myself an optimistic realist - but i fight the negativity.  I could not by a long shot call myself optimistic.  I do think that folks who are optimists are born that way.   The rest of us can strive to be positive and have a sunny outlook, but it does not come easily or naturally.  I work at having a positive view point, but it is a struggle.  I don't know why.


I prefer not to speak negatively.  Therefore, i have been silent.  


The problem i am struggling with is that it is hard to balance the negatives with the positives.  There is so much good in my life.  Anyone who reads here knows i have a husband who loves me very much and whom i love.  We have a good marriage and a good life.  We like our lifestyle and have a reasonably good relationship with most of our family.  We are not rich or affluent, but we have enough to meet our needs and that is more that most of the world can say.  We are happy.


Yet, it is never going to stop hurting that we are not going to have children.  People, well-meaning people who say, "God must have known you couldn't handle children" or any number of other well-meaning but painful statements, just can't understand.  I know, too well, my limitations.  I know that i don't have a clue how we would or could care for a child given my daily limitations, but that doesn't mean the desire for a family goes away!  Somehow the wonderful gifts we have don't change the pain of what we so deeply desire but will never have. 


We have had a busy 3 weeks.  It has been good, but as i didn't rest as much as i should have, i also have been struggling to function.  I am finding that i spend so much time in bed resting not because i am lazy, or i don't push myself enough, or because i want to, but because if i do not rest i cannot function in the life Duane and i have created.  If i continue doing so, i am going to reach a point where i can no longer live the life that we so love and cherish.  I have to accept this, but at times i really resist the chains i feel these limitations to be.  I guess i have wanted to believe that if i just pushed myself enough, or whatever, that i really could do what i wanted/needed to, but i am finding that not to be true.


It is also so hard because it is hard for other people to see, accept, understand.  I LOOK so normal!  Everyone feels tired at times.  Most folks just can't comprehend that each and every day for me is like getting over a really bad flu - the fever is gone, but the weakness, the fatigue persists.  Rest helps a little bit usually, but it never goes away.


It is never going to stop hurting me to see someone's pregnant belly or hear what a miracle it is to feel the baby kicking or to see their first smile, etc., etc.  I have to accept this.  It is never going to stop being hard that i live with the fatigue of a 90 year old woman.  I have to accept this and live with it.


I AM blessed each and every day that i am not bed-ridden all the time.  I can still drive, shop, do crafts, visit people, work 4-5 hours a week, and live a good life.  I don't forget these blessings or take them for granted.  


But i am really struggling with the reality of my life and trying to accept it. 





444

Post script at 7.20 pm:  Ok, here is a balancing perspective on life:  Gitz.  I am frequently envious of Sara's faith and optimism.   I am NOT and never will be envious of her limitations.  Yet, while my limitations are not as severe, i certainly understand her frustrations and feelings as finding that her limitations are growing and beginning to consume her life.  It is hard for me to compare our situations without feeling badly, because she is much more severely limited than am i.  But the realization that your body will no longer do as you ask it or try to push it to do is similar.  


Post script two:  I often have pages open for days and days because if i close them i forget, but if i bookmark them they often go down a black hole as i forget to look at those, too.  This is from Wikipedia about the book The World According to Garp.  For some reason i was thinking about that old movie the other day.  This sentance, "The story is decidedly rich with (in the words of the fictional Garp's teacher) "lunacy and sorrow", and the sometimes ridiculous chains of events the characters experience still resonate with painful truth." caught my attention and resonated with me.  It does seem so often that the world is full of "lunacy and sorrow."

On the 9th Day of Christmas . . .

Happy New Year on this 2nd day of January!  :)

I did take pics of our tree and our new ornaments for this year.  But i've not loaded them from our camera yet.  I tried, but i think the camera battery needs recharging.  

Duane's cold never got much worse and he seems to be back to normal now.  He has some residual cough, but not bad.  We brought N's daughter, Sierra, over on Thursday.  She hadn't been able to come on Christmas day with the rest of them, so we still had her presents here (i'd wanted to send them home for her but her mama wanted us to keep them).  She played some games on Playstation, and she and i had a "tea party."  I'd even bought some small scones (the leftovers i sent home with her) and made her a small tea sandwich.  I bought gluten free waffles for me (which i rarely do these days) and toasted a couple and ate with lemon curd.  

Lemon curd is divine!  I've never cared much for lemon meringue pie, mostly because i don't much like pie meringue.  But lemon curd is just like the pie filling without the crust or meringue.  It is so good!  

Anyway, we then took Sierra home and picked up Kip.  He stayed with us overnight.  The plan was for him to help me in the house some (long story, but he "owed" me some money from a school project gone bad and this was his proposal to pay it off).  Our house is too fascinating to waste time that way, tho!  He did help Duane carry in and stack some wood.  He would have liked to stay another night, and that wouldn't have been hard, but we felt that some limits are important.  He's a really nice kid.  

We haven't taken the youngest, Joshua, out much.  He isn't 4 yet.  The problem hasn't been behavior or anything.  Rather, he still requires a car seat and that has been an issue requiring a lot of planning.  He is big enough, however, that we could put him in a booster seat (made for this, of course).  They aren't so expensive.  We can get one for as little as $20, so we might do that.  Then we won't have to struggle with his big car seat and having to time it with his mama (she's been working a lot and she has the car, so she has the car seat, too).  

If you think i've been re-using pics a lot, it is true.  I've learned that Picsaweb has a limited number of pics you can use before you have to pay for the space.  So i've been trying to not load as many pics as i used to.  Eventually i'll probably use Picsaweb only for the blog, and load the other pics somewhere else like Photobucket or Flickr.  

I've been working on my ideas for the 12 days of Christmas.  I've been looking at a lot of "home made" blog or web ideas.  Here are the things i've thought of so far:  seeds (planter kit?), a calendar of pics of the kids, bookmarks, candy, an ornament, window ornament? - stained glass, dream catcher?, finger puppets for smaller ones, lip balm, homemade lollies?, home made necklaces/bracelets?, hot chocolate mixes, painted tee shirts?, dollar tree toys wrapped like crackers or in crepe, tote bags, apron, fridge magnets

Of course, anything that is baked goods or candy will have to be made much later in the year.  Homemade lollies would be good, and they'd keep for a while, but i don't think i could make them earlier than October or November.  


I've decided that as there are 12 days of Christmas and 12 months of the year, i'll do one project a month.  I'm also going to sent out a letter saying that we are doing Christmas differently this year, and asking for information like their favorite color, their favorite animal, etc.  I don't know any of the kids on our list very well.  

Have you heard the tale of "the old woman shaking her feather bed" for snow?  It isn't very often that i think of that when it is snowing here.  Usually it snows with a right good will.  However, for a little while today we had big, fluffy flakes coming down in such a lazy way that it was reminiscent of feathers.  Made me think of the story.  :)


I had a lot more to say (i always do!) but got interrupted with my "flow."  Think i'll stop here.

Hope each and every one has had a wonderful holiday season and may God richly bless your coming year.



431

Thoughts on a Saturday Morning

 Duane and i frequently come up blank on "what to do" on a weekend.  I do get frustrated that when i ask what he'd like to do, the answer often is "Idonno."  Sigh.  Of course, he is pretty limited because i'm pretty limited.  If he suggested hiking to the top of Sugarloaf, well, it would just be cruel.  

Our frequent default is to see a movie.  We do rent movies inexpensively, but often we want to "get out."  Frankly, the cost for the two of us to see a movie here in Big Bear is less than one of us seeing a movie in Orange County.  The cost isn't very high here to begin with, but if we see a matinee it is less, and they have great coupons too.  So going to a movie for the two of us is pretty reasonable.  

Still, i wish we could come up with more things to do.  Of course i have plenty of work that we need to do.  A large part of our woodpile is still too big to fit in our stove.  I need to pick up twigs and all for fire starter.  We could actually do some of the things that we have discussed doing like building a shed or a greenhouse.  But the building takes money.  I also have laundry to do.  I could do cooking/baking.  We often don't do these things, however.  Our lifestyle is that we can be rather lazy.  We don't often have work we have to do (it is amazing how that the many things we procrastinate just don't ever have to be done).  My energy limitations hold us back some, too. 

Of course, we are somewhat limited financially right now.  Our budget is very, very tight at the moment.  With the idea that we've company coming for Thanksgiving (we won't have the big meal here, but there will still be folks to feed other meals and we will be bringing stuff to the big dinner) most of the money we will have will be going toward food.  

I've lots to do that doesn't cost a lot of money (well, no more money; i have the supplies).  I've been making things to give as Christmas gifts, and i've always lots of projects - knitting and other crafts - to do.  But that isn't something Duane joins me in doing.  Although, maybe he would enjoy doing some of them, i'll have to ask.

No big deal.  We just are going thru another of our lazy Saturdays.
______________________________

I follow a blog by Jess called The Macs.  It is one of the first blogs i ever followed.  She lost a daughter age 10-1/2 months to chemo about 20 months ago.  Her son is about 10 months old.  This week she has been talking about friendship.  She especially has been focused on it since reading Lisa Welchel's book Friendship for Grown-ups.  Jess has a lot of friends.  


I think many of the bloggers i read do have a lot of friends.  I think that is why i'm attracted to them.  Friendship is something that does not come easily to me, although i'm blessed with several wonderful friends.  It is something with which i have always struggled, although it is important to me.  


But i also think that when you reach a certain age and do not have children, friendships can become a bit more challenging, especially if previous friends began to have families.  Of course, i'm past that part (friends starting families) most of my friends and family are now having grandchildren.  


There are times when i comment at mommy blogs (i read a few) where i feel very limited in my comments.  I can only comment from my own experience in childhood or adolescence, i do not have the experience of being a mama, experiencing whatever thru my children, from which to draw.  I was a nanny for several years, but i've had the feeling (in the past) when i commented from that experience it wasn't much appreciated.  There are times i feel a certain "failure to launch" in life, because i never had the opportunity to take this path.  I feel that i only have the childhood part of the picture, not the adult side.


Thus it was with some surprise that i read this week a recent report on childlessness at another blog:  Fertility of American Women.  Of course, i don't really see this report as fertility.  Many women may have been fertile, but unable to have children due to other circumstances unrelated to physical ability.  


What surprised me most is that the data shows that among women age 40-44, 18% do not have children.  That is almost 1 in 5.  It also showed this pattern across many demographics:  Race, education, income level, and location in the US.  


I thought, "How is it possible that 1 in 5 women don't have children, yet i know so few of them?"  But on further thought, i find that is not true.  I began to make a list of the folks i know (some are good friends, others i just know) who do not have children.  


Elsa (yes, my youngest sister)
Lori
Cindy
Dawn
Kimmy
Cathie
Sheree (although she is 37)
Tish
Debra Ann
Cathy
Emily (not yet 40)
Jessica (cousin, she may not be 40 yet, either)
Michelle
Kim
Melody (maybe not yet 40)
Mary
Michelle (different one)
Sharon
Jessica (another one)
Melinda
Debbie
Sharon (another one)
Barbara
Bev
Wendy
Tami
Tiffany


These are just the folks that i know or have met personally.  There are at least another dozen i've met online.  Some are still wanting to have families, others are no longer pursuing that and have begun putting together a life with a family of two.  Some are single and never had the opportunity.


And, of course, i don't know the reasons for all these women on my list.  Some have never met a partner with whom to share life.  They are not folks who would consider being a single parent by choice.  Others have had infertility struggles.  And some, i simply don't know.  We've never discussed it. 

The website i read this report at seems to be (i only found it recently so i don't know the full story) of childless by choice, what they call "childfree." 

And in thinking over this list, i began to realize why i was so ignorant of the number of childless women i know:  We don't have a unifying pull.  


What i mean is, when a woman becomes a mother, she joins this great sorority of shared experiences that seems to draw them into a circle.  When 2 women meet, if they both have children, they immediately share a bond that they can usually find topics on which to discuss easily.  If one is not a mama, it may be more work to find a common topic.  If neither have children, there is not an immediate "oh we have this in common" - childlessness alone doesn't necessarily make that bond.  

Those of us who do not have children do not meet for a "no mommy no me" morning.  We don't meet and share experiences at schools as we have no children in those schools.  Preschools, "Mommy and me" programs, after school programs, Vacation Bible Schools - all these things are geared toward children and parents. 


Pamela Jean did a great job in choosing the title for her book, Silent Sorority, but i'm afraid that the fact is non-mamas don't really share a similar bond.  Even if two childless not by choice women meet, they do not necessarily speak of this childlessness.  It is not, it cannot be the same as the bond shared by mamas.  I'm not making an emotional or critical statement here, simply relaying facts.  Sharing some observations. 

Of that long list i have above, i have only discussed children with six of these women.  With the others, i simply do not know.  

Often these things are just too painful to ask, and it is hard to know where to take it.  If someone has been thru a long, difficult fight with infertility and chosen not to pursue it any farther, they may very much not want to talk about it.  Others may want to talk about it but don't have the chance.  

The daughter of a friend lost a baby about a year ago.  (I don't know the daughter well, but have been around her all the time she was growing up.)  I very much wanted to send a note to her, remembering the kindness of a family who sent a note to us after our loss (the only note anyone sent us, i think).  However, i didn't have an address and when i asked, the family said she didn't want to talk about it any more, she wouldn't appreciate a note.  


It is also hard to know how to respond to people.  When asked if i have children, these days i will usually just say, "No," or on occasion, "We haven't been blessed."  In the past, trying to relate to people, i would say we wanted them but that we haven't been all that lucky, or on occasion i would even mention our losses.  It doesn't seem to me that such a thing should be impossible to mention, but the reaction i usually had was so much discomfort that it stopped rather than encouraged conversation.  I've had to stop doing that because it just isn't helpful.  But i admit, i rather resent that i cannot mention our desire for children or disappointment.  I also resent that if i mention it anywhere (such as at Facebook), the lack of response is heartbreaking to me; however the one or two who do acknowledge the loss means more to me than i can say.  I don't know if any other culture is better at this than we, but our culture definitely does not handle any kind of loss or disappointment well.  


But the culture is not to blame alone.  Just as my response to a note after loss was very different from my friend's daughter, the experience of going thru infertility is so very different for each woman.  It is not at all the same as sharing the experience of giving birth, nursing, raising children.   The reasons for not having children is also very diverse.  Women who are childless do not have a unifying experience to bond them.  I know i said that before, but it is becoming very, very clear to me right now.  


Also, good or bad, right or wrong, it seems disappointments and loss can drive a wedge as often as it unites.  

I'm thinking of a conversation with a distant cousin a while ago.  She was sharing how depressed she feels at holidays, being around the family, family with children, etc.  How disappointed she is that hasn't happened for her, how sad she is.  I tried to commiserate with her, our disappointment about no children is intense, too.  But when i tried to "connect" - her response was, "At least you have a husband!  You have someone in your life who loves you!"  In general she is a very upbeat person.  She does not usually respond in this manner.  However, this is my experience frequently with folks.  They tend to say, "At least . . . " in other words, "my pain is still worse than yours."


I've run into this many times on many levels.  Most recently it was with someone i know who lost an adult child (many years ago).  I spoke of the pain of childlessness and her response was "At least you didn't have to go thru the raising of them only to see them die so senselessly."  What i felt but did not say was, "At least you got to be a mama.  At least you knew the joy of being called mama."  


I did not say this because this "At least . . . " stuff is insulting.  It is rejecting the pain of one in preference of the other.  For me to say that to her would be to discount her pain of the loss of her child.  The fact that she was discounting my pain does not make it right.  I don't really understand why we do this.  But i do know it divides rather than connects.  There is NO comfort in an "At least . . . " statement. 
___________________________________


Wow, this is long.  And negative.  Think i'll have to do "grateful" in a separate post.



408 

The Unimaginable

(This post is on childlessness - again.  It is not intended as "poor, poor me," but you are certainly welcome to skip reading if you don't want to hear me beat this poor, dead horse again.) 

Today, Ree at The Pioneer Woman wrote this post titled "Kewpie."  It is about how her second son was an unplanned baby, but that she is so glad she has him & can't imagine her life without him.  (I believe that 80% of the comments also speak of "my fourth was an 'oops' but i am so thankful to have him/her.")

And i realized that what i'm struggling with is the unimaginable.  I can't imagine our lives without our children, yet, here we are.  I can not imagine my life without children.  

But, evidently it is what i'm going to have, and so i just don't know the pattern to create with this.   What template do i use to shape our lives as a family of only two?  

It is not like a family who now has an "empty nest" for those people have grown children to visit and grandchildren or the hope of them for the future.

This young man is Duane's cousin's baby.  He is 2 months older than our Kaylee would be.  (Now 4-1/2.)

 I've posted these pics before.  I'm always holding someone else's baby.  This is my sister's (Larkin's) oldest child, Ellen.  Ellen just had her first baby 3 weeks ago.  


Many children have imaginary playmates.  I had imaginary children.  When i was 16, i had a six year old daughter named Joy and a 2 year old Janet.  (I could even share pics i drew of them.)  I also had a family that i cared for their 2 boys regularly.  When Joy and Janet were 6 and 2, Jacy and Jeff were 4 and newborn.  I so much wanted to be a mama, and to have a full family.




I feel like i still have imaginary children.  Our Kaylee would be 4-1/2 now.  Where did the time go by so quickly?  I can see her very clearly.  She's got blonde curls and bright blue eyes.  (I actually prefer straight hair, but her daddy had the curliest hair as a child.  Also her Aunt Loren had very, very curly blonde hair.  Aunt Loren's hair never got very long.  I'm assuming that Duane's sister Loren is caring for our Kaylee in heaven.  She died a few years before i met Duane.)  Kaylee is growing to be so tall and slim and isn't a baby any more.



The last child i lost was 2 years ago when the doctor's wife was expecting their first.  I lost that one when she was just thru her first trimester.  She is expecting again in late May or early June (tho they have not officially told folks yet).  



I have always believed that if i was just patient enough, that if i just waited with hope and belief, children would come to us.  I'm past that now.  It has been 2 years.  I believe i'm on the cusp of starting menopause.  My last cycle ran 70 days and i never even did a home preg test.  I had no symptoms and no hope that i was pregnant.  



I began doing something a couple of years ago.  It began with the best of intentions.  When i saw someone pregnant, or with a baby or very small child i would say to myself, "This is not going to happen for you.  This will not come to you.  We are not going to have children."  It was an honest attempt to help myself to accept life as it is.  



This is not the advice to follow if you believe in life as in "The Secret."  They state you have to have positive thoughts and expect "the universe" will give what you ask.  Bunk.  That is not how life or the universe or God works.  Things happen.  Things don't happen.  Circumstances can knock you over.  Life is simply unfair.  I'm not sure i've better hope of the life to come.  



Anyway, as well meaning as my attempt was, it backfired on me.  Tho i never, ever voiced this out loud to another person, my thinking of, "This will not happen for you . . . etc." eventually developed into a whiny rant.  Say the above with the whiny voice of a spoilt 3 year old and you'll know just how i sounded.  



I do NOT want to be this way.  I do NOT want to live my life this way.  I don't want to be a dried up, disappointed, vinegary old woman.  I do not want to live my life looking back on the children we might have had, yet i seem to tend to do that. 




It has been unacceptable to me that we won't have children.  Past Christmases and other holidays i've thought of the stories we want to share with our children in the future and the holiday rituals we want to incorporate into our lives.  Baking cookies and making ornaments and decorating.  Christmas ornaments i want to save and pass down to them.  



The "passing on" of items seems to be a big thing for many people.  Many of the things i make and use are things i would like to give to someone, to pass on to someone who remembers and likes those things.  Who will want those things?  Does my life have any value if there is no one to follow me who appreciates anything about my life?  



Please understand, i'm not whining right now.  No matter how it may sound, i'm not saying "Poor, poor me."  I have so much and am so very richly blessed.  I have so much that many, many other people would envy my possession of, not to mention the wonderful relationship i have with my husband.  



What i am struggling with at this point is, i had a pattern, an outline in my head of how our lives would go, the direction we would take.  Not a detailed plan of course, because life doesn't follow a detailed plan.  But a pattern none the less of the shape our lives would take when we had children.  


It has become obvious, however, that children are not going to come.  The pattern i had is shredded, and i've no idea what to put in its place.  


This is coming up, largely, because of the coming holidays.  There are family issues going on which may make joining in family celebrations difficult.  We have always joined Duane's parents or the larger family for Christmas Eve and reserved Christmas Day for our own celebration.  However, for the last 3 years that "our own day" has been very empty.  I don't know what to put in its place.  



When i first moved to California, i thought that i could find other "transplants" and folks without family with whom to spend holidays.  I have not found this to work very well at any time.  Early on, i was bitterly disappointed more than once.  I've not ruled out this possibility, however, my California experiences lead me to believe most folks already have people with whom to celebrate.




I've read of other childless (or often calling themselves "childfree" but i don't think i'll ever be there) couples go on fantastic vacations over the holidays.  Frankly, i just can't see that we'll ever do this.  We've only taken one trip that i consider "vacation" in our 7 years together, and that was our honeymoon.  All other trips have been to visit friends or family.  So i just don't see us going off on some unusual (expensive) trip.




This year has the opportunity to be different, of course.  N's family may join us for some holiday celebration at some point thru the season.  I might borrow her daughter and bake cookies.  Or her sons to make gifts.  I hope it is the start of many such years, whether with her family or another.  I do look forward to that.



Still, i just do not know how to create a full life sans children.  In search of a new pattern that may not have been created yet!  Some people would see this as a great adventure, the opportunity to forge a new path that few others take.  

We may try and find somewhere to volunteer on Christmas day.  I know Orange County has many places where they serve a holiday meal.  I doubt Big Bear has such, but we certainly can check.






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On the baby issue

Thank you so much for the supportive comments, both here and privately.

This is another "rant" - and if you'd prefer to skip it i understand.  I've written another post for today.

Please know that i know i am not alone in this struggle.  Wanting children is part of (most) of us.  Since Biblical times women agonize over the inability to have children.  The stories in the Bible are of women who desired children, were denied for a time, and then were granted children.  It doesn't always work out that way.  We aren't told stories of women who prayed for children but were never granted their desire to be mothers. 


There are many, many blogs of women or families who are going thru the heartache of miscarriage and/or infertility, or on the adoption path.  There are a few blogs as well of people learning to live a "childless not by choice" life.  I certainly am not alone.


Pamela Tsigdinos has written a book entitled Silent Sorority about the issue of childlessness.  I've not yet read it, tho i've followed her blog for some time now.  She has also written a number of articles about this issue as well.  What has surprised and shocked me is the amount of vile and angry comments she receives at some of these articles.  She is simply stating how she feels unacknowledged as a childless woman in a world of child-centric culture.  Nothing more.  But people attack her for not choosing to adopt and any number of other things.  Some of the people who do adopt attack her for considering adoption "second-class families" when she has said nothing of the kind.  I don't know her reasons for not adopting.  I don't need to know.  


I wish i had a dollar for every person who has said to me, "You can always adopt," or "Why don't you just adopt?"  People who say such things are completely unaware of the very complex issues surrounding adoption.  There is not any "just" about it.  It is not as though there is some place that people can go pick out a child like picking up a puppy from the pound.  


Currently, adoption procedures are very complex.  And very political.  Social workers look into every detail of your life.  It is very stressful, very expensive, and often very heartbreaking.  I've followed the trail of some folks on this quest.   

Denifay has posted about their heartbreak.  They believed they would be having a baby this past summer.  Turns out that they were the victims of a nefarious person who fooled several people for money by promising them her child.  Denifay is also having to deal with the politics of agencies.  A number of agencies bill themselves as "Christian" and have very strict standards.  Tho Denifay and her husband are both Christians, they are attending different churches, and this by default kicks them out of the running with several agencies.  


I do know of people who have had adoptions go smoothly.  They made it thru and have their family.  But i also know many, many heartbreak stories where it doesn't work that way.  I know of a family who actually had the baby for a month when the mama changed her mind.  

Very close to us here, i know another story.  A young woman was in relationship with a young man.  The relationship was not going well, and she purposefully chose to get pregnant in order to "save" the relationship.  It did not work, and that was clear to her very soon.  She chose to put the baby up for adoption.  She chose a family.  They prepared a nursery.  They came (from Hawaii to Big Bear) to be near when the baby was born.  Her mama, the grandma, talked the young woman out of adoption and into keeping the baby.  She was not prepared emotionally or financially to be a mama.  That child is now 5 and has bounced around between grandparents, aunts, and the mama.  He is not a stable child.  He has no discipline in his life and much of the time is out of control.  Choosing to keep the baby was a very poor choice both for the mama and the child, but such things are done every day.


We are not opposed to adoption.  We most certainly do not consider families created by adoption as "second class."  But we also know quite clearly that we would not survive the heartache of navigating the adoption procedures.  We also cannot support, financially, the application and home study of $6,000 when there is no assurance we would ever have a child.  In fact, even if we went thru this process, i would say that the chances of having a child placed with us is very low indeed.


There are other ways to adopt.  There are many, many children in "the system" who are older and very much want to be part of a family.  And my heart desires for them, too, and breaks to know they don't have a family.  But taking older children has inherent challenges as well.  Ones that we don't feel prepared to take on that kind of challenge to inexperienced "parents."  Particularly with my energy level, it is an impossibility.


The reality is, and we have looked at this seriously from every angle, we are not going to be parents.  Not here on earth, anyway.  We can be aunt and uncle, mentors, friends.  But if i can't manage more than an hour or two with an 8 year old, there is no way i'll be able to take on 24/7 with a child for whom i'm mama.  


We KNOW this.  But it doesn't change the heartache and disappointment.  It does not change the desire in my heart.  It only means that i have to accept where we are at and where our lives are going.  


Because i am struggling with the death of a dearly held desire, i am struggling.  I KNOW with all my being that i haven't the energy to provide what is needed for my husband, who is an adult, much less helpless children.  I have the love and desire, but that is not enough.  I KNOW these things; it doesn't make it any easier to accept.  

At this point in time it is hard for me to imagine that it ever won't hurt, that i will in fact be somewhat indifferent to it, that i will, in fact, "come to terms."  At this point, it is painful to hear of the pregnancy of an acquaintance, friend, or relative.  The birth of a child is a happy time, but it is hard for me to fully share in that happiness.  


Therefore, for someone to say very casually to me, "I know a mama who is going to put her baby up for adoption," or "I could carry a baby for you," is a knife to the heart because i know that i cannot have the very thing i so deeply desire.  It is worse than a carrot on a stick, it is more like bait in a trap that will break my back if i reach for it.  


I saw John this week.  I told him of the off-hand offer to carry a child for us.  He told me that if the issue was merely financial that we would discuss it at great length.  However, he said what i already know and struggle to accept, "If you were given the desire of your heart, how would you be able to care for it (him or her)?"


This is not an issue of me finding a way to make this happen.  In fact, i think it would be very selfish and unloving.  It is an issue of making myself accept what i wish not to face.  But that doesn't mean that casual comments or remarks don't hurt.  ("Why don't you adopt?" or "I know someone who wants to place their child.")



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Riff raff

(Can i use that as a form of "this 'n that"?)

Do you remember this pic?  I posted it a while ago.   It is from a Christmas party at our old church in early December, 2007.  This little miss was about 2 weeks old and barely 6 pounds.  (The baby dust i was hoping for didn't rub off on us.)


Today at "the other" Lutheran church, we ran into these folks.  This young lady is almost 3 now, and a curly-haired doll.  And very active.  She has a sister who is about 3 months old.  The parents are children of one of our neighbors.  The parents (our neighbors) used to go to our old church.  They went thru some family issues and didn't attend for a long time.  They were very hurt because the church never reached out to them at all.


We had someone we know indicate at least some interest as acting as a surrogate for us.  I almost wish she had not.  There are so many ups and downs revolving around the issue.  If i were not disabled.  If, if, if.  We have already decided that should someone tell us they were interested in placing their baby (already conceived, planned to put up for adoption) with us, or knew someone who did, we would pursue it.  Otherwise, we won't.  Of course, either is a lot of money.  We feel that having someone approach us would be the leading of God.  Choosing a surrogate seems to be just pushing our own desire apart from God.  When Abraham did the same thing, the result was centuries of racial tensions.  Not that we feel that we are in the same class as Abraham.  But we do feel that bad things (financial, emotional, physical/medical for me, etc.) could happen. 


I had rather a sleepless night over this, thinking, "Is this an opportunity or just a temptation?"  We haven't made a definitive decision yet (and don't know if the offer was even serious), but at this point we are leaning away from it.  I WANT TO BE A MAMA!  With all my heart i do.  But i also know that sometimes desire/love is not enough.  It often is not enough for a teen mama who thinks her love will make it all perfect and right.  It would not be enough for us.  Financially it would be a stretch, but we would probably also have to hire daily household help in order to manage, which we honestly can't afford.  


I need to be honest about the disability.  I am very, very limited.  I did quite a lot yesterday & today, & had to take a nap.  When i woke it felt as if every ounce of energy or life force had been drained from me.  Almost all the child care would fall to Duane, and already almost all of our income falls to him, too.  


Much as it breaks my heart, i think i do need to accept this - which i'm finding almost impossible.  I need to accept that i can be minimally involved in some children's lives and perhaps make an impact there.  If i really pushed thru to have children, the impact i would most likely have would be negative.  What mother wants that?


I know of 2 bloggers online who adopted babies and then, when the baby was born and  placed with them, they were 3 months pregnant.  I know that mostly this is an urban legend and doesn't happen to 95% or more of the couples.  But i can't help but say, it does feel so unfair.  There are so few babies to be adopted, and these folks had their own children 6 months after the baby was placed with them.  Ah, yeah, life.  My friend's granddaughter was born yesterday.  I'm happy for them.  But wistful for us. 



If you are interested (tho i can't imagine you would be), i've posted the foods to which i'm reactive  & the things i can eat, & the suggested diet plan (rotation) over at My Blog of Lists.  I did another list that i printed out that removed the foods i know i won't eat (meat/poultry, canola oil, soybean, gluten items).  At this point, even tho their suggested diet looks adequate, i kind of think that i'm just going to be hungry most of the time.  Sigh.  If i get hungry enough, maybe i'll learn to cook in a manner that will feed me.  But i've a strong suspicion that what is going to happen is this:  Day One - avocados.  Day Two - whole grain rice.  Day Three - sweet potatoes.  Day Four - kidney and green beans.  Sigh.  


Of course, i'm making these plans having just seen the list but not having yet talked to the doctor.  I got a notice in the mail.  It states that i'm also "high" on cadmium & arsenic.  We've been racking our brains trying to imagine how i've been exposed to those (short of Duane trying to poison me).  Likely our decks are pressure-treated wood, but i'm hardly ever out there & rarely touch the wood.  The other options are the non-organic salad bar, or the supplements i'm taking.  It will be interesting to hear the doc's ideas. 


382

Busy, busy

 Murphy's Law abounds.  Sigh.  Yesterday i got to the Copper Q (recipes here) more than an hour before the cooking demo was due to start.  I bought a gluten-free (made in store) granola bar and some hot tea.  I brought knitting and staked out 3 chairs for myself and the two ladies coming to meet me.  I've been told that there are often as many as 35 people there (with 12 places to sit) and folks come an hour in advance.  I didn't want to stand this time and one of the ladies coming is elderly, she wouldn't want to stand, either. 


We had a total of six of us.  Yup, i arrived an hour early to stake out a chair no one wanted!  It wasn't bad, and i got 7 rows done on the blanket (which is looking lovely and is so very soft!)


Carla, the person who does these demos, did Cream of Mushroom Soup.  With a roux, which is made with flour (Roux happens to be my middle name).  So, i was prepared not to be able to taste it.  But she took some of the soup out before adding the roux, and made a small amount with cornstarch so i could try it.  (She was curious, too, to know how it would taste compared to the one made with flour.)  I "cheated" on being vegetarian/pescatarian because she made it with a "chicken base" - but after she went to the trouble to make this just for me, i didn't want to refuse it.  It was simply wonderful.  When i make it in the future, however, i'll make it with a vegetable broth/base.  She said the flavor isn't much different with cornstarch over flour and the difference might be that she didn't add butter to what she made for me.  


Anyway, i much appreciated the substitution and being able to taste the soup.  I recommend making it yourself!


Which is another issue on which i've been thinking for a while.

I can has cheezeburger

I eat gluten free.   There are a lot of GF sites and  blogs nowdays.  I appreciate them very much.  But much is being done to try to "recreate" the current diet of most Americans (SAD = Standard American Diet, which frankly IS sad).  There are lots of recipes which are for breads, pancakes, waffles, etc.  The problem, as i see it, however, is that grains just aren't that healthy for us.  I know the current (and many past) "food pyramids" have grains - pastas, breads, etc. - as the primary source of calories.  Many folks seem to think that substituting "whole wheat" for a more processed flour makes things healthier.



But in all of my research, and it is extensive at this point, everything points toward eating grain but especially wheat products - even whole wheat - as a very poor choice for health.  


Look at the history.  Processed foods began to be introduced in the early 1900s.  By 1950 there was much focus on "convenience foods" which made the life of the housewife easier.  By the 70s these were pretty much staples in everyone's kitchens.  In the 70s and 80s, however, much was said against cholesterol containing butter, whole milk, and other healthy fats.  Grain products began to be pushed as a mainstay of our diets.  (We were encouraged to stay out of the sun, too.  The #1 health problem in the country now?  Vitamin D deficiency.)


What has happened in the intervening 30+ years?  Heart attacks, cancer, diabetes, and obesity are rampant and increasing in a manner that has many concerned.  Many people are on daily medication for chronic health issues.  As a nation, following these guidelines, we have become very unhealthy.  Yet, little has been said about this.  It seems to be part of our collective consciousness that soy = good (not true), grains = good, whole-fat milk, butter, etc = bad.  I don't believe these lies and yet i still struggle with the idea that the Alfredo sauce we make with organic cheese, milk, and butter is "naughty."  



So, i really struggle with making (or buying) GF cookies, pasta, bread, etc. because i have come to believe that grains should be a very small part of our diet.  I don't deny them altogether, but i believe they should take the part of the "pyramid" currently assigned to fats.  


I also believe the vegetable oils - long promoted as "healthy eating" - are NOT healthy.  I believe that there is no room in our diets for soy, corn, canola, or the other oils that are promoted.  If nothing else, these are highly processed not natural.  They also come from products that are largely genetically modified.  (According to Wikipedia, 93% of the soybeans in the US are GM, 86% of field corn, 93% of cotton, and 93% of canola.)  This is a problem much larger than i can begin to touch here, but none of these products are safe.  


Ok, enough of my rant.  I just am struggling with the idea of not replacing the foods i used to eat with a GF product (except on occasion), but largely foregoing grains.  If you want to know the sources for my coming to think this way, email me and i'll provide the info.  Part of my problem, however, not being much of a cook and certainly not a creative one, and also being very much a product of our culture, i struggle with knowing WHAT to eat if i take out sandwiches, rolls/bread, and pasta.  Also, frankly, my digestive system seems to work better with some grains.  Veggies alone seem to cause issues.  


I ran some errands in town after the cooking demo.  Then i came home and rested.  In the evening i watched TV and made more cards.  Also envelopes to go with them (matching the paper i use on the card).  The cards i bought (at 8 for $1) are very nice, but the envelopes that came with them are not so good.  I had a mess in the living room as i brought down all the projects on which i'm working.  I have:  bibs for the coming babies, the blanket for my niece (Ellen's) child, Christmas crafts, and the cards.  Also the sewing machine is set up on the table.  And all my scissors, and office supplies, pens of all sorts, and other useful gadgets.  A right mess.


I went to the Methodist church today.  Enjoyed it.  (It does feel weird to attend a church without Duane.)  


After church i stopped by N's house.  Her phone has been out of order.  I ended up taking her son Kip to lunch with me.  He is 12 and a really, really nice kid.  Then i stopped by and traded kids and took her daughter Sierra home to do some projects with me.  Sierra will be 9 this winter, but she is a tiny thing.  We (she) painted 3 wooden stars and 3 wooden snowflakes and then used glitter glue to decorate them.  Then she used some of the pens i had to draw while i hemmed something for Kip.  I then took her home.  She wasn't ready to go.  I had maybe 10 seconds of whining, but i told her that i just get too tired to have her for very long.  She'll have to come visit me for shorter visits.  She took it well and didn't say any more.  I think she had fun, and i did too, although i was very, very tired afterward.   I also enjoyed my lunch with Kip very much.    The only problem i can see in doing this is that N's youngest, Joshua, is 3.  I just don't think i've got the energy to handle him much, but want to be fair with them.  (He very much wanted to come visit with me, too.)



I enjoy N's family.  Her kids are very nice.  I'm thrilled that i can have children in my life (who want to be with me!) and with whom i can spend time.  But i also struggle with the idea of not - oh, i don't know - doing something that will make me a "benefactor" and therefore "above" them somehow.  I'm NOT "above" them.  I was in very similar circumstances 10 years ago.  I know i can't swoop in and "fix" everything.  I need to be careful that i don't do something that removes the dignity from their lives and the choices they make.  Does that make any sense at all?



Last week, quite by accident, i stumbled across the new blog of a former reader of mine.  I know a lot of folks who show up as my followers don't actually come and read any more.  But i do have a large enough list that when she took herself off, i didn't recognize who had left.  And i kind of shrugged, thinking that i must not fit for someone.  That happens.


But i was shocked to find at her new blog that she'd talked about not following me anymore.  She essentially said my life is lame and all i did was complain about folks in my life and that my blog is filled with self-pity.  I was really hurt by this (although, i felt even then it was an unfair assessment).  


Time is kind, however.  It doesn't hurt like that any more.  To her credit, she didn't say those things at MY blog; she probably didn't think i'd find that post.  On the other hand, i don't think she's a person who would be concerned if she knew i did read it.  I know there are some folks who would easily shrug it off, but i'm not one of those, and it has taken some time to recover my balance.  I have to accept that if i choose to allow my blog to be public, then things like this happen.  Over all, compared to some of the things i know friends have experienced, i've been very fortunate.  But i do have to wonder at the people who would choose to post such a thing.  Doesn't fit?  Fine, leave.  But say unkind things about the folks who don't fit?  Um, not cool.


I've found blogs that i follow for a while, and then, for whatever reason they don't "fit" me anymore.  That is part of the reason i tend to be an anonymous follower, at least at first.  I'm "public" on less than half the bogs i follow.  If i feel i need to move on, my absence isn't much noted that way.  But i have never - never will - post about the "sad (lame) life" of someone else and why i felt the need to leave.  


God loves us all.  And i need to love more thoroughly.  

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