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15 April 2009

Changed my mind

I've changed my mind about being damaged. I've a bruise on my shoulder/chest that is the size of a silver dollar. Directly where my bra strap lies.

The problem is 1 - i don't bruise easily. I know some folks do, but i run abnormally high in hemoglobin & it takes a lot to bruise me. 2 - there is NO reason for a massage therapist to work where that bruise is at. It is over the joint cavity. No muscle there, just ligaments & the tendon to attach the muscle. You don't work deeply on ligaments or tendons. I've had inexperienced people work too deeply there before - didn't understand it. But this lady has been doing this longer than i have, so i really don't get it.

I've also been thinking over the speed issue. In the first class i ever took on deep tissue the instructor said that deep tissue work is essentially the same as regular work, only much, much slower. Now i don't agree with him very much. Properly done deep work is quite different. But the point is when you go deep you also need to go slow. Oh, enough on my critique. I guess each of us think we are wonders. But i'm quite amazed at how many work rapidly. It has its place, mostly working on athletes pre-event, but the rest of the time it needs to be paced, slower, more measured.

I've been having trouble with the internet & i'm finding it very frustrating.

I think i'm grieving. I already had my suspicions. Dear friend Dawn suggested it yesterday & my soul said, yes, it is so.

I don't like emotion. It feels out of control. Just as i had to stop saying to people "We'd have a __ year old now" because people don't know how to respond to that, people also don't know how to handle tears. Shoot, i don't know how to handle my tears. I want to make them go away.

Because i'm feeling tearful, much of the time.

This started a week or so ago. I read a lot of different blogs on many different subjects. But many of the blogs are on young families, or couples trying to be a family - in a variety of ways. But i'm seeing that, at least right now, those options aren't open to us. In a month
or so when i'm past this we may begin to look into adoption as a possibility. However i can honestly say i don't think that will be our path. I'm not shutting doors & we may find ourselves surprised, but i don't think it will be. The heartbreak i've read of folks who are working either in the foster system or trying to adopt is something i don't believe we can handle. Again, i may be wrong, but i do not think we will go there.

But what i'm finding as i read the blogs of so many loving mamas is that i tell myself, "This will not be your outcome. This will not come to you. I will not be posting pics & antics of babies, toddlers, children. I will not be going thru the teenage angst. This will not come to me." There are good & bad aspects of doing this & i could ramble on about it for some time, but i think, for me, it is part of the path of acceptance.

This past Easter weekend with the family my thoughts were also along that pattern. Trevor & Aaron are almost 5, Hailey is almost 4, & Logan just turned 3 (tho he wasn't there that day). Our Kaylee would be 3 in May, & i was thinking of how things would be if she were here & playing with her little cousins. There probably won't be more little cousins as those folks have completed their families. And part of me thought that even if we had one now, he or she would be so much younger than the cousins. And, i realized, we almost certainly will not be having any.

Does this sound like self pity? (I would hate that.) I don't believe it is. I think this is my trying to work thru it & reach a point of acceptance. Although, a sweet, kind, wise lady left a quote from C.S. Lewis saying essentially that acceptance is something that has to be revisited with every sunrise. I'm doubt i'll reach a "point" of acceptance & it will be easier from there.

I'm also right now, listening to my MIL downstairs with Duane's niece. Kassidy is home from school sick today & so needed to be here while her mama is working. My MIL is so sweet & patient with her. I know how much she really wants to be a grandma. (All her current grandkids are children of her stepkids. She & FIL have been married only 7 years, so her stepkids don't really feel like her own. After i lost Kaylee i asked her if she felt like she was already a grandma, & she said, "I was waiting for yours." Doesn't mean she doesn't love those grandkids, but she wanted one by her son.) My grief is not mine alone. It also is Duane's & his mom's. How do i tell his mama that we've given up the hope of giving her grandchildren?

With these thoughts is coming a deep, wrenching grief. There are so many facets of this grief.

Ten years ago i'd given up hope of ever meeting someone to have a family with. To the point i'd considered a hysterectomy because of my pain issues. At least if i had done so we wouldn't have hung on so long waiting. We've been waiting because i got pregnant within a year of marriage, so we thought it would happen again. If, if, if . . . i hate ifs. That is the way of insanity. I wasted many moments, many hours before on "if." I spent many years depressed because of "if." I won't go there. I am where i am, but it is not a pleasant place right now.

I'm very easily irritated & want to much just to spend time sobbing. But i really only do that on my own, & there is rarely a time i'm on my own. Just struggling here to get myself in a place to handle this.

It occurred to me, do i wish that we could just live without all this emotion? You know, do what needs to be done & get thru the days. Easily accept what comes without all the thought, grief, drama that accompanies it. Could i do that? Of course, it is rhetorical for that is not how life is, but sometimes in pain we wish it could be . And, i don't wish for it. I don't like this or where i'm at, but think how colorless our lives would be without the joys & pain of emotion. Come to think of it, i think that is what the depression i used to struggle with like. Neither true highs or lows, just a long, consistent, dull grey.

Duane is coming soon & we're going home a bit earlier than normal. I haven't done anything because as soon as i get up that nasty, nasty cough starts. It isn't bad when i'm lying down which is kind of unusal. I had gotten a licorice herbal tea at the health food store yesterday. It is horrible! I have heard that tea in tea bags is the worst of the worst & often has a lot of dust & dirt in it. That hasn't been my experience before, but i can believe it in those tea bags. I've been doing hot water & honey instead. Stupid me, my MIL has a lemon tree with wonderful lemons on it. Why didn't i think of that before?

The cough worries me just a little because i'm hurting in my back under my ribs. I think it is related to cough not the massage. However, deep chest cough is my weak point, i often have them & there isn't much to worry about.

For some reason blogger's spell check isn't functioning, so you'll have to forgive all my typos. Nothing seems to be working on blogger. Wanted to add a pic.

Going home! And my sainted MIL is picking fresh lemons & tangerines for us.

Rosemary, i so appreciated your kind words on the day after Easter blog. Whenever you write you touch my heart so dearly. :)



Rosemary said...

Aw Kathryn, it is easy to write to you - it's like I'm sitting across a table and we're chatting. I have been where you are but I can't tell you what to do, you've got your own path. But like I've said, you are an immensely strong woman inside and out (despite how you feel, otherwise you wouldn't be a survivor like you are - remind yourself of that).

I wish I could give you an enormous hug and help. Does it help to know I say a prayer for you to find the answer from Him? I hope so. I'm always comforted to know that people wish me well and love me. I am amazed at the outpouring of kindness I find on the blogosphere. Genuine kindness, not creepy/stalker kind (know what I mean?). There is so much goodness in this world. I'm taking in all your wrote, so I'm not really touching on everything I guess. But I do think about you and try to send out happy vibes to you.

Take care, don't overdo it (licorice tea, not my first thought for a cold - I'd kick it old school with some good Irish whiskey), and don't fret that you aren't something YET - you have a lot to sort out in your feelings and you will but it will take time and feeling tired and wrung out makes it 10x harder.

CYBER HUGS from the East Coast!

Kim H. said...

I know that ache all too well - it's not quite the same, but the pain is there and it is intense. Have you guys thought about international adoption? My Dad and stepmother adopted 2 kids from Guatemala...and it is SO different from domestic adoption. They have no opportunity to come back and get the kids... they sign away their rights immediately. If you would like to hear more about the experience they've had - email me.

(I am 25 years older than my littler brother, and 26 years older than my little sister.)