This happens sometimes. I've so much in my head that it is hard to follow one trail of thought.
I was reading Stuff Christians Like on Being Brave. He talks of how brave kids are really. I got kind of bogged down in the beginning, but when he got to the point i was very touched & thought how true it is that kids face new & unexpected things daily with a lot of courage.
I read Jo's post on Society as it is & about taking care of the weakest members & what that entails.
I read that dear Rosemary has someone being unkind to her.
My mind is reeling with all kinds of thoughts to these things & more. I can't seem to sort them out, & my thoughts are tangled in ways that i can't understand & certainly can't put in words that would make sense.
I'm also thinking about kids & not having kids & how that turns out. There are times i'm still saying, "God, you realize this is a mistake, right? I should have a 3 year old keeping me busy. When will that be fixed? When will she be coming?" In truth, my belief system is not such that . . . i can't even say this right! My belief system is not that God causes things. Things are allowed for whatever reason. And i believe my pain hurts God as well, but that God sees outside of time & so is not bound by my limitations.
I'm not sure anything i say will make much sense today.
I was driving to work this AM & the car next to me had a girl child about 8 to 10 years old in the back. She was looking out at the world. And, as often happens when i see children (often) in my life, i tell myself, "This is not your future. You will not have a child in the back seat looking out." It is my attempt to come to terms with this, but i'm struggling with it.
I wonder what the rest of our lives will be. And it occurred to me that this may be something of the feeling that folks have when their kids go to college, or marry, or simply move away. "What do i do now?" The sense of loss. Of course, most of them have visits with their kids & the possibility of grandkids to anticipate.
I've also been thinking of passion. And to whom much is given much is expected. (Jo said Kennedy said that, but it is a Bible quote.) And how am i going to spend/fill the time i have? I do have passions, but frankly, i'm afraid. Afraid of stepping out of what is normal & comfortable for me. Afraid of failure. Afraid of looking stupid. Afraid of not being smart enough to try to do the things i want. Afraid no one will listen or want to. I'm afraid of being lonely & desiring friendship & having none. I'm afraid of folks being unkind to me. I'm afraid of trying to have influence & i'm afraid that i will watch the world go by but not participate. I'm afraid to live, & i'm afraid i'm letting my life pass without living.
If you have read the book Flowers for Algernon, you might understand some of my fears. The book is about Charlie, who was mentally challenged & an experiment where he was given the ability to increase his brain functioning. And he became smart off the charts, but then it couldn't be sustained & he began losing that intelligence. I feel like i'm losing the ability to learn & process info. It frightens me. I want to write novels, but my mind doesn't seem to hold info long enough for me to stitch the story together. But maybe i'm using it as an excuse. But i do know the chronic fatigue has eroded some of the intelligence i previously had. Days like today where i feel like i'm trying to grasp info but i can't quite catch it scare me.
I've got to go. I've a client & then Duane & i head home (hallelujah!)
I've been lonely today, & i'm not sure why. I want to connect & feel like i've not done that. Hope you're having a lovely day. And i'm going to do everything in my power to make tomorrow wonderful! :)