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26 May 2011

Updates, It is Today


My "followers" are not showing up at the top of the page.  Did everyone leave?

I've been sick.  I thought i was improving and then got much, much worse on Wednesday.  I think i'm on the upswing now.

I saw the new doc for a follow up today.  It was like seeing an entirely different person.  I don't know, but i'm guessing that the first time i saw her she wasn't talking to me so much as she was trying to impress the medical student who was sitting in.  I'm rather discouraged.  

She had originally told me that to do the hCG diet i would start with a nutritionist and be measured and plan the diet, etc.  And then have follow ups with both the doc and the nutritionist.  I was looking forward to this because as someone who eats mostly vegetarian, i was hoping for help making the diet decisions.  

Today she said, "You can do it yourself.  Order the homeopathic hCG drops (before she had told me that only prescription were worth bothering to use) and get this book and do it."  

I said, "Well, i was hoping for more support than that so i wouldn't be entirely on my own."

Her response, "Support?  What support?  I leave the office at 5 pm.  I won't be answering calls on the weekends.  What kind of support do you think you would have?  You ARE on your own."

Well, if she had told me that when i saw her on 9 April or whatever the date was, i would not have wasted a month and more.  I could have begun long ago!

Sigh.  She is right, in more ways than she can comprehend, i am on my own.  I will try her supplements, and i'll re-run blood work in August as she wants and see her for follow-up in September.  I might even do some IV vitamins (tho that is questionable; i'm not sure her staff could run an IV line for me).  But i will not expect support, or even basic knowledge from her.  If i get an infection i will treat it myself, as i have been doing.  If i have questions, i'll research them myself, as i have been doing.  I'm not sure (after her answer on this and some other serious matters) that i would trust her answers or recommendations anyway.

The big question:  Why even continue?  Well, it is like this:  I have been skipping around to doctors for the past 3+ years.  NONE of them seem to know what they are doing and they keep making recommendations i can't live with.  So i HAVE been "doing it on my own."  The down side of that is i am on disability.  I need my limitations and problems documented by a "medical health professional."   I've been with John all along, and he has been documenting this all along, and next review i will be relying on his reports/documentation.  However, he is a PhD not a MD, and so i'm not sure how much weight his report can carry.  I need a MD.  I'm going to try and stick with this MD, but i must admit that after my first visit with her, this second one was a slap in the face.  

Today is the 5th anniversary of Kaylee's due date.  If we had carried to term, we would have a child who would be celebrating her 5th birthday sometime toward the end of May or early June.  

In recent months, it has seemed like i have "imaginary children."  I did have imaginary children when i was a teen, and this feels rather similar.  The difference of course was when i was a teen i had hope of eventually having flesh and blood children.  I'm past that hope.  A friend called last week to let me know of an adoptable child, but all that does is shred my heart anew as i know we cannot, cannot, cannot take a child with my functioning at its current state.  I feel absolutely crushed and broken knowing there is a child who needs a home, that someone hopes i could take him, and i cannot.  I do not have the functioning to do basic work in our home; without nearly full-time help taking a child is an impossibility.  We cannot afford that kind of help.

I read a book recently called Heaven is For Real.  I can't begin to tell you about this book.  It was good.  And i cried for the loss of our child.  

I think, had we carried her to term, we would not have named her Kaylee.  These days i lean toward Mary.  I don't know what would have been.  Sometimes i wonder what i was even thinking about using Kaylee.  

I knew, of course, that it was because of a character on the TV show Firefly (later they made a movie with the same characters, Serenity).  But i had not watched the show in a long time and had rather forgotten my feelings (except remembering i liked the show).  

Recently we were watching some of those old shows again, and i knew right away why i wanted our daughter to be Kaylee.  On the show, Kaylee was the sweetest young lady i've ever seen.  (Think a modern version of Melanie Wilkes.)  She wasn't naive, but she was innocent in her way of dealing with people and always saw the good in folks and life was a constant joyous wonder to her and she was simply sweet.  That is what i wanted for our daughter and that is why i loved the name Kaylee, even if i forgot that later.

So, it is Today.  Tomorrow will be tomorrow.  And i take one day at a time.  Today is a rather discouraging day, but tomorrow is another day.  



Amrita said...

Thank goodness I can comment on your blog Kathy, I am having trouble with the boxes which open under the posts.

Yeah I see your folllowers have disappeared??? Blogger plays tricks with is.

I feel so sorry to read about your tryst with the medical services. Hope this doctor is able to help you.

I understand how hard it would be for you to take care of a child with your health issues. The same for me too.

lisa said...

Its hard but you are right tomorrow is another day! You have to leave the past there and look to the future.

kare said...

Oh Sorrow:(
i feel that grief pang rather strongly for you too.

Our first would be a teenager now:o Hard to believe...
....i don't even feel more than a teenager sometimes...when my body isn't 100;<
& Yes ... lost my followers too..don't know what i may have done?? Not the first Blogger glitch i've had though.

This last miscarriage was tough but i Do understand it would have been hard to keep up with a baby at this stage...healthwise and age-wise... Good grief i'm almost 50!! what a crazy thing That would have been!!
i can only say, Dear... that Hubs and i have that hope of a happy heavenly re-union...Grief & pain are hard things aren't they.

Thinking & praying extra hard for you Kathryn. You are NOT alone.

*buzz & huggs

Anonymous said...

Hi, Kathy.

I've linked here from another blog. So sorry to hear about your health issues. It can be so discouraging to keep trying different things that don't really help.

I wanted to suggest to you that you might explore some of the stuff written by lifestyle physician Dr. Joel Fuhrman, MD.

He's written the book called "Eat to Live." I know this man, and his total lifestyle, and dietary approach has helped many people.

He is on the web. God bless, Kathy!