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11 June 2013

"Silent No More"

That term is used for situations much more serious than my own.  I am using it, however, to state that i am no longer going to silence my own voice and refuse to speak.  Again, that sounds much more serious than my circumstances, but i've spent most of my life choosing not to say anything.  Why?  Well, because i think no one wants to hear what i have to say.  I think that what i say offends others.  I think i've nothing important enough to bother writing.  And when i have tried to speak, i feel like i'm standing in a corner screaming and no one can hear me.  I not only feel that no one wants to hear me but also that no one does.

So i'm done with worrying about that.  If no one wants to listen, that's fine.  But i'm not going to silence myself because of it.

The last post about a "good" day was the beginning of about 20 good days.  I had almost three weeks.  I'd begun a couple of new supplements, and it was simply wonderful.  It was suppose to be for weight loss.  They recommended four:  CoQ10, Green Tea Extract, L-Carnitine, and Grape Extract (resveratrol).  I was already taking the first two, CoQ10 in 100 mg (which is the upper limit of what is recommended), and 500 mg of Green Tea Extract.  I added in 250 mg of L-Caratine and 100 mg of Grape Seed Extract (yes, i mis-read the article and bought the wrong thing).

My response was like a rocket ship, and one that was fun to ride!  I would guess that my energy level is about 10% of what is considered "normal."  All of a sudden i had double that, or even a bit more.  I still would get tired, but i didn't crash as so often happened, and i was able to get so much done.  I was excited !  I was doing the happy dance all the time (at least in my head).  I couldn't sit still !  It wasn't manic, or anything, but i would see things that needed to be done and i HAD to get up to do them !

I had had one similar experience before, back in the late 90s.  The doc had me on one pill and was taking me off of that one and starting another and for about 5 days i would wake up in the morning, alert and ready to go.  Again, it wasn't manic, but real energy.  I thought, "My God !  This is what the rest of the world has.  This is what it is like to be normal !"  I'd never really had energy before and honestly didn't know what to do with it.  I've always felt i "wasted" those 5 days because i didn't know how to function with more "go."  That energy did not last.  The doc and i tried various combinations of those two drugs but were never able to recreate that energy, to my severe disappointment.  I have never forgotten those five wonderful days.

This time around i did not "waste" the energy.  I used it.  I knew it would not continue to "skyrocket" the way it did early on.  That wouldn't be reasonable.  However, i did expect to plateau.

That is not what happened.  I crashed instead.  Right off of a very steep, very high cliff.   I'm back to where i was before, or possibly a little worse.  It is hard to tell because my attitude about it is so low and negative that i wonder if my bitterness about the loss is making it worse.

What happened?  I don't know.  I did add in a couple of different supplements.  Since i misread "grape extract" for "grape seed extract" i added in the resveratrol.  I also learned about acetyl-l-carnitine, which is different from the one i took, but good for brain function.  I bumped the l-carnitine from 250 mg to 500 mg.  Did that make the difference?  I don't know.  I had the chiro i work with check the supplements i was taking and i didn't test negative.  I also wasn't eating as healthy as i could have been and made a few poor choices.  I pushed myself a bit but didn't have negative reaction, so i assumed it was okay.  Did this make the difference?  I haven't a clue.

At Duane's suggestion, last week i cut the supplements to the more restrictive amount that i was taking when i was doing better.  It didn't seem to make much difference, but then, i didn't expect it too.  Also, even though i'm hopeful that i might be able to regain that improvement i had, based on my only experience before, nothing worked then.  Again, i'm hopeful that if i had it this time i might get it again, but i am not holding my breath.

So, i've had about 25 days of energy in my life (at least in my memory; i think i had more as a child but not a lot more).  I figured it out the other day.  I've had 624 months in my life thus far, and less than a month of those have been proper energy.  Someone asked me what my life is like on a daily basis.  The only way i can explain is to have people remember when they have had the flu.  They've been really sick, a fever, feeling awful.  Then the illness recedes and they are no longer "sick," but their bodies are not back to normal.  They get out of bed and feel weak and wasted.  Their sleep is possibly not really restful or restorative.  And that is what i feel like almost all the time.  Not sick, but weak and wasted.  I have to carefully choose what i do throughout the day, because when i'm out of energy, i'm done.  There are days when i can't do one more thing.  There are days when i use all of my energy early in the day and the rest of the day is spent resting.  I feel and look like a wrung-out dishcloth on those days.  I find that i rarely go into town (in Big Bear) anymore.  We rarely attend church.  I do still go to the Monday AM knit group because it would break my heart to give that up, but i pay for it the rest of the day.

The truth is i am not taking this gracefully.  I'm angry and bitter.  It is almost worse to be given those 20 days when the end result is to have them yanked away.  To know what it is like to feel better, to have energy to do the things i want and need to do, and to know if i try to do that now i'll crash so hard i might not recover.

I'm choosing not to go to Facebook this week.  It broke me when someone posted:  "Fact is the way you react to EVERYTHING is a choice you get to make. In good situations and in bad, that choice is ALWAYS in your hands."

We had a long discussion about this, and it comes out that even hurtful things don't hurt this person because she chooses not to let them.  ! ! !   Now, i agree that my response to everything is my choice, but i don't know how to "choose not to be hurt" when people are unkind.   I have also been rebuked for my negative attitude and the lack of a positive attitude and how that effects me.

I understand that positive attitude is important.  But i don't know how to manufacture it or to make myself see things differently.  I have tried.

So, i have silenced my own voice because what i have to say is so bitter, so negative, so "non-fun."  I don't know what will happen from here, but this is me, and where i am.  I don't like myself or my attitude very much, but i will not stop writing simply because i am not fun.  I guess i'm still in my stupid corner, but i am not going to stop screaming because i'm being ignored.



Mrs. Mac said...

It's good to speak your mind and not be silenced to the point of being bottled up. Your post here is very concise and well written .. AND gives me a better understanding of what you are going through (without coming off as a whiny post). For that I thank you. May God grant you serenity .. and healing .. to find that place of living without having to filter each day through pain and suffering. Love, C

Kathryn said...

Thank you, C. Your words touch my heart. Thanks for the encouragement.

Hugs to you on this sad anniversary.

Kathi said...

I agree with Mrs. Mac - It is good for us to hear what you're dealing with. I know that many people just do not understand what it is like to live with a chronic illness. And, many think that, for those who deal with it, it's all in their heads. Well, I'm sure that just one day of living with what you're dealing with on a daily basis would be enough to change that attitude toward you.

By the way, do you think that as you get a little bit older that you just don't care what people think of what you have to say? I'm finding that about myself as I'm now in my 40s. While I admit that I'm still reserved with some people, I find that while I would not intentionally hurt someone, I really could care less about what they think. It's a freeing attitude to have!

Kathryn said...

Kathi - thank you.

I think as we age/mature and become more comfortable with and accepting of who we are, it is easier to like ourselves. When we really reach that point i think caring about what others think has less sway.

I am really struggling with liking myself and who i am, which opens the door to being influenced by others more than i should.

Because i've dealt with an energy deficit most of my life (tho not as severe as it is currently), i was called lazy and unmotivated when i was young. That coupled with living in a home where i did not feel loved or even liked is something that i struggle to overcome even now. I KNOW in my head that i shouldn't let it effect me, but deep down it is difficult to fight and i can't imagine why anyone would like me at all. It is particularly difficult for me to let anyone see how fatigued i am at times, as "lazy, worthless wretch" plays in my head.