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26 September 2010

Riff raff

(Can i use that as a form of "this 'n that"?)

Do you remember this pic?  I posted it a while ago.   It is from a Christmas party at our old church in early December, 2007.  This little miss was about 2 weeks old and barely 6 pounds.  (The baby dust i was hoping for didn't rub off on us.)

Today at "the other" Lutheran church, we ran into these folks.  This young lady is almost 3 now, and a curly-haired doll.  And very active.  She has a sister who is about 3 months old.  The parents are children of one of our neighbors.  The parents (our neighbors) used to go to our old church.  They went thru some family issues and didn't attend for a long time.  They were very hurt because the church never reached out to them at all.

We had someone we know indicate at least some interest as acting as a surrogate for us.  I almost wish she had not.  There are so many ups and downs revolving around the issue.  If i were not disabled.  If, if, if.  We have already decided that should someone tell us they were interested in placing their baby (already conceived, planned to put up for adoption) with us, or knew someone who did, we would pursue it.  Otherwise, we won't.  Of course, either is a lot of money.  We feel that having someone approach us would be the leading of God.  Choosing a surrogate seems to be just pushing our own desire apart from God.  When Abraham did the same thing, the result was centuries of racial tensions.  Not that we feel that we are in the same class as Abraham.  But we do feel that bad things (financial, emotional, physical/medical for me, etc.) could happen. 

I had rather a sleepless night over this, thinking, "Is this an opportunity or just a temptation?"  We haven't made a definitive decision yet (and don't know if the offer was even serious), but at this point we are leaning away from it.  I WANT TO BE A MAMA!  With all my heart i do.  But i also know that sometimes desire/love is not enough.  It often is not enough for a teen mama who thinks her love will make it all perfect and right.  It would not be enough for us.  Financially it would be a stretch, but we would probably also have to hire daily household help in order to manage, which we honestly can't afford.  

I need to be honest about the disability.  I am very, very limited.  I did quite a lot yesterday & today, & had to take a nap.  When i woke it felt as if every ounce of energy or life force had been drained from me.  Almost all the child care would fall to Duane, and already almost all of our income falls to him, too.  

Much as it breaks my heart, i think i do need to accept this - which i'm finding almost impossible.  I need to accept that i can be minimally involved in some children's lives and perhaps make an impact there.  If i really pushed thru to have children, the impact i would most likely have would be negative.  What mother wants that?

I know of 2 bloggers online who adopted babies and then, when the baby was born and  placed with them, they were 3 months pregnant.  I know that mostly this is an urban legend and doesn't happen to 95% or more of the couples.  But i can't help but say, it does feel so unfair.  There are so few babies to be adopted, and these folks had their own children 6 months after the baby was placed with them.  Ah, yeah, life.  My friend's granddaughter was born yesterday.  I'm happy for them.  But wistful for us. 

If you are interested (tho i can't imagine you would be), i've posted the foods to which i'm reactive  & the things i can eat, & the suggested diet plan (rotation) over at My Blog of Lists.  I did another list that i printed out that removed the foods i know i won't eat (meat/poultry, canola oil, soybean, gluten items).  At this point, even tho their suggested diet looks adequate, i kind of think that i'm just going to be hungry most of the time.  Sigh.  If i get hungry enough, maybe i'll learn to cook in a manner that will feed me.  But i've a strong suspicion that what is going to happen is this:  Day One - avocados.  Day Two - whole grain rice.  Day Three - sweet potatoes.  Day Four - kidney and green beans.  Sigh.  

Of course, i'm making these plans having just seen the list but not having yet talked to the doctor.  I got a notice in the mail.  It states that i'm also "high" on cadmium & arsenic.  We've been racking our brains trying to imagine how i've been exposed to those (short of Duane trying to poison me).  Likely our decks are pressure-treated wood, but i'm hardly ever out there & rarely touch the wood.  The other options are the non-organic salad bar, or the supplements i'm taking.  It will be interesting to hear the doc's ideas. 



That corgi :) said...

I think all of us want to be parents, I think God places that desire in our hearts because how else could his kingdom advance and creation continue without us replacing ourselves? I know you will make the best decision for you and Duane, we adopted as we could not biologically have children. It was an adventure but something I would do again (the adoption was relatively easy compared to the interesting encounters we experienced raising them). The church we were going to at the time we adopted our first child (this was 24 years ago) had a couple that adopted a baby shortly before we did. Yep, two months later she's pregnant. Did it happen to us? Nope. It is something I do regret that I never got to experience pregnancy/childbirth, but God allowed me the opportunity to see a baby born in a wonderful experience I had with a dear friend of mine when we still lived in Montana. Just pray and listen to that still voice of God. He will lead you where he wants you to go


Anonymous said...

I have been married for 17 years but am still childless. In our case, it was partly by choice. But we are now considering adoption. I believe God wants to teach us about love through parenthood but it's okay even if it isn't our biological child.

In all things, I wish you peace and the assurance of God's love.

Amrita said...

Dear Kathryn, this i s such an adforable photo.

My heart goes out to you. I am single and love children too.

Don 't understand God 's ways in our lives.

Land of shimp said...

Kathryn, I'm just going to admit that I have no idea what the right answer is for you. Be careful on the surrogacy issue, it's a legal complex thing, and if you ever decided to pursue it, you'd need to talk to a lawyer first, and foremost. I've got a friend who went the surrogacy route and it worked out well for them, but I've got another friend whose surrogate changed her mind halfway through, and that was exceptionally difficult. But that's my only advice on that -- unless this person has been a surrogate before, and even if they have, before you seriously consider that, talk to a lawyer. It's not as straightforward as you might think and the person offering may not understand the legalities, either.

But that's the practical side of things and you're facing the emotional side. I wish you had a sense of peace with this either way, that you felt definitely guided towards a specific outcome, whatever that might be.

You're in my thoughts.