Thoughts of Christmas Past

 Christmas was an unusual change in my family.

My parents were very skilled at being hospitable, humorous, warm, and accepting with guests.  They frequently had company to the house for meals.  Those were pleasant times because whatever they “put on” for a guest was not the norm in our home.  My mother tends to be a bit formal, and i have found her homes rather cold.

Christmas was the exception.

Somehow our home was transformed for Christmas.  There was the excited anticipation, there was music and joy and hope.  I remember all of that as very pleasant memories.  Other memories of my childhood, even when pleasant, are usually mixed with other, darker feelings.  Christmas is an exception.  

I'm so thankful for that.  It leaves me free to enjoy Christmas as an adult.  It still is hard to have no children.  I don't care, at this point, that the children would not be ours, i simply want children in my life in some fashion.  But none the less, i do enjoy Christmas, the lights and music and sense of hope.  

As a single adult i did not do much for Christmas.  I didn't bother to decorate for years (a former roommate ended up with my Christmas things).  I did not go to visit family and as i had no one else with whom to share it, i generally would work for other folks who wanted the day off (no shut down of hospitals during holidays).  Still, i reserved Christmas Eve to attend a late mass.  That was important to me. 

I'm thankful that Duane an i both enjoy this.  We decorated our tree yesterday.  It was already up with lights and star.  (The Box story of why we do it this way.  BTW, i'm so thankful for Duane's wonderful proposal.  It is lovely to remember and share.  I was at a family BD party last spring and one of the aunts asked about our engagement and i shared this story.  Then she turned to SIL and asked about theirs.  SIL turned really red and said, "Well, i was getting out of the shower. . . "  I've told Duane several times that i'm so thankful that i don't have to start our story that way!)

I also had my two "girls" here to help me make pies and cookies.  That was a lot of fun, tho it was costly, too. 

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Connections

I've quite a number of friends on Facebook these days.  Many are not what i consider "friends" but more people i've come across with similar interests.

At least i have enough friends now that when someone "unfriends" me i am not usually aware of it.  Many people who are "friends" post things i find distressing and so i tend to change their status so that i don't often see their posts.

Quite by accident i learned a while ago that someone i knew from high school had "unfriended" me.  It bothered me a lot.  I thought about it, and then i was able to let go of it.  She wasn't someone with whom i connected much, and so i was able to tell myself it didn't matter.

Yesterday i discovered someone else has done that, too, only this is someone to whom i did feel a long-term connection.  We still belong to a friends group, so i wasn't aware of this before.  She has done this with a number of people.  In fact, i heard it there first before i went to check.  They were hurt, but i didn't expect to be.  I found i was wrong.  I understand her reasons.  She is in very poor health and is having to limit her interactions.  She is sick and frail.  I don't know that i'm hurt so much as i feel sad at the loss of connection.

It scares me a little, too, because she is someone who was vastly injured by the medical profession (and is a very intelligent RN herself - much more knowledgeable than most MDs).  But the scare is that she is someone who has done EVERYTHING right - good diet, limit of meds, good supplements, etc., and to find that she is frail and in poor health (maybe in her last days), tells me that even if you do all the right things after being injured, sometimes it is not enough.

I want to believe that i will regain at least some of my functioning.  This tells me that there is at least the possibility i will not.  Positive attitude is everything, but i also have to live in my reality.

Still other years:

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Life - what more to say?

I arrived at work today to find the Christmas card of the doc's family is announcing a baby boy to arrive in the spring.

Need i say i am often envious of this family and their good fortune?  I'm happy for them, but i really wish he'd given me a head's up on the thing.  I need some time to process.

On the way down the hill Duane and i were discussing various things as we are wont to do.  I mentioned that several people have expressed surprise that i'm not on seizure meds.  That puzzles me frankly, because we KNOW the seizure was a combination of stress and dehydration.  If i work at not being dehydrated, i'm not having any problems.  Why then would i take seizure meds?

???????

If you treat the CAUSE of something (if able), then taking meds for symptoms is worthless, or dangerous.

It then occurred to me what my life might be like if i had not addressed the dehydration but began taking meds.  OMG.  I said to Duane, "Can you imagine what would happen to me if i took meds for seizures but never drank more water?"

He looked very serious and said, "I don't want to think about it."

Frankly, neither do i, beyond saying i am sure horrible things would have happened, and i find the very thought of it scary.

He asked me what i want for Christmas.  There is no good answer to that.  I don't need or want for anything.  The things i do want - more energy and functioning, better memory and health, children, to lose weight - he cannot give me.  I'm so thankful for all that we have.  The things i so greatly desire are out of reach.

I've not taken pics of our Christmas tree yet.  Here are some winter pics from other years.

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Work, part 2

One of those really interesting conversations last week came with a price.

T, Duane's cousin K's husband, had been staying with Duane's parents while he was doing some job training.  T  and  K are some of my favorite people among Duane's relatives.  I always enjoy spending time with them.  They have a new baby now, too.

So last week T and i got into several conversations, and when we got to the work conversation, Duane joined us.  His mama sat listening, and his Step-Dad sat off to the side, apparently unaffected.  The conversation was lively (and i can't repeat T's definition of work for it had too many words - i don't remember it).  

Duane's Dad doesn't like to be left out or not the center of attention.  I remember wondering at the time if i should try to draw him into the conversation but this thing had its own life and pace an i didn't stop it to make that effort.  Frankly, Dad likes to pontificate, but he doesn't join these kind of discussions.  I was enjoying our exchange too much to put the brakes on it.

The next night, while i was at my knit group, Dad attacked T verbally.  He called T a whiner (he'd hurt his back pretty severely the week before) and a drug addict (for taking Motrin), and much, much more.  So the following morning T packed his things and will be staying elsewhere while doing this work.  

I am really, really sad.  I enjoy T's company so much.  I'm not horribly surprised because i've seen Dad do this before with others.  He is the master of passive-aggressive behavior, all unconscious, i think.  If he feels left out, or not in control in a situation, this tends to be his response.  I also know that he will never believe himself to be wrong, so nothing we say will change his mind.  He will never apologize.  

Not much else i can say on this.  I am so sorry, and sad.

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Work

I had some really interesting conversations this week.

It began a week or so ago when visiting with Duane's cousin K.  She'd asked about how Duane and i met.  I told her, and mentioned that we fit together so well and it was so easy from the start that it scared me a bit.  She said they had been like that, too, but then she found out "marriage is work."  (They've been married over 12 years, Duane and i over 9.)

That surprised me.  So on Tuesday i asked Duane his opinion.  He said of course marriage is work. 

So then we delved into our individual definitions of work.  Duane's definition was "time + effort."  I was quite astonished to realize that mine is "pain and drudgery."  

So in Duane's world most things are work, but that is not a bad thing.

In my world few things are work, and that is not a bad thing either.  

My job is not work for me.  Neither is my marriage or my knitting.  From Duane's definition all these things are work, but not in my eyes.

On the other hand, cooking and cleaning IS work for me, and i have to push myself hard to do them.  Going to Orange County every week is work as well.  I have found in order to work there has to be a very big pay off.  Doing the cooking and cleaning means that we eat healthy and life is more orderly and peaceful.  Going to OC means i get to do my job in a very pleasant and rewarding atmosphere, we get to visit with my ILs, i get to shop at good health food stores, utilize doctors with a healthy mindset, visit with friends, go to a knitting group i enjoy, and a variety of other things.  So all these things are worth the work of preparing to leave.  It also explains why i generally am not willing to make extra trips into OC.  

During this conversation Duane mentioned a different knit group i used to attend.  It eventually died and i was rather disappointed but it wasn't hard to let go of it.  I happened to run into some of those ladies at another place a few months back (they were meeting at a craft place in town).  While shopping i couldn't help but overhear their conversation and was amazed to become aware that i did NOT want to join in and i did not miss it at all.  It had been work to make myself go to that group every week.

I've just realized that i find exercise work, too, which would explain why i have such a hard time doing it.  

So this has led to several conversations with other folks about their definitions of "work."  Those conversations have been quite fun and lively.  

I did ask the therapist i work with if i need to change my definition of work (tho i'm not sure i could).  He said it depends upon whether i now find my view of it depressing.  I do not!  I really like that most things in my life are not work for me.  I also like realizing my definition of work.  If i find i'm having to push myself on something i can stop and ask myself, "Why am i finding this to be work?  Does it have an adequate reward at the end, or should i stop pushing myself to work at something that is not worth my time and effort?"

("Therapist i work with" is a different context.  I don't believe in saying "my therapist," "my doctor," or "my illness" so i have to find other ways to word that.  I also will say "the receptionist at my work" or something along that line because rephrasing this would be too difficult.  I do tend to say "my office" rather than "my work" and will probably do so even more in the future.  "Work" in the definition i'm speaking is a verb, while as "my work" or "my office" is a noun and a different meaning.)

I think this has been revolutionary in my life, and will help me make changes for the better, to be more aware of what i do and why i do it.

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The way of things

Last Friday Duane and i had a really lovely morning in town.  We saw lots of folks we know and had some fun, interesting conversations.

We started out at the chiro.  The lady ahead of me was conversing with the receptionist.  I smiled at her across the room.  After the adjustment, Duane and i went to lunch at his favorite place.  A few minutes later the same lady from the chiro came in and saw kitty-corner across the aisle from us.

We had several fun conversations with a couple of people while we were there.  The lady let it be known she was listening on our conversations and enjoying them.  So we had quite a conversation with her, too.  I love that where we live so many people are friendly.

At the end of our conversation she said to us (but mostly Duane), "I think you have an interesting life."

I was a bit amused by that, but i agree, i think Duane leads an interesting life (tho "interesting" can also be "stressful").

We went grocery shopping and saw a couple more people, and then to the hardware store where we saw two or three more and had a fun conversation with the checker.

For someone who had been housebound all week and alone much of that time, the day couldn't have been better!

Duane left for a Search And Rescue weekend on Friday afternoon, however.  I'd already been alone Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of Thursday.  I now was alone again for part of Friday, Saturday, and more than half of Sunday.  I was still in a lot of pain, too, and having trouble moving around.

At one particularly difficult point in the weekend i snorted at the idea of an "interesting life."  I thought, "if that little lady could see my 'interesting life' now!"

Because the truth is everyone has a few highs, and then long, long stretches of flat lows.  I think books are a lot of fun, but they distort perception.  I just finished an Agatha Christie book of lots of vignettes.  It follows one man thru about 8 years of occasional interesting circumstances.  The book hits the highlights of those years, but in between, of course are days and weeks of everyday activities, not noteworthy or interesting.

Even Harry Potter - one of my favorite series - has that.  She touches on his boring existence when he is with his Aunt and Uncle, but even in a book you can't get the real flavor of the days and hours where the minutes crawl by feeling as if they will never end.  Of course the books also talk about homework and how exhausting and overwhelming it was, but the books can't convey the reality of those hours stretching out.  No one would read books if they were that real!  Books and movies hit highlights!  When we compare our lives to one another, we tend to compare other folks' highlights to our drab, boring time that everyone has.

A few pics i have to add some color:

Today is the anniversary of the date we lost our first baby.  I find it to be a really cruel twist of fate that this is also the birthday of my niece's first child.  I've an article in mind, not on this specifically, but touching on it.  But i'll be posting it elsewhere.



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Life, In Repose

The wedding is over.  I could write pages about it, but i will simply state i found it strange, weird, and very different to anything i've attended before.  We have no pics.  I'm hoping that some of them will turn out well (of Duane and me together), and that we will get to see them.

Here is "the dress" but i'm not "fancied up" for this pic.  I took those cute little shoes and painted them gold and added glitter.  Not that it mattered.  I don't think anyone even saw them and i went barefoot for most of the evening.

My garden suffered while we were away.  I'd meant to move our tomato pots into the sunroom, but ran out of time and didn't.  It froze while we were away and all the tomatoes were spoilt.  I do still have some tomatoes in the sunroom that were there all along, so i've still hopes for a few.  I also have bell, jalapeño, serrano, and ghost peppers in the sunroom that are coming along nicely.  And i've a few herbs growing there, too.

We had a considerable apple crop this year, tho this pic doesn't look like it.  I haven't processed all the apples yet, but i have spent (or paid for help) about 25 hours on them so far, and have more to do.   I should take some pics of the apples i now have in baskets.  They seem to be of a Braeburn type or maybe some sort of MacIntosh cross.  They are good for eating (although my stomach doesn't handle raw apples well), also for baking and applesauce although i prefer them to be a "chunky" applesauce.

We have had a really gorgeous fall.

We have an "oak bush" that turns lovely colors for a day or two.  I suspect that there was once an oak tree where this "bush" is and that it was cut down but the stems have grown up from the roots remaining.

I have seen packages of fake oak leaves in the stores where the leaves look very much like this.  I had always assumed they came from someone's imagination of oak leaves, but here they are on our tree, looking very much like the fake ones.

We had our first snow on Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

The first pic is Wednesday, the second is about 15 hours later on Thursday.  I tried to get the angle/view almost the same.  The snow melted off quickly, tho, and we are now back to fall weather; it is cold at night but the days are mild.

This morning there have been several jays - scrub and stellar, and a couple of flickers out at our bird feeder.  No snow, sunny and clear, but windy and i think pretty chilly.  Which means the living room will be chilly.  I need to go pick up twigs from the yard (i'm slowly clearing away the deadfall) and start a fire to warm the downstairs.



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Pity Party

The wedding is over.

I took the week before it off because otherwise we would have been in OC from Tuesday until Sunday afternoon and i couldn't be away that long.  We also both took off the week after the wedding, tho Duane wasn't sure until the last minute he could take the time.

It was our plan to do a lot of "fall housecleaning" and preparing the yard and garden for winter.

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry    -   Robert Burns

Tuesday morning i got up to shower and life went awry.

For many years (at least 20) i've been having what i called "panic attacks" for lack of a better term, but i knew they did not fit the clinical definition, largely because they do not last for the time period specified.  I called them that because i feel a bit breathless and disoriented for a minute or two.  In very recent times i've come to recognize that they are neurological in nature, in fact, probably micro-se.i.zur.es (i'll abbreviate "m-/-s").  They, with the migraines i have, are probably the result of a pretty severe head injury i had when i was 11.  However, they seemed to be benign and self-limiting.  They rarely occur and most often in the shower and last less than 2 minutes all told.  I'd discussed them with a couple of different docs and we didn't consider them anything over which to be concerned.  That changed Tuesday morning, the 1st of October.

I remember having a mild one and thinking, "That wasn't so bad."  The next thing i knew i was on the couch with a very scared Duane sitting by me.  Since i have no memory of it, we can't be sure just what happened.  He heard me fall and came down to check on me.  Almost certainly i had a full-blown s.ei.z.ure.  I hit my head in 3 places, and bit thru my tongue in 4.  I also severely wrenched my low back when i fell.

I called a chiropractor right away, but no one that i trust was available in BB that day.  I had a friend come and give me a massage.  It probably helped, but the pain was so severe that moving at all was a challenge.  We did end up going to ER that afternoon as i was very nauseous - a head injury red flag.  They did a CT scan no contrast.  It came back clear, which basically only means i don't have a massive tumor in my head.   The doc i work with reviewed the d/c preliminary reports and didn't feel i needed to be seen immediately.

I was VERY careful what i told the ER folks.  In 2000/2001 DMV got involved in my life and made it Hell for 18 months, even tho the health practitioners i had then told them i was no danger/threat, etc.

Instead, i am voluntarily not driving until i see the doc in early November.   I'm trying to be as responsible as i can be without getting higher authorities involved.  I don't want to do anything that will endanger anyone, however, i don't want to be told "officially" that i can't drive.   Hopefully the doc can clear me at that point.  I've not had any more m-/-s or worse.  I've never had one while driving.  They generally do occur in the shower, tho i've had them happen elsewhere.  Duane has been with me once or twice when they happen.  I have to stop talking for a minute or so as i'm slightly disoriented, but nothing more.  If i didn't tell him it had happened, he would not know.   They are weird, a kind of a Déjà vu feeling, where a lot of pics flash thru my mind very quickly, too quickly to hold on to the images.

I could write PAGES about all of this.

I have seen a local chiropractor 3 times now.  I don't care much for manual adjustments; they have hurt, but i needed to do what i could.  By far the back injury has been the most limiting.  Although my tongue is not fully healed, i can eat again.  I had only liquids for about the first 5 days.

First off, the severity of the back pain is entirely my fault.  I counsel folks i work with all the time that low back pain indicates that the core/abdominal muscles are weak and need to be worked on/strengthened.  However, i did not act on that myself.  Low back pain has not been an issue for me until the past year, but in the past year there have been warning signs i should have heeded.

Second, however . . . well, i'm having a hard time voicing it.  Sometimes i think i am too soft on myself, don't push hard enough, "baby" myself when i should just soldier on.  I think this incident indicates that probably this is not so.  I think that if i push too hard there is a good chance i could lose all that i have.  I think this shows that i should trust myself a bit more when i say i shouldn't push it.  (I have not been pushing, but i've been berating myself for not doing so, for being "lazy" or other unkind things.)

I often have the feeling that my ILs think me very weird, with the food i choose to eat and other things i do.  In fact, i would guess that they are saying, "Look at what Kathryn does and how sick she still is.  What a waste of time, effort, and money!"  However, from my point of view, i can just imagine how bad off i would be if i wasn't so careful.

After Duane told his folks about what had happened, his mother called me wanting a blow-by-blow account.  I told her she would have to ask Duane as i have no memory of it.  She seemed surprised (and she did NOT ask him - she thought he was too worried already anyway).  I've spoken of the "stress of the wedding" as a diversion for why this happened when people ask.  However, it kind of backfired on me with her.  She is a bit critical of my feeling stressed ("she" didn't stress over it, she said; while i think i stressed more than she, i think she is deceiving herself on this one).  I quite honestly do not want ANY criticism over the incident.  Back problem = my fault.  Everything else is probably my fault, too, but from choices i made YEARS ago and have no control over now.

A couple of Duane's uncles gave me a bad time during the wedding week.  They said, "Everybody has to die sometime!  You might as well be comfortable until then."  I got rather angry over it.  They just don't realize what they are saying.  I know this won't keep me from dying!  I don't really care when i die, honestly, but i want to be in as good health as possible until then.  I don't want to be wheel-chair bound or housebound.  I don't want to live in a nursing home.  I don't want to lose my cognition with Alzheimer's or something similar.  Part of my gift of life (from God) is my body and my mind and part of my stewardship of it is to take care of both to the best of my ability.

Another issue that has come up has been help.  To whom do i turn?  Duane was gone this week, and with snow coming i had a ton of apples to get in.  I did walk to a neighbor's and ask if they wanted apples, but they did not and i didn't say, "I need help with this."  I'm not sure if it is a matter of pride or shyness or what.  I did talk to someone from church, and she stopped by.  She would have taken me to town if i'd needed it.  I want to be independent and self-sufficient.  !  Well, who doesn't?  I'm not sure what my options are when i don't have that ability.

Not driving is a very dismal thing.  At least before i had the opportunity to get away from the house for a while.  When i did the not-driving thing before i found it very frustrating.  What would take 10 minutes in the car took an hour or more by bus, and far more energy.  I do not have that energy to spare now.  What are my options?  A taxi?  I think there is one - ONE - in BB, and it is quite expensive.  Even the bus service here is expensive compared to similar trips in OC.  I don't have the option to go into to town or to see the chiropractor when Duane is away.

I've often felt that my life limits me a great deal.  I don't have the option to make a trip to OC for a weekend family get together without a lot of planning.  It takes so much from me.  Now, with this limitation i feel that life keeps getting smaller and closing in on me.

Several times on FB i see "Don't give up on your dreams" or something to that effect.  What am i suppose to do with that?  What dreams can i hold on to when so much is taken?  I know this sounds self-pitying, and i'm fighting it.  I'm already almost as limited as my grandmother was when she was about 88.  How am i suppose to live another 30 or 40 years like this?

I AM thankful for the things i still can do.  I am able to walk in our yard and do a little gardening.  I can enjoy our cats and watching the birds.  I still am able to knit and to visit with folks.  Duane and i had a very enjoyable trip into town on Friday and i don't look disabled.  I have the ability to make choices that will effect my future - please God, let me make good choices!



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