Saturday

The book club was fine last night. I so appreciate having a home where we can invite other people. Our last rented house was simply too small to have folks over.

We went to see "Taken" at the Village Theaters today. Duane & i both like Liam Neeson. It was a good movie, but very disturbing. I know human trafficking exists, but i find it very disturbing. The movie was very violent as well.

Yesterday afternoon i began to feel nauseous. It has continued today, moderate bordering on severe. I've taken a ton of ginger. I think i'm a bit more relaxed this time about possible pregnancy, because i either am, or i am not. We will get a + preg test, or i'll get my period. It may be some time before i get either. Still, i tried a HPT this AM, & it was negative.

I also have a splitting headache today. Besides the nausea, my sense of smell is more acute. But usually my breasts are sore, & that is not so. I sometimes wonder if it is all psychosomatic, i.e., when a certain amount of time passes i think, "I could be pregnant," my body automatically manufactures symptoms. The first failed pregnancy i had made me really angry. I was angry at my body for "tricking" me into thinking i could be pregnant. And again the second time i went thru that a little, but by then i was beginning to trust my body more. I accepted that i had been pregnant, even if the pregnancy failed.

I spent too many years believing that i was depressed & mental because the doctors told me so. Early on in my life i knew that the problem was physical & needed to be addressed. But that is not how doctors work. When i presented a possible reason (hypoglycemia, for example), i had doctors tell me they "didn't believe" in hypoglycemia, later candida, & gluten intolerance, & chronic fatigue. Some tests they did returned "within normal limits," & they told me my fatigue & other symptoms were because i was depressed, & take these pills. But the pills never helped. And i don't know now if they ever even ran the tests that would give adequate info.

Granted, i did have emotional issues. My family was unhealthy, to understate a fact. I had no self-esteem, little practical training with which to face the world, no self-confidence, & poor boundaries. Depression was a given. However, i now believe it was driven by over use of multiple meds, chemical sensitivities, eating gluten & a vast array of horrible things (fast food, junk food, with all that goes with such "food" items including nutritional deficits), & many other issues. It was not a simple problem. And i did not trust my body because when i reported what i was feeling, the docs told me that it was not so & i was mis-reading what i felt & that i was simply depressed.

I no longer trust the docs. They were the liars not my body. When i cleaned my life & diet, the depression issues went away. I do have to give some credit to meds, when taking Topomax, i was able to make cognitive changes for the better, & began to get better. When i began cleaning up my life from fake foods & other chemicals & cut the gluten, i was no longer depressed in need of meds. I AM still tired. The chronic fatigue has been there since i was 15 years old, & it stubbornly won't leave in a few months, maybe not in a few years. But i no longer carry a cloud of depression. I have times when i worry, or feel sorry for myself, in short i have occasional temporary depression just like every other normal human. But it no longer gets out of perspective & runs me.

Whether or not we ever hold a child remains to be seen. But over all, thank you God, thank you God that i have reached this point & no longer have to struggle with depression, or depending on an undependable doctor to "make" me better. Thank you for bodies that are made to balance & heal. Thank you for real foods that nourish & provide & heal.

(This was intended to be a short entry!)

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