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19 February 2009

A lot on my mind

This is a rather fun spot to visit: Blogthings

It has a number of different quizzes. The one i took is "How Liberal or Conservative Are You? This was my result:

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense & Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

However, i don't consider this test particularly accurate. One of the questions was on The Fed. Should they focus on inflation or reducing unemployment? To me this is a moot, stupid question. I think The Fed should be abolished. Two other questions like this, i think.

This site had a number of other quizzes which were kind of fun to take, & i wasted some time there. But the educational questions irritated me, & some of the others as well, for they don't give you the answers just how many you missed. So it became rather pointless for it didn't help increase my knowledge at all. I "passed" the educational ones i took, tho i wish they would tell me the answers for the incorrect. But i really would have liked the answers to the one on blogging, for i know so little about it. They told me, "Well, you know what a blog is!" Meaning i don't know much else - but i knew that without taking a test!

I was reading a blog today about a young woman (26) with three small children, (I'll call her "S"). I don't know what caught my interest on it, for it isn't usually the kind of thing i read unless i know the person. S married young, 20, her husband 22, & they had known each other for 4 years before they married.

I'm feeling old; but grateful.

I married the first time around at 20. He was older than i (35). Early on i think we did ok, tho i think we each greatly desired to be loved much more than we really loved. Very immature. But while he didn't treat me cruelly, he didn't treat me well. Constant lying & other issues. But i was determined to believe all things were good. Reading over journals from that time is quite a bizarre experience. The cognitive dissonance is on every page. I would write of the things he said but then go on to say how happy, how very, very happy we were. It was twisted.

I began to wake up from this after about 4 years. That's another story.

Some of the things i read in this young mama's blog reminds me of that cognitive dissonance in my life at that age. I want to reach out & smack this young husband. I want to send them the books by Gary Smalley & John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). I want to send them to Sandy McDaniel's website for parenting help. Most of all, i want to tell them somethings aren't worth fighting over. I hurt for them, & don't even know them. The blogging world is unusual indeed. But i often feel the same about novels - & those folks don't even exist!

When i married the first time, i was very pliable. I wanted to be, do, say whatever my husband wanted me to. Largely, i thought if i wasn't those things i wouldn't be loved. I guess that was true, for whenever i disagreed with anything he said he would tell me i was "not supportive" & "negative" & didn't help him. He didn't SAY but he implied i was stupid. And it was then that he began lying to me. If he had kept the lies secret we might have plugged on even longer. But he couldn't keep a secret & when the lies came out his attitude was "You stupid bitch, you didn't recognize that was a lie?" Enough on that. My point is that i wanted to bend, meld, & be flexible.

When we split i was single for a long time. By the time i met Duane i'd been on my own quite some time. Knowing how much i had been willing to bend to make the first time work i was worried i would not be able to do that. I was older, less flexible, wanting my own way.

But God is so good. Duane & i fit together in a way that doesn't require me to be someone i'm not in order to gain his acceptance. We still have miscommunications (see the post on 16 February), & i'm not as good to him as i should be. I'm so far from the perfect wife that it depresses me sometimes. Sometimes Duane is a bit clueless for what a woman (i) would really like. But he is thoughtful, & caring, & doesn't put me down or make me feel stupid. When we have a misunderstanding more often than not we giggle.

So, i'm thankful in coming to our marriage late. We may have more struggles in some ways (we both so desperatly want to have a family) but many of the anxieties & stresses of youth are gone. We both know there is little worth really fighting over (we have not found it yet, but i'm sure there must be some issues) & that there is NOTHING ON EARTH that is worth treating my best friend & dearest lover in a manner that puts him down, is hurtful or insulting. Granted, we are not parents (yet!?!) & that may bring up some issues, but i hope that we will not forget common courtesy & treating each other like a dear friend. I also think that i will be a much healthier, more balanced parent at this age than i would have if i'd had children at 20 or 21.

Tonight is the council meeting at church. Both Duane & i are on the council. There is nothing that better describes these meetings than a quote i heard a few weeks ago: "Committe meetings are the only place where folks keep minutes & waste hours." Or something very similar. I do hope it goes well. I nearly had a melt down last time (tho i said not a word). However, a few folks knew how upset i was. The direction we are taking will not permit this church to grow or encourage young families to join. I've said this before, but i am very concerned. As the pastor leads the church follows (usually) & as i'm coming to believe our pastor is not very healthy, the direction of the church is following that. Oh well. Please Lord, guard my mouth, but help me to say the things that are important. When i get very upset or angry i tend to shut up & freeze. In general i think that is better than flying off the handle & saying things you regret later, but it often keeps me from saying things that should be said.

We had the ladies luncheon today. It was nice, but hard for me. Most of these ladies are in their 60s, 70s, maybe 80s. A couple of us are younger, but i'm the youngest by 10 years or more. They talk about things that drive me crazy. Medications, medications, medications, & what the "Doctor" (mini-god) said. (In case it hasn't come across, i've little faith in either medications or doctors. I recognize there are a few - precious few - good ones, but in general i don't trust them.) There just doesn't seem to be much for me to talk about. That's ok, people like good listeners, but i get tired of hearing about meds, meds, meds, & docs. Ok, that was just unkind of me. These ladies do love me & if i talk they listen. They care. It just seems that we have so little in common.

In talking today i realized that it has been nearly 20 years since i started college. It will be that long this fall. Wow. Yes, i feel old compared to so many others i know. But inside me i don't feel old. I feel that i've learned a lot, but the person inside still is young, learning her way, trying to figure it all out. Don't think i've yet decided what i want to be when i "grow up."

Yes i have! I want to be a mama!

Oh well, so many things we don't have control over.


1 comment:

David said...

nice to visit here today,
and to be reminded to pray for you and the church.