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21 June 2009

A day like any other


When we lost our first pregnancy, i really was confident that in time another would occur. I just had to be patient & have faith & pray & wait.


BTW, as much as i know you mean me well, for those who wish me "BFPs" when i request NOT to say it: This is a painful thing to read. I know we live
in a society that focuses on positive outcome, etc., etc. For those still seeking that & young enough to achieve it, i wish & pray that God grant it to you. But i'm at a different stage. I'm trying to accept that it will not come to us.

I've recently been mourning not only my barrenness, but my marriage as well. Duane is so wonderful & he deserves so much more. Life is so unfair. But in the past day or so i have come to the realization that i have to let this go, also. Because i made a commitment to him, to our marriage - "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. . . " whether we have children or not. I was thinking how much better he could have done, that i was being selfish in marrying him . . . etc., etc., etc. But the reality is that we are married, & rather than focus on "what ifs" i need to focus on "what now" & living fully in the moment.

That's hard for humans, i think. We tend to focus on past or future & let the present slip right by.

There's a lot bumping around my bloggy brain today.

For Mother's Day we took a picnic lunch over the mountain (that was the day of the snake). I've asked Duane several times what he'd like to do today, & the answer is always "I donno."

I find that frustrating. Also frustrating is when i ask what he'd like for dinner, or if we're going out, where he'd like to go. Answer almost always again is "I donno." Aaaarrrrrggggg!!!! Men!

We've been away from our church the past 2 Sundays as we were traveling. We let them know we would not be there this week, either. Didn't give an explanation. Except one lady who asked why. So i told her. We've made the decision not to attend either Father's Day or Mother's Day. And she asked why. I wonder if she knew what a loaded question that was? It could be because of abuse, for many folks it is. I guess people who have had children & give it no thought to how hard these days are for non-parents. Or children with abusive parents. But i simply said, "Because we've no children, & we want them, & we're not going to have them." I do tend to be honest. I wonder if i'll regret that later.

I sometimes have problems with the difference between honesty & appropriate boundaries.

We're working down the hill this week. Then my office is closed & so i'm not going down the week before 4th of July. Then we'll start the new schedule of leaving on Tuesday instead of Monday & work a couple of weeks. Then it will be VBS & i'll stay home that week to work & do the music with the children. How is it that is seems summer isn't far from being over when it just started?

When i still lived in my parents' home, when i was in high school, it seemed that time just crawled by. Every day was an eternity. But i graduated & moved away, & time has been moving at light speed - usually - ever since. The fact that i'm a procrastinator doesn't help too much either. Before i know it a year has passed & i've not done what i planned. In some ways that isn't so bad. What was all that important, anyway? In other ways it is really not a good thing. I'm old enough to say, "What happened? Where did all the time go? How is it that i'm so old & have never accomplished anything?"

And so it goes.

Last night i was mourning - again.

I've a feeling that 2009 will become "my year of mourning" when i look back on it later. It is hard to believe that when i began this blog less than 6 months ago, it was still with the hope of children, & instead it seems to have become my vehicle to accept a childless life. (Ok, this is funny - i've been craving another blog of someone with similar life interests - a childless-not-by-choice, 40-something, gluten-free vegetarian who eats "real foods" & is into natural & alternative health. !!! Think i'll find her? LOL)

The Bible can report "weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning," but i'm not sure that author knew what he was talking about!

Anyway! I was sad about today & that Duane is
not a daddy, & that he's not going to be a daddy. Boy, it is easy to tell people to get over it & move on from their sorrows, but it is not so easy to do, is it? Anyway! I was picturing myself at the foot of God, mourning. I know i am a handmaiden of the Lord, & i was at his feet crying. "Thy will be done, & may i accept it." It wasn't a pretty or comforting picture. The picture i had in my head was one from the book of "Little Pilgrim's Progress" where the servant who had not done the bidding of the true King was bound & taken back to his "true master" Satan. And the servant was weeping at the feet of this evil one.

Nasty? Yes, but that was the picture i had.

Which tells me i
really don't have a clue about our loving & great God. I'm sad about that, too. Of course, i don't like God very much right now, i don't like where life is taking me/us & the things i will have to accept. It is hard to go into a blog & have someone casually announce that they have just completed the 1st trimester of their 5th child. Or a long list of other similar hurts.

But i've grown a lot. I can be angry with God without falling
into rebellion & sin & insisting on having my own way. I did that before. The first time i married it was because i was very angry with God & the way my life was going & i tried to force it. Didn't work so well for me. Later, after my divorce i went thru a similar time where i made many bad decisions. Didn't work so well for me. But i'm blessed in spite of all that, with my wonderful husband, our home & lifestyle, & all God's blessings.

But even tho i'm rather confused about it all right now, i do know that God promises good for me & i'm holding onto that promise.

It does seem to be my fate to always be holding someone else's child, never my own.

We've talked often of going to Forest Falls, but never do. Sounds like Duane likes that idea for today, so, off we go! :)


1 comment:

Rosemary said...

hmmm..there isn't anything I can say to make things better for you. We've discussed this before. You're on your own path and will find your peace (or not) with circumstances and God on a schedule of your own.

I wish that you had more peace of mind. I have some of the characteristics you are looking for in a blog (okay, not vegan). I struggle with my own issues and it doesn't just one day go away, like most mourning it eases over time. But then sometimes you get a sucker punch to the gut and think - oh crap, I'm feeling just as bad as i used to. Other times, you realize you have gone a day or a couple without thinking about it.

I don't know, maybe this doesn't help but perhaps it does to know that there is someone out there wishing you love and happiness and peace. ((((HUGS)))