Can you believe . . .

. . . it is the last day of September?

More pics of Sugarbear in the fall. I'm sure most of the leaves from the aspen will be gone when we get home Thursday.

Last week i went to a clinic called Whitaker Wellness. I think i'd heard about it before, but had forgotten. I was reading Mike Adams at Natural News & he mentioned the clinic. (Disclaimer: I read Natural News as well as Mercola. Don't comment much at either one. However, i will on occasion refer folks to Mercola, with minor disclaimer possibly. I all but NEVER refer folks to Natural News. I believe it has good info, but it has a paranoid/conspiracy flavor that makes natural health folks sound crazy - especially some of the comments - & i can't in good conscience send folks there, especially without warning of some of the content.) (Ok, having said that, this article at Natural news is worth reading. Just remember that the site itself is heavily biased with weird conspiracy theories.)

Anyway, i looked up Whitaker & it seemed to fit the criteria i was looking for. They happened to have a cancellation the day i called & so i got in quickly. I wasn't that enamoured of the doc i saw. But, the last 2 docs i saw i liked in that i saw them as "very nice people" & felt guilty that i didn't seem to like them as doctors. But this one grew on me as the time passed. And she was much more thorough in 1 hour than the last one was in over 2 hours. And she gave me a long list of treatments & things i can do & i do them at my own pace. (As opposed to "Well, let's run these labs & i'll see you back in 6 weeks. Good luck.") The list was rather overwhelming & some items expensive, but i received no pressure to do any of them. And some are very reasonable in price. Again, take charge & at my own pace.

So, i'm scheduled for a sleep study next week. Several docs & others have mentioned the possibility of sleep apnea. I've been aware of the possibility for a while. Honestly, i don't think i have it, but let's rule it out! Also, i chose a facility that does NOT sell the equipment for this. Don't want them to have any added incentive to diagnose this issue. I'll also be trying a very low dose of a med that has been found to be helpful. And i'll run labs later in the month. So over all i feel like i can be proactive in this process & maybe make some progress.

Then, coming down the hill yesterday Duane & i discussed in depth the possibility of adoption. There just are so many obstacles in the way. However, i'm afraid that if we don't at least explore options all options will soon be closed to us. I don't want 20 years to go by & us later say, "We should have . . . " So the long & the short of it is that we are going to be very open with everyone that we are researching adoption. So that should any friend, family member, or acquaintance know of someone looking to place a child we might be remembered. Or, we may consider adoption overseas, with a strong leaning toward India. We may find that in this process we feel we are not called to go forward. Adoption can be heartbreaking & much of the process is to protect the children, but often i'm told it tends to be very political as well. And, i may not even pass what they require for a health/physical. But, at least we are not passing something by. We will check into it.

Duane made an interesting comment during that discussion. I told him of that article i read & the ugly comments made by a number of folks over the statement "adoption is not for me." When i told him of the folks who protested "I love my adopted kids! Our family is not second class because we adopted!" Duane's response was that the folks must feel that way to protest with such passion & fury. We both agree that families are created in a number of ways & while we would like a "traditional" way of having a family, we don't see adoption as second best, or an unwanted option. He also said that in his mind, the folks who are "second class families" are those who unthinkingly have children they can't care for & then abuse those kids. The ones who are able to have children easily but without much thought of what goes into raising them.

One final thought on this idea of adopting: We don't want to run ahead of God. We are deciding to explore options with the faith that God will open doors for us if it the right choice for us. We expect to find that out along the way. Duane said it is like the lady who kept praying to win the lottery. Finally God spoke to her & said, "Help me out here. At least buy a ticket." I know that we could win the "lottery" without buying a ticket, but it might be that that is not how God proceeds for us.

These things are hard to say without becoming very verbose & even then i might be obtuse.

I have read a lot of blogs in the past 9 months. Three in particular stick in my mind. One was a lovely young lady who was determined to have a baby. I followed her for one cycle of IVF (it didn't take). But her statement, "I would go to Hell & back in order to have my baby & create my family" stuck like a burr in my mind. I'm not trying to be judgmental here, but i could not say the same thing. I want children very much. It may not be the best thing for me or for us. We are willing to sacrifice quite a lot to have a child, but i would not go to Hell & back. To me that is saying to God, "Give me what i want or i'm going to go take it!" Ok, been there, done that. Essentially my first marriage was me saying, "This is what i want, God, NOW BLESS IT!" That is not how things work. God is God thru out & sometimes we receive a great deal of mercy in our choices (as i have received) but telling God to bless something we've decided we want is never the best choice.

Another blog was a lady who had been thru several IVF cycles & now was 7 months pregnant. One of her comments/worries was, "How are we going to pay for all these medical bills & have the money to raise our child?"

And, yet another who had been thru IVF & had 2 or 3 children (i don't remember). And she said, "I love my kids, but sometimes i wonder what i have done?"

Now, i know of lots of others who don't have these reactions. Who are delighted with their families (& i get to see lovely pics of their little ones). So, our great concern here is that we don't get ourselves in such a situation. We don't want to tell God that we have to have this deep desire of our hearts. We desire to be led.

Yesterday, coming down the hill i was feeling pretty good. "I can do this," i thought. But by late afternoon i was really dragging & wondering how to keep going. By then i had much more doubt.

I was reminded this week that happiness is not our goal here. And it is not promised to us. When we seek to follow God & live for his glory i do believe we are given a deep sense of peace & his joy. But it does not follow that we will be given everything we think we need to create our own happiness.

So, if you are a praying person, please remember us & that we will know the right choices.

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