I had something to say . . . what was it now?

I miss my brain!

Amrita, the housemate was not from India. (From the middle of this post.) I don't know if she was a Christian, she attended a Christian university. She did not tell me she smoked before she moved in. Then, after she moved in, she promised she would smoke outside. But i guess that became too inconvenient for her (she was more important than the rest of the world). The first time i caught her smoking in her room i gave her a warning; the second time i caught her i told her she would have to move, & she thought i was kidding. She couldn't believe i was serious & wouldn't laugh at her misbehavior. I couldn't believe she didn't realize it was a serious issue especially as i had asthma problems.

The month before she moved was really uncomfortable as she was so angry with me for sticking to what i said. And she kept telling me how much better the next place would be as they were all girls her own age who "would understand" her. I didn't believe her, i'm afraid. I mean, girls can be very critical of each other & cruel. Also this girl could treat others so badly that i didn't think she'd get along with three other girls very well. And i had tried to be kind to her & had her treat me poorly as a result. I guess i was an "authority figure" but only because her behavior forced me to be.
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I'm coming up on 200 posts (all in 9 months!) & have only just learned the importance of labels. Sigh.
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Lynnette, at Dancing Barefoot . . . , wrote a post on suffering. Of course i had a lot to say about that. The lady from VBS was in the pew behind us this week. I so hate conflict. I also hate lying. I didn't even want to make eye contact with her. I know the only possible answer to her "how are you?" is "fine, thank you." And it feels like a lie. It is not a lie, i think, to someone who does not know me or my situation, to someone who is just giving a conventional greeting. But for someone who knows my situation, it doesn't seem right to give such an answer.

Part of the problem is a number of people at church now ask me, week after week, "Are you better?" What kind of answer can i give to that? They want to hear that i'm better, getting better, doing better, have more energy, am functioning better. Currently, there is not much hope of a positive answer to that.

It doesn't mean i've given up on the possibility. But, on a week to week basis, i'm not going to be able to say, "Yes, i'm so much better!" I have good days & weeks (this last week i was able to do the horseback riding, & do a massage, & make an apple pie, & get some laundry done, & do most of the dishes) but other weeks i can barely get out of bed & get dressed, much less do any of the housework.

One of the blogs i follow recently gave her "to do" list for the day. And i almost cried. Because i would so love to have the energy to get up & do the things she listed. I would love to have the energy to consistently cook/bake for us & clean up afterward. I know i've said this before, but often when i go grocery shopping i barely have the energy to put away the food, much less cook it. So food spoils, sometimes & i feel guilty for the waste. Then if i do cook, i often don't have the energy to clean up afterward - sometimes not for a few days. Then the kitchen has to be cleaned before i can cook again.

Now, i know lots of folks have this never-ending cycle. But the truth is this is a very difficult battle. And if i push myself too hard or too far i can end up in bed for several days. What might be a morning's work for someone else can a week's work for me. I also nearly cried when i read in an email, recently, "What would you do if you had all the energy you needed?" Yes, it was trying to sell me something, but when i imagined all the things i'd like to do, well, it was just too painful. I'm wondering if i will have the energy to harvest & process our fruit.

If you have the chance to pray for me, i've two requests. One, is that i learn how to handle that lady at church. It seems to me that i could be managing it better. I don't want to feel like i need to avoid someone. I don't want to spend my energy trying to avoid her or to debate her. Frankly, she is an energy vampire. I don't have any to donate to her! Nor do i want to have to worry about it. You can tell me not to worry, but that is not how i am made. My mother used to endlessly rehash incidents or conversations. I hated that & don't want to do it, but i find that it is my tendency.

Second, i need to find a doc. I could talk about this endlessly. I want to talk about this. But i started this post yesterday & i'm getting tired of it!

I've a third request, also. A friend's mother is in hospital. I don't know the details. If you're a praying person, please remember her & her family. Thanks. :)

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