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16 September 2009

I had something to say . . . what was it now?

I miss my brain!

Amrita, the housemate was not from India. (From the middle of this post.) I don't know if she was a Christian, she attended a Christian university. She did not tell me she smoked before she moved in. Then, after she moved in, she promised she would smoke outside. But i guess that became too inconvenient for her (she was more important than the rest of the world). The first time i caught her smoking in her room i gave her a warning; the second time i caught her i told her she would have to move, & she thought i was kidding. She couldn't believe i was serious & wouldn't laugh at her misbehavior. I couldn't believe she didn't realize it was a serious issue especially as i had asthma problems.

The month before she moved was really uncomfortable as she was so angry with me for sticking to what i said. And she kept telling me how much better the next place would be as they were all girls her own age who "would understand" her. I didn't believe her, i'm afraid. I mean, girls can be very critical of each other & cruel. Also this girl could treat others so badly that i didn't think she'd get along with three other girls very well. And i had tried to be kind to her & had her treat me poorly as a result. I guess i was an "authority figure" but only because her behavior forced me to be.

I'm coming up on 200 posts (all in 9 months!) & have only just learned the importance of labels. Sigh.

Lynnette, at Dancing Barefoot . . . , wrote a post on suffering. Of course i had a lot to say about that. The lady from VBS was in the pew behind us this week. I so hate conflict. I also hate lying.
I didn't even want to make eye contact with her. I know the only possible answer to her "how are you?" is "fine, thank you." And it feels like a lie. It is not a lie, i think, to someone who does not know me or my situation, to someone who is just giving a conventional greeting. But for someone who knows my situation, it doesn't seem right to give such an answer.

Part of the problem is a number of people at church now ask me, week after week, "Are you better?" What kind of answer can i give to that? They want to hear that i'm better, getting better, doing better, have more energy, am functioning better. Currently, there is not much hope of a positive answer to that.

It doesn't mean i've given up on the possibility. But, on a week to week basis, i'm not going to be able to say, "Yes, i'm so much better!" I have good days & weeks (this last week i was able to do the horseback riding, & do a massage, & make an apple pie, & get some laundry done, & do most of the dishes) but other weeks i can barely get out of bed & get dressed, much less do any of the housework.

One of the blogs i follow recently gave her "to do" list for the day. And i almost cried. Because i would so love to have the energy to get up & do the things she listed. I would love to have the energy to consistently cook/bake for us & clean up afterward. I know i've said this before, but often when i go grocery shopping i barely have the energy to put away the food, much less cook it. So food spoils, sometimes & i feel guilty for the waste. Then if i do cook, i often don't have the energy to clean up afterward - sometimes not for a few days. Then the kitchen has to be cleaned before i can cook again.

Now, i know lots of folks have this never-ending cycle. But the truth is this is a very difficult battle. And if i push myself too hard or too far i can end up in bed for several days. What might be a morning's work for someone else can a week's work for me. I also nearly cried when i read in an email, recently, "What would you do if you had all the energy you needed?" Yes, it was trying to sell me something, but when i imagined all the things i'd like to do, well, it was just too painful. I'm wondering if i will have the energy to harvest & process our fruit.

If you have the chance to pray for me, i've two requests. One, is that i learn how to handle that lady at church. It seems to me that i could be managing it better. I don't want to feel like i need to avoid someone. I don't want to spend my energy trying to avoid her or to debate her. Frankly, she is an energy vampire. I don't have any to donate to her! Nor do i want to have to worry about it. You can tell me not to worry, but that is not how i am made. My mother used to endlessly rehash incidents or conversations. I hated that & don't want to do it, but i find that it is my tendency.

Second, i need to find a doc. I could talk about this endlessly. I want to talk about this. But i started this post yesterday & i'm getting tired of it!

I've a third request, also. A friend's mother is in hospital. I don't know the details. If you're a praying person, please remember her & her family. Thanks. :)



Rosemary said...

I will keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry about the energy vampire, that she is at church with you really puts a damper on church time - which is terrible, because you want to concentrate on prayer and you find your mind wandering through scenarios...grrrr

About when people ask you how you are - I'd say weigh the options - if it is easier to say - thank you for asking, I'm getting strength from God. As for the energy vamp, if she keeps asking consider saying - Thank you for your concern, all prayers are gratefully accepted and I'll be praying for you too! You can always turn it around and ask them probing questions about themselves. That might shut them up!

Good luck, Kathryn!

Oh, and by the way, I get off topic all the time and I just laugh now. Also, I'm getting to the point where sometimes I forget what I wanted when I came into a room and so I think up something else so I don't look/feel as dumb as I appear! HAHAHHA

Stacey said...

I have some "problem people" at church too. Sometimes I dread walking in there because of the questions and comments I'll get, which is just terrible. I don't want to let people affect my church experience!

Praying for your requests today.

Land of shimp said...

I'm catching up here, Kathryn. Had a cold that was almost epic, hehe. Really, I was amusing myself because I sounded like I was wearing SCUBA gear when I talked.

Getting better, and grateful to be feeling better, while sounding less SCUBA-like "hello, this is me, coming to you from the depths of the sea!" was fun to say to my husband when he got home.

You know, there's an answer to your church lady problem. Just forgive her, and move forward. Is she actually that important in your life? You see her at church, right? And at VBS? Just look her dead in the eye, and in your mind say, "I forgive you for being fallible."

Wish her well, and move on. She only has the power over you that you give to her. Take it back.

There's also an answer to how to answer people. You don't need to lie. You also don't need to give them a blow by blow to be truthful. There's more than one truth in this instance. Another answer, completely truthful would be, "You know how it is, I'm doing my best to keep on, keeping on." "All things considered, I could be worse. How are you?"

And they will nod, and smile. They will also actually understand because we all have something in this life to shoulder. Some more than others. The truth is, you are doing the best you can, and you continue to try. Tell them that in answer to "How are you feeling?" "Tired sometimes, you know how it is. But there's nothing to do but try."

And again, it's true.

I wish you were well, Kathryn. Fully well, with boundless energy, and great happiness. I truly do.

May it come to you soon. In the meantime, may you have the strength to continue to try.

Celeste said...

What was the first paragraph about? Was it a new house mate? Whats the full story did I miss a previous post.