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02 August 2012

Mid-summer post

Goodness!  I’ve not written in forever.  Please forgive me for not responding to your comments on last post.  I treasure each of them.  

I’ve been grieving, and i was sick in  June.  Had a birthday in  June and on my BD, Mac got sick.  Spent a lot of money on him.  He has a stone in his bladder.  We are trying to treat it with food and supplements.

Jazz got sick this last week.  Don’t know if it was the change in food, but he’s had a respiratory illness, and was vomiting.  Turns out he has pneumonia (from aspirating the vomit) and pancreatitis.  Wow.  We have spent a lot more money.  I stayed home this week to watch him.  He has been at the vet 3 times in the past week, yesterday just to force feed him and give him fluids.  He has seemed a little better last night and today.

It hasn’t been any easier that each time we bring   Jazz home, Mac is the most pissed off cat in the world.  He remembers the vet from   June, and wants nothing to do with   Jazz, who smells of the vet.  We’ve had to watch them pretty closely as Mac would attack  Jazz and  Jazz, being sick, can’t handle that.  I’ve been keeping  Jazz in a bathroom at least over night, and when he was sickest for about 24 hours.  I would go in and pet him while i read a book.

I’m doing a weird, raw milk diet (raw milk and only raw milk; i’m mostly sticking to it).  The first six to seven days i was in a lot more pain, and hoping that it was healing crisis and not just inflammation.  The pain went back to normal, and the following week i found that i had more endurance than before.  Not more energy, per se, but i was able to tolerate things more, longer, and with less backlash.  I’m excited about that.  : )

Since i stayed home this week to be with   Jazz and to medicate him, i’ve been pretty busy.  Today was a knit group and i had every intention of going, but i realized that i’m exhausting myself in this “week off” and decided it would be better to stay home and rest.

I read, somewhere, a while back that depressed is not wanting to do things, but chronic fatigue is wanting to do them but not being able.  I’ve hung on to that truth for a while now.  There is so much i would like to do and can’t.  But, as someone near to me helped me see, i can do so much more than many others i know.

I’ve been struggling with the concept of how much my thoughts impact my reality.  The reality in which i live (up to the time of starting the milk diet) is that i have been losing ground and not been able to do as much as i used to.  I’ve tried to be positive about the whole thing, but reality is i am much more limited. 

Someone else i know told me, “Well, if you keep on telling yourself you are getting worse, you WILL get worse!”  And i understand that concept to a point, but reality IS what is occurring.  I’m not TELLING myself i’m getting worse; i’m acknowledging it is happening in my life.  Can i live with the reality of my life without being "negative" and "making myself worse"?  So i struggle with the concept of how do i stay positive and live the life i currently have?  To not admit that i’m more limited when i am is a lie.  I do not want to blanket myself in deception.  But i also do not want to fall into self-pity and not challenging myself. 

I am not getting worse because i “tell myself” that.  The fact is, i have been worse off and more limited, and i’ve been trying to admit that fact and accept it and see where this reality leads me and how i can manage the life that i have. 

I came across this at Facebook.  It is attributed to Mohamed Ghonemi.  I used to do doodles that looked a lot like this with pen an ink.  I tried to create one similar on Photoshop, but it doesn't have the smoothness pen and ink have.

Anyway, here is my own opinion of what i think and say.  (I've thought of a lot more "what i think" items than what i put in here.  But "what i say" is pretty accurate, and it is probably why i've not posted in a while.  Various renditions of "blah, blah, blah."

Hope y'all are having a wonderful summer.

The last time i posted, it let me use my own font.  I don't know why it won't now.  



kare said...

Blogger iz Possessed!>
But... This is a great post even with Blogger boogers:p

It's a fine line isnt it? How to acknowledge disability without sinking down too comfortably into it? (did i say comfortable?)

i'm praying for you and your kiddles.
Interested in hearing more about this raw milk therapy.

Kathryn said...

I've not used Blogger to write in so long, i didn't realize Blogger had become such a pain.

Thank you. :) It is a fine line. Thanks for your prayers, Kare. I'll write more about the milk thing later.

Anonymous said...

Love your doodle art. I feel like that is me saying blah blah blah because I think people don't really care because I lose them after 15 seconds of talking lol. But I have so much going on in my head. 24/7! If it's not while I'm awake, it is while I am asleep dreaming.